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JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

I don't know why but my husband asking how long I have to live and the doctor saying maybe ten years and sounding like probably not has put me in a terrible depression. I can't stop thinking about it. I know that they don't really know and I know that there could be some new thing that comes up before then but I can't stop thinking about it. I figure then I'll have maybe 8 years of relatively good health and then the last couple of years will be hell. I didn't really think I had longer than that but I thought I might make seventy years old.

I'm having such a hard time with this. Dammit, I wish he hadn't asked. I feel like my future has to all revolve around this now. Any decision I/we make has to keep this in mind. I am so upset. I just can't my mind past it. I'm having trouble at my job because of it. Another staff member was let go so I have to pick up what she was doing and I don't feel up to the extra work and stress. The fact that I still havn't gotten back to my usual self after the partial blockage isn't helping, either. All I want to do is sleep. I count the hours until I can go to bed. Not much quality of life right now. I finally went out and got groceries with my husband yesterday and had to go sit in the car halfway through because I was so fatigued.

How am I going to snap out of this?

Jan

Lovekitties's picture
Lovekitties
Posts: 3355
Joined: Jan 2010

To consider ones mortality is depressing, if the question is asked or not, it is in our subconscious at the very least from the day of our diagnosis.

What we don't consider is that any day can be our last.  Cancer is not necessarily going to be the cause of our departure from earth.

In cancer-speak, 10 years is a great number.  As you say, there is lots of time for a cure or life extending treatment to be found and implemented.

I suspect that your current lack of stamina is more the culpret of your depression.  Have you discussed this with your doctor?  Perhaps there is some dietary change which might help.  How long since a total blood work-up?  The lack of some vitamines or minerals in the system can contribute to the issues.

Set goals...be it not to go to bed before a certain hour, or walking around the house a certain number of times, or planning a reasonable bucket list for the next 10 years...being sure to add a new item when an existing one is accomplished.  Some times putting things into the future gives us the will to get to that future and beyond.

It is very difficult to get to that positive place but well worth the effort.  Concentrate on getting the most out of each day, not the number of days left.

Hugs,

Marie who loves kitties

LindaK.
Posts: 500
Joined: Apr 2013

Jan, I'm sorry you heard those words, there is nothing more shocking than to be faced with your mortality or that of a loved one.  I have found great help in both group and individual counseling.  Is that something you could look into or are interested in?  It's OK to be mad at your husband for asking and your doctor for answering.  Maybe try writing them letters to get your anger and hurt out, whether you share the words with them or not, it may do you some good in "snapping out of it"  It's your life and none of us know our expiration dates.

Linda

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
Posts: 5296
Joined: Jan 2013

Are you stubborn? I am! I was told five years, and because I'm stubborn that means 10. Tell yourself, 'If they tell me 10 then I'll make sure its 20'. 

Its like a slap in the face, I know. So, let it sting and then let it go, at least to that back part of your mind. You can revisit it and get sad, but you mustn't let it take you over. 

I'll tell you a true story. My hairdressers dad was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer and told he had a 18 months to live. He did well during chemo treatment, kept his energy up, scans looked good. Then, when his 18 months came around he sat down in his chair and gave up. His daugher asked him what the hell he was doing, and his reply was 'They gave me 18 months'. He died a couple of months later. 

The mind is a very powerful thing. You've got to control it or it will control you. 

Just remember, it is normal to feel devestated at this news, and don't be ashamed of depression, just try not to let it take over your life. Meds, council, groups help, as Linda said. Just find something that works for you. 

Big hugs! 

SUE

Kazenmax's picture
Kazenmax
Posts: 434
Joined: Feb 2016

Well that's just stunning news to have to deal with. That just blows! That would depress anyone! That being said, I wish there was something I could say to really help you.  I don't know,  I always get fatigued this time of year. It's like have to adjust to the season change. I get depressed. 

I have to believe that anything can happen to change your life.  I hope we all live long enough for a cure. Please know that I feel your pain. Hang in there. Make a liar out of that doc and live for 30 years!

