how do you deal with depression and anxiety when...

how do you deal with depression and anxiety when your family and friends all tell you not to worry? tell you Not to stress? tell you not to cry when all you want to do is either cry or scream about your cancer?

I have held it together these past 8 months of treatment and the 3 weeks I was back at work January 31 to Feb 18th. But I feel I am getting to the end of my coping skills. Here is some history so I make some sense...

I was disgnosed stage 3 or stage 4 (depending on if you talk to my surgeon or my medical oncoogist) squamos cell carcinoma of the right tonsil primary site of cancer right tonsil HPV+ with mets to right lymph nodes. Went through 3 rounds chemo (cisplatin, docetaxel, 5 FU) then 6 weeks radiation (35 rads) with concurrent chemo - cetuximab. Finished chemo Nov 29th, 2010, Radiation finished on December 3, 2010 and I dealth with the mouth sores, thrush, stomatitis and in the process lost 60 lbs due to issues with what I can eat / can't eat post treatment. I also had stress of losing a beloved pet, when one of my greyhound dogs Alice (my heart) got cancer and it was not treatable so I had to put her to sleep on August 28th after pain management was no longer working for her.

ON January 27th, my Post treatment CT scan showed lymph nodes were necrotic and at 1.3 cm or 13 mm my surgeon advised surgery - right neck dissection was only way to go to cut out any remaining cncer. I was fine with that as I really wanted the cancerous lymph nodes out to begin with. I had am EUA, with biopsy of remaining piece of right tonsil and selective neck dissection last week February 23rd and all went well. They still did not want to cut out the rest of the right tonsil but the biopsy did not show any cancer so that was good news.

The surgery did not bother me as much as the stress surrounding surgery as my family lives in New jersey and I am in Houston, Texas. My mom flew in late the night before and my fridge decided a couple days before surgery to break so on the 21st I had my fridge repaired and had to go grocery shopping the night before as well.. so in summary i was exhausted the morning of surgery...And to make things worse, the actual day of surgery was rather stressful as 2 weeks before surgery the Short term disability person at the company where I work messed up my short term disability / payroll when I went back to work and I was not paid 100% of my salary on the 11th of February. And while HR came up with a plan to pay me an off cycle check to fix it again HR AND payroll messed it up and I was not paid correctly again. They were supposed to cut an advance to fix it..which is rather complicated to explain as the advance was then going to come out of my next payroll on the 25th when they were scheduled to pay me the missing salary. But on the night before surgery I learned that the money had not arrived in my bank account and the morning of surgery I was texting with my manager who was trying to fix it so I would be paid correct on the 25th. Needless to say, being a single income person who had just been on disability from August to January 31st I was stressed trying to figure out how I was going to pay my bills on the 25th. The good news is that thanks to my manager they finally fixed it and I got paid and bills are paid. I really cannot handle paying bills late....

Then Things did not go as planned on the 24th with my discharge and while I was discharged without the drain on the 24th I had to hang around for hours after meeting with the physical therapist waiting for the occupational therapist who never showed up. I finally just told them I wanted to go home because I don't know what the OT could have told me that the Physical therapist did not tell me. Then I nearly lost it after they took me out of the system and I could not even order lunch yet there I was stuck in my hospital room waiting for discharge at 3 pm. Meanwhile my mom and friend were starving and waiting to take me homeso i sent them to the hospital caferteria to eat. And when it became clear there was confusion if I was even on the schedule to see OT I got discharged.

Then Friday woke up with face swollen and numb, and while they told me to expect this I was scared and not sure so had my mom drive me to see triage nurse at MD Anderson. Meanwhile she is not coping well with my having anxiety and being upset. I think lots of miscommunciation combined with my mom not being the best person to be there to help me as my mom is 75 and has COPD issues that affect her energy and breathing so she flew to Houston with non-contageous Bronchitis. So as a patient I need to give my mom a break as a caregiver as this just scares her I think. She actually flew back to New Jersey today which was probably for the best as when she and I are both stressed and together we just end up arguing and I end up feeling bad because it is not a fun time to be around me. And I have to admit from the beginning I was upset when she said she'd come and then I learned her flights schedule and realized she barely arranged her flights so she was not even staying a week to help me. And of course I have to explain to her over and over about the foods I cannot eat and please don't put pepper or really any seasoning on food she cooks me as I cannot handle pepper or most any spice as everything is too spicy for my mouth Anyhow I love her andshe is my mom and I know she loves me but when her daughter is diagnosed with cancer I think it is too overwhelming for her to cope with...

Then Today's stress. 1) I learned the wedge pillow they were supposed to ship me cannot be shipped and I have to pick it up from the medical center. Not a big deal as I have to drive in thursday for an appointment but it really irritates me they did not check this or I would have waited for it the day I was discharged or picked it up on Friday when I drove in to see the triage nurse. 2) my other greyhound dog Gus gets sick and I had to take him to the vet. And his illness involved a potty accident so had to have a friend come over and help me since I cannot lift anything heavy to use the bissel carpet cleaning machine.. So again spending money and having stressors I really cannot afford at the moment.

Anyhow sorry for the rambling stream of conscousness that is my post. I just need to vent to people who I feel understand and who deal with head and neck cancer on a daily basis....

I just need to learn how other cancer survivors deal with depression and anxiety when I don't even have my first instance of a doctor telling me I am NED or NEC I am really starting to stress out? I am only 41 and this really is just too much to handle on my own. I really need to find an in person support group but so far have not found one that fits my schedule since I work full time. And I found some breast cancer support groups but that is just not the same though they were all very welcoming and nice. Everyone tells me the stress is not good for my recovery but I cannot seem to stay de-stressed for long.

I did go to see 2 different counselors one I found through my work EAP which fits in with my work schedule but not sure she is much help other than I get to talk and talk I am not sure she is meeting my needs. We have met 3 or 4 times now and I have 8 sessions with her if needed. The other I spoke with is through MD anderson and I did relate to her so maybe I should call her again as she does understand cancer and other than figuring out something so I can meet with her once I am back on my work schedule. She did say call if I needed to talk with her some more.

Has anyone tried accupuncuture for stress? Tai Chi? I tried yoga but that was more on my own and did help with my stretching and getting my strenght back. But I really need something to help me cope better. I know I am not eating right and not sleeping right so that is probaby a big part of the issue. I still have the mucositis (my mouth either has to much mucus or not enough). I am probably wanting to much too soon but I want my life back or at least to get on with a new life? Any tips suggestions on recovery from the neck dissection?

At this point I really welcome any input advice from those that have more experience or those that are just better equiped to cope with their cncer as I feel like I am spiraling out of control....

Thanks for listening to me vent and babble.

~ Eileen Cibil

PS - someone told me of a head and neck support group in Houston but not sure if it was the one in Tomball or if there is another one? Since I am off work until the 8th of March I figure I should at least try to get to one even it involves driving to the other side of Harris County to go to the one in Tomball as I live in Clear Lake. I am a bit disappointed in MD Anderson as I was informed they cancelled the head and neck cancer support group at MD Anderson due to lack of attendance. But that was some years ago or so I was told by another social worker. And I thought there was a group the first tuesday of the month but I spoke to someone today who said no its the second tuesday. i cannot seem to get a straight answer which adds to my stress.

And I say ok I give up and I should just go watch a movie.....