Moli at another cross roads and mentally crying out loud.

Options

No sounds . no tears  but brain is hollering loud and nuff.  What To do with the reality of  this illness.?

Hello  my sisters, my soul  sustainers  Hello.  Although I hae been on the board  I have not posted  because  my treatment suggestions , rejections,request rejection,  indicisions ,actions and inactions keeps getting in the way, oh what a dizzying whirl wind  this monsterous cancer has bestowed upon me ,dare I say us?   Yes us.   I have read all your recent journeys , happy for some and sad for others . when I mentally  run to the  creator for comfort I ask for showers of blessings for you all  too.  RO 10  Stay strong you are loved.

 

My last few months  went something like this:

January ct scan :   recurrence  2 pelvic nodules both  less than 2cm

March    ct scan:    pelvic  nodules pretty much doubled up.

Oncologist suggestion:         Chemotherapy

Family Doctors suggestion:   Chemotherapy

Nurse Clinician   "                 Chemo

The Butcher, The Baker, The Candlestick maker:  suggestion : CHEMOTHERAPY

My reaction: (  very loud without words)  OH Gaaaad NO, Not This Gift That's  Gonna Keep On Giving  To  Me.    (then with words I heard me say ) no no no  (with no pause, sounding like Amy Weinhouse.) 

My  request  : surgery

Oncologist : Absolutely not. no no no .( her time  to sound like Amy Weinhouse,  geezz !!) .

I then asked for MRI  instead of more  CT  Scans booked for May .

In  the  last year I have had 6 already,That was my arguememt for MRI,,it didn't work , "no" was the order of the month, it seemed.  I didn't show up for ct scans,I cancelled. My Doctors are all very brilliant ,experienced and  caring but I am yearning for more options, more reliable and predictable treatment.They respectfully tell me that they too are yearning for better but this is all they have at this time. It begs the question What's a doctor who really cares , to do with us and our anger provoking dis-satisfaction.Yes it makes me angry that there are no green arrows at the crossroads for us.

Out of frustration at being  in limbo land  I shut cancer down and went back to the business of living for a month. Then last monday I went  to have an EEG test  to address  electrical shocks I have  been having in my brain periodically, for years ,  after the test I got to spend  at least 2 hours just talking with my  neurologist about everything thats going on  with me ., In those 2 hours he was a neurologist  ,father, ,brother, teacher ,he consoled when needed  yet reprimanded when necessary re: my decision to  not tell my family at this time. most of all he opened my eyes to  some reality re: my worry about so many scans. and my refusal to have  more ,also the nature of my cancer, an eye opener.

 

These were his exact words.  " I respect your concern  and  I will not fool you or attempt to unschool myself , yes ct scans can and do cause other cancers but if you get a ct scan related cancer I gurrantee you that the kind of cancer that you have will kill you  way before a ct  cancer gets out of the gate. Do yourself a favor and re book the appointment for the scan " 

 He cried and gave me a hug and  for the first time in this journey I cried for me., I actually cried for me, this time.I didn't cry for my children or my grand children . I cried for me because I get it ,with no sugar coating , yet with no such spoken words from this God sent Chinese doctor that is far removed from my cancer care team at another hospital. I looked in his eyes while he begged me to tell my family and I suddenly understood his unspoken message.   I get it  that I have one foot in the grave and one on a banana peel that is on wet concrete.

 

I am booked for the CT scan for June 24th ,and no one had any trouble with me , yes I did , My oncologist/ surgeon called to say she received a letter from the neurologist ,She wouid not disclose the content but  offers to look at the scans when they are done , and will consider surgery if no further masses are seen , now it's how to keep those masses away .I am at peace with the offer. but not yet doing the no chemo happy dance , because there are sensations in my abdomen that keeps me pondering, overall I feel very well. last night I had a 3 hour walk.

Wishing all of you better health and peace of mind, nuff nuff love.

«134

Comments

  • Kathy G.
    Kathy G. Member Posts: 244 Member
    Options
    Moli,
    So sorry for what you

    Moli,

    So sorry for what you are going thru...

    Your post captured the essence of what so many of us have felt since we started this journey! I always feel the need to say I was 'blessed' - not lucky...that I was so early stage I only needed surgery.

    I do not know how you true warriors who deal w/the ongoing assaults of this dread disease cope. It is beyond my comprehension.

    Thank God for some of the professionals who still have compassion & bedside manner like your neurologist. I truly believe God works thru them. It appears he provided you w/some level of peace given your situation.

