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So mad and having emotional issues right now.

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

Does anybody else ever feel this way? I got the bad news about my one met doubling in size over a three months span and is now about an inch across. Or was when they did the CT scan in December so it's probably bigger now. It really scared the crap out of me. I've been in a funk ever since.

The very next day my boss decided it was a good day to have a talk with me about recalls. I work in a dental office and my boss is the centist/owner. Recalls are where we book patients who are due for their next teeth cleaning and/or check up. He has a program that send emails and texts to people to remind them but I still call them as well. The numbers are down because in Alberta we voted in a new government and it was a huge mistane and our economy is now in the toilet. People are being laid off. businesses, even larger ones, are closing, and the people who still have jobs are scared that they're next. They don't want to taek the time off rom owrk to go to the dentist in the middle of the day, they don't want to have to pay the portion that their insurance doesn't cover, and often they don't have coverage anymore at all. I was told one in five dental offices has closed their doors in the city. Our profit margin os down 4.6%. I think that's pretty good under the circumstances but my boss has decided to put it all in my lap. I must be doing something wrong if the umbers are down. I'm doing everything I ever did at every office I've been in and am on top of the recall list. I finished calling everyone for February two weeks ago. He's a nice man but he's hard headed and styubborn and if he gets an idea in his head that's it. So he thinks it's somehow my fault. He even threatened me with docking my pay for every hour the hygeinist isn't booked. So now I'm stressed at work. Three people cancelled for one day next week. How is that my fault? But I was almost in tears when the last one called to cancel. The day is only half booked now. I really don't need this stress.

I've been feeling pretty crappy and fatigued lately which the doctor said is likely because of the mets. I hurt all the time, my feet still have neuropathy, I sleep a lot, I have no energy to do anything but I force myself and then end up even more tired later. So my husband has decided that I should smoke pot to help me out. I've never smoked anything in my life. I do not intend at this point to start pulling something into my lungs- with the mets that could be irritated by smoke- and endanger my health. He doesn't smoke pot, either, so he got it from his loser dope head son and God only knows what's in it. I tried the oil a couple of years ago after my cancer surgery and hated the taste and it made me feel really funny. I don't want to try smoking it. So he got all snarky and said "well then don't come crying to me saying you're in pain if you won't even give it a try". I rarely complain about how I eel but I'm honest when he asks. I realize this is a man's stupid way of 'fixing' something like they always do. But to be so dismissive as to say what he said? I am angry beyond words. He knows what my boss is doing and is angry about that. Now I feel like my husband is kind of doing the ame thing, blaming me for something I have no control over.

He's been great through all of this for the main part. He's gotten impateint with me a few times when I don't want to do things and really gave me a blast when I was whheelchair bound after I got out of the hospital after my blood clot but I realized it was just his upset and frustration while I was in there, inappropriate as it was.

Anyway, just wondering if anyone else has experienced anything like this and your thoughts. Please don't suggest that I sit down with my boss and explain everything to him, I tried that and he won't listen. He also won;t lisetn to his accountant and his wife when they tell him the same thing. His wife is my friend.

Thanks,

Jan

RetiredNellie
Posts: 14
Joined: Sep 2016

Jan,

I really dont have any useful words of advice but what I want to say is this:

You are a strong person and I've admired your strength as you have posted on this forum about yourself but mostly your posts were to help and encourage others.  I just wanted to tell you how much I admire this strength and compassion in you.

I truly pray that things are better for you very soon.  In all aspects.  Take care.

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

Thank you so much.

Canadian Sandy's picture
Canadian Sandy
Posts: 512
Joined: Jul 2016

I'm so sorry that things are not going good for you right now Jan. You are such a compassionate person and I think like me you are very sensitive. I can't help to much but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. i wouldn't be able to cope with work and all the chit going on with cancer...lucky I am retired. Try to keep optimistic Jan.

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

Thank you, I appreciate it.

zx10guy
Posts: 207
Joined: Dec 2013

Jan,

While I haven't had to deal with a recurrence, only a new primary after my initial diagnosis, I can relate to everything you've said.  For the job situation, I had a previous manager who was supportive of my cancer situation in the beginning.  After I went through treatment and got married, things with him started to change for whatever reason.  I'm in IT sales as a pre sales engineer.  I have a quota I have to attain.  That year/half I was already meeting/exceeding my quota.  I had also given him bragging rights for being the first manager "involved" in selling our flagship networking switch in North America; I sold 2 out of the 4 sold world wide at product launch.  Yet he was riding my a$$ for weeks wondering what I was doing and why it didn't seem like I was trying that hard.  He didnt' like the fact I didn't pick up his phone calls immediately nor wasn't working as late.  Well, I made some lifestyle changes and decided I wasn't going to kill myself over this job; especially after having gone through cancer.  I had two very uncomfortable meetings with him.  One was over the phone where I just got 45 minutes of him berating me for not performing and one was in person.  As a reminder, I was ahead of quota numbers.  Plus a couple of years ago, I received an award from the company for the North America division for being the engineer of the half.  Yet hear we are with him beating me up.

