I am so dissapointed in my family

rjjj

And i don't mean my family as in my hubby or my kids.. I am talking about my 3 sisters my 81 year old dad. I was the oldest and took care of them all... I was only 25 when my mom died but i was her care-giver. My Dad had to work to pay the bills ( i guess that is understandable) but i was the one taking her to each apt. and her sole care giver, i informed the family of each new problem and tried to handle it all.. driving her when my tummy wouldn't even fit behind the steering wheel, I was 9 mo.'s pregnant with my son Jase.

Anyway today my youngest sister called I have heard from her shortly once since I had my diagnosis. She carried on bitching about a fight that she had with her boyfriend/father to her child.. on and on.. Blah Blah Blah!! Not a question about me.. she is burned out at her job takiing care of old people (which I do as well) and can't take another demand (Blah Blah) She feels trapped in her life.. this is when i said I feel trapped too, and something is burning on the stove! gotta go. well my family NEVER calls me and expects that i will call them, They don't even know I am going to Rads or what that means.. I am very hurt and sick and tired of holding everyone up! Isn't it time they cared for me??? well they say you can pick your nose and pick your friends but you can't pick your family!! Don't get me wrong I love them all much but.....oh well I am done trying.
Anyone else experiencing this?
I love you all, Jackie

cats_toy

too true about family
Jackie, I know very well what you mean.
My sister (who works with me, so she saw every single thing I went through). from the beginning when I told her I was diagnosed. her response was "oh great and I have my mammo scheduled this week. Then she told me how someone was complaining about their life, and she said what about me? (her) my dad died, my mom had cancer, my sister has cancer...I just stood and stared with my mouth open. I never heard from my brother at all, the only time I spoke with him, was because my mom handed me the phone when he called her. He just kept telling me what not to eat so I don't get it again, I said thanks, but I never ate that stuff to begin with and here I am!" Go figure, I love my family to pieces, but sometimes.....
They don't know how to deal with the strong one (that was me too) getting someting like this, and I think it throws them. All I can say is........hmm. nothing. sorry
=^..^=

rjjj

cats_toy said:

too true about family
Jackie, I know very well what you mean.
My sister (who works with me, so she saw every single thing I went through). from the beginning when I told her I was diagnosed. her response was "oh great and I have my mammo scheduled this week. Then she told me how someone was complaining about their life, and she said what about me? (her) my dad died, my mom had cancer, my sister has cancer...I just stood and stared with my mouth open. I never heard from my brother at all, the only time I spoke with him, was because my mom handed me the phone when he called her. He just kept telling me what not to eat so I don't get it again, I said thanks, but I never ate that stuff to begin with and here I am!" Go figure, I love my family to pieces, but sometimes.....
They don't know how to deal with the strong one (that was me too) getting someting like this, and I think it throws them. All I can say is........hmm. nothing. sorry
=^..^=

just don't get it!
Some people need to be hit on the head by a 4x4 before they get it!! love, jackie

phoenixrising

It is time they cared for
It is time they cared for you but old habits may be hard to break. If all they've ever had to think about is themselves then that's probably all they're going to think about. Some people are born considerate and some learn it along the way but a great majority of people are really quite self centered and unfortunately sometimes they are our family. I do know how it can hurt. What I've been trying to do is feed that which bears fruit. No more one way street when it comes to relationships. But I can tell you that is hard to do with family cause we love them still. I hope at least one of them does something special for you soon to turn this around.
hugs
jan

Kat11

Hi, I have not experienced
Hi, I have not experienced this with family, but I have with someone who claims to be a friend. A chidhood friend. I did not tell her I was diagnosed. Yesterday we were both at a Birthday party and another friend of mine blurts out about me being sick. So this friend who I did not tell starts to cry and leaves the room. So I was feeling terrible and I went to talk to her and she was crying on her boyfriens shoulder. I told her I did not mean for anyone to get hurt. Then her boyfriend who is also a friend of mine says to me " What the hell, this is the way we find out" and she is still crying. I said once again that I was sorry. Then I got to thinking, this was not about me this was about her. All the pointless drama. They never asked me, How I felt, what was nexted, how bad is it, nothing at all, but there upset I did not tell them. Now I know why I did not tell them. No you can't pick your family, but I am sure your sister really does care, it's that everyone is use to you being the caregiver.
Kathy

Aortus

rjjj said:

just don't get it!
Some people need to be hit on the head by a 4x4 before they get it!! love, jackie

And sometimes even then they don't get it!
Jackie, I am so sorry to hear about your clueless younger sister. Both Moopy and I have baby sisters who frequently drop off the face of the earth for long periods of time (both are single working moms), but when they actually do make contact, they are always concerned about Moopy and want to know how she is doing physically and emotionally.