    I pray that you can find some peace as you continue down this road. I understand your fears. We have a 34 year old son diagnosed w/what appears to be late stage lung cancer & refused to see a doctor. We have to respect his decision...

     

  • molimoli
    molimoli Member Posts: 514
    Options
    Kathy G. said:

    Moli,
    So sorry for what you

    Moli,

    So sorry for what you are going thru...

    Your post captured the essence of what so many of us have felt since we started this journey! I always feel the need to say I was 'blessed' - not lucky...that I was so early stage I only needed surgery.

    I do not know how you true warriors who deal w/the ongoing assaults of this dread disease cope. It is beyond my comprehension.

    Thank God for some of the professionals who still have compassion & bedside manner like your neurologist. I truly believe God works thru them. It appears he provided you w/some level of peace given your situation.

    I pray that you can find some peace as you continue down this road. I understand your fears. We have a 34 year old son diagnosed w/what appears to be late stage lung cancer & refused to see a doctor. We have to respect his decision...

     

    Thank you Kathy G.for kind wishes.

    Yes after that talk I am seeing through clearer windows, and reading of the daily struggles some sisters are dealing with ,my glass is definately half  full.  which gives me  quite a bit of peace of mind.  I got my scan date moved to monday, 15th. ,Hoping for no more mets., but is braced. Will update as things unfolds.

     

    Very sorry to hear of your son's diagnosis., must be hard for you  to watch,please try to  encourage him to at least have a doctor on board monitoring him.so he wont be constantly getting  new surprises with  each new  symptom, it's better to be informed , it allows for better decisions. Wish I could will this away from that young man,breaks my heart big time. stay strong dear,

  • NoTimeForCancer
    NoTimeForCancer Member Posts: 3,386 Member
    Options
    molimoli said:

    Thank you Kathy G.for kind wishes.

    Yes after that talk I am seeing through clearer windows, and reading of the daily struggles some sisters are dealing with ,my glass is definately half  full.  which gives me  quite a bit of peace of mind.  I got my scan date moved to monday, 15th. ,Hoping for no more mets., but is braced. Will update as things unfolds.

     

    Very sorry to hear of your son's diagnosis., must be hard for you  to watch,please try to  encourage him to at least have a doctor on board monitoring him.so he wont be constantly getting  new surprises with  each new  symptom, it's better to be informed , it allows for better decisions. Wish I could will this away from that young man,breaks my heart big time. stay strong dear,

    Moli and Kathy G, please

    Moli and Kathy G, please don't misinterpret the lack of comments as a lack of caring by anyone on this board. 

    Moli, I read your post and thougth, "dear God, what could I possible say?"  I wish none of us had to find this site.  I know that there have been some breakthroughs in treatment but no absolute cure yet.  Many ladies have read this, I know they have because they tell us how they read but not post, which is FINE, but what can I say??  I think Kathy G said it beautfiully.  Sometimes this is the place we can come and say what we want in a safe place where people truly understand, and all we want is someone to sit and listen.

    Kathy G, yes, respecting your son's wishes doesn't mean it doesn't pull on your heart.

    I wish peace for all cancer warriors.  It is a battle I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  I may not comment on every post, but I do pray a cure can be found to this terrible disease as we lose too many good people too young.

     

  • artist49
    artist49 Member Posts: 87
    Options
    Moli

    Moli please contact me privately on this site. I would

    like to explain some of the things I've done to stay

    in remission. Maybe they will help you.

  • molimoli
    molimoli Member Posts: 514
    Options

    Moli and Kathy G, please

    Moli and Kathy G, please don't misinterpret the lack of comments as a lack of caring by anyone on this board. 

    Moli, I read your post and thougth, "dear God, what could I possible say?"  I wish none of us had to find this site.  I know that there have been some breakthroughs in treatment but no absolute cure yet.  Many ladies have read this, I know they have because they tell us how they read but not post, which is FINE, but what can I say??  I think Kathy G said it beautfiully.  Sometimes this is the place we can come and say what we want in a safe place where people truly understand, and all we want is someone to sit and listen.

    Kathy G, yes, respecting your son's wishes doesn't mean it doesn't pull on your heart.

    I wish peace for all cancer warriors.  It is a battle I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  I may not comment on every post, but I do pray a cure can be found to this terrible disease as we lose too many good people too young.

