Depressed, just unloading here

JanJan63

I don't know why but my husband asking how long I have to live and the doctor saying maybe ten years and sounding like probably not has put me in a terrible depression. I can't stop thinking about it. I know that they don't really know and I know that there could be some new thing that comes up before then but I can't stop thinking about it. I figure then I'll have maybe 8 years of relatively good health and then the last couple of years will be hell. I didn't really think I had longer than that but I thought I might make seventy years old.

I'm having such a hard time with this. Dammit, I wish he hadn't asked. I feel like my future has to all revolve around this now. Any decision I/we make has to keep this in mind. I am so upset. I just can't my mind past it. I'm having trouble at my job because of it. Another staff member was let go so I have to pick up what she was doing and I don't feel up to the extra work and stress. The fact that I still havn't gotten back to my usual self after the partial blockage isn't helping, either. All I want to do is sleep. I count the hours until I can go to bed. Not much quality of life right now. I finally went out and got groceries with my husband yesterday and had to go sit in the car halfway through because I was so fatigued.

How am I going to snap out of this?

Jan

Lovekitties

Understandable

To consider ones mortality is depressing, if the question is asked or not, it is in our subconscious at the very least from the day of our diagnosis.

What we don't consider is that any day can be our last.  Cancer is not necessarily going to be the cause of our departure from earth.

In cancer-speak, 10 years is a great number.  As you say, there is lots of time for a cure or life extending treatment to be found and implemented.

I suspect that your current lack of stamina is more the culpret of your depression.  Have you discussed this with your doctor?  Perhaps there is some dietary change which might help.  How long since a total blood work-up?  The lack of some vitamines or minerals in the system can contribute to the issues.

Set goals...be it not to go to bed before a certain hour, or walking around the house a certain number of times, or planning a reasonable bucket list for the next 10 years...being sure to add a new item when an existing one is accomplished.  Some times putting things into the future gives us the will to get to that future and beyond.

It is very difficult to get to that positive place but well worth the effort.  Concentrate on getting the most out of each day, not the number of days left.

Hugs,

Marie who loves kitties

LindaK.

Dates

Jan, I'm sorry you heard those words, there is nothing more shocking than to be faced with your mortality or that of a loved one.  I have found great help in both group and individual counseling.  Is that something you could look into or are interested in?  It's OK to be mad at your husband for asking and your doctor for answering.  Maybe try writing them letters to get your anger and hurt out, whether you share the words with them or not, it may do you some good in "snapping out of it"  It's your life and none of us know our expiration dates.

Linda

Trubrit

Stubborn

Are you stubborn? I am! I was told five years, and because I'm stubborn that means 10. Tell yourself, 'If they tell me 10 then I'll make sure its 20'. 

Its like a slap in the face, I know. So, let it sting and then let it go, at least to that back part of your mind. You can revisit it and get sad, but you mustn't let it take you over. 

I'll tell you a true story. My hairdressers dad was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer and told he had a 18 months to live. He did well during chemo treatment, kept his energy up, scans looked good. Then, when his 18 months came around he sat down in his chair and gave up. His daugher asked him what the hell he was doing, and his reply was 'They gave me 18 months'. He died a couple of months later. 

The mind is a very powerful thing. You've got to control it or it will control you. 

Just remember, it is normal to feel devestated at this news, and don't be ashamed of depression, just try not to let it take over your life. Meds, council, groups help, as Linda said. Just find something that works for you. 

Big hugs! 

SUE

Kazenmax

Wow

Well that's just stunning news to have to deal with. That just blows! That would depress anyone! That being said, I wish there was something I could say to really help you.  I don't know,  I always get fatigued this time of year. It's like have to adjust to the season change. I get depressed. 

I have to believe that anything can happen to change your life.  I hope we all live long enough for a cure. Please know that I feel your pain. Hang in there. Make a liar out of that doc and live for 30 years!

