I'm having a hard time...

mimivac
mimivac Member Posts: 2,143
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
It's hard for me to write this because it makes me feel like such a failure. I've been having a hard time coping lately, and it's why I haven't been posting much. I'm pretty sure my hormones are out of whack and that I may be about to emerge from chemo-induced menopause. This has made me extremely emotionally unstable. I'm very angry, at times. I imagine that my friends now pity me and feel that as bad as their lives can be, at least they're not me -- the poor, pathetic, sick one. I wish that no one knew about my breast cancer. There are many things that I fall short of: I wish I were perfect with my diet and exercise; I wish I would re-start my passion for filmmaking; I wish I could be happy and content the majority of the time. But I'm not. I feel that I'm on the outside of life looking in at all the happy people and unable to join. I have always been a perfectionist and this disease has really augmented those tendencies. I want many things. I want to be strong, fulfilled, happy, stable, smart, productive, healthy, consistent, and content. I am far from there.

Ok, that made me feel better. I really just wanted to get it out and knew this was a safe place to vent. Thank you.

Mimi
«13

Comments

  • taleena
    taleena Member Posts: 1,612 Member
    Ohhhh Mimi.... well... we
    Ohhhh Mimi.... well... we are here, vent and dump away! I am so sorry you are struggling right now. Just remember these are feelings, and they change, sometimes minute to minute and other times, day by day. You have a right to these feelings, you have been through so much, and kicking the beast in the arse is no small feat...I don't think people understand it isn't just the physical toll that it takes out of a person, it takes it's toll emotionally, and mentally as well... but here is what I know, You will get back to that passionate person.. she's there inside you, and I know that she will emerge victorious, and better than ever! And on a side note.... There isn't a loser bone in your body!! No way... No how!!

    ♥ and lots of hugs to you my friend...

    ~T
  • prv
    prv Member Posts: 107
    taleena said:

    Ohhhh Mimi.... well... we
    Ohhhh Mimi.... well... we are here, vent and dump away! I am so sorry you are struggling right now. Just remember these are feelings, and they change, sometimes minute to minute and other times, day by day. You have a right to these feelings, you have been through so much, and kicking the beast in the arse is no small feat...I don't think people understand it isn't just the physical toll that it takes out of a person, it takes it's toll emotionally, and mentally as well... but here is what I know, You will get back to that passionate person.. she's there inside you, and I know that she will emerge victorious, and better than ever! And on a side note.... There isn't a loser bone in your body!! No way... No how!!

    ♥ and lots of hugs to you my friend...

    ~T

    mimi
    venting is good!I think you are very strong.
  • lolad
    lolad Member Posts: 670
    You are not alone
    I know exactly how you feel. My feelings are so much the same and that is why that i havent been posting lately. To me that must mean that our feelings are normal to feel this way. I hope that you get to feeling better and thank you for posting how you feel. It helped me to know that im not alone and i hope you feel now that you arent alone as well. Take care and i hope you get to feeling better.

    laura
  • Marcia527
    Marcia527 Member Posts: 2,729
    Ah Mimi, I'm sorry. I always
    Ah Mimi, I'm sorry. I always view you as a very upbeat, take charge, type of person. I didn't know you were down right now. We all have those times. When I get like that I don't feel like posting either. Wish I could wave the magic wand and make everything right. This feeling will pass and you will be all the things you want to be again. Hugs.
  • Jeanne D
    Jeanne D Member Posts: 1,867
    Marcia527 said:

    Ah Mimi, I'm sorry. I always
    Ah Mimi, I'm sorry. I always view you as a very upbeat, take charge, type of person. I didn't know you were down right now. We all have those times. When I get like that I don't feel like posting either. Wish I could wave the magic wand and make everything right. This feeling will pass and you will be all the things you want to be again. Hugs.