K

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

Thanks you guys. Having people to whine to who undertand helps so much. I think I mentioned in another thread that I'm going to a three day cancer retreat in the mountains in a month. I'm hoping to get some ideas and help there. I think there will be lots to learn and understand. It should help a lot. I just got an email asking if everyone is okay with dogs. Dogs!! My favourite beings in the world! So excited to go.

And, yes, I am the stubborn type that thinks 'to hell with you, I'm not going to be done in ten years, you'll see' but with feeling so crappy I'm not there yet. Today I'm finally starting to feel half normal so that helps.

Thank you all! I love you guys.

Jan

John23's picture
John23
Posts: 2140
Joined: Jan 2007

Re:
"The fact that I still havn't gotten back to my usual self after the partial blockage isn't helping, either. All I want to do is sleep. I count the hours until I can go to bed."

Dehydration and low B12 and D levels, along with a lousy screwed-up electrolyte balance can do all what you're experiencing.

And it can all cause depression, not that you need a reason for that, too... But an imbalance of serotonin and melatonin due to a liver malfunction, is fairly common.

You need some time to recuperate. If your horse went through all you've gone through, and is still suffering some consequences, would you really want to race the thing? Or would you respect it's need for recovery and let it graze and rest?

Sometimes we treat our animals better that we do ourselves......

Go eat some grass.

(haha)

John

 

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

Oh John, you always make me smile, thank you. I finally feel like I'm getting on top of this. I think not eating didn't help. But it's so hard when just the idea of food makes me feel sick. A vicous cycle.

Jan

kristasplace's picture
kristasplace
Posts: 956
Joined: Oct 2007

..with what everyone else said above. Sue is so right about the whole 'stubborn' deal. My stubbornness went above and beyond to down-right anger, but not the kind where you give up; the kind that motivates into action.

You know what they say about death and taxes. None of us are getting out of life alive, but the upscale about that is that none of us know when it will happen. The only difference between cancer people and everyone else is that we're put in the situation of having to think about it. Most people don't live their lives with their imminent death hanging over their heads, and neither should we. Each upcoming scan and every visit with our doctors puts us back into that mode of wondering what's going to happen next, but we don't have to live like that. We deserve to enjoy every bit of life we can, and the only way we can do that is to not dwell on the fact we are going to die...someday.

It used to help me a lot when I'd feel down or separated from normalcy to go out in nature and just experience everything around me. I'd block everything else out and just focus on what was happening around me at that moment. I felt the sun and wind hitting my skin, I'd hear the sounds of the leaves blowing and the animals clucking or naying in the distance...It was very comforting because I knew in those moments that I was a small part of everything going on around me because I was able to experience it, and appreciate it, if nothing else. I accepted that that one moment could stay with me forever; reminding me that life is all about how we choose to experience it. It's just a series of moments, and the ones we purposely create can be re-used to comfort us in moments of isolation or depression. Distractions like that can definitely help move you into a better place mentally. 

I'd even get naked and go to a private part of the backyard and bask in the sun imagining each ray of sunshine was penetrating my skin and nourishing my healthy cells, and exploding the cancer cells. Haha! It always made me feel better to think I was being proactive with my own health.

John could be right, too. A physical cause could exasperate any mental turmoil, as one certainly affects the other. The B-12 shots I'm getting have helped a lot with my energy, which is helping me be more active. Physical activity can raise your seratonin levels and just make you feel better overall.

One more thing. I found that dwelling too much on my illness kept me feeling really low. It was one of the reasons I stayed away from CSN for so long. I could feel that it wasn't healthy for me facing so many deaths of people I cared about, or hearing other's stories of pain and agony so constantly. It can weigh heavily being reminded so often that you're "sick".  If you need to take a break from that; even if it's just a small one, it may do you some good.

I hope you find some way to break through it. Being sad all the time is no way to live.