There will be a time in the not-so-far future when you will be up and about and adjusting to your new normal and enjoying your Life After Cancer and your poor little sister will still be (if you'll pardon my French) a self-absorbed little twit who wonders why you aren't tripping over yourself to get in touch with her.

djteach

Kat11 said:

Hi, I have not experienced
Hi, I have not experienced this with family, but I have with someone who claims to be a friend. A chidhood friend. I did not tell her I was diagnosed. Yesterday we were both at a Birthday party and another friend of mine blurts out about me being sick. So this friend who I did not tell starts to cry and leaves the room. So I was feeling terrible and I went to talk to her and she was crying on her boyfriens shoulder. I told her I did not mean for anyone to get hurt. Then her boyfriend who is also a friend of mine says to me " What the hell, this is the way we find out" and she is still crying. I said once again that I was sorry. Then I got to thinking, this was not about me this was about her. All the pointless drama. They never asked me, How I felt, what was nexted, how bad is it, nothing at all, but there upset I did not tell them. Now I know why I did not tell them. No you can't pick your family, but I am sure your sister really does care, it's that everyone is use to you being the caregiver.
Kathy

Hi Kat,
Been there, doing
Hi Kat,
Been there, doing that. My parents live with me and have for several years. That was a choice I made and I'll never regret it. Their health is starting to fail and we are needing extra help around the house. Never once, has he asked, what can I do, do you need anything, etc. My father has stage V kidney disease and will start dialysis very soon. My mother's back is in horrible shape and she's been diagnosed with Lupus and Fibromyalgia and is having trouble with that. Yes, I can understand how you feel my fellow sister. Hopefully we can train them to look around at someone other than themselves and start showing as least some empathy. One can always have hope!

Love and gentle hugs,
Donna

Jeanne D

djteach said:

Hi Kat,
Been there, doing
Hi Kat,
Been there, doing that. My parents live with me and have for several years. That was a choice I made and I'll never regret it. Their health is starting to fail and we are needing extra help around the house. Never once, has he asked, what can I do, do you need anything, etc. My father has stage V kidney disease and will start dialysis very soon. My mother's back is in horrible shape and she's been diagnosed with Lupus and Fibromyalgia and is having trouble with that. Yes, I can understand how you feel my fellow sister. Hopefully we can train them to look around at someone other than themselves and start showing as least some empathy. One can always have hope!

Love and gentle hugs,
Donna

Jackie
You have more important things to concern yourself with. The way I look at it is, it is their loss. I am sure we all know inconsiderate, self centered people whose lack of sensitivity towards our diagnosis amazes us. As I have stated before, at a time like this, you truly find out who your true friends and family members are. And, the ones that don't step up to the plate, in my opinion, I don't concern myself with. I have more important things to do than to feed into someone else's ego. I am in the fight for my life! You have a great family supporting you..those are the ones that count!
Love, Jeanne

rjjj

Aortus said:

And sometimes even then they don't get it!
Jackie, I am so sorry to hear about your clueless younger sister. Both Moopy and I have baby sisters who frequently drop off the face of the earth for long periods of time (both are single working moms), but when they actually do make contact, they are always concerned about Moopy and want to know how she is doing physically and emotionally.

There will be a time in the not-so-far future when you will be up and about and adjusting to your new normal and enjoying your Life After Cancer and your poor little sister will still be (if you'll pardon my French) a self-absorbed little twit who wonders why you aren't tripping over yourself to get in touch with her.

Thanks Joe
I still am very hurt by all of this and i can't believe they would be this way. I would/could never! but i guess these are the cards i have been dealt!! I do so appreciate your optimistic attitude I can just see me prancing up to my sis and telling her that i kicked it in the ****.. and looking beautiful (with Hair and strong) Maybe i am dreaming with Jeanne........... but i will not let anyone still my joy. I love you both and thanks for replying,
God bless, Jackie

tatooedinpink

your family
Jackie, I too, have a self-centered sister, who came to see me the first weekend I was diagnosed, only to see if I would allow her to make all my decisions for me. Once she saw I was going to listen to my doctors FIRST and make my own decisions thru my own research and thru many helpful volunteers at our Breast Cancer Resource Center, she didn't have much else to do with me. Never saw her again thru my treatment and she lives an hour and a half away.
All I ever heard during that time, was that she was now definitely going to get it, since me and my mom both had it. She has always been so self centered, it didn't surprise me. SO, I surrounded myself with my good friends and family that WERE concerned about me. I have 3 brothers and one sister, and have always been the responsible one that everyone goes to, and that they can all depend on. It gets old.