     

    NoTimeForCancer, you are a gem. Thank you

    You have always made the time to encourage ,to inform , to  teach, to share , or simply  to console , we appreciate you and all the other also wonderful women that made this happen  and continue this literal sounding board . we newbies are learning daily what you already know,thanks to you all for sharing.

     

    I personally share to learn, to vent, to inform  , to voice  anxieties and fears ,even the secret fears that cannot be voiced, ( just to read that others have them too  is both validating and calming )  to show how different ( or  sometimes  crazy) our views can be  although  we strive for the same goal , to beat this god-awful thing, Cancer.

    Re;  Misinterpreting,   It never crossed my mind,but you  brought a smile  to my spirit.,will explain later.

       I have  found the ladies here are inviting and caring  , I too read the posts and most times feel happy or sad about the situations that are expressed without responding , not because I dont care , not at all ,I do care but sometimes after reading the posts  THE WORDS ARE JUST NOT THERE TO EXPRESS THE FEELINGS. AND SOMETIMES  I AM JUST MENTALLY ARRESTED BY THE LEARNED REALITIES  OF THE POSSIBLE ROAD AHEAD WITH ALL THE HICCUPS I JUST  READ ABOUT. THROUGHOUT MY LONG SILENCES PLEASE KNOW THAT I CARE,  I AM HOLDING ALL YOUR HANDS ALL THE WHILE, SOMETIMES TO STEADY ME. 

    Re spirit smiling : The fact that you wrote your first sentence in such an apologetic way  speaks volume  about who you are as a person. you apologized for the whole uterine board,  It is your desire to protect and cradle us that caused you to  be concerned about  how we feel about the lack of response.  I smiled with much admiration, without a doubt I know you care.Thanks from all of us on this board and the ovarian board.

    Finally , to all the non responders, I declare ,I am not throwing stones ,I live in a glass house.  lol then lol again.

                                                                                                                                                     nuff nuff love, Moli

  • molimoli
    molimoli Member Posts: 514
    Options
    artist49 said:

    Moli

    Moli please contact me privately on this site. I would

    like to explain some of the things I've done to stay

    in remission. Maybe they will help you.

    artist49 I wouid love to .

    I dont know how  to contact privately ,looked around on this site but can't figure out how. Please instruct me . thank you.

  • NoTimeForCancer
    NoTimeForCancer Member Posts: 3,386 Member
    Options
    molimoli said:

    artist49 I wouid love to .

    I dont know how  to contact privately ,looked around on this site but can't figure out how. Please instruct me . thank you.

    moli, you are kind.  I am

    moli, you are kind.  I am just a reflection of everything I have received.

    To send a private message just CLICK in the BLUE BOX to the left of the post on "artist 49".  It will pop up her personal page and at the bottom in blue text you will see "Send this user a message".  That way you can chat with each other outside of public view.

  • molimoli
    molimoli Member Posts: 514
    Options

    moli, you are kind.  I am

    moli, you are kind.  I am just a reflection of everything I have received.

    To send a private message just CLICK in the BLUE BOX to the left of the post on "artist 49".  It will pop up her personal page and at the bottom in blue text you will see "Send this user a message".  That way you can chat with each other outside of public view.

    No Time

    Bless you , Thanks. Will try.

  • AWK
    AWK Member Posts: 364 Member
    Options
    molimoli said:

    No Time

    Bless you , Thanks. Will try.

    Oh Moli

    I am not quite sure what to say.  I understand your feelings as I have them too from time to time.  I have now been in continuous treatment for just over two years.  It is exhausting at times, draining and overwhelming.  You are doing the healthiest thing by reaching out and participating and venting.  Taking a break from time to time is a good thing.  And being open to the unexpected Angels put in our way to help with pushing and pulling us through the times where we need it the most, like your neurologist.  

    I have been lucky even though there are many who probably don't think so.  My down days pass, I rally and continue forward.  I am very focused on living with this and trying to live fully.  I explore clinical trials; have met with many different doctors and been rejected many times.  But then something amazing happens, I meet someone or have an experience that my cancer caused to happen.  And I realize that I have had many amazing things happen because of my cancer that normally wouldn't have happened.  Including meeting the ladies here.  I try to stay open and am an active participant in my cancer as well as my life.  

    Be kind to yourself.  Sending you strength for the days you need it, a soft shoulder on the days you need it and prayers that you have some amazing experiences on this journey.

  • Kathy G.
    Kathy G. Member Posts: 244 Member
    Options

    Moli and Kathy G, please

    Moli and Kathy G, please don't misinterpret the lack of comments as a lack of caring by anyone on this board. 

