Young *Single* Cancer Survivors
I was just thinking about a new section for this discussion board. * Young "Single" Cancer Survivors * Has anyone else thought of that idea? I know personally there are many concerns about Single Living that harbor inside my mind and imagination, and was wondering if that happens to any of you out there in internet land? If I am alone in this, fine... I'll drop it. But if anyone else has some input, please reply. Well, take care everyone. God bless to all.
-Michael
Comments
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Hi Michael,
I just love your upbeat posts! Yes, I think are many concerns when your single with cancer. Or even just helping your partner deal with your cancer. Let's face it being bald with scars isn't exactly the ideal sexy role model in today's society. Hope to see you online soon!0 -
Michael, you're not alone man. I wonder in what ways people think of me differently now. Some people I've met this past year don't even know I have cancer, they haven't had the guts to ask why I have 3 long scars on my cheek and neck, I have no problem telling them if they ask, but I don't go around making sure everyone knows. I'm getting off the topic. I'd like to hear what other people think about young cancer survivors, we obviously carry a little more baggage than most people would like to deal with, in my opinion at least. I'd really love to hear what you all have to say on this, thanks.0
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Michael I think it would be a great idea because we are all in the same place in our lives for the most part and dealing with the same thing and it would help us be able to deal with dating and relationships and share what works and what doesnt with cancer in our lives. It is a great idea they could do 2 different boards to deal with the subject so that there is a seperate page for older singles/ married couples too so that others can have help with the same topic but us younger survivors I think do have problems in that area.0
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Hi Michael,
I am definitely thinking it would be a great idea. Its so hard to explain to people what its like being a cancer survivor, young, single and dating. I know that now I look for something a lot different in my relationships than I did in the past. Plus, does the person Im dating understand me? Aaaaah, so many questions...0 -
I completely agree with all of you. Even if we are in remission or healed.. it seems the fear is too great. No one seems to want to date someone who has had cancer, I guess for fear it will come back and they will have to deal with it. What they dont understand is.. we are people who have an amazing ZEST and LOVE for life... people who cherish every day and every breath. WE hold compassion and understanding close to use, and long to give it away. Wow. im starting to sound a little too poetic. So im single, 27 and live in upstate NY, any takers? lolChristmasgirl said:Hi Michael,
I am definitely thinking it would be a great idea. Its so hard to explain to people what its like being a cancer survivor, young, single and dating. I know that now I look for something a lot different in my relationships than I did in the past. Plus, does the person Im dating understand me? Aaaaah, so many questions...0 -
I was diagnosed in 1990 at
I was diagnosed in 1990 at age five. When I was going through public school I only had two good friends. It wasn't until 7th grade when I transferd to a special needs school would I make more friends. I have never, ever had a boyfriend, or been on a date or anything. I look fine, when I tell people I had cancer they're really shocked because I don't look like I've been sick. I feel like I'm not pretty enough for guys if I've never had a boyfriend, and its so hard when you're 24 years old and have never been kissed. I'm in my last year of college so that may be a factor. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm a simple girl, I don't need much to be happy, I just can't find any guys who feel the same way.0 -
I've had a girlfriend,srisko said:I was diagnosed in 1990 at
I was diagnosed in 1990 at age five. When I was going through public school I only had two good friends. It wasn't until 7th grade when I transferd to a special needs school would I make more friends. I have never, ever had a boyfriend, or been on a date or anything. I look fine, when I tell people I had cancer they're really shocked because I don't look like I've been sick. I feel like I'm not pretty enough for guys if I've never had a boyfriend, and its so hard when you're 24 years old and have never been kissed. I'm in my last year of college so that may be a factor. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm a simple girl, I don't need much to be happy, I just can't find any guys who feel the same way.
I've had a girlfriend, srisko, and she was great--caring, understanding, and comfortable with me as a survivor and an amputee. It ended amicably, and while I miss her dearly I am at the same time pleased with our new relationship, even though we are now more distant than ever.
However, I've also faced a lot of rejection. In reality, it probably isn't any more than most men (or women for that matter), but it still hurts. And when I am hurting, it is hard to keep my mind from considering whether or not things would be any different had I a "normal" body. I know these concerns aren't healthy and are probably of less consequence than they feel to me, but I cannot shake them entirely. They visit me more so lately than ever before--I've moved to a new place for graduate school, itself a lonesome endeavor; I live alone; I've developed a crush on a new friend without knowing why: she's a wonderful friend, but I wonder whether I am motivated by my own anxiety to find some point of stability in the chaotic life of a survivor. I don't think she feels the same way about me as I do about her, which is nothing profound or new for anyone. So I must try to rein in my heart so I don't lose the closest friend I have in my new environment.
