I'm having a hard time...
Comments
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Of Great Value IndeedRE said:You are of great value!!!
A failure is something you most certainly are not! You Mimi are a bright, beautiful young woman who like the rest of us has had her world thrown askew, you my dear are as normal as any of your friends you think are having pity for you. When you get these thoughts remember how hard you have fought to get where you are and know that this battle has made you a stronger, more sensitive soul. I in no way intend to imply that cancer is good for us because we come out of it with a greater sense of the value of our lives, but somehow we do see things much more clearly. Give it time Mimi you are all you were before and more, do not let cancer steal your happiness it does not deserve it. You are not the poor pathetic sick one, no one knows what secrets we each hold they have their problems as well so hold your head high in the knowledge that you are the strong, intelligent young woman who battled cancer and came out the other side with a host of pink pals who will rally at her side at any given moment you only need to only ask! Now all that said I totally agree with Judy, tell your doctor they may certainly be able to help you and of course who doesn't love a spa treatment!
Hugs,
RE
Ah, Mimi, right now you are not seeing yourself as you are. Read the words written to you here and at other times. Read some of the messages YOU have written over the last 8 months.
In them, you will see your true reflection.
You are beautiful (and remember, we have seen you with and without hair, in pjs as well as elegant gowns) and intimidatingly bright and knowledgeable. More than that, you are a kind and loving soul.
Hormones, sure, a drive for perfection, and the sheer wretchedness of having had cancer and the sometimes brutal treatment to beat it--all these and more are affecting your feelings and perceptions.
Definitely, tell your doctor how you are feeling, and "vent" as much as you want and need. A spa day sounds good, always. But, if you start to look down on yourself again, look to us instead. We know you, dear friend, kindred spirit, sister, bright star.0 -
Hi Mii
so sorry about your emotional "lows". Hopefully, you will be back to your positive and confident self again soon. And if not, never hesitate to post, vent. It does a mind good! If you think you are a failure, you should know we all think you are one of the winners. And as we all go through the upheavals the body puts us through, it has to hit our psyche a bit too right?
Your main goal to be healthy right now may have put others to the back for awhile, but that doesn't mean you have given up, just that you are waiting.
Hope you are better this afternoon.
Take care of yourself
=^..^=0 -
Hang in there Mimi
Mimi, Its strange but I have been thinking recently that you have not been posting much. I also was thinking that you look a little sad in your most recent photo. This bothered me because you always seemed so stong and positive.
I can understand your feelings. Chemo does do a number on your body and the hormones. Its such a shock to the system because its so sudden. It changes everything. Three years later and I am still not enjoying the things I loved before cancer. I am still dealing with the emotional aftermath of the whole horrible experience. And each blood draw, exam, and scan brings it all back. Today I had an MRI and I got a little panicky while they were having trouble getting my i.v. in because the same thing happened when I had an MRI a couple days after my tumor was found. It all came back and so did the sick feeling in my stomach.
I don't know what to do about it Mimi. I wish I could offer you some wise, wonderful words of wisdom. I think some people are able to get through cancer without letting it decimate them emotionally. I don't know. I know though for a lot of us, it can take a while to bounce back.
You are young as you said you will most likely come out of menopause and the transition could be causing your emotions to be troubled. I am not menopausal, but still seem to be "stuck", so who knows?
You are obviously very smart, talented, and outgoing. I just know you will come out of this funk and be even stronger for it. I have been very impressed and inspired by how you have been dealing with everything. You are in my thoughts, and please know I am rooting for you!
Let us know how you are feeling, ok? Eil0 -
So sorry Mimi you are downEil4186 said:Hang in there Mimi
Mimi, Its strange but I have been thinking recently that you have not been posting much. I also was thinking that you look a little sad in your most recent photo. This bothered me because you always seemed so stong and positive.
I can understand your feelings. Chemo does do a number on your body and the hormones. Its such a shock to the system because its so sudden. It changes everything. Three years later and I am still not enjoying the things I loved before cancer. I am still dealing with the emotional aftermath of the whole horrible experience. And each blood draw, exam, and scan brings it all back. Today I had an MRI and I got a little panicky while they were having trouble getting my i.v. in because the same thing happened when I had an MRI a couple days after my tumor was found. It all came back and so did the sick feeling in my stomach.