Hugs,

Krista

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

Thanks Krista. You're right. I'm glad I'm at the point where I feel like I can get outside and do something, even some minor thing. I was so sick I felt like I had no life and I was terrified that I'd gotten into a new low physically and that was going to be my new normal. Scary stuff. I take vitamin B12 and D every day. Luckily mine can be kept at a good rate with just tablets, not shots. I wasn't taking the B12 while I was so sick, though, because I stupidly bought sublingual ones last time and was too dehydrated to even be able to dissolve them in my mouth. For some reason when I get the blockages I also get the feeling that my colon is swollen and constantly feel like I have to go to the bathroom and get fresh blood. Luckily I had a scope while I was like that and the surgeon said its irritated because sometimes the bowels get upset with not having anything to do and they do get irritated and swollen. The scope was rather uncomfortable because of it but everything looked good. And I bleed easily because of taking the blood thinners daily.

I'm starting to get on top of this emotionally. I always do when I get a setback. My surgeon had previously mentioned I'd have about thirteen years so her acting like ten was stretching it was a shock. I'm getting back into my 'yeah, we'll see' frame of mind. I survived a blood clot, stroke and catastrophic brain bleed with what they considered a 3 in a thousand chance of survival let alone being normal again. I'll fight this crap, too.

Jan

nateswife's picture
nateswife
Posts: 65
Joined: Sep 2016

What you're saying is so familiar. I was in the same place in June this year. When my onc said that he expected that I'll be on chemo for the rest of my (probably short) life, it sent my husband and I into a tailspin. I was pretty depressed and felt like why do anything, I'm just waiting to die. 

Oddly, it was a song that snapped me out of depression (that is, God used a song): "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten. The lyrics are inspiring. They reminded me that I CAN fight. Now my husband and I have turned a corner and accepted that I MAY only have a few years. I prefer knowing this worse case scenario. It's motivating us to seize the day, travel and do some of those "oh, one day..." things. 

I'm glad that you're beginning to feel better. Kick depression's butt! 

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
Posts: 5296
Joined: Jan 2013

I figured if I'm going to die (which I am, regardless) I'm going to die happy.   So I make sure to make every day a happy day.

I just hope that if the Cancer does take me, that I go quickly. I've heard such horror stories. 

SUE

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

Yes, that's what really scares me. My brother who passed away from cancer a year and a half ago suffered for months. My mom suffered for about two months but she looked like a mummy by the time she passed. Every time I see a picture of Ramses II's mummy I think of her. We have some new laws here in Canada that make it easier to have assisted suicide. That's comforting. I think I'd stop taking my blood thiners and see if I could have another blood clot. That was a great way to go. I just fell asleep.

Jan

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
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Joined: Sep 2014

I find that song inspiring, too, Nateswife! I'd feel better if we didn't have the financial worries and burdens we have. We can't afford to do anything like take a trip. We had kind of a poopy summer here in Alberta, too. so we didn't do the road trips or other things I was determined to do after two years of being so sick in the summers. Almost every day, particularly weekends, our weather would be nice in the morning and then get rainy and miserable in the afternoon. I had a week holiday from work and did nothing. My daughter and I were determined to rent paddle boats on the nearby lake but it was never nice enough. I hate doing the 'oh, there's always next year' thing when I don't know how my health might turn in the near future. Sometimes I just feel odd in my head. I've started getting migraines again after not having them for years I've had four in the past month. I don't get the pain or anything like that, I just get the aura. It makes it hard to work when I get it because it covers my vision for about 20 minutes and then it goes away. It's like a carpet of diamonds is covering my vision. If I get one while I'm driving I have to pull over until it goes away. Luckily, they've all been at work so far.

Jan

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
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Joined: Jan 2013

My husband is about to lose his job which will send us down a financial toilet.  We've always lived from pay check to pay check, and I bet we can do it on less money, BUT health insurance, I need that health insurance. That is the thing that scares me to .......  OK, just scares me. 

