Funny bonz...
Comments
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Three vampires...garym said:The porch...
An attractive blonde girl wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do, "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded. The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."
A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already??" the startled husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip...
"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"0 -
Love life...garym said:The porch...
An attractive blonde girl wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do, "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded. The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."
A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already??" the startled husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip...
"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
A man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"
"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."0 -
Donkey-boy...garym said:The porch...
An attractive blonde girl wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do, "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded. The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."
A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already??" the startled husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip...
"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
Bob and Jim walk into a bar. Bob says, "Hey Donkey-boy, get me a drink." The bartender gets him a drink.
Bob says, "Donkey-boy, get me another drink." The bartender gets him another drink.
Finally, Jim asks the bartender, "Why does he call you Donkey-boy?"
"I don't know. Hehaw-hehaw-he always calls me that."0 -
One more bar joke...garym said:The porch...
An attractive blonde girl wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do, "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded. The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."
A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already??" the startled husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip...
"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."
The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"
On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"0 -
Question - Answergarym said:Question...
Is this that doin' it doggie story you referred to before$
Alice - always the champion of the under-dog!0 -
Texas lawman test...
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as
a longhorn and fast as mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at
40 paces.
When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of
working--as a Sheriff's Deputy in Texas.
After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him
into his office for the young man's last interview.
The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So
far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an
"Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted. We
just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief
said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six lawyers,
six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.
"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?0 -
Cowboy honeymoon...garym said:Texas lawman test...
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as
a longhorn and fast as mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at
40 paces.
When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of
working--as a Sheriff's Deputy in Texas.
After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him
into his office for the young man's last interview.
The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So
far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an
"Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted. We
just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief
said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six lawyers,
six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.
"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?
A COWBOY & HIS BRAND-NEW BRIDE CHECK INTO A HOTEL FOR THEIR HONEYMOON. THE HUSBAND GOES TO THE FRONT DESK, & ASKS FOR A ROOM.
"THIS IS A VERY SPECIAL OCCASION," HE INFORMS THE RECEPTIONIST. "WE DONE GOT MARRIED TODAY, & WE NEED A GOOD ROOM WITH A BIG, STRONG BED."
THE RECEPTIONIST WINKS, & ASKS, "DO YOU WANT THE BRIDAL THEN?"
THE COWBOY THINKS ABOUT IT FOR A WHILE, & THEN REPLIES, "NOPE, I GUESS NOT. I'LL JUST HOLD ONTO HER EARS UNTIL SHE GETS USED TO IT.0 -
In a Detroit church...garym said:Texas lawman test...
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as
a longhorn and fast as mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at
40 paces.
When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of
working--as a Sheriff's Deputy in Texas.
After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him
into his office for the young man's last interview.
The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So
far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an
"Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted. We
just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief
said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six lawyers,
six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.
"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?
In a Detroit church one Sunday morning, the preacher said "Anyone with 'special needs" who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, a man got in line, and when it was his turn, the preacher asked, "Sir, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
The man replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in his ear, placed his
other hand on top of the man's head, and then prayed and prayed and
prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for him, and the whole
congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few moments, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "How is your hearing now?"
The man answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."0 -
Sex after surgery...
This one is a bit risque, read at your own risk...
A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, “Yes, you'll be fine.
It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
Don't say you weren't warned!0 -
An ode to winter in Michigan...garym said:Sex after surgery...
This one is a bit risque, read at your own risk...
A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, “Yes, you'll be fine.
It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
Don't say you weren't warned!
It's winter in Michigan
And the gentle breezes blow,
70 miles per hour at 52 below!
Oh, how I love Michigan
When the snow's up to your butt;
You take a breath of winter air
And your nose freezes shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
You may think me a fool.
I could never leave Michigan,
I'm frozen to the stool.0 -
The Electrical Engineer...garym said:Sex after surgery...
This one is a bit risque, read at your own risk...
A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, “Yes, you'll be fine.
It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
Don't say you weren't warned!
Around the turn of the last century, a very famous electrical engineer gave up his trade and decided to travel around the world and discover other cultures. On his way back through the US, he stumbled upon a very poor and isolated Navajo village. He was so awed that his fellow Americans could be living in such destitution, that he sought out the Chief, to see what he could do to help. After several hours, the engineer finally succeeded in explaining the concept of electricity to the Chief, he implored the Chief to think of some way to implement the new technology.
After a few minutes, the Chief scratched his head and said, "Well, you know the outhouse is very cold and dark in the winter. Perhaps a light bulb would make that a better place for our people.