    Moli, I read your post and thougth, "dear God, what could I possible say?"  I wish none of us had to find this site.  I know that there have been some breakthroughs in treatment but no absolute cure yet.  Many ladies have read this, I know they have because they tell us how they read but not post, which is FINE, but what can I say??  I think Kathy G said it beautfiully.  Sometimes this is the place we can come and say what we want in a safe place where people truly understand, and all we want is someone to sit and listen.

    Kathy G, yes, respecting your son's wishes doesn't mean it doesn't pull on your heart.

    I wish peace for all cancer warriors.  It is a battle I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  I may not comment on every post, but I do pray a cure can be found to this terrible disease as we lose too many good people too young.

     

    No Time for Cancer,
    I tried

    No Time for Cancer,

    I tried to respond to you yesterday, but the post disappeared when I went to send it...

    You make such a good point about many of us on this board that I don't recall hearing before. We read posts...sometimes we lurk, but at least in my case there have been countless times where I just can't find the words to respond to someone's situation. Even something as simple as 'thinking of you' or 'praying' sounds trite...so I don't respond at all. But I sign off feeling awful!

    I have had to take breaks from the board just b/c READING the struggles is so overwhelming...I cannot imagine LIVING them!

    It is also a good point that we come here just to have a safe place to vent...& have ppl who will listen.

    Newcomers in particular need to know when someone does not respond it is not b/c we don't care.

    Thank you!

    In terms of our son he was diagnosed back in March when he was admitted to the hospital via the ER. He was discharged w/instructions not to smoke, take his meds & keep his appt. scheduled w/the oncologist. He has done none of these things! He has halfway across the country so it is difficult to determine all that is going on. He is in a long-term relationship & girlfriend says she 'tells him' he needs to get to dr., but he makes excuses not to go. It has gotten to the point after several 'heart to hearts' where aside from asking him how he is doing we have decided we need to let it go. He has made some kind of decision to not deal w/it for whatever reasons, and we do not want to make his life hell by harping on it. Still, we do not understand & we fear what may lie ahead for him.

    Absolutely heartbreaking!

    God help us...we need a cure!

  • Abbycat2
    Abbycat2 Member Posts: 644 Member
    Options
    AWK said:

    Oh Moli

    I am not quite sure what to say.  I understand your feelings as I have them too from time to time.  I have now been in continuous treatment for just over two years.  It is exhausting at times, draining and overwhelming.  You are doing the healthiest thing by reaching out and participating and venting.  Taking a break from time to time is a good thing.  And being open to the unexpected Angels put in our way to help with pushing and pulling us through the times where we need it the most, like your neurologist.  

    I have been lucky even though there are many who probably don't think so.  My down days pass, I rally and continue forward.  I am very focused on living with this and trying to live fully.  I explore clinical trials; have met with many different doctors and been rejected many times.  But then something amazing happens, I meet someone or have an experience that my cancer caused to happen.  And I realize that I have had many amazing things happen because of my cancer that normally wouldn't have happened.  Including meeting the ladies here.  I try to stay open and am an active participant in my cancer as well as my life.  

    Be kind to yourself.  Sending you strength for the days you need it, a soft shoulder on the days you need it and prayers that you have some amazing experiences on this journey.

    Oh, dear Lord!

    I am more spiritual then some, less than others. I have not posted in a while- oh, no, it is for reasons that perhaps you may not realise. It is because I sometimes am too busy grieving for you among us with the heaviest burdens to cope with! My heart is just breaking and I am at a loss for words. My soul aches for you, Debra and you, Ro, and you Anne (AWK) and Molimoli and Kathy G. And my soul aches for me , as well, as I am well aware of how precarious my life is.  I only have a small inkling as to how I personally got here. With sooooo much CA in my ancestry it is not a surprise. But really, how did someone like myself - an athlete in great health - get dealt this card??!  I did everything right - great health, normal BMI- and yet here I am. And so I grieve. My onc gyne told me last week that my quality of life will remain "reasonable" for perhaps  2 years or so. OMG-THEN WHAT?? Oh, dear Lord, I am scared to death! Each day feels like  I've received both a blessing and also a curse. Each day brings me closer to my demise. Forgive me for my personal anguish . I am just not ready to lose any of you fine women to this horrible disease. And I am not ready to release my life either.

    I pray that each of you find joy in each day and quiet moments of peace.