K

JanJan63

Thanks you guys. Having

Thanks you guys. Having people to whine to who undertand helps so much. I think I mentioned in another thread that I'm going to a three day cancer retreat in the mountains in a month. I'm hoping to get some ideas and help there. I think there will be lots to learn and understand. It should help a lot. I just got an email asking if everyone is okay with dogs. Dogs!! My favourite beings in the world! So excited to go.

And, yes, I am the stubborn type that thinks 'to hell with you, I'm not going to be done in ten years, you'll see' but with feeling so crappy I'm not there yet. Today I'm finally starting to feel half normal so that helps.

Thank you all! I love you guys.

Jan

John23

Fatigue, depression, and worn down, oh my.

Re:
"The fact that I still havn't gotten back to my usual self after the partial blockage isn't helping, either. All I want to do is sleep. I count the hours until I can go to bed."

Dehydration and low B12 and D levels, along with a lousy screwed-up electrolyte balance can do all what you're experiencing.

And it can all cause depression, not that you need a reason for that, too... But an imbalance of serotonin and melatonin due to a liver malfunction, is fairly common.

You need some time to recuperate. If your horse went through all you've gone through, and is still suffering some consequences, would you really want to race the thing? Or would you respect it's need for recovery and let it graze and rest?

Sometimes we treat our animals better that we do ourselves......

Go eat some grass.

(haha)

John

 

kristasplace

I agree...

..with what everyone else said above. Sue is so right about the whole 'stubborn' deal. My stubbornness went above and beyond to down-right anger, but not the kind where you give up; the kind that motivates into action.

You know what they say about death and taxes. None of us are getting out of life alive, but the upscale about that is that none of us know when it will happen. The only difference between cancer people and everyone else is that we're put in the situation of having to think about it. Most people don't live their lives with their imminent death hanging over their heads, and neither should we. Each upcoming scan and every visit with our doctors puts us back into that mode of wondering what's going to happen next, but we don't have to live like that. We deserve to enjoy every bit of life we can, and the only way we can do that is to not dwell on the fact we are going to die...someday.

It used to help me a lot when I'd feel down or separated from normalcy to go out in nature and just experience everything around me. I'd block everything else out and just focus on what was happening around me at that moment. I felt the sun and wind hitting my skin, I'd hear the sounds of the leaves blowing and the animals clucking or naying in the distance...It was very comforting because I knew in those moments that I was a small part of everything going on around me because I was able to experience it, and appreciate it, if nothing else. I accepted that that one moment could stay with me forever; reminding me that life is all about how we choose to experience it. It's just a series of moments, and the ones we purposely create can be re-used to comfort us in moments of isolation or depression. Distractions like that can definitely help move you into a better place mentally. 

I'd even get naked and go to a private part of the backyard and bask in the sun imagining each ray of sunshine was penetrating my skin and nourishing my healthy cells, and exploding the cancer cells. Haha! It always made me feel better to think I was being proactive with my own health.

John could be right, too. A physical cause could exasperate any mental turmoil, as one certainly affects the other. The B-12 shots I'm getting have helped a lot with my energy, which is helping me be more active. Physical activity can raise your seratonin levels and just make you feel better overall.

One more thing. I found that dwelling too much on my illness kept me feeling really low. It was one of the reasons I stayed away from CSN for so long. I could feel that it wasn't healthy for me facing so many deaths of people I cared about, or hearing other's stories of pain and agony so constantly. It can weigh heavily being reminded so often that you're "sick".  If you need to take a break from that; even if it's just a small one, it may do you some good.

I hope you find some way to break through it. Being sad all the time is no way to live.

Hugs,

Krista

JanJan63

John23 said:

Fatigue, depression, and worn down, oh my.

Re:
"The fact that I still havn't gotten back to my usual self after the partial blockage isn't helping, either. All I want to do is sleep. I count the hours until I can go to bed."

Dehydration and low B12 and D levels, along with a lousy screwed-up electrolyte balance can do all what you're experiencing.

And it can all cause depression, not that you need a reason for that, too... But an imbalance of serotonin and melatonin due to a liver malfunction, is fairly common.