But, deep breath. I know stress does not help, hinders, so deep breath.  

And Ron (post beneath), yeah, sometimes life seems like the scarier option. 

SUE

nateswife's picture
nateswife
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I'm really sorry to hear that, Sue :(  Is Obamacare an option for you? I don't know much about that system, how it works and for whom. Or Medicare? 

nateswife's picture
nateswife
Posts: 65
Joined: Sep 2016

Wow, that's strange about the painless migraines. I've heard of one other person who gets them. He has a desk job but has to stop what he's doing and can't concentrate while it lasts. I'd try cannabis for that. Why not :)

That stinks about the weather in Alberta and feeling like you can't do what you want due to finances. We have a small business that isn't very profitable (mainly due to living in TAXachusetts) but it does give us the freedom to take time off. My husband and I found that our living expenses were less on the road than when we're home. We travel cheap. This summer, against my onco's advise, we took a 4 week trip to Idaho and Montana. We slept in the back of our truck, camped at free places and made our food over a camp fire and/or propane stove. We loved it so much that we're planning a longer trip for this summer. Actually, we're thinking of selling everything and hitting the road for good... Maybe just a dream but it's a good one. If I only have a few years left, they're going to be damn good ones! I'd love to see more of Canada. So far have only been to Quebec and PEI. If we hit the road, we're going straight through all the way to BC.

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
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Joined: Sep 2014

When I was really sick after the surgery my daughter got me some liquid that has the cannabis proprties that are supposed to help. I found the taste to be obnoxious. I've never been able to stand to be around anyone smoking it, I think it smells like a combination of BO and skunk.

You'll love Canada! Ontario has pretty areas, Manitoba is okay but gets boring as you head towards the prairies, then Saskatchewan is really boring, just fields and cows, the eastern part of Alberta is about the same but then you get to Calgary and the mountains are only 45 minutes west of it. BC is stunning. People are pretty nice but don't let your guard down. Always lock your vehicles and take care. Our crime rate is much less than in the states but we still have crime and it seems like people from out of town are common targets for vehicle break ins. Beware in Alberta, we have a new provincial government that has just about ruined us financially and there are thefts at places like gas stations that never used to be the case. Many businesses have closed, domestic violence and suicides are up, too. It's just getting worse. Pretty sad.

Jan

nateswife's picture
nateswife
Posts: 65
Joined: Sep 2016

Thanks for your recommendations about traveling Canada, Jan! We'd probably skip some of the long boring parts. Prairies are pretty but not for days on end. 

Some strains of cannabis are milder tasting/smelling than others, from what I've heard. We've had success with infusing cannabis in butter and then using that in baking, since I don't want to smoke anything. I can't taste it at all in bar cookies. It is really helpful for nausea, improves appetite, and has some painkilling effect. And it's a good distraction at times when I've felt miserably sick.

ron50's picture
ron50
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Joined: Nov 2001

   With all that has happened to me in that time I am more afraid of living than dying. Ron.

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
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Joined: Sep 2014

Ron, I bet. How is your quality of life these days?

Jan

Joan M's picture
Joan M
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Joined: Oct 2016

Ron,

I am sorry to hear that you are having difficulties from the treatments you recieved over the years.  Your story of survival has given me hope that I can make it for 19+ years!  I read your story and the fact that you are alive after such a long battle with cancer means that others can make it too. People like you move the science of curing cancer forward.   I pray that you have found some happiness to give you hope to continue the battle.   As I am sure you know, life can be beautiful and is worth fighting for.

You are a living miracle - Stay Strong!

God Bless  you!

Joan

PhillieG's picture
PhillieG
Posts: 4911
Joined: May 2005

I would never dream of asking my oncologist that question. They (almost always) have no idea at all how long you have to live. I've told this story a few times but not in a long time.

About 4 years ago my wife's parents, who were 80 and 85 and in good health, were getting ready to drive up by us for a Birthday Party. The went to get gas the day before the party and when they went to pull into the gas station they didn't see the large pickup truck that broadsided them. My Mother-in-law died the next morning, my Father-in-law died 3 months later. 