I don't know what to do about it Mimi. I wish I could offer you some wise, wonderful words of wisdom. I think some people are able to get through cancer without letting it decimate them emotionally. I don't know. I know though for a lot of us, it can take a while to bounce back.
You are young as you said you will most likely come out of menopause and the transition could be causing your emotions to be troubled. I am not menopausal, but still seem to be "stuck", so who knows?
You are obviously very smart, talented, and outgoing. I just know you will come out of this funk and be even stronger for it. I have been very impressed and inspired by how you have been dealing with everything. You are in my thoughts, and please know I am rooting for you!
Let us know how you are feeling, ok? Eil
Mimi, there isn't much else to say. Everyone has said what I might write. But, just know that you are a huge part of this board and I, for one, always look for your posts because you are so smart and so full of good information. And, isn't this your birthday weekend? I thought I read that somewhere. Is that bothering you too? I hope not. You are a young, beautiful woman with her whole future ahead of her. Hope to hear you are feeling better soon.
♠♣ Susie ♠♣0 -
Mimi
you're just going to have to give yourself time and everybody around you is going to have to give you time as well!
I know that I get tired of not having any energy and depression seems to hit more often then it had before my dx. And sometimes I've got to give myself little"pep talks". I think in some ways cancer and the treatments have changed me in negative ways and in some positive ways. Positively,I am more outspoken and climbed out of my shell more to do things I wouldn't have done before-I am finding some self esteem and using it in my volunteering for ACS and helping teach Sunday School to 11th and 12th graders(I was kind of intimidated by teenagers before,but I'm finding out now that I really enjoy them-maybe that is too because my husband and I don't have kids and don't have to be with them 24/7,I don't know!!).
A lot of people have said that we're living a new normal after being a survivor,maybe this is part of it?
You are a tough cookie! It's like what I told a fellow bc friend before-you can't have gone through cancer and be a weeny or just someone to be pitied! You're like my onc calls me sometimes-strong and brave! You and all my other sisters on here are to be admired! So you just remember that,Mimi-when you are feeling low and hormonal!!
Love,
Patty0 -
Mimi, I am sad to read thatJeanne D said:Mimi
I wish I had the magic words to write to you that would comfort you. But, I don't. All I can say Mimi is that this will pass. You will get thru this and move forward and be the wonderful, beautiful Mimi that we all know and love. I don't know why we all think that we have to be so strong and so perfect thru this, because that is not possible. We have to allow ourselves to be down, allow ourselves to be out of sorts, allow ourselves to be sad and angry. Look at what we are up against! Look at what we have put our poor bodies and minds thru! Mimi, you are one of the brightest stars on this forum. You will be shining bright again! Just allow yourself to be a little dim for a small amount of time and vent your feelings here. But, you will return and be that bright star again on this board. Don't be so hard on yourself. We will all be here for you!
Love, Jeanne ♥
Mimi, I am sad to read that you are feeling this way, but, it does happen. Fighting the beast is a hard job and sometimes we just can't be all happy and feeling good. I am glad that you came here to vent. Hope you feel better soon!
Hugs, Diane0 -
Oh, Mimi, I can't even
Oh, Mimi, I can't even imagine how it is to have cancer when you are young. There is so much more that you have been through than me. And you have met it with courage, strength, and while going through all this you have been here for everyone with solid advice, kind words and true caring. That sounds pretty perfect to me. And strong, smart, and stable. Yes, there are all the health issues to deal with but I know how hard you work at your health, exercise, and all the other stuff. You need to step back and look at your life through the same eyes that you view other's lives. Be kinder to yourself. This is a tough journey and it does have so many ups and downs, highs and lows. And it is very likely that hormone levels are changing and that would warrant a call to your doctor. This is a safe place to vent and I know that you will bounce back but sometimes we do need to just say that life is sucking the big one right now. As far as friends pitying you and being glad they aren't you, that could be true but then they have their own set of problems to deal with. I have friends with better health but I wouldn't be them with their family issues or job problems for anything.