My stress levels shot up.  I hated my job because of what my manager was doing to me.  I was (and still am) the only source of income for my household because my wife stopped working.  And the reason she stopped working was she was pregnant with our daughter.  Also to add to the stress, my wife was having a difficult pregnancy and we got into arguments because of her stress levels and mine.  Much of this has carried over to this current day where our marriage has been on the rocks as a lasting side effect of what happened those months.

Regarding your fatigue, sleep habits, and just overall feeling of crap, I'm extremely surprised your doctor hasn't brought up your mental health.  In my opinion, your exhibiting signs of depression which is understandable given your situation and what you've been through.  If at all possible, I would seek counseling and possibly a psychiatrist.  This will be infinitely more helpful than smoking pot, which to me isn't even close in helping you with your issues.  The reason why I feel you're going through depression is because I had to deal with these things and saught help.

As far as your husband is concerned, I had to deal with that dismissive attitude from my wife too.  Not sure what it is with some spouses.  I see other spouses who are caregivers on the various forums constantly looking for information to help out their spouses going through cancer.  Yet mine didn't seem to do anything extra other than just be around when I was going through treatment.  I found myself sometimes wishing I had that kind of support from those spouses on the forums seeking answers and help.

I just wanted to let you know you're not alone in what you're dealing with.  Hang in there and please a find a counselor to talk about all the things weighing you down.  Or at the very least, seek out a good friend to vent to.  You need to get all these things off your chest.

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

Thanks for sharing your situation. It helps to know someone else can understand. I have to say that most of the time my husband is wonderful. But sometimes the burden gets to be too much and he gets like this. I just feel like if it's that hard for you, imagine how it is for me. I can't get away from it, ever.

zx10guy
Posts: 207
Joined: Dec 2013

Glad I was able to let you know you're not alone.  I guess it's good your husband isn't like that all the time.  Right now, I'm all alone with dealing with my health situation.  My wife hasn't asked about anything going on with me for months now.  Not even about when my next follow up appointment is.  And because she's being this way, I have chosen not to say anything about what's going on with me.  It's interesting how I've sort of morphed over the years dealing with all the baggage and issues.  I used to have anxieties about scans and blood work like most people here.  But I've found after the new primary I had last summer, that the follow up scan and blood work didn't weigh heavily in my mind.  I did do the same things I did which was schedule my scan early in the morning and got the scan report that afternoon.  And I did check periodically if my oncologist had posted my CEA numbers online.  But the anxiety wasn't really there this time.  I've almost gotten to the point where I almost don't care anymore if the news is good or bad.

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

I've been having dreams the past few days where I'm healthy and my parents are still alive. I wake up and reality sets in and it just makes everything worse. And the rash/allergic reaction I've been getting is worse. I woke up this morning with my upper lip all swollen. I've been taking allergy pills but I see my regular doctor on Monday to see about getting soething prescription strength.

I found out yesterday from my friend, my boss's wife, that he lied to me about the office numbers being down. The other office he has is the one that's down, the one I work at is actually up 2.3%. She said that's how he works, he'll lie to manipulate people and gave me examples of how he does it with her and the previous receptionist. She said he's like little Donald Trump, he believes his lies so there's no way to argue. She said the only thing I can do is ignore it and that she's spent many nights crying because he's insulted her. She's his assistant so they work together. Typical arrogant dentist. They come from money, they have no idea how it is not to have any, they don't take any kind of courses telling them how to handle staff or be business people and they just handle people like jerks. Ugh, I hate this business.

IcyMoonstone
Posts: 41
Joined: Feb 2017

While I am still new on here and only now had a chance to vent some of the thoughts in my head, I can tell one thing.  I can tell that you are a loving and compassionate person.  We share horses in common and being too fatigued to ride.  Which let's admit it, that is like having an extra dose of chemo to be denied of that.  Here are my recommendations for what it is worth:  Go see your horse.  Hug him.  Love him.  Teach him some new tricks.  Find something else to concentrate on when you feel good. 