The point is that just because we have cancer does not mean that will eventually kill us. I've found that concept is lost on many people with cancer. Anyone of us, cancer or no cancer, can die at any time.
My post wasn't meant to cheer everyone up but it was intended as a reality check. Sorry if I offended anyone.

 

 

nateswife's picture
nateswife
Posts: 65
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No offense taken. You're right- life is tenuous. It often takes an unexpected personal tragedy to drive the point home. What a sad event for your family. It must have been really hard for your wife.

My husband and I talk freely with my onco nurse (we've gotten really close to her) about my possible life expectancy, the choices we're making because of it, the possibility of stopping treatment to have a better quality of life for a shorter time- things like that. She says that it's really unusual for patients to talk about these things. We were surprised to hear that. Why not talk about it- it's kind of the elephant in the room. And I don't think it's morbid or means that I don't love life to discuss death. 

PhillieG's picture
PhillieG
Posts: 4911
Joined: May 2005

I'm sorry to hear of your dx. It must be difficult for you and your family. It has been very tough on my wife, myself, our sons, her sisters, etc. They were here one day and basically gone the next. Life is so fragile and can change in the blink of an eye. I'm not too surprised of what your onc nurse told you about people's reaction. I agree that it's the white elephant in the room but just like treatment options, there's no right way to approach the subject. It's whatever works for you. Death isn't a pleasant subject and that's understandable. I'm not looking forward to it at this point in my journey but I've come to terms with my own mortality very many years ago. It was a great feeling for me. Maybe it's similar to when a person has a strong faith and they believe they will go to wherever their particular faith says they'll go? I wouldn't know, it's not relevant to me. I've found that I enjoy my life more and that's what matters most. I was merely offering a different, yet I believe to be realistic, way to try to approach our own mortality. It's not always easy. It certainly wasn't a "get over it" comment as I noticed it was taken by the new thread. That's one of the risks of commenting that I doubt will ever change.

Many on here don't know me since they're relatively new here. In the past I would sometimes post unusual topics for open discussion like "Has there been any good things that have happened as a result of your dx?" as well as "Do you consider yourself a victim?". There were no right or wrong answers but there were often interesting yet sometimes shocking responses. I have no plans on posting them again. There's a different audience now and I don't believe it would go over well now.

If things change in the future I think I'll probably go for quality of life but I'll cross the bridge when and if I get there. In the meantime I'll just enjoy each day and try to keep in mind that it could very well be my last.

I checked out your blog. I hope to check it out more. Incredible photos! I kept a blog for a while, I found it helpful at the time. Every once in a while I visit it just to put things into perspective again.

I wish you the verybest in your journey. 

-phil 

nateswife's picture
nateswife
Posts: 65
Joined: Sep 2016

Thanks for your kind words, Phil! And thanks for checking out my blog. It's a good way to update people in our lives- helps to answer & simplify responses to the "How are you doing?" question. I find that those responses can be long and involved and people don't always get it anyway. 

My family still hasn't fully come to terms with my diagnosis, but I understand. Before I was diagnosed I didn't know much about cancer and thought the same way that they do: that cancer is (almost) always treatable, there must be a way to fix the problem and make it go away. 

The decisions that we all have to make about treatment, and how we feel about living and dying are all so personal that it's not surprising that toes get stepped on, people take things personally anf feel hurt. This cancer journey is teaching me the importance of respecting people's feelings about these difficult decisions.

Best wishes,

Amy

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

It was definitely something I didn't want to hear out loud and I wish he'd have asked before he blurted out the question. There's really no way of answering that question but the time frame is now burned into my head. I find myself doing things like meeting senior people and thinking about how I'll never get to that age. I'm looking at things and wondering if I'll be there to see it still in ten years. Things like that. Sometimes I even wonder if it would be kinder to divorce my husband and let him live a better life without the burden of me being sick to varying degrees all the time. He'd like to retire in south America, he's dreamed about that for years, now he only can if he goes by himself. I don't know if it was a genuine dream or if we could have afforded it if I hadn't gotten sick or what but I feel like I'm holding him back. I feel like my cancer is enough of a burden on me, it shouldn't have to affect him, too.