You need some time to recuperate. If your horse went through all you've gone through, and is still suffering some consequences, would you really want to race the thing? Or would you respect it's need for recovery and let it graze and rest?

Sometimes we treat our animals better that we do ourselves......

Go eat some grass.

(haha)

John

 

Oh John, you always make me

Oh John, you always make me smile, thank you. I finally feel like I'm getting on top of this. I think not eating didn't help. But it's so hard when just the idea of food makes me feel sick. A vicous cycle.

Jan

JanJan63

kristasplace said:

I agree...

..with what everyone else said above. Sue is so right about the whole 'stubborn' deal. My stubbornness went above and beyond to down-right anger, but not the kind where you give up; the kind that motivates into action.

You know what they say about death and taxes. None of us are getting out of life alive, but the upscale about that is that none of us know when it will happen. The only difference between cancer people and everyone else is that we're put in the situation of having to think about it. Most people don't live their lives with their imminent death hanging over their heads, and neither should we. Each upcoming scan and every visit with our doctors puts us back into that mode of wondering what's going to happen next, but we don't have to live like that. We deserve to enjoy every bit of life we can, and the only way we can do that is to not dwell on the fact we are going to die...someday.

It used to help me a lot when I'd feel down or separated from normalcy to go out in nature and just experience everything around me. I'd block everything else out and just focus on what was happening around me at that moment. I felt the sun and wind hitting my skin, I'd hear the sounds of the leaves blowing and the animals clucking or naying in the distance...It was very comforting because I knew in those moments that I was a small part of everything going on around me because I was able to experience it, and appreciate it, if nothing else. I accepted that that one moment could stay with me forever; reminding me that life is all about how we choose to experience it. It's just a series of moments, and the ones we purposely create can be re-used to comfort us in moments of isolation or depression. Distractions like that can definitely help move you into a better place mentally. 

I'd even get naked and go to a private part of the backyard and bask in the sun imagining each ray of sunshine was penetrating my skin and nourishing my healthy cells, and exploding the cancer cells. Haha! It always made me feel better to think I was being proactive with my own health.

John could be right, too. A physical cause could exasperate any mental turmoil, as one certainly affects the other. The B-12 shots I'm getting have helped a lot with my energy, which is helping me be more active. Physical activity can raise your seratonin levels and just make you feel better overall.

One more thing. I found that dwelling too much on my illness kept me feeling really low. It was one of the reasons I stayed away from CSN for so long. I could feel that it wasn't healthy for me facing so many deaths of people I cared about, or hearing other's stories of pain and agony so constantly. It can weigh heavily being reminded so often that you're "sick".  If you need to take a break from that; even if it's just a small one, it may do you some good.

I hope you find some way to break through it. Being sad all the time is no way to live.

Hugs,

Krista

Thanks Krista. You're right.

Thanks Krista. You're right. I'm glad I'm at the point where I feel like I can get outside and do something, even some minor thing. I was so sick I felt like I had no life and I was terrified that I'd gotten into a new low physically and that was going to be my new normal. Scary stuff. I take vitamin B12 and D every day. Luckily mine can be kept at a good rate with just tablets, not shots. I wasn't taking the B12 while I was so sick, though, because I stupidly bought sublingual ones last time and was too dehydrated to even be able to dissolve them in my mouth. For some reason when I get the blockages I also get the feeling that my colon is swollen and constantly feel like I have to go to the bathroom and get fresh blood. Luckily I had a scope while I was like that and the surgeon said its irritated because sometimes the bowels get upset with not having anything to do and they do get irritated and swollen. The scope was rather uncomfortable because of it but everything looked good. And I bleed easily because of taking the blood thinners daily.

I'm starting to get on top of this emotionally. I always do when I get a setback. My surgeon had previously mentioned I'd have about thirteen years so her acting like ten was stretching it was a shock. I'm getting back into my 'yeah, we'll see' frame of mind. I survived a blood clot, stroke and catastrophic brain bleed with what they considered a 3 in a thousand chance of survival let alone being normal again. I'll fight this crap, too.