I must do that. I've never met a person who hadn't been through something similar. Yet as a survivor and an amputee, I also must return--and reluctantly so--to my body, a source of anxiety that drains me of the confidence I need to overcome its weight on my spirit. At these moments, it feels like the world wasn't made with me in mind. At these moments, no matter how much I try to judge others by their character, I cannot help but judge harshly myself on physical grounds. At these moments, I am not the man who can return a hug, but rather the man who can only offer half an embrace, who will hold your hand only if you walk at my left side.
I will not be this person if I don't let myself become him, but he is a part of me nonetheless. A part of everyone, I imagine, survivor or not. A relationship can cure many of the scars that never show, but when it ends you discover they never really went away. Your heart is right to seek solace in another.
I have no advice for you, srisko, but that you keep your chin up. Be all those parts of yourself you love the most, and share these gifts with others. Even when you are your most lonesome, your most distant, or your most defeated, you are still at your most beautiful. When you feel like giving up, attempt instead to give away. This is easy to say, but what I've written about myself above is attractive to no one (even I dislike myself when I drift into that depressing territory).
Just know that you're not the only one who has ever felt isolated, heartsick, or desperate as a result of your cancer. I don't think there is any one way out of the hole, either. One direction is as good as the next if you've got the momentum to carry you through it.
It's probably a good thing we've both come here to share our experiences; I imagine we'd be worse off without the courage to be vocal.0 -
i've had girlfriends...and
i've had girlfriends...and while they told me they didn't have a problem dating a survivor in the beginning that was always the implicit reason the relationship ended. they just didn't have the "sterner stuff" needed to deal with dating someone that went through what i went through, and i don't fault them for that. it takes a strong person to deal with people like us...let's be honest...i think that's why so many of us are single...we just have to find people who are strong. that shoudn't be too hard, right? like finding a penny in the desert.0 -
sorry about the double
sorry about the double post...stupid computer0 -
young single cancer survivors
Hi I think its a good idea to have a board or section here for young single survivors and/or young adult single survivors as well. Having them would be a good way to get to know other survivors that could relate to one anothers experiences etc.0 -
young single cancer survivors
Does anyone know of any other singles groups or discussion boards for cancer survivors?0 -
good idea
I think this is a really good idea for a discussion board.
From my personal experience, it's been weird going out with my friends and meeting people since I found out I had cancer. Especially after I had my thyroid removed, because now I have a scar on my neck that I have to try and cover up when I'm at parties or bars so I don't have to tell strangers my whole story. A lot of the time I just want to be able to go out and pretend to be normal and not "that girl who has cancer".
Also there's explaining all of it to potential dates and hoping they don't get freaked out. I don't like telling people, it's always a long story and everyone always makes the same face when I drop the "c-bomb". I've pretty much resolved not to date new people until my treatment is over (which fortunately will only be about another month), just because I hate going through the whole thing.0 -
Amenerolyn said:good idea
I think this is a really good idea for a discussion board.
From my personal experience, it's been weird going out with my friends and meeting people since I found out I had cancer. Especially after I had my thyroid removed, because now I have a scar on my neck that I have to try and cover up when I'm at parties or bars so I don't have to tell strangers my whole story. A lot of the time I just want to be able to go out and pretend to be normal and not "that girl who has cancer".
Also there's explaining all of it to potential dates and hoping they don't get freaked out. I don't like telling people, it's always a long story and everyone always makes the same face when I drop the "c-bomb". I've pretty much resolved not to date new people until my treatment is over (which fortunately will only be about another month), just because I hate going through the whole thing.
Amen0 -
Encouragement for you JRWEEKSjrweeks said:I've had a girlfriend,
I've had a girlfriend, srisko, and she was great--caring, understanding, and comfortable with me as a survivor and an amputee. It ended amicably, and while I miss her dearly I am at the same time pleased with our new relationship, even though we are now more distant than ever.
However, I've also faced a lot of rejection. In reality, it probably isn't any more than most men (or women for that matter), but it still hurts. And when I am hurting, it is hard to keep my mind from considering whether or not things would be any different had I a "normal" body. I know these concerns aren't healthy and are probably of less consequence than they feel to me, but I cannot shake them entirely. They visit me more so lately than ever before--I've moved to a new place for graduate school, itself a lonesome endeavor; I live alone; I've developed a crush on a new friend without knowing why: she's a wonderful friend, but I wonder whether I am motivated by my own anxiety to find some point of stability in the chaotic life of a survivor. I don't think she feels the same way about me as I do about her, which is nothing profound or new for anyone. So I must try to rein in my heart so I don't lose the closest friend I have in my new environment.
I must do that. I've never met a person who hadn't been through something similar. Yet as a survivor and an amputee, I also must return--and reluctantly so--to my body, a source of anxiety that drains me of the confidence I need to overcome its weight on my spirit. At these moments, it feels like the world wasn't made with me in mind. At these moments, no matter how much I try to judge others by their character, I cannot help but judge harshly myself on physical grounds. At these moments, I am not the man who can return a hug, but rather the man who can only offer half an embrace, who will hold your hand only if you walk at my left side.
