Depressed, just unloading here

JanJan63

ron50 said:

I have survived cancer for nearly 19 years.

   With all that has happened to me in that time I am more afraid of living than dying. Ron.

Ron, I bet. How is your

Ron, I bet. How is your quality of life these days?

Jan

JanJan63

PhillieG said:

Death...Everyone's doing it

I would never dream of asking my oncologist that question. They (almost always) have no idea at all how long you have to live. I've told this story a few times but not in a long time.

About 4 years ago my wife's parents, who were 80 and 85 and in good health, were getting ready to drive up by us for a Birthday Party. The went to get gas the day before the party and when they went to pull into the gas station they didn't see the large pickup truck that broadsided them. My Mother-in-law died the next morning, my Father-in-law died 3 months later. 

The point is that just because we have cancer does not mean that will eventually kill us. I've found that concept is lost on many people with cancer. Anyone of us, cancer or no cancer, can die at any time.
My post wasn't meant to cheer everyone up but it was intended as a reality check. Sorry if I offended anyone.

 

 

It was definitely something I

It was definitely something I didn't want to hear out loud and I wish he'd have asked before he blurted out the question. There's really no way of answering that question but the time frame is now burned into my head. I find myself doing things like meeting senior people and thinking about how I'll never get to that age. I'm looking at things and wondering if I'll be there to see it still in ten years. Things like that. Sometimes I even wonder if it would be kinder to divorce my husband and let him live a better life without the burden of me being sick to varying degrees all the time. He'd like to retire in south America, he's dreamed about that for years, now he only can if he goes by himself. I don't know if it was a genuine dream or if we could have afforded it if I hadn't gotten sick or what but I feel like I'm holding him back. I feel like my cancer is enough of a burden on me, it shouldn't have to affect him, too.

Jan

PhillieG

nateswife said:

No offense taken. You're

No offense taken. You're right- life is tenuous. It often takes an unexpected personal tragedy to drive the point home. What a sad event for your family. It must have been really hard for your wife.

My husband and I talk freely with my onco nurse (we've gotten really close to her) about my possible life expectancy, the choices we're making because of it, the possibility of stopping treatment to have a better quality of life for a shorter time- things like that. She says that it's really unusual for patients to talk about these things. We were surprised to hear that. Why not talk about it- it's kind of the elephant in the room. And I don't think it's morbid or means that I don't love life to discuss death. 

Glad someone got the point :-)

I'm sorry to hear of your dx. It must be difficult for you and your family. It has been very tough on my wife, myself, our sons, her sisters, etc. They were here one day and basically gone the next. Life is so fragile and can change in the blink of an eye. I'm not too surprised of what your onc nurse told you about people's reaction. I agree that it's the white elephant in the room but just like treatment options, there's no right way to approach the subject. It's whatever works for you. Death isn't a pleasant subject and that's understandable. I'm not looking forward to it at this point in my journey but I've come to terms with my own mortality very many years ago. It was a great feeling for me. Maybe it's similar to when a person has a strong faith and they believe they will go to wherever their particular faith says they'll go? I wouldn't know, it's not relevant to me. I've found that I enjoy my life more and that's what matters most. I was merely offering a different, yet I believe to be realistic, way to try to approach our own mortality. It's not always easy. It certainly wasn't a "get over it" comment as I noticed it was taken by the new thread. That's one of the risks of commenting that I doubt will ever change.

Many on here don't know me since they're relatively new here. In the past I would sometimes post unusual topics for open discussion like "Has there been any good things that have happened as a result of your dx?" as well as "Do you consider yourself a victim?". There were no right or wrong answers but there were often interesting yet sometimes shocking responses. I have no plans on posting them again. There's a different audience now and I don't believe it would go over well now.

If things change in the future I think I'll probably go for quality of life but I'll cross the bridge when and if I get there. In the meantime I'll just enjoy each day and try to keep in mind that it could very well be my last.

I checked out your blog. I hope to check it out more. Incredible photos! I kept a blog for a while, I found it helpful at the time. Every once in a while I visit it just to put things into perspective again.

I wish you the verybest in your journey. 