Jan

nateswife

Familiar

What you're saying is so familiar. I was in the same place in June this year. When my onc said that he expected that I'll be on chemo for the rest of my (probably short) life, it sent my husband and I into a tailspin. I was pretty depressed and felt like why do anything, I'm just waiting to die. 

Oddly, it was a song that snapped me out of depression (that is, God used a song): "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten. The lyrics are inspiring. They reminded me that I CAN fight. Now my husband and I have turned a corner and accepted that I MAY only have a few years. I prefer knowing this worse case scenario. It's motivating us to seize the day, travel and do some of those "oh, one day..." things. 

I'm glad that you're beginning to feel better. Kick depression's butt! 

Trubrit

nateswife said:

Familiar

What you're saying is so familiar. I was in the same place in June this year. When my onc said that he expected that I'll be on chemo for the rest of my (probably short) life, it sent my husband and I into a tailspin. I was pretty depressed and felt like why do anything, I'm just waiting to die. 

Oddly, it was a song that snapped me out of depression (that is, God used a song): "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten. The lyrics are inspiring. They reminded me that I CAN fight. Now my husband and I have turned a corner and accepted that I MAY only have a few years. I prefer knowing this worse case scenario. It's motivating us to seize the day, travel and do some of those "oh, one day..." things. 

I'm glad that you're beginning to feel better. Kick depression's butt! 

Die happy

I figured if I'm going to die (which I am, regardless) I'm going to die happy.   So I make sure to make every day a happy day.

I just hope that if the Cancer does take me, that I go quickly. I've heard such horror stories. 

SUE

JanJan63

Trubrit said:

Die happy

I figured if I'm going to die (which I am, regardless) I'm going to die happy.   So I make sure to make every day a happy day.

I just hope that if the Cancer does take me, that I go quickly. I've heard such horror stories. 

SUE

Yes, that's what really

Yes, that's what really scares me. My brother who passed away from cancer a year and a half ago suffered for months. My mom suffered for about two months but she looked like a mummy by the time she passed. Every time I see a picture of Ramses II's mummy I think of her. We have some new laws here in Canada that make it easier to have assisted suicide. That's comforting. I think I'd stop taking my blood thiners and see if I could have another blood clot. That was a great way to go. I just fell asleep.

Jan

JanJan63

nateswife said:

Familiar

What you're saying is so familiar. I was in the same place in June this year. When my onc said that he expected that I'll be on chemo for the rest of my (probably short) life, it sent my husband and I into a tailspin. I was pretty depressed and felt like why do anything, I'm just waiting to die. 

Oddly, it was a song that snapped me out of depression (that is, God used a song): "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten. The lyrics are inspiring. They reminded me that I CAN fight. Now my husband and I have turned a corner and accepted that I MAY only have a few years. I prefer knowing this worse case scenario. It's motivating us to seize the day, travel and do some of those "oh, one day..." things. 

I'm glad that you're beginning to feel better. Kick depression's butt! 

I find that song inspiring,

I find that song inspiring, too, Nateswife! I'd feel better if we didn't have the financial worries and burdens we have. We can't afford to do anything like take a trip. We had kind of a poopy summer here in Alberta, too. so we didn't do the road trips or other things I was determined to do after two years of being so sick in the summers. Almost every day, particularly weekends, our weather would be nice in the morning and then get rainy and miserable in the afternoon. I had a week holiday from work and did nothing. My daughter and I were determined to rent paddle boats on the nearby lake but it was never nice enough. I hate doing the 'oh, there's always next year' thing when I don't know how my health might turn in the near future. Sometimes I just feel odd in my head. I've started getting migraines again after not having them for years I've had four in the past month. I don't get the pain or anything like that, I just get the aura. It makes it hard to work when I get it because it covers my vision for about 20 minutes and then it goes away. It's like a carpet of diamonds is covering my vision. If I get one while I'm driving I have to pull over until it goes away. Luckily, they've all been at work so far.

Jan

ron50

I have survived cancer for nearly 19 years.