Jan

danker
Posts: 1262
Joined: Apr 2012

Itis truely a shame how most peopledon't realize how fragile life is!!! The only time we are sure of is the past and right now.  

nateswife's picture
nateswife
Posts: 65
Joined: Sep 2016

That's sad :(  Someone wiser than me said that difficult circumstances in marriage give us a chance to serve our spouses sacrificially, which grows a deeper love than we would have otherwise. Supporting and helping you in illness gives your husband an opportunity to build character, too.

Sometimes I feel bad or guilty too about putting my husband through all of this, and just want to apologize to him. But when I'm less emotional I know that that doesn't make sense because I'm not responsible for having cancer. 

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
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Joined: Sep 2014

I have to say that it's brought us closer together than I ever would have imagined. But I still feel sorry for the burden on him.

danker
Posts: 1262
Joined: Apr 2012

Since my wife of57 years died two years ago, I am ready to go at any time.  Life without her is very lonely.  I'm ready to join her as soon as possible. At 84 I"ve lived long enough!!!

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
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Fifty seven years!! Wow! You must miss her terribly. I'm so sorry.

Jan

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
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Joined: Jan 2013

I can't imagine - though I hope it comes to furition for me and hubby - being married 57 years. 

This week, hubby and I celebrate 32 years. 

SUE

Bellen
Posts: 281
Joined: Aug 2016

Hi all - I have had the type of visual aura without the headache - I believe twice since had my reduced fulfuri chemo treatments. Find it helpful to just lay down and close my eyes. It went away fairly quickly, but I had taken a tylenol shortly after for some spinal pain I had.  Don't know what causes them.  I have had about 10 in my lifetime - usually a few years apart.  Vision becomes very splotchy.

 I am a fairly new member, but I have to just stress the strength I see in all of you and so appreciate your willingness to share your personal cancer journey and advice to help other members. Thank you so much for that.  I have not asked my Oncologist about my prognosis yet.  I think I might need some personal counseling for my husband and me before I do that.  Right now, I am trying to have a positive outlook that my CT scan will show some change with the number and size of the tumors, and that the treatment is working (Although have only had two treatments that were reduced 20, then 30% due to low WBC - taking neupogen shots right now to hopefully raise).  Most of the time I am overly emotional (tears just come - and especially when I am out, and see friends face to face.). I wish I could be stronger in that sense - not cry so easily at times - my depression about this cancer comes and goes.  Most of the time, I have a little cry and then I am okay after that.  How does one get stronger about that?  Maybe talking to someone who has experience with death and dying, or better yet living well with an incurable cancer.  Wishing you all well, and appreciate the support you have given me.

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
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Joined: Jan 2013

at the beginning of all of this, when my emotions were in a turmo, I would go to bed at night and my head felt like it was going to explode.  I had to do something. I decided thar

 I would allow myself 10 minutes of crying and thinking the worst thoughts and the no more until the next night.  it worked for me.  

Cancer is an emotional and physical roller coaster.  

SUE

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

I don't know how a person gets stringer dealing with this. I think it just happens eventually. You either deal with it and keep on living or you crumble and ruin the life you have now. Yes, there are days when I just want to lie down and cry until I can't cry any more tears. But most days I just get through it and don't think about it and live my life as best I can. It's not how my life was a few years ago before diagnosis, I'm exhausted all the time and struggle to find the strngth to get out and do things but it's what I have. And the truth is that my lack of ebergy isn't entirely to do with having had cancer. I'm still weak in areas from the stroke/blood clot thing and I'm waiting to see what can be done for my parathyroid tumour which is likely the worst thing I'm dealing with right now as far as lack of energy. Both my family doctor and my endocrinologist said most people with my level of calcium from the parathyroid tumour would be bedridden. So may be if we can get that sorted out I'll feel fabulous. who knows.