    Mimi
    I wish I had the magic words to write to you that would comfort you. But, I don't. All I can say Mimi is that this will pass. You will get thru this and move forward and be the wonderful, beautiful Mimi that we all know and love. I don't know why we all think that we have to be so strong and so perfect thru this, because that is not possible. We have to allow ourselves to be down, allow ourselves to be out of sorts, allow ourselves to be sad and angry. Look at what we are up against! Look at what we have put our poor bodies and minds thru! Mimi, you are one of the brightest stars on this forum. You will be shining bright again! Just allow yourself to be a little dim for a small amount of time and vent your feelings here. But, you will return and be that bright star again on this board. Don't be so hard on yourself. We will all be here for you!

    Love, Jeanne ♥
  • Calleen
    Calleen Member Posts: 411
    Marcia527 said:

    Ah Mimi, I'm sorry. I always
    Ah Mimi, I'm sorry. I always view you as a very upbeat, take charge, type of person. I didn't know you were down right now. We all have those times. When I get like that I don't feel like posting either. Wish I could wave the magic wand and make everything right. This feeling will pass and you will be all the things you want to be again. Hugs.

    Mimi
    It must be going around because you said just what I have been feeling too... I've been an emotional wreck the last few days and can't seem to shake it either... Maybe all us emotional gals should get together with a giant box of kleenex and some ice cream and just let it all out...

    I do hope you feel better soon!!! I hope you spend the next few days or however long it takes to be good to yourself!!! Have you been to a support group meeting yet??? My first one is tonight... I'm looking forward to sharing what happens with my Sisters... the Topic??? "What to do about well meaning friends"

    HUGZ... Calleen
  • Alexis F
    Alexis F Member Posts: 3,598
    Calleen said:

    Mimi
    It must be going around because you said just what I have been feeling too... I've been an emotional wreck the last few days and can't seem to shake it either... Maybe all us emotional gals should get together with a giant box of kleenex and some ice cream and just let it all out...

    I do hope you feel better soon!!! I hope you spend the next few days or however long it takes to be good to yourself!!! Have you been to a support group meeting yet??? My first one is tonight... I'm looking forward to sharing what happens with my Sisters... the Topic??? "What to do about well meaning friends"

    HUGZ... Calleen

    I am so sorry Mimi. You
    I am so sorry Mimi. You vent here all you want. I hope that you feel better soon.

    ♥Hugs Lex♥
  • meena1
    meena1 Member Posts: 1,003
    Mimi
    It is perfectly normal to have this meltdown, I finished my treatment in May, however, I still go in for zometa monthly. It was so overwhelming at first, but you will get through this, and move on to a new "normal". I am sending positive vibes your way.
  • creampuff91344
    creampuff91344 Member Posts: 988
    Alexis F said:

    I am so sorry Mimi. You
    I am so sorry Mimi. You vent here all you want. I hope that you feel better soon.

    ♥Hugs Lex♥

    Hey Mimi...After returning
    Hey Mimi...After returning from our two week vacation I have wondered why I couldn't find posts from you. Yours is always the first ones I read when I have missed a few days, and you were truly missed when I returned. The dulldrums are typical after completing all tx, especially the first two months following the end of rads. My onc told me that my body was trying to "zap back" to its normal potential, and the tx had put it into a state of not knowing what to do from day to day. Some checks in your blood levels could lead to an explanation of why you are down right now. Vitamin D3 was my culprit, and after getting on a regimine of a good D3 my body started responding. Maybe a call to your onc and a visit to have blood work done is something you need. Also, if you are taking any kind of meds, these will affect your moods. (I think they don't have you on an AI or Tamoxifen because you were ER negative). Any kind of sleeping aid, pain med, etc can cause depression, and can account for your mood. Enough rambling, but at least give these things some thought. We are all in your corner, and venting sometimes is just what you need to get back on track. Also, a good spa day wouldn't hurt. I am sending all my positive thoughts your way, as I am sure are many others. You are an inspiration, and deserve to be listened to whenever you have a need. Chin up, my girl....you are a winner, and things will get better. Hugs