Try to focus on your health right now and give the family a break. As the comedian, Ron White, says "You can't fix stupid" :-)

Big Hug to you,

Debbie

rjjj

tatooedinpink said:

your family
Jackie, I too, have a self-centered sister, who came to see me the first weekend I was diagnosed, only to see if I would allow her to make all my decisions for me. Once she saw I was going to listen to my doctors FIRST and make my own decisions thru my own research and thru many helpful volunteers at our Breast Cancer Resource Center, she didn't have much else to do with me. Never saw her again thru my treatment and she lives an hour and a half away.
All I ever heard during that time, was that she was now definitely going to get it, since me and my mom both had it. She has always been so self centered, it didn't surprise me. SO, I surrounded myself with my good friends and family that WERE concerned about me. I have 3 brothers and one sister, and have always been the responsible one that everyone goes to, and that they can all depend on. It gets old.

Try to focus on your health right now and give the family a break. As the comedian, Ron White, says "You can't fix stupid" :-)

Big Hug to you,

Debbie

Debbie
I would so like to "fix stupid" but i don't think that they can take the time away from their lives "themselves" long enough. I am so sad and so scared..just don't understand, I would be with them unconditionally, if it should happen to them.
luv, jackie

rjjj

phoenixrising said:

It is time they cared for
It is time they cared for you but old habits may be hard to break. If all they've ever had to think about is themselves then that's probably all they're going to think about. Some people are born considerate and some learn it along the way but a great majority of people are really quite self centered and unfortunately sometimes they are our family. I do know how it can hurt. What I've been trying to do is feed that which bears fruit. No more one way street when it comes to relationships. But I can tell you that is hard to do with family cause we love them still. I hope at least one of them does something special for you soon to turn this around.
hugs
jan

I have been thinking
It is time for them to express what they feel for me..I don't think they do. love jackie

rjjj

Jeanne D said:

Jackie
You have more important things to concern yourself with. The way I look at it is, it is their loss. I am sure we all know inconsiderate, self centered people whose lack of sensitivity towards our diagnosis amazes us. As I have stated before, at a time like this, you truly find out who your true friends and family members are. And, the ones that don't step up to the plate, in my opinion, I don't concern myself with. I have more important things to do than to feed into someone else's ego. I am in the fight for my life! You have a great family supporting you..those are the ones that count!
Love, Jeanne

Thanks Jeanne
I know you are right. but right now i am angry with them, I know it won't do any good but these are my feelings and i feel entitiled to them. love ya, Jackie

CR1954

Hi Jackie.....
I am the youngest. I have one sister, who has been with me every step of the way. Has gone to chemo with me and even went clothes shopping with me after my mastectomy to help me find tops.

I have another sister who has severe health issues of her own and is basically housebound. She did try to stay in touch by phone, but I stopped having conversations with her because frankly, it was too depressinfg hearing about her health while worrying about my own.

Another sister, the closest in age to me, stopped calling or asking about me, when she saw me with "tremors" and not looking so great during chemo. If I should run into her anywhere now, she simply says hi, then walks away.
I think in her case, it's fear that keeps her away. I don't know.

My brother and his wife...the STRONG ones in the family, and the man who took over basically, when my father died (I was 10 at the time) were in constant contact with me and very encouraging. Which I really needed. I needed him to tell me that I COULD DO THIS! And he did.
Well, about halfway through chemo, I stopped hearing from him. I get the occasional email joke yet, but nothing else.
I'm not sure if he and my sister-in-law have their own life to deal with, if they lost interest or if they just figure I don't need more encouragement or whatever.

I guess you just never know how family, or friends for that matter, will act and react.

I'm very thankful for the help and love that I have had from one sister, but I'm kind of bewildered by how the others have acted. It makes me doubly appreciative of my husband and my grown kids.