-phil 

nateswife

JanJan63 said:

When I was really sick after

When I was really sick after the surgery my daughter got me some liquid that has the cannabis proprties that are supposed to help. I found the taste to be obnoxious. I've never been able to stand to be around anyone smoking it, I think it smells like a combination of BO and skunk.

You'll love Canada! Ontario has pretty areas, Manitoba is okay but gets boring as you head towards the prairies, then Saskatchewan is really boring, just fields and cows, the eastern part of Alberta is about the same but then you get to Calgary and the mountains are only 45 minutes west of it. BC is stunning. People are pretty nice but don't let your guard down. Always lock your vehicles and take care. Our crime rate is much less than in the states but we still have crime and it seems like people from out of town are common targets for vehicle break ins. Beware in Alberta, we have a new provincial government that has just about ruined us financially and there are thefts at places like gas stations that never used to be the case. Many businesses have closed, domestic violence and suicides are up, too. It's just getting worse. Pretty sad.

Jan

Thanks for your

Thanks for your recommendations about traveling Canada, Jan! We'd probably skip some of the long boring parts. Prairies are pretty but not for days on end. 

Some strains of cannabis are milder tasting/smelling than others, from what I've heard. We've had success with infusing cannabis in butter and then using that in baking, since I don't want to smoke anything. I can't taste it at all in bar cookies. It is really helpful for nausea, improves appetite, and has some painkilling effect. And it's a good distraction at times when I've felt miserably sick.

nateswife

PhillieG said:

Glad someone got the point :-)

I'm sorry to hear of your dx. It must be difficult for you and your family. It has been very tough on my wife, myself, our sons, her sisters, etc. They were here one day and basically gone the next. Life is so fragile and can change in the blink of an eye. I'm not too surprised of what your onc nurse told you about people's reaction. I agree that it's the white elephant in the room but just like treatment options, there's no right way to approach the subject. It's whatever works for you. Death isn't a pleasant subject and that's understandable. I'm not looking forward to it at this point in my journey but I've come to terms with my own mortality very many years ago. It was a great feeling for me. Maybe it's similar to when a person has a strong faith and they believe they will go to wherever their particular faith says they'll go? I wouldn't know, it's not relevant to me. I've found that I enjoy my life more and that's what matters most. I was merely offering a different, yet I believe to be realistic, way to try to approach our own mortality. It's not always easy. It certainly wasn't a "get over it" comment as I noticed it was taken by the new thread. That's one of the risks of commenting that I doubt will ever change.

Many on here don't know me since they're relatively new here. In the past I would sometimes post unusual topics for open discussion like "Has there been any good things that have happened as a result of your dx?" as well as "Do you consider yourself a victim?". There were no right or wrong answers but there were often interesting yet sometimes shocking responses. I have no plans on posting them again. There's a different audience now and I don't believe it would go over well now.

If things change in the future I think I'll probably go for quality of life but I'll cross the bridge when and if I get there. In the meantime I'll just enjoy each day and try to keep in mind that it could very well be my last.

I checked out your blog. I hope to check it out more. Incredible photos! I kept a blog for a while, I found it helpful at the time. Every once in a while I visit it just to put things into perspective again.

I wish you the verybest in your journey. 

-phil 

Thanks for your kind words,

Thanks for your kind words, Phil! And thanks for checking out my blog. It's a good way to update people in our lives- helps to answer & simplify responses to the "How are you doing?" question. I find that those responses can be long and involved and people don't always get it anyway. 

My family still hasn't fully come to terms with my diagnosis, but I understand. Before I was diagnosed I didn't know much about cancer and thought the same way that they do: that cancer is (almost) always treatable, there must be a way to fix the problem and make it go away. 

The decisions that we all have to make about treatment, and how we feel about living and dying are all so personal that it's not surprising that toes get stepped on, people take things personally anf feel hurt. This cancer journey is teaching me the importance of respecting people's feelings about these difficult decisions.

Best wishes,

Amy

nateswife

That's sad  Someone wiser

That's sad  Someone wiser than me said that difficult circumstances in marriage give us a chance to serve our spouses sacrificially, which grows a deeper love than we would have otherwise. Supporting and helping you in illness gives your husband an opportunity to build character, too.