    Judy
  • RE
    RE Member Posts: 4,591 Member
    You are of great value!!!
    A failure is something you most certainly are not! You Mimi are a bright, beautiful young woman who like the rest of us has had her world thrown askew, you my dear are as normal as any of your friends you think are having pity for you. When you get these thoughts remember how hard you have fought to get where you are and know that this battle has made you a stronger, more sensitive soul. I in no way intend to imply that cancer is good for us because we come out of it with a greater sense of the value of our lives, but somehow we do see things much more clearly. Give it time Mimi you are all you were before and more, do not let cancer steal your happiness it does not deserve it. You are not the poor pathetic sick one, no one knows what secrets we each hold they have their problems as well so hold your head high in the knowledge that you are the strong, intelligent young woman who battled cancer and came out the other side with a host of pink pals who will rally at her side at any given moment you only need to only ask! Now all that said I totally agree with Judy, tell your doctor they may certainly be able to help you and of course who doesn't love a spa treatment!

    Hugs,

    RE
  • mimivac
    mimivac Member Posts: 2,143
    RE said:

    You are of great value!!!
    A failure is something you most certainly are not! You Mimi are a bright, beautiful young woman who like the rest of us has had her world thrown askew, you my dear are as normal as any of your friends you think are having pity for you. When you get these thoughts remember how hard you have fought to get where you are and know that this battle has made you a stronger, more sensitive soul. I in no way intend to imply that cancer is good for us because we come out of it with a greater sense of the value of our lives, but somehow we do see things much more clearly. Give it time Mimi you are all you were before and more, do not let cancer steal your happiness it does not deserve it. You are not the poor pathetic sick one, no one knows what secrets we each hold they have their problems as well so hold your head high in the knowledge that you are the strong, intelligent young woman who battled cancer and came out the other side with a host of pink pals who will rally at her side at any given moment you only need to only ask! Now all that said I totally agree with Judy, tell your doctor they may certainly be able to help you and of course who doesn't love a spa treatment!

    Hugs,

    RE

    Thank you all
    It is very, very nice to know that you are all behind me and also feel lost sometimes. I just want to be me again, you know? In fact, I want to be better than me. I want to be the energetic person who gets things done and is peaceful and happy in the process. I would like to savor life again. Anyway, Taleena you are right, emotions change. I am slowly working my way out of this hole, thanks to you guys!

    Mimi
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    Safe Places
    Oh yes, getting it out in a safe place is truly cathardic, isn't it? And, as a woman writing to other women, I couldn't help but notice that you didn't ask any of us to FIX IT...you just needed to put it out there! I think that's also the beauty of these baords, it is for me anyway. The actual thinking of what I want to say, the time spent in that endeavor, the preview and finally the Post..it is a time consuming and thoughtful process which is helpful to me in and of itself. And you seem much the same.

    What we don't have in common is perfectionism! My Ex was...I think I was his one concession to what otherwise was an almost rigid life-sytle! He kept me grounded, I kept him amused!

    It was interesting that you mention being angry. Of course I am ALWAYS ""stronger than and not angry at!" ( you believe that, right??I wish, I wish, I wish) What tended to make me angry was the complaints of those untouched by cancer. I was angry that they hated their haircuts, or that they whined about the most trivial things. It didn't take too long for me to realize that I wasn't really angry...I was JEALOUS. I wanted smudged nail polish to equal the worst day ever. Or the cable going out, or losing my car in the mall parking lot. The things that "those people" were b.itching about. And funny thing...when I had that ephiphany, I was able to settle down, emotionally. Most of the time.

    So, vent, whine, moan and b.itch as the need arises~ you will get to do the things you want in due time. Baby steps count; no one runs a marathon on Friday when they only thought about it on Thursday.

    Love you!