    ((((Hugs)))) to each of you,

    Cathy

     

     

  • ConnieSW
    ConnieSW Member Posts: 1,680 Member
    Options
    Abbycat2 said:

    Oh, dear Lord!

    I am more spiritual then some, less than others. I have not posted in a while- oh, no, it is for reasons that perhaps you may not realise. It is because I sometimes am too busy grieving for you among us with the heaviest burdens to cope with! My heart is just breaking and I am at a loss for words. My soul aches for you, Debra and you, Ro, and you Anne (AWK) and Molimoli and Kathy G. And my soul aches for me , as well, as I am well aware of how precarious my life is.  I only have a small inkling as to how I personally got here. With sooooo much CA in my ancestry it is not a surprise. But really, how did someone like myself - an athlete in great health - get dealt this card??!  I did everything right - great health, normal BMI- and yet here I am. And so I grieve. My onc gyne told me last week that my quality of life will remain "reasonable" for perhaps  2 years or so. OMG-THEN WHAT?? Oh, dear Lord, I am scared to death! Each day feels like  I've received both a blessing and also a curse. Each day brings me closer to my demise. Forgive me for my personal anguish . I am just not ready to lose any of you fine women to this horrible disease. And I am not ready to release my life either.

    I pray that each of you find joy in each day and quiet moments of peace.

    ((((Hugs)))) to each of you,

    Cathy

     

     

    Cathy

    I'm here.  I hear you.  I miss the women we've lost so much and I worry about everyone else.  I, too, take a break from posting sometimes, not because I don't care but because a care too much.  I'm not gifted with words of comfort for you but they are in my heart.  I'm not sure I should even post this.  Don't give up hope.

  • Lou Ann M
    Lou Ann M Member Posts: 996 Member
    Options
    molimoli said:

    NoTimeForCancer, you are a gem. Thank you

    You have always made the time to encourage ,to inform , to  teach, to share , or simply  to console , we appreciate you and all the other also wonderful women that made this happen  and continue this literal sounding board . we newbies are learning daily what you already know,thanks to you all for sharing.

     

    I personally share to learn, to vent, to inform  , to voice  anxieties and fears ,even the secret fears that cannot be voiced, ( just to read that others have them too  is both validating and calming )  to show how different ( or  sometimes  crazy) our views can be  although  we strive for the same goal , to beat this god-awful thing, Cancer.

    Re;  Misinterpreting,   It never crossed my mind,but you  brought a smile  to my spirit.,will explain later.

       I have  found the ladies here are inviting and caring  , I too read the posts and most times feel happy or sad about the situations that are expressed without responding , not because I dont care , not at all ,I do care but sometimes after reading the posts  THE WORDS ARE JUST NOT THERE TO EXPRESS THE FEELINGS. AND SOMETIMES  I AM JUST MENTALLY ARRESTED BY THE LEARNED REALITIES  OF THE POSSIBLE ROAD AHEAD WITH ALL THE HICCUPS I JUST  READ ABOUT. THROUGHOUT MY LONG SILENCES PLEASE KNOW THAT I CARE,  I AM HOLDING ALL YOUR HANDS ALL THE WHILE, SOMETIMES TO STEADY ME. 

    Re spirit smiling : The fact that you wrote your first sentence in such an apologetic way  speaks volume  about who you are as a person. you apologized for the whole uterine board,  It is your desire to protect and cradle us that caused you to  be concerned about  how we feel about the lack of response.  I smiled with much admiration, without a doubt I know you care.Thanks from all of us on this board and the ovarian board.

    Finally , to all the non responders, I declare ,I am not throwing stones ,I live in a glass house.  lol then lol again.

                                                                                                                                                     nuff nuff love, Moli

    I am still pretty new here and don't post very often. I read everything and find it to be a sorce of comfort and education. So often I read the wonderful posts of others and know I have nothing better to add.  I am sad there has to be a site like this, but I am thankful to hear from others in the same boat.  It is hopeful to hear from those who have servived for many years with stage 4 cancer.

    Prayers, hugs, and love to all, Lou Ann

  • debrajo
    debrajo Member Posts: 1,095 Member
    Options
    Abbycat2 said:

    Oh, dear Lord!