   With all that has happened to me in that time I am more afraid of living than dying. Ron.

Trubrit

JanJan63 said:

I find that song inspiring,

I find that song inspiring, too, Nateswife! I'd feel better if we didn't have the financial worries and burdens we have. We can't afford to do anything like take a trip. We had kind of a poopy summer here in Alberta, too. so we didn't do the road trips or other things I was determined to do after two years of being so sick in the summers. Almost every day, particularly weekends, our weather would be nice in the morning and then get rainy and miserable in the afternoon. I had a week holiday from work and did nothing. My daughter and I were determined to rent paddle boats on the nearby lake but it was never nice enough. I hate doing the 'oh, there's always next year' thing when I don't know how my health might turn in the near future. Sometimes I just feel odd in my head. I've started getting migraines again after not having them for years I've had four in the past month. I don't get the pain or anything like that, I just get the aura. It makes it hard to work when I get it because it covers my vision for about 20 minutes and then it goes away. It's like a carpet of diamonds is covering my vision. If I get one while I'm driving I have to pull over until it goes away. Luckily, they've all been at work so far.

Jan

Financial fears

My husband is about to lose his job which will send us down a financial toilet.  We've always lived from pay check to pay check, and I bet we can do it on less money, BUT health insurance, I need that health insurance. That is the thing that scares me to .......  OK, just scares me. 

But, deep breath. I know stress does not help, hinders, so deep breath.  

And Ron (post beneath), yeah, sometimes life seems like the scarier option. 

SUE

PhillieG

Death...Everyone's doing it

I would never dream of asking my oncologist that question. They (almost always) have no idea at all how long you have to live. I've told this story a few times but not in a long time.

About 4 years ago my wife's parents, who were 80 and 85 and in good health, were getting ready to drive up by us for a Birthday Party. The went to get gas the day before the party and when they went to pull into the gas station they didn't see the large pickup truck that broadsided them. My Mother-in-law died the next morning, my Father-in-law died 3 months later. 

The point is that just because we have cancer does not mean that will eventually kill us. I've found that concept is lost on many people with cancer. Anyone of us, cancer or no cancer, can die at any time.
My post wasn't meant to cheer everyone up but it was intended as a reality check. Sorry if I offended anyone.

 

 

nateswife

JanJan63 said:

I find that song inspiring,

I find that song inspiring, too, Nateswife! I'd feel better if we didn't have the financial worries and burdens we have. We can't afford to do anything like take a trip. We had kind of a poopy summer here in Alberta, too. so we didn't do the road trips or other things I was determined to do after two years of being so sick in the summers. Almost every day, particularly weekends, our weather would be nice in the morning and then get rainy and miserable in the afternoon. I had a week holiday from work and did nothing. My daughter and I were determined to rent paddle boats on the nearby lake but it was never nice enough. I hate doing the 'oh, there's always next year' thing when I don't know how my health might turn in the near future. Sometimes I just feel odd in my head. I've started getting migraines again after not having them for years I've had four in the past month. I don't get the pain or anything like that, I just get the aura. It makes it hard to work when I get it because it covers my vision for about 20 minutes and then it goes away. It's like a carpet of diamonds is covering my vision. If I get one while I'm driving I have to pull over until it goes away. Luckily, they've all been at work so far.

Jan

Wow, that's strange about the

Wow, that's strange about the painless migraines. I've heard of one other person who gets them. He has a desk job but has to stop what he's doing and can't concentrate while it lasts. I'd try cannabis for that. Why not

That stinks about the weather in Alberta and feeling like you can't do what you want due to finances. We have a small business that isn't very profitable (mainly due to living in TAXachusetts) but it does give us the freedom to take time off. My husband and I found that our living expenses were less on the road than when we're home. We travel cheap. This summer, against my onco's advise, we took a 4 week trip to Idaho and Montana. We slept in the back of our truck, camped at free places and made our food over a camp fire and/or propane stove. We loved it so much that we're planning a longer trip for this summer. Actually, we're thinking of selling everything and hitting the road for good... Maybe just a dream but it's a good one. If I only have a few years left, they're going to be damn good ones! I'd love to see more of Canada. So far have only been to Quebec and PEI. If we hit the road, we're going straight through all the way to BC.

nateswife

Trubrit said:

Financial fears

My husband is about to lose his job which will send us down a financial toilet.  We've always lived from pay check to pay check, and I bet we can do it on less money, BUT health insurance, I need that health insurance. That is the thing that scares me to .......  OK, just scares me. 