Make things easier for yourself.  My tricks are to use disposable plates and table ware.  I am an environmentalist, and that makes part of me screem in horror.  However, It is so worth the less effort you need to take.  Do anything you can to make each day easier.  Whether it is small and seems stupid to the rest of the world.  Do it anyway. 

But go see that horse.  :)  They fix it all. 

Hugs!

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

Thank you so much! I'd planned to have the farrier out today but was worried about how I'd feel after so I cancelled but I'm going out to see him on Sunday. Not tomorrow because I work. And a friend of mine is seriously thinking about getting a horse and boarding where we board so I'd have another riding buddy. She and I had our first horses together when we were kids and rode all over the place.

My husband has been good about doing things around the house the last few days. He even cleaned the whole house yesterday! And he unladed the dishwasher today. And got me roses. So he's off the hook.

beaumontdave's picture
beaumontdave
Posts: 996
Joined: Aug 2013

So to summarize, you've got a met growing, your boss is leaning on you and jerking you around, you've got aches and neuropathy plaguing you daily, you'd like to move but can't, and your loving hubby throws ideas at you, then gets mad if you don't embrace them. [I still hear every stupid, angry word I ever spoke at Cindy in the last couple years]. Whew, that is a load of stress right there. If I thought I'd feel better tomorrow, I'd take a Xanax, finish the stuff I had to do, go for a long walk, hit the tavern along the way, have a couple, walk home and go to bed, but that's just me. If this is how most days are going to feel for you, you probably should get some guidance about stress relievers [not just pills] and ways to cope. We throw a lot of ideas around here on the blog, but a pro might be able to nudge you in the right direction, towards something that helps. In any case, I'm sorry you have to deal with all that, I just ordered a book on Stoicism, which is somewhat about handling all the swirling emotions in our lives. I'll let you know if I think has something to offer. Hang in there......................................Dave

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

I read a lot so yes, please let me know if the book is helpful! Thanks Dave! I've been using CBD oil for the past few days to see if that helps. I may have mentioned that already, I hate going back and reading my own posts, it's kind of embarassing for some reason. I got the number for the cancer support person/counsellor so I have someone to talk to if I need it. She's previously told me we could just talk on the phone. She's great, I just thought I could tough this out on my own.

mozart13
Posts: 118
Joined: Nov 2016

It is good thing to talk about problems, helps.

You doing great, coping well with health, job , and home situation. Your husband is probablly going through crisis, we all do, some people cope better than the other, it looks like Alberta is going through recession, that puts pressure on every one.

Things will improve with approval of keystone pipe line.

Sorry to hear about your nodulle, what is the plan, chemo or operation, I just finished my treatment little ove week, off work for time being, but feel like going back to work, have been to gym couple of times.

I think what helped me to come around so fast, was taking beta glucan 1,3d before treatment, it helps to improve immune system, some studies say that it creates anti tumor cells, that people that took it before treatments have better chance of survival, my tumor shrinked from 4.5 cm to 2.2 cm, I was hopeing for for complete response, didnt happen, so not much fate in this supplemnts, they might help litlle.

You know what hellped me with energy during treatment, food, vheal or beaf, gave me boost of energy.

This deasease takes tall on every one, including family members.

Your lungs are affected, try deep breathing exercises, extra oxygen will help you, check your hemoglobin, when low people feel tired, red blood cells cary oxygen around body.

Take care Jan, wish you well!

 

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

Hmm, I'm going to look up that beta glucan stuff, thank you. All this time I've been just trying to avoid doing anything additonal because it felt like I was giving in or something like that. I've always been like that, it's not just the cancer that's making me feel that way.

The plan is to try Panitumumab which is a protein that interferes with the growth and spread of cancer cells. My onc had my tumour tested and it would respond to this treatment. I had the first treatment today. It wasn't terrible. I'm glad it's over and I'm now doing something to combat this crap.

LindaK.
Posts: 490
Joined: Apr 2013

Oh Jan, I am so sorry to read about your frustrations.  It is just not fair and I'm sorry you're feeling so down.  It makes me mad, too, how people are treating you.  Your boss sounds like a jerk, but if you need the job, you may have to tolerate it unfortunately.  Do you have Disability benefits like we do in the US?  My husband was able to get Social Security Disability very quickly after his stage 4 diagnosis.  Maybe you could qualify for something like that so you can focus on your health.  It was a nice benefit to have for a few years.  Someone I work with has been on chemo for 4 years for pancreatic cancer.  He has worked pretty much full time for 4 years, having chemo every 2 or 3 weeks for 4 years!  He takes vacations and is retiring in a few months to enjoy life.  I don't know how he does it, but he tolerates the chemo very well and comes to work after his infusions, and works probably 50 hours/week.  I admire his strength.