    I am more spiritual then some, less than others. I have not posted in a while- oh, no, it is for reasons that perhaps you may not realise. It is because I sometimes am too busy grieving for you among us with the heaviest burdens to cope with! My heart is just breaking and I am at a loss for words. My soul aches for you, Debra and you, Ro, and you Anne (AWK) and Molimoli and Kathy G. And my soul aches for me , as well, as I am well aware of how precarious my life is.  I only have a small inkling as to how I personally got here. With sooooo much CA in my ancestry it is not a surprise. But really, how did someone like myself - an athlete in great health - get dealt this card??!  I did everything right - great health, normal BMI- and yet here I am. And so I grieve. My onc gyne told me last week that my quality of life will remain "reasonable" for perhaps  2 years or so. OMG-THEN WHAT?? Oh, dear Lord, I am scared to death! Each day feels like  I've received both a blessing and also a curse. Each day brings me closer to my demise. Forgive me for my personal anguish . I am just not ready to lose any of you fine women to this horrible disease. And I am not ready to release my life either.

    I pray that each of you find joy in each day and quiet moments of peace.

    ((((Hugs)))) to each of you,

    Cathy

     

     

    Cathy

    This made me cry!  It breaks my heart to see you in distress for us and yourself!  That doctor had no right to tell you your life has two years to remain "reasonable"!  What nerve!  Our life cannot be predicted by human intelect......that is God's business and ours.  I personally plan to tell death to kiss my rosey red...hand!  I don't have time for that nonsence!  I  I have grandchildren I have yet to meet,old people to care for, kids to raise, and maybe, just maybe, somethings I want to do!  I have heard a quote that "Death is the great Equalizer". well, I think cancer is.  We didn't do right or wrong with this cruddy cancer.  If that were the cas I'll live to 100! I will go when and how the Good Lord sees fit, not one minute sooner.!  Don't grieve Cathy.  Remember the ones we have lost, maybe shed a tear or two, but live!   For everything there is a season and a purpose unto Heaven   Thank you for caring, we all have to step back at times!  Debra

  • mamamoody
    mamamoody Member Posts: 28
    Options
    debrajo said:

    Cathy

    This made me cry!  It breaks my heart to see you in distress for us and yourself!  That doctor had no right to tell you your life has two years to remain "reasonable"!  What nerve!  Our life cannot be predicted by human intelect......that is God's business and ours.  I personally plan to tell death to kiss my rosey red...hand!  I don't have time for that nonsence!  I  I have grandchildren I have yet to meet,old people to care for, kids to raise, and maybe, just maybe, somethings I want to do!  I have heard a quote that "Death is the great Equalizer". well, I think cancer is.  We didn't do right or wrong with this cruddy cancer.  If that were the cas I'll live to 100! I will go when and how the Good Lord sees fit, not one minute sooner.!  Don't grieve Cathy.  Remember the ones we have lost, maybe shed a tear or two, but live!   For everything there is a season and a purpose unto Heaven   Thank you for caring, we all have to step back at times!  Debra

    Hi, New here

    Hey ladies,

    My name is Tina and I just joined up yesterday.  I found the site looking for info on uterine/lung cancer.  I like it how many of you can be so honest.  You can't always share those negative feelings with your loved ones or else they'll think you are "giving up".  For me, I'm far from that, but it does get to me sometimes.  Not so much the cancer itself, but the treatment sideeffects.  I just get so tired of hurting sometimes.  I don't know my future beyond the fact that I will eventually die, as all men will, but I'm firm in this conviction ...I'm not going anywhere until God says I am.  My faith in a loving God means everything to me, but I'll do my best to not be preachy.

    I pray for you all, and most of all for peace in your lives.

  • molimoli
    molimoli Member Posts: 514
    Options
    mamamoody said:

    Hi, New here

    Hey ladies,

    My name is Tina and I just joined up yesterday.  I found the site looking for info on uterine/lung cancer.  I like it how many of you can be so honest.  You can't always share those negative feelings with your loved ones or else they'll think you are "giving up".  For me, I'm far from that, but it does get to me sometimes.  Not so much the cancer itself, but the treatment sideeffects.  I just get so tired of hurting sometimes.  I don't know my future beyond the fact that I will eventually die, as all men will, but I'm firm in this conviction ...I'm not going anywhere until God says I am.  My faith in a loving God means everything to me, but I'll do my best to not be preachy.

    I pray for you all, and most of all for peace in your lives.

    Mamamoody, preachy ,no problem.

    Sorry you had  to hop unto this bus  but welcome, we are newbies but if you stick around and read the postings of the older ladies (not  refering to age) you will learn more from personal experiences than doctors even know themselves. Here You will be comforted ,  you will be sad , you will smile ,you will shed secret tears , you will be frightened out of your whits,you will understand ,you will come to terms,you will change those terms ,you will be doubtful, hopefu,l you will have full conversations complete with answers for and against all by yourself. Just always remember, you have sisters riding with you and through it all  we will be with you all the while.