But, deep breath. I know stress does not help, hinders, so deep breath.  

And Ron (post beneath), yeah, sometimes life seems like the scarier option. 

SUE

I'm really sorry to hear that

I'm really sorry to hear that, Sue  Is Obamacare an option for you? I don't know much about that system, how it works and for whom. Or Medicare? 

nateswife

PhillieG said:

Death...Everyone's doing it

I would never dream of asking my oncologist that question. They (almost always) have no idea at all how long you have to live. I've told this story a few times but not in a long time.

About 4 years ago my wife's parents, who were 80 and 85 and in good health, were getting ready to drive up by us for a Birthday Party. The went to get gas the day before the party and when they went to pull into the gas station they didn't see the large pickup truck that broadsided them. My Mother-in-law died the next morning, my Father-in-law died 3 months later. 

The point is that just because we have cancer does not mean that will eventually kill us. I've found that concept is lost on many people with cancer. Anyone of us, cancer or no cancer, can die at any time.
My post wasn't meant to cheer everyone up but it was intended as a reality check. Sorry if I offended anyone.

 

 

No offense taken. You're

No offense taken. You're right- life is tenuous. It often takes an unexpected personal tragedy to drive the point home. What a sad event for your family. It must have been really hard for your wife.

My husband and I talk freely with my onco nurse (we've gotten really close to her) about my possible life expectancy, the choices we're making because of it, the possibility of stopping treatment to have a better quality of life for a shorter time- things like that. She says that it's really unusual for patients to talk about these things. We were surprised to hear that. Why not talk about it- it's kind of the elephant in the room. And I don't think it's morbid or means that I don't love life to discuss death. 

JanJan63

nateswife said:

Wow, that's strange about the

Wow, that's strange about the painless migraines. I've heard of one other person who gets them. He has a desk job but has to stop what he's doing and can't concentrate while it lasts. I'd try cannabis for that. Why not

That stinks about the weather in Alberta and feeling like you can't do what you want due to finances. We have a small business that isn't very profitable (mainly due to living in TAXachusetts) but it does give us the freedom to take time off. My husband and I found that our living expenses were less on the road than when we're home. We travel cheap. This summer, against my onco's advise, we took a 4 week trip to Idaho and Montana. We slept in the back of our truck, camped at free places and made our food over a camp fire and/or propane stove. We loved it so much that we're planning a longer trip for this summer. Actually, we're thinking of selling everything and hitting the road for good... Maybe just a dream but it's a good one. If I only have a few years left, they're going to be damn good ones! I'd love to see more of Canada. So far have only been to Quebec and PEI. If we hit the road, we're going straight through all the way to BC.

When I was really sick after

When I was really sick after the surgery my daughter got me some liquid that has the cannabis proprties that are supposed to help. I found the taste to be obnoxious. I've never been able to stand to be around anyone smoking it, I think it smells like a combination of BO and skunk.

You'll love Canada! Ontario has pretty areas, Manitoba is okay but gets boring as you head towards the prairies, then Saskatchewan is really boring, just fields and cows, the eastern part of Alberta is about the same but then you get to Calgary and the mountains are only 45 minutes west of it. BC is stunning. People are pretty nice but don't let your guard down. Always lock your vehicles and take care. Our crime rate is much less than in the states but we still have crime and it seems like people from out of town are common targets for vehicle break ins. Beware in Alberta, we have a new provincial government that has just about ruined us financially and there are thefts at places like gas stations that never used to be the case. Many businesses have closed, domestic violence and suicides are up, too. It's just getting worse. Pretty sad.

Jan