I had kind of the reverse situation like you're having with your husband. I would suggest foods, medicines, therapies to help my husband any way I could and he would be stubborn and usually never would try them.  He was a stubborn man and I would often leave a room and go cry somewhere else so he wouldn't see how he upset me with his words or actions.  He liked his food but he had so many issues with his digestion and diabetes and wouldn't consider changing his diet or trying different things.  I know he was sad and angry as I'm sure most people are that are fighting cancer so I would always tell myself that.  It's tough on any relationship.  I only saw my husband cry 3 times in his life. once when his ex-wife tried to keep his children from him, once when he was told he was stage 4 and once when he was told he had weeks to months left.  I know I cried many more times about his cancer.  It just stinks for everyone involved so you're allowed to be mad, sad, or whatever.  My husband's 2nd cancer center was much more concerned about his overall health and well being (and mine too)  I would also suggest counseling and possibly medication.  I have taken an anti-depressant for about 4 years myself and it helps me.

This is a good place to vent so I'm glad you can get some of your feelings out this way.

Linda

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
Posts: 4857
Joined: Jan 2013

I was just thinking about you the other day.  

I must admit, I think I know where your husband was coming from, concerning food.  For those of us who love food and have enjoyed food all of our lives, it is so very hard to change the way we eat, even when we know it could save our lives.  I work with many diabetics, being a Podiatric MA (such a terribly disease; just as bad as Cancer in my eyes). I see those who just can't resist the sweets, or large plates of food. I myself struggle daily resisting, and more times than not (if you could see me, chunky lunky) fail.

Its a joy to see you pop back to the forum, and much appreciated, knowing that your hubby has passed away. Your support and knowledge is improtant.

Cyber hugs!

TRU

LindaK.
Posts: 490
Joined: Apr 2013

So kind of you to acknowledge me.  I totally understand the food issues, being a recovering sugarholic myself.  I am currently following a sugar free diet, only eating Stevia, which is a natural sweetener.  My health has greatly improved and my doctor is slowing taking me off most of my meds.  It is not easy and it is just me to cook for.  Almost every day I think my husband would have benefited from this, but I also know he most likely would never have gone along with it. 

What is Podiatric MA?  I'm not familiar with that.  Hope you are well, nice picture you've added!

Linda

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
Posts: 4857
Joined: Jan 2013

Podiatric Medical Assistant.  I'm a (part time) foot Doctor's medical assistant.  And I LOVE IT! 

TRU

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

Love the new picture Tru! I'm going to replace mine as well. Its a happy one but it doesn't quite look like me in real life. It did that day but I feel differently now.

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

Thanks Linda, it is a wonderful place to vent. Nobody else really knows what this is like and even if they've had cancer it usually isn't this one.

I mostly don't do things that could be detrimental to my health and I don't buy into the idea that cannabis can cure cancer. I'm certainly not going to smoke it. This cannabis thing is annoying but I did start taking the CBD oil the other day to see if that helps at all.

I am amazed at your co-worker who has been being treated for pancreatic cancer for four years! It's one of the quikest killers in the cancer gang. Good for him! I hope he lives a long time!

I'm planning to get some counselling if I need it. I was on anti-depressants when I was in the hospital for four months after the blood clot but went off of them after I got out of the hospital. I felt like I didn't need them. I felt like I'd walked though the fire and life had to be better after that. Now part of the reson I'm so upset and angry is because I feel like after all the crap I have to be done with this. I had the blood clot after the freaking chemo, that's got to be enough. But it isn't, apparently.

mokomapa's picture
mokomapa
Posts: 24
Joined: Jan 2010

Hi Jan.  Sorry to hear you are dealing with so much stress.  Stress is not a good thing to have even when you are feeling well.  I would encourage you not to take anything that will make you feel better for a short period of time but may have long term negative effects.  As far as dealing with spouses I believe we talked about this before.  Sometimes its hard for others to understand what we have to go through on a daily basis.  Your boss doesn't sound like a very nice person to work for.  Try not to let him bring you down or add to your stress.  Try to focus on all the positive things in your life like your daughter, horse, camaro, etc.  I'm not sure if you are a religious person but I truly believe in the power of prayer.  It's helped me through some pretty rough times.  Feel free to reach out to me anytime you need some help or someone to complain to.

Tom

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

Thank you Tom. I've been meaning to get in touch with you and see how you're doing. Well, I hope!

