Funny bonz...

garym

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly
realized that I don't really give a rat's hiney. It's the tortoise life for
me!

1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4.. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

*I'm retired. Go around me. *

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good
fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

*Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered: *

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the
bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play
chess?

16. It’s not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I
go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.



20. DID I POST THESE BEFORE..........??????

garym

Signs...
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -
miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry;
come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**************************
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

garym

To all my intelligent friends...
Keep that brain working; try to figure this one out....

See if you can figure out what these seven words all have in common?

1. Banana
2. Dresser
3. Grammar
4. Potato
5. Revive
6. Uneven
7. Assess



Give it another try....
Look at each word carefully. You'll kick yourself when you discover the
Answer. This is so cool..... REMEMBER I ONLY SENT THIS TO MY SMART FRIENDS

NOW DON'T LET ME DOWN
No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters....

Answer is below!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Answer:

In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Did you figure it out?

garym

Dig...
An old man and woman were married for many years. There were many a loud confrontation and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

Each fight would end with the old woman shouting, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

She was very mean and all the neighbors feared her.


The old woman liked the fact that she was feared and made every effort to keep it that way.


To everyone's relief, she finally died of a heart attack when she was 93.

There was a closed casket at the funeral.

After the burial, his neighbors, concerned for his safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The old man said, "Let her dig. I had her buried upside down so at least she'll be headed in the right direction!"

garym

Biology test...
Students in an Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.

The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice-a-versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in very attractive containers stored high enough from the ground that the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

alice124

garym said:

To all my intelligent friends...
Keep that brain working; try to figure this one out....

See if you can figure out what these seven words all have in common?

1. Banana
2. Dresser
3. Grammar
4. Potato
5. Revive
6. Uneven
7. Assess



Give it another try....
Look at each word carefully. You'll kick yourself when you discover the
Answer. This is so cool..... REMEMBER I ONLY SENT THIS TO MY SMART FRIENDS

NOW DON'T LET ME DOWN
No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters....

Answer is below!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Answer:

In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Did you figure it out?

Did I figure it out?
Nope!

from one of your "not so intelligent" friends

garym

Brilliant athletes...
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."


2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings.."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.." (Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton .."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January).

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,
Phillips responded: "Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye."

garym

The Carnival...
Joe took his blind date to the carnival.
"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
"I want to get weighed," she said.

They ambled over to the weight guesser.
He guessed 120 pounds.
She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over,
Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went.
Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Waura, it was wousy."

garym

Isish girl wins at Bingo...
A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London.

She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full length mink coat.

Begorrah, Colleen,' says her mother. 'Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearing an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?'

Colleen replies, 'Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London?'

When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mom a few months later. This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring. Same exchange with Mom; same 'I won it at bingo!'

Colleen returns to the bright lights again. A few months
later, she's back. This time she's sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings.
She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she
won it all in bingo. Then she asks Mom to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up.

When Colleen gets to the washroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub. Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, 'Mom! Now, didn't I ask you to run me
a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!'

'Indeed there is, me darlin,' replies her Mom. 'But we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?'

foxhd

garym said:

Isish girl wins at Bingo...
A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London.

She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full length mink coat.

Begorrah, Colleen,' says her mother. 'Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearing an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?'

Colleen replies, 'Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London?'

When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mom a few months later. This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring. Same exchange with Mom; same 'I won it at bingo!'

Colleen returns to the bright lights again. A few months
later, she's back. This time she's sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings.
She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she
won it all in bingo. Then she asks Mom to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up.

When Colleen gets to the washroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub. Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, 'Mom! Now, didn't I ask you to run me
a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!'

'Indeed there is, me darlin,' replies her Mom. 'But we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?'

Good ones!
Funny stuff Gary!

garym

No backseat...
A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.

"No!" yells the blonde.

Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.

"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"

The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"

garym

Ashes to ashes...
This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home, spreads them out on the picnic table outside, and starts talking to them.

"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."

Then she whispers, "You know that **** I promised you? Well, here it comes..."

Texas_wedge

garym said:

Ashes to ashes...
This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home, spreads them out on the picnic table outside, and starts talking to them.

"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."

Then she whispers, "You know that **** I promised you? Well, here it comes..."

Funnies galore!
Best Friday of the year so far Gary. It's spiced up even more by the CSN censoring algorithm. I could have predicted the promised ******* blowout but I must say I creased myself over its treatment of wrist-watch!!!

garym

Texas_wedge said:

Funnies galore!
Best Friday of the year so far Gary. It's spiced up even more by the CSN censoring algorithm. I could have predicted the promised ******* blowout but I must say I creased myself over its treatment of wrist-watch!!!

Censors : )
Yeah, it was a "blow" to my keep it clean ego when the censors did their "job" on that joke, but I don't understand the problem with the watch at all ; )

garym

The union boss...
A union boss walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obama’s victory when he sees a guy close by wearing a Romney for President button and two beers in front of him. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Republican."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union boss.

So the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union boss asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly **** does is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

Texas_wedge

garym said:

The union boss...
A union boss walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obama’s victory when he sees a guy close by wearing a Romney for President button and two beers in front of him. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Republican."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union boss.

So the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union boss asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly **** does is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

Union boss
So he was truly a re(al)publican all along!

pjune127

Made me laugh!


A farmer stopped by the local mechanics

shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he

waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a

bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store

and picked up a couple of chickens and a

goose.However, struggling outside the store he now had

a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was

scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who

told him she was lost.She asked, 'Can you tell me how

to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a

matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would

walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'The old

lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the

bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each

arm and carry the goose in your other hand?''Why

thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl

home. On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down

this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady

looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow

without a husband to defend me..How do I know that when we

get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up

my skirt, and have your way with me?'The farmer said,

'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two

chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly

hold you up against the wall and do that?'The old lady

replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the

paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the

chickens.

angec

pjune127 said:

Made me laugh!


A farmer stopped by the local mechanics

shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he

waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a

bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store

and picked up a couple of chickens and a

goose.However, struggling outside the store he now had

a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was

scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who

told him she was lost.She asked, 'Can you tell me how

to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a

matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would

walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'The old

lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the

bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each

arm and carry the goose in your other hand?''Why

thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl

home. On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down

this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady

looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow

without a husband to defend me..How do I know that when we

get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up

my skirt, and have your way with me?'The farmer said,

'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two

chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly

hold you up against the wall and do that?'The old lady

replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the

paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the

chickens.

Hysterical! I can't stop
Hysterical! I can't stop laughing...thanks Paula.. Mom will love this!

garym

pjune127 said:

Made me laugh!


A farmer stopped by the local mechanics

shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he

waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a

bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store

and picked up a couple of chickens and a

goose.However, struggling outside the store he now had

a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was

scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who

told him she was lost.She asked, 'Can you tell me how

to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a

matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would

walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'The old

lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the

bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each

arm and carry the goose in your other hand?''Why

thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl

home. On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down

this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady

looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow

without a husband to defend me..How do I know that when we

get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up

my skirt, and have your way with me?'The farmer said,

'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two

chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly

hold you up against the wall and do that?'The old lady

replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the

paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the

chickens.

GOOD ONE ; ) : ) : )
Paula,

Great to have back and feeling better, I'll be passing this one around for sure.

Texas_wedge

garym said:

GOOD ONE ; ) : ) : )
Paula,

Great to have back and feeling better, I'll be passing this one around for sure.

Here's to Paula!
With you Gary and Ange. I immediately sent it on to lots of friends. Brilliant testimony to the fact that we're having our Paula get back to the way we need her to be.

garym

Cabby goes to heaven...
A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.

Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."

The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!"

St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."