Sometimes I feel bad or guilty too about putting my husband through all of this, and just want to apologize to him. But when I'm less emotional I know that that doesn't make sense because I'm not responsible for having cancer. 

danker

death

Since my wife of57 years died two years ago, I am ready to go at any time.  Life without her is very lonely.  I'm ready to join her as soon as possible. At 84 I"ve lived long enough!!!

JanJan63

nateswife said:

That's sad  Someone wiser

That's sad  Someone wiser than me said that difficult circumstances in marriage give us a chance to serve our spouses sacrificially, which grows a deeper love than we would have otherwise. Supporting and helping you in illness gives your husband an opportunity to build character, too.

Sometimes I feel bad or guilty too about putting my husband through all of this, and just want to apologize to him. But when I'm less emotional I know that that doesn't make sense because I'm not responsible for having cancer. 

I have to say that it's

I have to say that it's brought us closer together than I ever would have imagined. But I still feel sorry for the burden on him.

JanJan63

danker said:

death

Since my wife of57 years died two years ago, I am ready to go at any time.  Life without her is very lonely.  I'm ready to join her as soon as possible. At 84 I"ve lived long enough!!!

Fifty seven years!! Wow! You

Fifty seven years!! Wow! You must miss her terribly. I'm so sorry.

Jan

Trubrit

danker said:

death

Since my wife of57 years died two years ago, I am ready to go at any time.  Life without her is very lonely.  I'm ready to join her as soon as possible. At 84 I"ve lived long enough!!!

I am 57

I can't imagine - though I hope it comes to furition for me and hubby - being married 57 years. 

This week, hubby and I celebrate 32 years. 

SUE

Bellen

Aura and thoughts

Hi all - I have had the type of visual aura without the headache - I believe twice since had my reduced fulfuri chemo treatments. Find it helpful to just lay down and close my eyes. It went away fairly quickly, but I had taken a tylenol shortly after for some spinal pain I had.  Don't know what causes them.  I have had about 10 in my lifetime - usually a few years apart.  Vision becomes very splotchy.

 I am a fairly new member, but I have to just stress the strength I see in all of you and so appreciate your willingness to share your personal cancer journey and advice to help other members. Thank you so much for that.  I have not asked my Oncologist about my prognosis yet.  I think I might need some personal counseling for my husband and me before I do that.  Right now, I am trying to have a positive outlook that my CT scan will show some change with the number and size of the tumors, and that the treatment is working (Although have only had two treatments that were reduced 20, then 30% due to low WBC - taking neupogen shots right now to hopefully raise).  Most of the time I am overly emotional (tears just come - and especially when I am out, and see friends face to face.). I wish I could be stronger in that sense - not cry so easily at times - my depression about this cancer comes and goes.  Most of the time, I have a little cry and then I am okay after that.  How does one get stronger about that?  Maybe talking to someone who has experience with death and dying, or better yet living well with an incurable cancer.  Wishing you all well, and appreciate the support you have given me.

Trubrit

Bellen said:

Aura and thoughts

Hi all - I have had the type of visual aura without the headache - I believe twice since had my reduced fulfuri chemo treatments. Find it helpful to just lay down and close my eyes. It went away fairly quickly, but I had taken a tylenol shortly after for some spinal pain I had.  Don't know what causes them.  I have had about 10 in my lifetime - usually a few years apart.  Vision becomes very splotchy.

 I am a fairly new member, but I have to just stress the strength I see in all of you and so appreciate your willingness to share your personal cancer journey and advice to help other members. Thank you so much for that.  I have not asked my Oncologist about my prognosis yet.  I think I might need some personal counseling for my husband and me before I do that.  Right now, I am trying to have a positive outlook that my CT scan will show some change with the number and size of the tumors, and that the treatment is working (Although have only had two treatments that were reduced 20, then 30% due to low WBC - taking neupogen shots right now to hopefully raise).  Most of the time I am overly emotional (tears just come - and especially when I am out, and see friends face to face.). I wish I could be stronger in that sense - not cry so easily at times - my depression about this cancer comes and goes.  Most of the time, I have a little cry and then I am okay after that.  How does one get stronger about that?  Maybe talking to someone who has experience with death and dying, or better yet living well with an incurable cancer.  Wishing you all well, and appreciate the support you have given me.