CR

Jeanne D

rjjj said:

Thanks Jeanne
I know you are right. but right now i am angry with them, I know it won't do any good but these are my feelings and i feel entitiled to them. love ya, Jackie

I am sorry Jackie if you
I am sorry Jackie if you thought that I meant that you weren't entitled to have the feelings you are having. I didn't mean that at all. You have every right to be mad at them and to cry, cuss or do whatever you feel like. I just hated to see you or anyone waste one second on selfish, self centered, insensitive people, family or not, when you are in the fight of your life. I guess I just wish I could make everyone feel good and be happy. I wish you only the best dear Jackie. Love, Jeanne

p.s. and good luck again with your radiation treatments wednesday. if i can help in anyway, just ask.

rjjj

CR1954 said:

Hi Jackie.....
I am the youngest. I have one sister, who has been with me every step of the way. Has gone to chemo with me and even went clothes shopping with me after my mastectomy to help me find tops.

I have another sister who has severe health issues of her own and is basically housebound. She did try to stay in touch by phone, but I stopped having conversations with her because frankly, it was too depressinfg hearing about her health while worrying about my own.

Another sister, the closest in age to me, stopped calling or asking about me, when she saw me with "tremors" and not looking so great during chemo. If I should run into her anywhere now, she simply says hi, then walks away.
I think in her case, it's fear that keeps her away. I don't know.

My brother and his wife...the STRONG ones in the family, and the man who took over basically, when my father died (I was 10 at the time) were in constant contact with me and very encouraging. Which I really needed. I needed him to tell me that I COULD DO THIS! And he did.
Well, about halfway through chemo, I stopped hearing from him. I get the occasional email joke yet, but nothing else.
I'm not sure if he and my sister-in-law have their own life to deal with, if they lost interest or if they just figure I don't need more encouragement or whatever.

I guess you just never know how family, or friends for that matter, will act and react.

I'm very thankful for the help and love that I have had from one sister, but I'm kind of bewildered by how the others have acted. It makes me doubly appreciative of my husband and my grown kids.

CR

I guess we are born with it
or we are not. I have always had overwhelming compassion for those I work with in the Nursing home (with alzheimers or whatever the desease and they love me like family (more than family) I want to call my sister and give her a piece of my mind, Do you think that would help her become a better person Or help me look more like a ****? Jackie

CR1954

rjjj said:

I guess we are born with it
or we are not. I have always had overwhelming compassion for those I work with in the Nursing home (with alzheimers or whatever the desease and they love me like family (more than family) I want to call my sister and give her a piece of my mind, Do you think that would help her become a better person Or help me look more like a ****? Jackie

In my family......
We were all raised to be strong and uncomplaining. We weren't supposed to be afraid or unburden ourselves on others. Suffer in silence. Unfair expectations, but the way it was, growing up.

I guess that may be part of the reason some of my family members act the way they do.

I'm not sure what motivates your sister to act the way she does. Maybe Jackie, she thinks that you are too strong, too capable, invincible?
Whatever the reason, maybe you could sit down and talk to her and tell her that you have needs too...that you could use some help, both physically and emotionally. That you would appreciate her support.

Then, if she continues to act the same way that she has been...GIVE HER A PIECE OF YOUR MIND!!!!

CR

zahalene

phoenixrising said:

It is time they cared for
It is time they cared for you but old habits may be hard to break. If all they've ever had to think about is themselves then that's probably all they're going to think about. Some people are born considerate and some learn it along the way but a great majority of people are really quite self centered and unfortunately sometimes they are our family. I do know how it can hurt. What I've been trying to do is feed that which bears fruit. No more one way street when it comes to relationships. But I can tell you that is hard to do with family cause we love them still. I hope at least one of them does something special for you soon to turn this around.
hugs
jan

What wisdom!
..."feed that which bears fruit". Absolutely nail-on-the-head wisdom. Not that we should cut off our family members who do not carry their weight, but we can certainly refuse to pour our limited resources (especially in times of our own crisis) into those who take and take and take and never give in return. Our real 'families' are those who connect with us in ways that have nothing to do with birth or blood.

bfbear

rjjj said:

I guess we are born with it
or we are not. I have always had overwhelming compassion for those I work with in the Nursing home (with alzheimers or whatever the desease and they love me like family (more than family) I want to call my sister and give her a piece of my mind, Do you think that would help her become a better person Or help me look more like a ****? Jackie

Oy!!
I totally understand your anger and frustration, Jackie. Althoug I am lucky to have a wonderful sister, my mother died of cancer 20 years ago, my stepfather is useless, my Dad is toxic, and my Uncle is all about "I hope you get better because you have to take care of ME...."