I always thought that I would like to buy old dishes and take them out to a big metal (has to be metal) garbage can and just throw them into it while yelling at the top of my lungs, maybe even swearing too. Love the crashy bangy sounds. It seems like it would be so soothing. Instead I get in the shower and cry while the water washes down my face. Then I can pretend I am not really crying, it just shower water. But most of the time, I try to look at all that I have that is good.
Just know we are all here for you, it's okay to cry and vent and rant and rave, and that we so care for you. This too, shall pass.
Stef0 -
You my dear sweet Mimi,
You my dear sweet Mimi, hormones or no hormones..........you....... are delusional right now. You are not seeing yourself correctly
nor giving yourself the love and compassion that you so often offer others. After what you've been through why should you
have to live up to standards that you don't expect others to do?? Having said that I know what you mean cause I do the same,
but it's wrong!!! Step outside yourself and look at yourself as you would anyone having gone through this experience
and then tell us what you see. A beautiful, intelligent women who's just had her a*ss kicked by a life threatening disease
who wonders why she can't be perfect when she's just barely out of tx. Going through chemopause (which is enough of a
challenge for those of us who did it naturally). Hmmmmmmmmmm!!!! Lets think about this. I fully know what you're talking
about but I'm NOT going to let you stay there
Big Hugs
jan0 -
Mimi....
Can't add much more than anyone has already said except that my thoughts and prayers are with you as you go through this difficult time.
Love and Light,
Vicki0 -
Hi Mimiphoenixrising said:You my dear sweet Mimi,
You my dear sweet Mimi, hormones or no hormones..........you....... are delusional right now. You are not seeing yourself correctly
nor giving yourself the love and compassion that you so often offer others. After what you've been through why should you
have to live up to standards that you don't expect others to do?? Having said that I know what you mean cause I do the same,
but it's wrong!!! Step outside yourself and look at yourself as you would anyone having gone through this experience
and then tell us what you see. A beautiful, intelligent women who's just had her a*ss kicked by a life threatening disease
who wonders why she can't be perfect when she's just barely out of tx. Going through chemopause (which is enough of a
challenge for those of us who did it naturally). Hmmmmmmmmmm!!!! Lets think about this. I fully know what you're talking
about but I'm NOT going to let you stay there
Big Hugs
jan
Sorry I am late responding to this post. I also tend to be a little perfectionistic and tired myself out to the Max yesterday. I have been working part-time in restorative but I foolishly thought I could work a full shift (all day running) as a CNA. I did it but when I got home I paid the price...and was also depressed because I was not back to where I used to be. I am also anemic and low on Vitamin D. What I'm trying to say is I know how you feel. It seems we will never get back to ourselves again.
I toally agree with what all of our sisters have said. You are strong, intellegent, beautful, caring and have helped me so much since we found our way here to the boards.
I know you will comeout of this funk even stronger and your desire for film-making will return. You have such a zest for life, and this will pass.
I do agree with Judy also, The hormonal and vitamin deficiencies could be knocking usboth down. I know you will check with your Dr. for things to help this, as I will also. Maybe an injection of Vit. D to boost it right away?
I am thinking of you and thanking you for being my friend always.
Love, Jackie0 -
HeyReikigemgirl said:Mimi....
Can't add much more than anyone has already said except that my thoughts and prayers are with you as you go through this difficult time.
Love and Light,
Vicki
How is your day going today??? I hope you got lots of good rest and did something special foryourself!!! I did notice that you posted some yesterday so I'm hoping that means you are feeling better!!! As you know my hormones were also not being nice to me either yesterday...
Post and let us know how your are today...