The 10 minute rule

at the beginning of all of this, when my emotions were in a turmo, I would go to bed at night and my head felt like it was going to explode.  I had to do something. I decided thar

 I would allow myself 10 minutes of crying and thinking the worst thoughts and the no more until the next night.  it worked for me.  

Cancer is an emotional and physical roller coaster.  

SUE

JanJan63

Bellen said:

Aura and thoughts

Hi all - I have had the type of visual aura without the headache - I believe twice since had my reduced fulfuri chemo treatments. Find it helpful to just lay down and close my eyes. It went away fairly quickly, but I had taken a tylenol shortly after for some spinal pain I had.  Don't know what causes them.  I have had about 10 in my lifetime - usually a few years apart.  Vision becomes very splotchy.

 I am a fairly new member, but I have to just stress the strength I see in all of you and so appreciate your willingness to share your personal cancer journey and advice to help other members. Thank you so much for that.  I have not asked my Oncologist about my prognosis yet.  I think I might need some personal counseling for my husband and me before I do that.  Right now, I am trying to have a positive outlook that my CT scan will show some change with the number and size of the tumors, and that the treatment is working (Although have only had two treatments that were reduced 20, then 30% due to low WBC - taking neupogen shots right now to hopefully raise).  Most of the time I am overly emotional (tears just come - and especially when I am out, and see friends face to face.). I wish I could be stronger in that sense - not cry so easily at times - my depression about this cancer comes and goes.  Most of the time, I have a little cry and then I am okay after that.  How does one get stronger about that?  Maybe talking to someone who has experience with death and dying, or better yet living well with an incurable cancer.  Wishing you all well, and appreciate the support you have given me.

I don't know how a person

I don't know how a person gets stringer dealing with this. I think it just happens eventually. You either deal with it and keep on living or you crumble and ruin the life you have now. Yes, there are days when I just want to lie down and cry until I can't cry any more tears. But most days I just get through it and don't think about it and live my life as best I can. It's not how my life was a few years ago before diagnosis, I'm exhausted all the time and struggle to find the strngth to get out and do things but it's what I have. And the truth is that my lack of ebergy isn't entirely to do with having had cancer. I'm still weak in areas from the stroke/blood clot thing and I'm waiting to see what can be done for my parathyroid tumour which is likely the worst thing I'm dealing with right now as far as lack of energy. Both my family doctor and my endocrinologist said most people with my level of calcium from the parathyroid tumour would be bedridden. So may be if we can get that sorted out I'll feel fabulous. who knows.

Jan

danker

PhillieG said:

Death...Everyone's doing it

I would never dream of asking my oncologist that question. They (almost always) have no idea at all how long you have to live. I've told this story a few times but not in a long time.

About 4 years ago my wife's parents, who were 80 and 85 and in good health, were getting ready to drive up by us for a Birthday Party. The went to get gas the day before the party and when they went to pull into the gas station they didn't see the large pickup truck that broadsided them. My Mother-in-law died the next morning, my Father-in-law died 3 months later. 

The point is that just because we have cancer does not mean that will eventually kill us. I've found that concept is lost on many people with cancer. Anyone of us, cancer or no cancer, can die at any time.
My post wasn't meant to cheer everyone up but it was intended as a reality check. Sorry if I offended anyone.

 

 

Death

Itis truely a shame how most peopledon't realize how fragile life is!!! The only time we are sure of is the past and right now.  

Trubrit

JanJan63 said:

I don't know how a person

I don't know how a person gets stringer dealing with this. I think it just happens eventually. You either deal with it and keep on living or you crumble and ruin the life you have now. Yes, there are days when I just want to lie down and cry until I can't cry any more tears. But most days I just get through it and don't think about it and live my life as best I can. It's not how my life was a few years ago before diagnosis, I'm exhausted all the time and struggle to find the strngth to get out and do things but it's what I have. And the truth is that my lack of ebergy isn't entirely to do with having had cancer. I'm still weak in areas from the stroke/blood clot thing and I'm waiting to see what can be done for my parathyroid tumour which is likely the worst thing I'm dealing with right now as far as lack of energy. Both my family doctor and my endocrinologist said most people with my level of calcium from the parathyroid tumour would be bedridden. So may be if we can get that sorted out I'll feel fabulous. who knows.