    Hugs,
    Chen♥
  • jnl
    jnl Member Posts: 3,869 Member
    chenheart said:

    Safe Places
    Oh yes, getting it out in a safe place is truly cathardic, isn't it? And, as a woman writing to other women, I couldn't help but notice that you didn't ask any of us to FIX IT...you just needed to put it out there! I think that's also the beauty of these baords, it is for me anyway. The actual thinking of what I want to say, the time spent in that endeavor, the preview and finally the Post..it is a time consuming and thoughtful process which is helpful to me in and of itself. And you seem much the same.

    What we don't have in common is perfectionism! My Ex was...I think I was his one concession to what otherwise was an almost rigid life-sytle! He kept me grounded, I kept him amused!

    It was interesting that you mention being angry. Of course I am ALWAYS ""stronger than and not angry at!" ( you believe that, right??I wish, I wish, I wish) What tended to make me angry was the complaints of those untouched by cancer. I was angry that they hated their haircuts, or that they whined about the most trivial things. It didn't take too long for me to realize that I wasn't really angry...I was JEALOUS. I wanted smudged nail polish to equal the worst day ever. Or the cable going out, or losing my car in the mall parking lot. The things that "those people" were b.itching about. And funny thing...when I had that ephiphany, I was able to settle down, emotionally. Most of the time.

    So, vent, whine, moan and b.itch as the need arises~ you will get to do the things you want in due time. Baby steps count; no one runs a marathon on Friday when they only thought about it on Thursday.

    Love you!

    Hugs,
    Chen♥

    Sorry Mimi that you are
    Sorry Mimi that you are having these feelings. I don't think any of us can go back to the way we were before bc, can we? But, we can be better and stronger. It just takes some time after the treatments are done I think.

    Hugs, Leeza
  • mimivac
    mimivac Member Posts: 2,143

    Hey Mimi...After returning
    Hey Mimi...After returning from our two week vacation I have wondered why I couldn't find posts from you. Yours is always the first ones I read when I have missed a few days, and you were truly missed when I returned. The dulldrums are typical after completing all tx, especially the first two months following the end of rads. My onc told me that my body was trying to "zap back" to its normal potential, and the tx had put it into a state of not knowing what to do from day to day. Some checks in your blood levels could lead to an explanation of why you are down right now. Vitamin D3 was my culprit, and after getting on a regimine of a good D3 my body started responding. Maybe a call to your onc and a visit to have blood work done is something you need. Also, if you are taking any kind of meds, these will affect your moods. (I think they don't have you on an AI or Tamoxifen because you were ER negative). Any kind of sleeping aid, pain med, etc can cause depression, and can account for your mood. Enough rambling, but at least give these things some thought. We are all in your corner, and venting sometimes is just what you need to get back on track. Also, a good spa day wouldn't hurt. I am sending all my positive thoughts your way, as I am sure are many others. You are an inspiration, and deserve to be listened to whenever you have a need. Chin up, my girl....you are a winner, and things will get better. Hugs

    Judy

    Vitamin D
    Judy, I do have a Vitamin D insufficiency. I am on over-the-counter supplements now, but my onc. will prescribe a high-dose prescription for me next week. I hope my body responds as well!
  • Kylez
    Kylez Member Posts: 3,761 Member
    meena1 said:

    Mimi
    It is perfectly normal to have this meltdown, I finished my treatment in May, however, I still go in for zometa monthly. It was so overwhelming at first, but you will get through this, and move on to a new "normal". I am sending positive vibes your way.

    I think it is very normal to
    I think it is very normal to feel the way you do. It could be your hormones, or, it could just be all of your emotions finally coming to the surface. You will get better and feel happier. Sending you lots of postive thoughts and hugs!
  • VickiSam
    VickiSam Member Posts: 9,079 Member
    Thank you for sharing your heart and soul
    Mimi -

    Looking at your photo, I see nothing that saids failure. From what I can tell by your photo is that YOU are a loving, caring and emotinally STABLE women.

    You've have 999 posts since joining - December 2008. Considerate, stong willed, productive and consistent is what I pegged you as.

