Looking for Honest post-surgery ED expectations / feedback
Comments
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Just want to say before I make further comment that I said what I said not for sympathy, but to let off a bit of steam. Writing about the sort of stuff that normally remains private but is frustrating to deal with does have a level of catharsis to it, which I'm sure you'd all agree. @Clevelandguy, thank you for your succinct reply - we are all walking wounded.
@nativemi, I always knew that sexual function could be compromised from the outset, but I still got plenty of action for the first few years after that. My libido gradually fell further and it just…stopped. After that, I still got satisfaction from pleasuring my wife until a year or so ago, with foreplay becoming the main event if you know what I mean, but that has now died too.
I know what you're experiencing - still being able to have an orgasm while flaccid, still feeling those pulsations going through you. I did that for years, but since my surgery in 2023 to deal with my incontinence, I have lost that ability too.
To answer your last question, I may as well stroke my little finger. Luckily I still have some brain muscle memory and I can edge with visual stimulation, but to use an analogy it's like you're about to kick the winning goal in soccer and as you're about to strike, you lose your leg. There's just nothing there.
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Just to re-echo comments by @On_A_Journey and @Clevelandguy , PCa has changed our lives forever, and we basically have 2 choices once diagnosed: (1) learn, adapt, and move forward, or (2) continuously feel sorry for ourselves and have life come to a virtual standstill. The 'logical' answer is (1), yet many men find themselves adopting (2), often by default. Adopting (1) is not easy. It takes a lot of work, particularly psychologically, and the work will continue until your last day. If you accept that, it is no longer really work, but rather, new lifestyle maintenance. For those of you who have followed my PCa journey, you know that I've had all of the side effect-related changes discussed here, plus a number more, so I too speak from direct experience.
I will disagree a little bit on the phrase 'walking wounded', however, because I believe that once I fully embraced (1), I no longer saw myself that way, as I believe that type of thinking still reflects some lingering (2). I see myself as 'changed', and I believe that this PCa journey has taught me more about myself than I would have ever thought possible. Things like, 'what is really important in my life', versus 'what I thought was important in my life'. Things like, 'whose lives besides my own do I impact', and how can I do better with those relationships going forward. Things like, 'there is so much more to a loving relationship than sex alone'. I could list many other items, but you get the point.
One last point: Every time I go to my cancer center to get my PSA blood draw, and I walk through the waiting room in the Phlebotomy Department, I see so many other people/survivors whose ongoing battle with cancer is so much more difficult and with far less available treatments and outcomes than my own PCa journey. I walk in and I walk out, yet many other cancer patients are wheeled in and wheeled out by loved ones, often for the last time. That puts SO much into perspective for me, that when I walk out, I feel better than when I walked in.
We don't get to deal that cards that life lays out for us, but we have the choice on how we play the hand. Choose wisely, as life is not endless. I wish you all the best of outcomes on your own PCa journeys.
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yes, completely dry…nothing comes out when I orgasm…but yes, the orgasms are similar in pleasure to the ones I had before surgery…I just meant the visual 'trigger' of seeing ejaculate is gone….so the pleasure I feel now is without the visual component (as there is nothing to see, really)…
I occasionally still leak urine at all times but it's usually very small amounts … I am a big coffee drinker so that makes it worse….if I don't imbibe alot of liquid it wouldn't be a problem but…as with most men who lose their prostate to surgery, the first barrier to holding urine has now been removed so I guess the only barrier left either can't completely stop the leakage or it will take more time for my body to strengthen to do so…
for you and other men reading this…I guess at 15 months I am about 3/4 firmness compared to pre-surgery and hence, maybe 1" less in length…but…when all things are 'working' with or without a pill (as I don't think the pills help me, specifically) I believe I could have penetrative sex….since I haven't really tested this new reality yet I don't know how long I could remain hard…but….I'm happy to be at 3/4 for the time being…
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morning wood…happens without any stimulation…that's why I said before its ODD that the chemical reaction in my body is happening automatically now without my own help….so if THAT can happen at all for me or any other man….then you'd think the body would naturally ALWAYS allow self-stimulation or being with a partner to work….but, as I said before that seems to NOT be the case as I've sometimes tried self-stimulation but nothing happens…no bodily response….so I wonder where in the medical literature this puzzle is researched….. ????
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Nativemi,
I very much enjoy receiving morning wood, I know it may not be as firm as the past but it is a sign something is there. I like to think more is coming where at some point I won’t need the viagra I am taking. I am still only 8 months post surgery and Ryann09’s AI’s answer is correct, it takes time.
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hi wheel…
I think I started getting erections in the morning at about 6-8 months but…they weren't to the level of 'normal' as compared to pre-surgery….and I am at 15 months now and they are firmer than at 6-8 months as well…however, still not to the pre-surgery level of 100%…I don't know if they will return to that…some commentary indicates they will/should…and some I see say they will never be the same level of firmness…so, I don't know as yet…but I'd say I am at 3/4 level and hoping for more, obviously…
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same here, but approaching 72 and couldn’t be happier with my results. I was taking the its the end here, so with my cancer out and encouraging prospect’s I am pleased. At 72 regardless most men statistically are having levels of ED and you are heading towards the end of the sexual run.
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Thank you for starting this thread. I have all the same questions. We are on a very similar timeframe. Nerve sparing surgery 11 months ago, 69 years old, gleason 3+4 5 momths before surgery...but 4+3 post biopsy.
My Dr said it would likely take 12 to 18 months for erections to return. So far not much. After about 6 months with the aid of viagra, I got almost firm enough for intercourse, but not enought 75% ish. Since then I have plateaued.
My most recent PSA test came back <.004. (Nerve wracking waiting for result)...so that is really great. I have to remind myself....I don't want cancer...so a little ED is not a terrible trade-off.
My wife and I have a great relationship and we still have sex. Surprising that orgasms are still the same even without the erection.
Hoping my erections eventually come back, but I am ok if it doesn't...just as long as PC doesn't return.
Les 4+3
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