My half-brother went on a tirade about how I HAD to go to the Cancer Treatment Center of America when I first got my dx, I set my boundaries explaining it was my body and I had to make my treatment decisions, and I haven't heard from him since...

I have also been the caregiver and compassionate family member (remember the discussion we once all had about the fact that all of us here tend to be that person in our family???).

Personally, I best express myself in writing, so I send letters or emails explaining how I feel to people/family members whom I can't seem to get through to in any other way. I get to go over and edit the words, make sure I'm expressing my feelings in the best possible way, and I can go back and see exactly what I said after the other person responds.

You're not a *****. And you are entitled to your feelings. But you need to feel them and then move on so that they're not hurting YOU. Have you ever heard the expression, "Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."?

Much love and compassion,
Debi

Moopy23

rjjj said:

I guess we are born with it
or we are not. I have always had overwhelming compassion for those I work with in the Nursing home (with alzheimers or whatever the desease and they love me like family (more than family) I want to call my sister and give her a piece of my mind, Do you think that would help her become a better person Or help me look more like a ****? Jackie

Sisters
It upsets me to think of your sisters' lack of understanding and compassion. You give so much of yourself, Jackie, that you deserve to be surrounded by the love and empathy you offer so selflessly. I think that your sisters got used to receiving, never giving back or thinking of their big sister. They think your job is to be there for them. Which you have been. But it is time for you to take care of you, and for those who love you to step up and be there.

You're right: compassion and the capacity to think of others are qualities so many people lack, for whatever reasons. Like others have posted here, I have been stunned, sometimes, at people's comments/reactions after my own diagnosis. If you really want to communicate how you feel, I like Debi's idea of writing. Do you exchange e-mails with your sisters? That way you could edit, as Debi said.

I don't think what you write or say will make your sister behave differently for any length of time. But, if she loves you at all, she should at least be sorry you are upset. And if it makes YOU feel better, it is worth considering.

And what do you mean...."make me look more like a ********?" You look like what you are, a beautiful, strong, loving human being. A person with rare compassion and concern for others, whether you are related to them or not. Don't want to hear you put yourself down, girl? Ok??

Love, Moopy

ritazimm

Family
Hi Jackie,

I am sorry that your loved ones are so self-centered. I have experienced both sides of this coin. I have 5 brothers and sisters and most of them have been very supportive. I don't know what I would have done without their support! All of them live in different states but their love, support and prayers have really seen me through. But I also have one brother that has called me one time (possibly twice) over the past 18 months since I told everyone about my diagnosis. For YEARS I have also reminded him that he has some responsibility toward our mother and father and that just a phone call, a couple of times a year, would go a LONG way at easing their worries about him and his family. He is also a minister so he is fully aware of Gods view on this but it does no good. I have stressed about it for years as well because I am the only one that lives near my parents (I'm the youngest) and I therefore am the only one that bears the front of their anxiety over him. But since the cancer, I have realized that I will no longer let the behavior of others upset me. Not his poor behavior or my parents anxiety over it. When my mother starts ****ing to me about him, I just tell her that I have no control over him and that she should just get on the phone and call him to complain. I have also given up on thinking that he will change. I have no idea what his issues are, but they are HIS issues and not mine so I cannot change them. I have realized that I am taking on too many things that I cannot change so I am giving them up. Of course this isn't easy to do but it is one of the few things that I have learned from this terrible beast. I am done enabling others to upset me. Even thouse that I love.

(Now that I have said that, let me give a possible excuse on my brothers behalf. I have written a blog so that my family and friends could know what is happening with me so that they wouldn't have to call me all the time wondering what is happening. He might be reading my blog and keeping up with what is happening with me, but he has not commented or called about any of the good or bad things that have happened. So much for no longer being an enabler, huh?)

I am so sorry that your family hasn't been supportive and are so very selfish. I cannot even imagine the hurt that they are causing you. Even though you love them dearly, try not to let them hurt you. It really is time for you to focus on yourself and the people that are helping you through this. If they cannot be there to support you now, then they just beed to be put aside for a time and just focus on yourself and those that are there for you. And the hardes part is DON'T FEEL GUILTY FOR DOING THIS!!! You need to keep the positives in your life and purge as much of the negatives as you possible can.

Good luck and God bless!
Rita