    Don't worry about being preachy,So what if you are preachy ,This board is multiculteral,multi denominational,none denominational, athiest agnostics, We all come to take from it that which gives us comfort, hope,  and education  while we respect  and embrace our differences, Joining is not conditional upon us all being the  same , I haven't found so at all. Just be you and feel the hug.

  • molimoli
    molimoli Member Posts: 514
    Options
    debrajo said:

    Cathy

    This made me cry!  It breaks my heart to see you in distress for us and yourself!  That doctor had no right to tell you your life has two years to remain "reasonable"!  What nerve!  Our life cannot be predicted by human intelect......that is God's business and ours.  I personally plan to tell death to kiss my rosey red...hand!  I don't have time for that nonsence!  I  I have grandchildren I have yet to meet,old people to care for, kids to raise, and maybe, just maybe, somethings I want to do!  I have heard a quote that "Death is the great Equalizer". well, I think cancer is.  We didn't do right or wrong with this cruddy cancer.  If that were the cas I'll live to 100! I will go when and how the Good Lord sees fit, not one minute sooner.!  Don't grieve Cathy.  Remember the ones we have lost, maybe shed a tear or two, but live!   For everything there is a season and a purpose unto Heaven   Thank you for caring, we all have to step back at times!  Debra

    Debra I hear your rant  and

    Debra I hear your rant  and understand why that statement is  not sitting well with you, as  the Lord has carried you safely , thus far , I get it and respect your views fully ,however  I have had the same "warning"  from several oncologists ,  It shocked and frightened but it helped me with my chronic  procrastination  about this cancer ,hearing it so  frankly put, prompted me to do the best living I can do each day, also to be more proactive with finding ways to fight,

    For some of us initially , denial is just a river in Egypt until a doctor becomes brutally  honest  and tells  us frankly  what they have observed and  documented over a period of time ,regarding the usual behaviors  of certain cancers, This cancer with or  without constant and aggressive treatment  will start reaking havoc  on our well being and quality of life, after about  2 years for most people.Thats what I was told . They also told me that there may be a few exceptions , but I must live now as if I already know that I am  not the exception.none of them said I'll  likely die in 2 years just that the going  will get tough.Thats what they know, I took the news with gratitude and started doing, not just promising to do tomorrow . I have a lot of catching up to do as I already died  for far too long. I now take time out. Now is always  a good time for all of us.

    You see we really are all different  and looking out of different windows and thats a good thing,  Showers of blessings , my wish for us.

  • molimoli
    molimoli Member Posts: 514
    Options
    AWK said:

    Oh Moli

    I am not quite sure what to say.  I understand your feelings as I have them too from time to time.  I have now been in continuous treatment for just over two years.  It is exhausting at times, draining and overwhelming.  You are doing the healthiest thing by reaching out and participating and venting.  Taking a break from time to time is a good thing.  And being open to the unexpected Angels put in our way to help with pushing and pulling us through the times where we need it the most, like your neurologist.  

    I have been lucky even though there are many who probably don't think so.  My down days pass, I rally and continue forward.  I am very focused on living with this and trying to live fully.  I explore clinical trials; have met with many different doctors and been rejected many times.  But then something amazing happens, I meet someone or have an experience that my cancer caused to happen.  And I realize that I have had many amazing things happen because of my cancer that normally wouldn't have happened.  Including meeting the ladies here.  I try to stay open and am an active participant in my cancer as well as my life.  

    Be kind to yourself.  Sending you strength for the days you need it, a soft shoulder on the days you need it and prayers that you have some amazing experiences on this journey.

    AWK Thanks for insight and encouragement.

    I have read some of your posts and I cringe at the thought of possible continuous treatment , I can't  fathom  how your body can stand up to the assault over and over again. You are mighty strong in body and spirit. I admire your will to keep on fighting. May the creator continue to strengthen and guide your path and decisions.

    It's been an amazing  educational ride with all of you indeed, thanks for the informative posts  and the shoulder ,like Cathy my wings are worn,

     This cancer diagnosis caused me to see beauty in things I hadn't noticed before. Hope to see much more before iI get really sick.

     I am opening my life to all the enriching experiences out there for as long as I can  with as many countries and peoples as I can, that is my resolve.