HUGZ...Calleen0 -
Incredibly touched
I cannot tell you how much your posts -- each and every one -- have helped me. You guys are absolutely right, I was not being kind to myself. I had unrealistic expecations to be back to normal, whatever that is, right away. I wanted to be pefect, and let's face it, no one is, so why torture yourself about it? I'm going to take things slower from now on and stop laying tons of guilt and angst on myself. And the thing about friends pitying me? Well, I made that up. In my own mind, that is what people were thinking. Not one of my friends has ever acted like that. I just worked myself up into a tizzy, and it has to stop here. My friends, you have helped me to see things more clearly and I'm so very, very grateful. I read all of your posts multiple times last night and this moring. They have given me strength. Strength to carry on, to continue with my healthy eating and exercise despite the fact that I am imperfect about it, to be gentle with myself.
Please look for my Roll Call thread later today!
I LOVE you all
Mimi0 -
Yes!!!!!!!!!! She'smimivac said:Incredibly touched
I cannot tell you how much your posts -- each and every one -- have helped me. You guys are absolutely right, I was not being kind to myself. I had unrealistic expecations to be back to normal, whatever that is, right away. I wanted to be pefect, and let's face it, no one is, so why torture yourself about it? I'm going to take things slower from now on and stop laying tons of guilt and angst on myself. And the thing about friends pitying me? Well, I made that up. In my own mind, that is what people were thinking. Not one of my friends has ever acted like that. I just worked myself up into a tizzy, and it has to stop here. My friends, you have helped me to see things more clearly and I'm so very, very grateful. I read all of your posts multiple times last night and this moring. They have given me strength. Strength to carry on, to continue with my healthy eating and exercise despite the fact that I am imperfect about it, to be gentle with myself.
Please look for my Roll Call thread later today!
I LOVE you all
Mimi
Yes!!!!!!!!!! She's back..... We get a Mimi Roll Call Thread... the one we all look forward to with much anticipation.... yeah... doing a slow happy dance...sorry Mimi can't do a fast one... boobie is sore today...but I'm dancing just the same... I am glad that you are on the road to being kinder to yourself.... you my friend deserve nothing less!!!
♥ with loads of hugs,
~T0 -
☻Mimi is back!☺mimivac said:Incredibly touched
I cannot tell you how much your posts -- each and every one -- have helped me. You guys are absolutely right, I was not being kind to myself. I had unrealistic expecations to be back to normal, whatever that is, right away. I wanted to be pefect, and let's face it, no one is, so why torture yourself about it? I'm going to take things slower from now on and stop laying tons of guilt and angst on myself. And the thing about friends pitying me? Well, I made that up. In my own mind, that is what people were thinking. Not one of my friends has ever acted like that. I just worked myself up into a tizzy, and it has to stop here. My friends, you have helped me to see things more clearly and I'm so very, very grateful. I read all of your posts multiple times last night and this moring. They have given me strength. Strength to carry on, to continue with my healthy eating and exercise despite the fact that I am imperfect about it, to be gentle with myself.
Please look for my Roll Call thread later today!
I LOVE you all
Mimi
It is so good to read that you are feeling better today Mimi. It is ok to be in a funk once in awhile. But, we just won't let you stay in it. Ok? Deal? Looking forward to your Roll Call thread! Miss it! ♪ And, Happy Birthday Mimi! ♪
Love, Jeanne ♥0 -
Sorry, darn double posting!mimivac said:Incredibly touched
I cannot tell you how much your posts -- each and every one -- have helped me. You guys are absolutely right, I was not being kind to myself. I had unrealistic expecations to be back to normal, whatever that is, right away. I wanted to be pefect, and let's face it, no one is, so why torture yourself about it? I'm going to take things slower from now on and stop laying tons of guilt and angst on myself. And the thing about friends pitying me? Well, I made that up. In my own mind, that is what people were thinking. Not one of my friends has ever acted like that. I just worked myself up into a tizzy, and it has to stop here. My friends, you have helped me to see things more clearly and I'm so very, very grateful. I read all of your posts multiple times last night and this moring. They have given me strength. Strength to carry on, to continue with my healthy eating and exercise despite the fact that I am imperfect about it, to be gentle with myself.
Please look for my Roll Call thread later today!
I LOVE you all
Mimi
Sorry, darn double posting! grrrrrrr0 -
Chimming in a bit late...