Jan

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
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Joined: Jan 2013

So may be if we can get that sorted out I'll feel fabulous. who knows.

You may not feel fabulous, but you sure do look it.

Love the new avatar!

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
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Joined: Sep 2014

Aw, thanks Sue! It kind of bothered me that the one I had was pre cancer and sometimes I'd look at it and think 'yeah, you poor bugger, you have no idea what's coming'. Althoug I liked having my precious boy in the picture with me. Sometimes I need a reminder that when I feel like crap from the blockages it's temporary and this is how I normally feel.

Jan 

Helen321's picture
Helen321
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Joined: May 2012

Hey Jan, I'm sorry you're going through a depression.  I think we've all been where you are now.  I just don't get why doctors "predict" how long people will livee.  The proper answer to that should be I can't predict the future any more than anyone else.  It's the old God complex.  And the fact is, he really can't predict the future.  Just keep doing the best that you can, that's all you can do.  I don't know if it will help you but I used to take naps at lunch time.  There is a closet in my office and I used to lay on the floor in there on a jacket and I had a mini pillow in my desk.  It got me through some very hard days.  We're not supposed to sleep at work but offices legally have to make medical accomodations for people and at that time I really needed to sleep for my health.  Also my friends at work were nice enough to pick up my work when I couldn't do it.  They did it unofficially but they did it.  If you have a person at work that you are close to, talk to her and see if she can help you. It's 430am so I didn't get to read the whole string but I don't think at this age any of us get stronger, we just learn to deal with what we've been given and manage day to day.  I'm sure not stronger three years out from surgery, I find things I used to find easy so difficult now. I"m just trying to cope.   I hope you get some relief from the feelings soon. Helen

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Helen321
Posts: 1410
Joined: May 2012

Also I love your new avitar, it's nice to see your face=)  You have a beautiful smile and love the hair!  So vibrant. 

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

Thanks Helen, you're so sweet. The office I work in is small and there's barely room for us to have lunch in the dinky little lunchroom so laying down isn't an option unless I did it in my car. Now that it's late fall that's not an option, either. One day I was so miserable I sat in the waiting room huddled in my jacket. Unfortunately. it seems like if they have an appointment at 1 pm the patient will always show up early so my lunch hour almost always ends early. I'm glad to know they've arrived but its really annoying. Often a patient runs late and I miss the first part of my lunch hour and amd trying to eat before anybody else comes in and then they arrive early. But, I should win an Academy Award for acting like it's no big deal. If I put a sign in the door saying we're closed until 1 pm- which my boss provided me with- they'll knock on the door.

I miss having my own business. Thanks for taking that away, too, cancer, you a*****e.

Jan  

beaumontdave's picture
beaumontdave
Posts: 1090
Joined: Aug 2013

Boy this thread has covered some ground. Back in October last year I mentioned that my pop[88] was stopping treatment for prostate cancer and was told he had 2 or 3 months left. They did more tests and he came by after a VA appointment specifically to tell me it was now 2 to 3.......years he had left. Even though he stopped treatment himself, when told he had that much "extra" time left, you could see and feel the relief. Just after Christmas, he had a stroke which was actually the mets massing in his head, as we found out later. Ten days in hospice unconscious, then he slipped away. The point of the story is that he said he was ready to go, but still felt much better when he thought he had years left. Some folks may want a measure taken of their time left, to make plans or whatever, but I don't want anyone planting a number in my head, as Jan now has. If a doctor tries, he better lie like hell, or he's going to have a very angry patient on his hands.......................................Dave

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

There are always stories about people living long past when they should and people not living as long as they should. Rarely do they cooperate and die when the docotr says they will. Unless they only have a few months I doubt its accurate very often. I'm glad to say I'm past what she said at this point. My family doctor said a few things that made me feel better and I'll take what I can get when it comes to hope.