Needless to say, the engineer fulfilled the request, and became the first tourist to wire a head for a reservation.
This one stinks, I know...0 -
Enlighteninggarym said:The Electrical Engineer...
Around the turn of the last century, a very famous electrical engineer gave up his trade and decided to travel around the world and discover other cultures. On his way back through the US, he stumbled upon a very poor and isolated Navajo village. He was so awed that his fellow Americans could be living in such destitution, that he sought out the Chief, to see what he could do to help. After several hours, the engineer finally succeeded in explaining the concept of electricity to the Chief, he implored the Chief to think of some way to implement the new technology.
After a few minutes, the Chief scratched his head and said, "Well, you know the outhouse is very cold and dark in the winter. Perhaps a light bulb would make that a better place for our people.
Needless to say, the engineer fulfilled the request, and became the first tourist to wire a head for a reservation.
This one stinks, I know...
but "This one stinks" is a bit unkind about Indian heads and head Indians.
Gary, you've no idea how many brownie points you earn me with all my friends! I bet I'm not the only one here who constantly forwards your funnies to a whole host of people. iceman looks out for our possible cardiac issues while you take care of our funny bones!0 -
You are too kind...Texas_wedge said:Enlightening
but "This one stinks" is a bit unkind about Indian heads and head Indians.
Gary, you've no idea how many brownie points you earn me with all my friends! I bet I'm not the only one here who constantly forwards your funnies to a whole host of people. iceman looks out for our possible cardiac issues while you take care of our funny bones!
T,
When MikeK703 left us because the darkness here kept dragging him down, and having similar feelings of my own, I wondered if providing a few laughs wouldn't help. I was a bit apprehensive at first, not wanting to offend anyone or create the notion that we take cancer lightly around here, but it seems to have been received in the manner it was intended as there has been much positive feedback. Thank you.
BYW, I have a golfing dilemma you might be able to help with;
Say you are playing in the finals for the club championship and the match is tied as you reach the 18th tee. You hit your tee shot 270 yards right down the middle and your opponent slices his badly into the trees on the right.
After helping search for your opponents ball for a few minutes he says "Why don't you go hit your second while I continue the search?" You return to your ball, hit your second onto the green within 20 feet of the flag and then hear "FOUND IT!" followed by the sound of a ball being struck and seeing it land on the green only inches from the pin.
Now here's the dilemma;
Do you take the cheating b***ard's ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?0 -
Hahahagarym said:You are too kind...
T,
When MikeK703 left us because the darkness here kept dragging him down, and having similar feelings of my own, I wondered if providing a few laughs wouldn't help. I was a bit apprehensive at first, not wanting to offend anyone or create the notion that we take cancer lightly around here, but it seems to have been received in the manner it was intended as there has been much positive feedback. Thank you.
BYW, I have a golfing dilemma you might be able to help with;
Say you are playing in the finals for the club championship and the match is tied as you reach the 18th tee. You hit your tee shot 270 yards right down the middle and your opponent slices his badly into the trees on the right.
After helping search for your opponents ball for a few minutes he says "Why don't you go hit your second while I continue the search?" You return to your ball, hit your second onto the green within 20 feet of the flag and then hear "FOUND IT!" followed by the sound of a ball being struck and seeing it land on the green only inches from the pin.
Now here's the dilemma;
Do you take the cheating b***ard's ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?
That's a really tough call, Gary!
Love this thread SO much. Thank you
0 -
OMG!! What did I just say...garym said:You are too kind...
T,
When MikeK703 left us because the darkness here kept dragging him down, and having similar feelings of my own, I wondered if providing a few laughs wouldn't help. I was a bit apprehensive at first, not wanting to offend anyone or create the notion that we take cancer lightly around here, but it seems to have been received in the manner it was intended as there has been much positive feedback. Thank you.
BYW, I have a golfing dilemma you might be able to help with;
Say you are playing in the finals for the club championship and the match is tied as you reach the 18th tee. You hit your tee shot 270 yards right down the middle and your opponent slices his badly into the trees on the right.
After helping search for your opponents ball for a few minutes he says "Why don't you go hit your second while I continue the search?" You return to your ball, hit your second onto the green within 20 feet of the flag and then hear "FOUND IT!" followed by the sound of a ball being struck and seeing it land on the green only inches from the pin.
Now here's the dilemma;
Do you take the cheating b***ard's ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?
Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie FannySunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."
'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."
Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... Oh my god! What have I just said?"0
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