Jan

Ab Fab!

So may be if we can get that sorted out I'll feel fabulous. who knows.

You may not feel fabulous, but you sure do look it.

Love the new avatar!

Helen321

Hey Jan, I'm sorry you're

Hey Jan, I'm sorry you're going through a depression.  I think we've all been where you are now.  I just don't get why doctors "predict" how long people will livee.  The proper answer to that should be I can't predict the future any more than anyone else.  It's the old God complex.  And the fact is, he really can't predict the future.  Just keep doing the best that you can, that's all you can do.  I don't know if it will help you but I used to take naps at lunch time.  There is a closet in my office and I used to lay on the floor in there on a jacket and I had a mini pillow in my desk.  It got me through some very hard days.  We're not supposed to sleep at work but offices legally have to make medical accomodations for people and at that time I really needed to sleep for my health.  Also my friends at work were nice enough to pick up my work when I couldn't do it.  They did it unofficially but they did it.  If you have a person at work that you are close to, talk to her and see if she can help you. It's 430am so I didn't get to read the whole string but I don't think at this age any of us get stronger, we just learn to deal with what we've been given and manage day to day.  I'm sure not stronger three years out from surgery, I find things I used to find easy so difficult now. I"m just trying to cope.   I hope you get some relief from the feelings soon. Helen

Helen321

Also I love your new avitar,

Also I love your new avitar, it's nice to see your face=)  You have a beautiful smile and love the hair!  So vibrant. 

JanJan63

Trubrit said:

Ab Fab!

So may be if we can get that sorted out I'll feel fabulous. who knows.

You may not feel fabulous, but you sure do look it.

Love the new avatar!

Aw, thanks Sue! It kind of

Aw, thanks Sue! It kind of bothered me that the one I had was pre cancer and sometimes I'd look at it and think 'yeah, you poor bugger, you have no idea what's coming'. Althoug I liked having my precious boy in the picture with me. Sometimes I need a reminder that when I feel like crap from the blockages it's temporary and this is how I normally feel.

Jan 

JanJan63

Helen321 said:

Also I love your new avitar,

Also I love your new avitar, it's nice to see your face=)  You have a beautiful smile and love the hair!  So vibrant. 

Thanks Helen, you're so sweet

Thanks Helen, you're so sweet. The office I work in is small and there's barely room for us to have lunch in the dinky little lunchroom so laying down isn't an option unless I did it in my car. Now that it's late fall that's not an option, either. One day I was so miserable I sat in the waiting room huddled in my jacket. Unfortunately. it seems like if they have an appointment at 1 pm the patient will always show up early so my lunch hour almost always ends early. I'm glad to know they've arrived but its really annoying. Often a patient runs late and I miss the first part of my lunch hour and amd trying to eat before anybody else comes in and then they arrive early. But, I should win an Academy Award for acting like it's no big deal. If I put a sign in the door saying we're closed until 1 pm- which my boss provided me with- they'll knock on the door.

I miss having my own business. Thanks for taking that away, too, cancer, you a*****e.

Jan  

beaumontdave

Boy this thread has covered

Boy this thread has covered some ground. Back in October last year I mentioned that my pop[88] was stopping treatment for prostate cancer and was told he had 2 or 3 months left. They did more tests and he came by after a VA appointment specifically to tell me it was now 2 to 3.......years he had left. Even though he stopped treatment himself, when told he had that much "extra" time left, you could see and feel the relief. Just after Christmas, he had a stroke which was actually the mets massing in his head, as we found out later. Ten days in hospice unconscious, then he slipped away. The point of the story is that he said he was ready to go, but still felt much better when he thought he had years left. Some folks may want a measure taken of their time left, to make plans or whatever, but I don't want anyone planting a number in my head, as Jan now has. If a doctor tries, he better lie like hell, or he's going to have a very angry patient on his hands.......................................Dave