I will not be this person if I don't let myself become him, but he is a part of me nonetheless. A part of everyone, I imagine, survivor or not. A relationship can cure many of the scars that never show, but when it ends you discover they never really went away. Your heart is right to seek solace in another.
I have no advice for you, srisko, but that you keep your chin up. Be all those parts of yourself you love the most, and share these gifts with others. Even when you are your most lonesome, your most distant, or your most defeated, you are still at your most beautiful. When you feel like giving up, attempt instead to give away. This is easy to say, but what I've written about myself above is attractive to no one (even I dislike myself when I drift into that depressing territory).
Just know that you're not the only one who has ever felt isolated, heartsick, or desperate as a result of your cancer. I don't think there is any one way out of the hole, either. One direction is as good as the next if you've got the momentum to carry you through it.
It's probably a good thing we've both come here to share our experiences; I imagine we'd be worse off without the courage to be vocal.
I just got a Christmas card in the mail from a good friend. In our mid-late 20's she married a man who had a similar situation to yours. As a young boy he lost one of his legs to cancer. They have been married now for over 12 years and have 5 beautiful children and plan to adopt two kids in the next year.
I believe you will find someone who will love you for who you are. But first, you need to love you for who you are. That is true, not just for you, but for everyone, including me.
I'm 37 now and have had a rough year with breast cancer, losing both of my breasts. I am married, so I apologize for jumping in on the 'single' discussion, but as a 37 year old I'm on the fence between being a 'young' and an 'old' survivor. So I often check this board to see what others are sharing.
My point: with my new abnormal physique, I've had to learn how to love myself again. It took awhile, but once I did, there was a huge burden that fell from my shoulders.
I admire your courage, jrweeks!
Chelle0 -
If might add to this, thougherolyn said:good idea
I think this is a really good idea for a discussion board.
From my personal experience, it's been weird going out with my friends and meeting people since I found out I had cancer. Especially after I had my thyroid removed, because now I have a scar on my neck that I have to try and cover up when I'm at parties or bars so I don't have to tell strangers my whole story. A lot of the time I just want to be able to go out and pretend to be normal and not "that girl who has cancer".
Also there's explaining all of it to potential dates and hoping they don't get freaked out. I don't like telling people, it's always a long story and everyone always makes the same face when I drop the "c-bomb". I've pretty much resolved not to date new people until my treatment is over (which fortunately will only be about another month), just because I hate going through the whole thing.
If might add to this, though it's more about relationships in general, I certainly know the frustration with having to drop the "c-bomb" once and awhile- taking the time dealing with people's reactions can get overwhelming. The way I think people might perceive me is often left up my own imagination. What I've learned to do is to only tell people about my experience when it's necessary, which with I'm sure you probably would agree, but also not to be afraid of it or be afraid to show people how it's actually affected you. If we can live with confidence, then maybe other people won't react with fear, uncertainty, over-bearingness, or even rejection. Cancer is part of those who are affected by it, but if we can prove to others that it isn't what defines us or what consumes us, then they can understand it to be more normal, the way we see it. Anyways I hope that doesn't sound cliche or anything. Godspeed with your treatment and recovery.0 -
That totally doesn't soundJoe18 said:If might add to this, though
If might add to this, though it's more about relationships in general, I certainly know the frustration with having to drop the "c-bomb" once and awhile- taking the time dealing with people's reactions can get overwhelming. The way I think people might perceive me is often left up my own imagination. What I've learned to do is to only tell people about my experience when it's necessary, which with I'm sure you probably would agree, but also not to be afraid of it or be afraid to show people how it's actually affected you. If we can live with confidence, then maybe other people won't react with fear, uncertainty, over-bearingness, or even rejection. Cancer is part of those who are affected by it, but if we can prove to others that it isn't what defines us or what consumes us, then they can understand it to be more normal, the way we see it. Anyways I hope that doesn't sound cliche or anything. Godspeed with your treatment and recovery.
That totally doesn't sound cliche. I personally am on a mission to "take back" the c-word and strip it of its power by mocking it whenever possible.
My family and friends and I have gotten pretty good at this.
Godspeed to you as well.0 -
Well I guess I should beerolyn said:That totally doesn't sound
That totally doesn't sound cliche. I personally am on a mission to "take back" the c-word and strip it of its power by mocking it whenever possible. My family and friends and I have gotten pretty good at this.
Godspeed to you as well.
Well I guess I should be more specific with my own experiences here- I've been in remission for 5 1/2 years now so for me the c-word today mostly pertains to telling people I've had cancer, and the few instances where I thought it was worth being open about, like at a Light the Night Fundraiser. You've got a great attitude, stay with it!0 -
I like this idea.erolyn said:That totally doesn't sound
That totally doesn't sound cliche. I personally am on a mission to "take back" the c-word and strip it of its power by mocking it whenever possible. My family and friends and I have gotten pretty good at this.
Godspeed to you as well.
I like this idea.0
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