But, I'm sending good thoughts!
I find that if I remember how much I went through, and that MANY people COULDN'T handle a serious illness, then I become my own hero!!!!
But, almost 5 years post-dx do I have my moments? Of course!!!!!! Just like feeling sorry for myself that I must start completely over with golf...lol...my body is so different...BUT, I have a set of clubs here in the Netherlands, and a BIG back yard, complete with cow pooh for hazards...lol...NEVER hit a ball into the middle of one of those...can we say 'ball washer, please?'.
I'm glad that as I read farther, I found my friend Mimi to be bouncing back. We all love you, dearheart!
Hugs, Kathi0 -
Hi Mimi! Glad you aremimivac said:Incredibly touched
I cannot tell you how much your posts -- each and every one -- have helped me. You guys are absolutely right, I was not being kind to myself. I had unrealistic expecations to be back to normal, whatever that is, right away. I wanted to be pefect, and let's face it, no one is, so why torture yourself about it? I'm going to take things slower from now on and stop laying tons of guilt and angst on myself. And the thing about friends pitying me? Well, I made that up. In my own mind, that is what people were thinking. Not one of my friends has ever acted like that. I just worked myself up into a tizzy, and it has to stop here. My friends, you have helped me to see things more clearly and I'm so very, very grateful. I read all of your posts multiple times last night and this moring. They have given me strength. Strength to carry on, to continue with my healthy eating and exercise despite the fact that I am imperfect about it, to be gentle with myself.
Please look for my Roll Call thread later today!
I LOVE you all
Mimi
Hi Mimi! Glad you are feeling better! Where is your Roll Call thread? We miss it
Hugs, Lex0 -
Kathi,KathiM said:Chimming in a bit late...
But, I'm sending good thoughts!
I find that if I remember how much I went through, and that MANY people COULDN'T handle a serious illness, then I become my own hero!!!!
But, almost 5 years post-dx do I have my moments? Of course!!!!!! Just like feeling sorry for myself that I must start completely over with golf...lol...my body is so different...BUT, I have a set of clubs here in the Netherlands, and a BIG back yard, complete with cow pooh for hazards...lol...NEVER hit a ball into the middle of one of those...can we say 'ball washer, please?'.
I'm glad that as I read farther, I found my friend Mimi to be bouncing back. We all love you, dearheart!
Hugs, Kathi
Good to see you post.
Kathi,
Good to see you post. You are missed but know that you are having a wonderful time. Cow patty golf, that is a challenge. And yes, you are right with what you have been through you are a hero. ANd we all are too. We just have to recognize it in ourselves. Good for you being able to see that is exactly what you are, to us and to yourself.
Stef0 -
All you need for anKathiM said:Chimming in a bit late...
But, I'm sending good thoughts!
I find that if I remember how much I went through, and that MANY people COULDN'T handle a serious illness, then I become my own hero!!!!
But, almost 5 years post-dx do I have my moments? Of course!!!!!! Just like feeling sorry for myself that I must start completely over with golf...lol...my body is so different...BUT, I have a set of clubs here in the Netherlands, and a BIG back yard, complete with cow pooh for hazards...lol...NEVER hit a ball into the middle of one of those...can we say 'ball washer, please?'.
I'm glad that as I read farther, I found my friend Mimi to be bouncing back. We all love you, dearheart!
Hugs, Kathi
All you need for an automatic ball washer is a dog. If you don't know what I mean, well, my lips are sealed. (they like to mark territory that another animal has you-know-what on)0 -
Hi, Mimi...
I believe the vast majority of us - if not all - endure what you've been feeling. It's been likened to "post-traumatic stress disorder" by some. Hits us after all invasive treatment has been completed.
You will get to where you want to be, Mimi. I know you will. It often takes a good chunk of time to really figure out that Life After Cancer/New Normal thing...
Best advice I can share, for whatever it might be worth as a longer-termer: try not to be too hard on yourself at this moment. We women have a knack for that, unfortunately!
Kind regards, Susan
P.S.: Your new pic = very pretty! :-)0
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