            Will update on the 30th when I get my scan result, did it on monday.will see oncologist on 30th.                                                                                                                                                         nuff nuff love. 

  • molimoli
    molimoli Member Posts: 514
    Options
    Kathy G. said:

    No Time for Cancer,
    I tried

    No Time for Cancer,

    I tried to respond to you yesterday, but the post disappeared when I went to send it...

    You make such a good point about many of us on this board that I don't recall hearing before. We read posts...sometimes we lurk, but at least in my case there have been countless times where I just can't find the words to respond to someone's situation. Even something as simple as 'thinking of you' or 'praying' sounds trite...so I don't respond at all. But I sign off feeling awful!

    I have had to take breaks from the board just b/c READING the struggles is so overwhelming...I cannot imagine LIVING them!

    It is also a good point that we come here just to have a safe place to vent...& have ppl who will listen.

    Newcomers in particular need to know when someone does not respond it is not b/c we don't care.

    Thank you!

    In terms of our son he was diagnosed back in March when he was admitted to the hospital via the ER. He was discharged w/instructions not to smoke, take his meds & keep his appt. scheduled w/the oncologist. He has done none of these things! He has halfway across the country so it is difficult to determine all that is going on. He is in a long-term relationship & girlfriend says she 'tells him' he needs to get to dr., but he makes excuses not to go. It has gotten to the point after several 'heart to hearts' where aside from asking him how he is doing we have decided we need to let it go. He has made some kind of decision to not deal w/it for whatever reasons, and we do not want to make his life hell by harping on it. Still, we do not understand & we fear what may lie ahead for him.

    Absolutely heartbreaking!

    God help us...we need a cure!

    Kathy , still reach out to him re: going to a doctor,

    He is probably processing it in fear and wonderment .Hope soon he will wake up to the reality like we all had to , so he can make informed decisions.  Too young ,Too sad. He is scared it's understandable. Rocky awful road burying a child that I know very well.  I hope for you added strength.

    Yes cure for all cancers Please,Please, pop up in some scientists head, We humbly beg the creator for aid.

                                                                                                                           Nuff Love

  • AWK
    AWK Member Posts: 364 Member
    Options
    Abbycat2 said:

    Oh, dear Lord!

    I am more spiritual then some, less than others. I have not posted in a while- oh, no, it is for reasons that perhaps you may not realise. It is because I sometimes am too busy grieving for you among us with the heaviest burdens to cope with! My heart is just breaking and I am at a loss for words. My soul aches for you, Debra and you, Ro, and you Anne (AWK) and Molimoli and Kathy G. And my soul aches for me , as well, as I am well aware of how precarious my life is.  I only have a small inkling as to how I personally got here. With sooooo much CA in my ancestry it is not a surprise. But really, how did someone like myself - an athlete in great health - get dealt this card??!  I did everything right - great health, normal BMI- and yet here I am. And so I grieve. My onc gyne told me last week that my quality of life will remain "reasonable" for perhaps  2 years or so. OMG-THEN WHAT?? Oh, dear Lord, I am scared to death! Each day feels like  I've received both a blessing and also a curse. Each day brings me closer to my demise. Forgive me for my personal anguish . I am just not ready to lose any of you fine women to this horrible disease. And I am not ready to release my life either.

    I pray that each of you find joy in each day and quiet moments of peace.

    ((((Hugs)))) to each of you,

    Cathy

     

     

    Cathy I have been thinking about you

    I totally get it.  As I have been dealing with various doctors these past couple of months I haven't been posting very much - although I read the posts.  You can feel the pain and sadness of our ladies as well as some of the joys and positivity.  I remind myself that this is all part of a full, rich (not financially) life.  I think the thing that I always remind myself is that I am still living and living fully.  Which you and Ro btw really reminded me of last year.

    As to your doctor, I am not sure what to say.  I haven't had that experience with mine; they really feel strongly that this is the journey of an individual.  They encourage my working and riding and we work together on my treatment plans.  This week is the first time my doctor suggested slowing down the work, I have gallstones and will have my gallbladder removed in the next week or so.  A surgical oncologist is doing the surgery and removing it intact.  And honestly, in the scheme of things for me - it isn't a big deal.

    I do hope you are out and getting your swims in and traveling.  We should all be making the time to do things we love, now more than ever.  And as to your doctor - I told mine that they needed to believe in me and if they couldn't, then we would have to part ways.  They loved it.  I continue to be a lucky lady.  And you are a huge part of that.

    Stay Strong and Thrive.  Sending hugs - Anne