He reminded me that they still don't know if the spots are cancer and they never will. Unless they do a biopsy they won't be 100% sure. With being on blood thinners that wasn't an option. He said he's seen too often when it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck but isn't a duck. He also said he has several patients with cancer who are alive and doing okay years after he thought they'd have passed. He said it a bit startling when he walks in a room and they're sitting there and he almost blurts out "oh! Your'e still alive!". He's in his fifties so he's been around the block a few times and he is very up to date on cancer and goes to all the seminars that are offered. he also said that there's something he sees that he can't quite put his finger on when he has a patient with cancer in their lung and I don't present that way. He said it's just a gut feeling but he doesn't think I have it. He's not a bs kind of guy and is very respected in our town. I know he's not giving me any proof of anything but if it makes me feel better and reduces my stress and hence reduces any damage to my immune system, I'll take it. It will be what it will be but I don't want to live feeling like I have a black cloud over my head.

So maybe I'm being foolish listening to him but I choose to have hope. He's given me some and that makes me happy.

Jan 

mokomapa's picture
mokomapa
Posts: 24
Joined: Jan 2010

I've been away from the site for a while and I was sorry to hear you have been depressed.  If you remember you helped me through some tough days a couple months ago.  I know how hard it can be especially when you hear something like that from your doctor.  I don't believe anyone can predict what is going to happen in the next 10 years.  Treatments can change, drugs changes, heck they may even have a cure for this s*#t by then.  There are some wonderful people on this site and you are on of them.  Enjoy every day, live life with passion, and never forget how important you are to so many people.

Tom

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

You're sweet Tom, thank you. Funny, I was on here last night and was wondering how you've been doing. I noticed you hadn't been on and I was hoping that you'd found a happy place, or at least someplace mentally/emotionally you can deal with. I'm pretty much over what she said at this point but it sure shook me up for a while there. It's just words but it haunts a person. And even if I only have ten years that's a lot longer than many people get. I can't complain.

Jan 

mokomapa's picture
mokomapa
Posts: 24
Joined: Jan 2010

I'm glad to hear that you are feeling better.  I'm doing well, thanks for thinking of me.   Just trying to keep busy and not to let those negative thoughts creep into my head.  Lets just realize that we all have times like that but it will always get better.  Keep strong, enjoy life, and be happy!

Tom

beaumontdave's picture
beaumontdave
Posts: 1090
Joined: Aug 2013

Hope is what we live on, I'll take it anywhere it presents itself. There's some comfort in knowing I can't be knocked for a loop like the day I was diagnosed. I may stress on future bad news, but I'm of a different mindset now. I look things in the eye that make the unaware flinch and swerve. I'd like to say that I live unafraid, but that wouldn't be true. Moods and moments still grip me, but I know I live less afraid. Losing control is less frightening because I know I never had much,so if Life wants to show me the neat stuff, I'm up for it. If it wants to crap on me some more, fine, screw you too. I don't know if it's a totally healthy perspective, but I do find comfort in it. Optimistical cynicism?.........................................Dave

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

I think that's a healthy attitude Dave. We can't live in depression forever, we have to snap out of it eventually unless we actually have real depression which is another matter entirely. Yes, sometimes I'm sad or angry. I find that I'll see someone who really does abuse their body and seems fine and I feel a flare of resentment. But they'll pay the piper eventually. Nobody gets out alive.

I find that I look at my husband and I feel a bit put out. I love him and certainly don't want to see him sick but he eats crap and smokes and he's never sick. Not even if a virus or flu goes around. What the heck? It would be nice if he could just get good and sick once in a while so he could sympathize more with how I feel. He sympathizes but doesn't really get it and sometimes he'll get annoyed with me. Then I tell him the only thing worse than having to live with someone who has limitations because of their health is being the person with the limitations.

Anyway Dave, good for you for your attitude.

Jan

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