    Homones are wicked .. I've been on and off of them for 20 plus, as I experience thyroid cancer at very young age of 20. Because I do not have a thyroid, my body does not produce the HGC homone on its own, 6 out of my 7 pregnancies end in miscarriage. After 1 live birth, a premie .. I endured 6 rounds of IVF trying to conceive again, not luck. Homones are wicked. I get have my boy, and adopted a girl from Russia .. many years ago. Dreams do come true. And they will for you, my friend.

    I have a premonition .. YOU will become a ground breaking filmmaker, many of your films will have untones of personal struggles. You will make it to Sundance and all your sisters from this website will be with you to celebrate.

    Time is our Friend, anxiety & fear are our enemy.

    My new name for you ... "The enforcer" : compelled, obedience in goals and effective in executing a plan from start to finish.

    Hugs from Corona,

    Vicki
  • sausageroll
    sausageroll Member Posts: 415
    VickiSam said:

    Thank you for sharing your heart and soul
    Mimi -

    Looking at your photo, I see nothing that saids failure. From what I can tell by your photo is that YOU are a loving, caring and emotinally STABLE women.

    You've have 999 posts since joining - December 2008. Considerate, stong willed, productive and consistent is what I pegged you as.

    Homones are wicked .. I've been on and off of them for 20 plus, as I experience thyroid cancer at very young age of 20. Because I do not have a thyroid, my body does not produce the HGC homone on its own, 6 out of my 7 pregnancies end in miscarriage. After 1 live birth, a premie .. I endured 6 rounds of IVF trying to conceive again, not luck. Homones are wicked. I get have my boy, and adopted a girl from Russia .. many years ago. Dreams do come true. And they will for you, my friend.

    I have a premonition .. YOU will become a ground breaking filmmaker, many of your films will have untones of personal struggles. You will make it to Sundance and all your sisters from this website will be with you to celebrate.

    Time is our Friend, anxiety & fear are our enemy.

    My new name for you ... "The enforcer" : compelled, obedience in goals and effective in executing a plan from start to finish.

    Hugs from Corona,

    Vicki

    I had missed you!
    So sorry Mimi that you are feeling like this. I don't think it is unusual at all, but as you are well aware that doesn't mean you should not discuss it with your oncologist.

    I have never had trouble with depression or even feeling down..but there are mornings when I just don't want to start the day. I personally think chemo is the reason.

    I take industrial amounts of Vitamin D from my Diabetes doctor..butit has been shown that low vitamin D levels are very important to breast cancer. Many tests have also shown that men should be taking 1,000 units a day to ward off prostrate cancer,heart disease and depression..so maybe the larger amounts of vitamin D will help your feelings.

    I am thinking of you. I remember we started this trip about the same time and I have felt a little down lately..so maybe it's just another track along the road to being healthy.
  • chickad52
    chickad52 Member Posts: 497
    MiMI
    I'm sure that you do feel better. Keep venting, we will all be here to listen!! Hugs, Diane
  • Kat11
    Kat11 Member Posts: 1,931 Member
    chickad52 said:

    MiMI
    I'm sure that you do feel better. Keep venting, we will all be here to listen!! Hugs, Diane

    MiMi sorry you are feeling
    MiMi sorry you are feeling so bad, This to will pass, Venting is good, Just hang in there and you know we are here for you.
  • mlmjt1
    mlmjt1 Member Posts: 537
    Hey Mimi
    LIfe certainly is a journey isnt it? I remember having all those feelings even before I was diagnosed wishing I could be content most of the time, expecting so much more from myself. I think we women tend to do that...and with this cancer diagnosis we forget just how much we have been thru and battled and how much stronger that has made us.

    I am so glad you felt that you could vent a little. I am relatively new to the board but I see you as someone so very strong and together. YOu are always there for all of us it is nice to be able to be there for you.

    I have always felt better with exercise, walking the dog with a neighbor, biking or when I was able I would jog. Exercise really can get the endorphins going and make you feel better...a good day at the spa wouldnt hurt either.

    REmember...vent away

    Hugs
    Linda T