I am a religious person and have great faith and I never blame this on God or question why. There is a reason for everything. Having faith does not protect us from pain and heartbreak, it just gives us strength during the tough times. I saw a preview for a new show about Mennonites or somethig like that who are drug dealers or something, I'm not totally sure of the premise of the show. In the preview there was a guy saying to the pastor 'must be nice to know God is always on your side' in a sarcastic tone. The pastor replies 'must be hard... to know he's not'. I dont think I'll watch the show but I loved the response.

Talk to you soon Tom!

Easyflip's picture
Easyflip
Posts: 588
Joined: May 2013

you are having such a rough time. I think of all that you're going through the growing met is by far the most important and you should concentrate your energies there. The job and hubby will have to wait until you're done dealing with your survival. They're either on board or not but if not get out of the way and you work on getting yourself getting better. The dentist sounds like a bonehead, let his wife work on him. Your hubby sounds scared, talk about that with him. Try whatever you have to, not the time to be shy. Good luck and best wishes from me, your faith will see you through no matter what. Good luck!

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

Thank you for the support Richard. My husband is being much better and even my boss seems to be a bit ashamed. I suspect his wife has given him the third degree. I don't want special treatment from him, he hired me knowing I'd had cancer and I really appreciate that, I just don't want to be manipulated and lied to. And no matter how hard he is on me I'm much harder on myself so he doesn't need to make up numbers to try to make me feel badly about something that I don't have any control over. I'm doing the best job I can.

Yes, I'm focusing on myself. I went out and rode my horse today and it did wonders for my soul. I love him so much, he was his usual perfect self and he's a good boy who is cuddly and sweet. I am blessed to have the people and animals I have in my life. My dogs have been a huge emotional support as well.

Take care!

Jan

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Colonchick
Posts: 36
Joined: Nov 2016

There's nothing better for the inside of a man than the outside of a horse...Ronald Reagan

I love spending time out in the barn with my horses and my 3 year old when I'm blue....Hugs for Waldo

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

You have a horse, too! Aren't they wonderful creatures? We're so lucky!

Jan

Colonchick's picture
Colonchick
Posts: 36
Joined: Nov 2016

Nothing more beautiful and relaxing than watching them in the evenings! What breed do you have? I have an Arabian and Quarter horse! 

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

My boy is a half quarter horse, a quarter morgan and a quarter thoroughbred cross. He has the morgan body so he's stocky. He's a dark palomino. I adore him.

Is your horse a quarter horse/arab cross? Or do you have one of each?

Colonchick's picture
Colonchick
Posts: 36
Joined: Nov 2016

I have one of each.  I love seeing the difference between them.  The arabian is full of beauty and grace, and the Quarter horse is full of power and strength.

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

Yes, they're likely very different personality wise. My boy is very laid back. He has this cool personality where he's very in tune with people. At least he is with us. He's like a big dog. I wish we could have a place in the country again and have him close. We've had two acrages in the past but live in town now and I have to board him. It's not the same at all. I used to do things like take a book and sit in their paddock and read. It was heaven.

Jan

Helen321's picture
Helen321
Posts: 1393
Joined: May 2012

Bosses are serious idiots.  Mine weren't any better when I was sick.  They even assigned me physical labor tasks and extra projects.  I could barely function but I faked it.  It's winter too so people are less likely to go to the dentist.  I'm only going because I'm in pain or even I'd wait the weather out.  He's just a typical jerk of a boss. 

As for your husband, since he has been helpful for the most part he gets a pass but it's really just not nice.  I know you're both going through this but the truth is, you're the one going through the physical pain and others don't seem to understand that.  Hang in there my friend.  So many hard days in the cancer world.  We don't live in the regular world anymore and people who've never lived it, just don't have the slightest clue what it feels like.

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

Thanks Helen. My husband has a cold right now. He's not one of these guys that gets a man cold and acts like a baby but he's having to blow his nose a lot and is whining about that. I'm finding I'm saying things like "aw, that must be awful" just because it's the right thing to say but I actually have zero pity for him. First time he's been sick with anything in the three plus years I've been dealing with all this crap.

My boss has lightened up in the last week. It's suddenly getting busier which is normal for this time of year and he's acting like it's because of me. I'm no more responsible for it being busy now than I was for it being slow in January. Ugh.

I'm sorry your boss was a jerk. I wish some people could spend a day being me- or us- and really see what it's like. I'm getting fatigue from the new treatments and had to stop halfway through unloading the dishwasher this morning. Made me angry and I started crying. I loathe feeling helpless and depedning on others. My husband finished it without me asking and then tidied up the kitchen. This is how he usually is.

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