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Grieving and scared

Posts: 1
Joined: Nov 2015

Hi. This is my first time to post. I'm 58 years old, and my 57 year old husband passed away Nov. 30 after fighting cholangiocarcinoma for 18 months. I thought I was doing ok; I think I did a lot of grieving during those 18 months, as it became clear that E was not going to get better. But today I'm a mess, can't stop crying and afraid. Though I work, it's not for the salary, but the health insurance.  My husband always managed the bills, insurance and taxes, bc he liked to and I hated it. He tried to educate me over the past year and a half, and spelled everything out in great detail for me in written documents. But it's not like we're rich, bc we re not, and I'm so afraid I'll screw something up. I have an accountant and an attorney, and they are helpful, but I feel like I don't even know what to ask. All that stuff is so complicated, with lots of rules, and my brain just does not work the way his did, all analytical and logical. It feels so overwhelming!

Add to that the fact that I just miss him, my best friend for the past 30 years, and that's lonely. It's not like I don't have friends, but they are not close friends, the kind who sit and watch a movie on the couch with you. So it's a brand new world, and I don't like it. Don't want this responsibility, don't want to be a grown up. I do know talking helps, and that you guys understand b/c you've been there. So thanks for listening.

Posts: 771
Joined: Apr 2012

First, I'm sorry that you have to be here and for the loss of your husband.  I lost mine late July 2015 and I know what you are going thru.  We would have celebrated our 53rd wedding anniversary the last of August and we had been dating for almost 2 years before that while I finished high school.  It is hard and there are times when you can't think or do anything.  You can learn to handle your bills.  It will be hard.  My situation was reversed, I handled all the financials in the home and I did our taxes every year.  I tried to teach my husband because I always told him I could go before him and then where would he be.  I even made lists of what we paid, when, how much, etc.  I don't think he ever really looked at it.  Do you have children that could help you learn.  I always told my husband which son would be the most help to him. 

There are days that I do nothing but think of him and cry and there are days that are good.  He fought cancer for 5 years and when he passed, it was hard but I knew that he was out of pain and no longer suffering.  I have friends that really don't understand why I don't want to go out to lunch or shopping, even one of our sons said something about getting over it.  Yes he made me mad and I told him so.  Then I have another son who is worried I'll start dating again in the future.  They are both crazy I tell them. 

Your grief will get better as the days come and go.  You are still very early in the process.  I had thought of going to grief counseling but then I haven't done that either.  Since I am retired, I have thought about volunteering again at our hospital.  It has only been 5 months since I lost my husband and I still miss him dearly and it does get lonely even  I have two small dogs that help me and one of our sons has moved back in with me temporarily while he tries to get back on his feet. 

Wishing you peace and comfort

Posts: 265
Joined: Aug 2011

I am so sorry that you have lost your husband. Iknow you are heartbroken.  I have also lost my husband on November 22nd and we were together for 39 years since we were 17 years old so I do understand the pain.  My husband suffered with colorectal cancer for 4.5 years but we always had hope of a new treatment that would work.  The end for him came on so fast that I feel like I never really got to say goodbye.  I miss him terribly and cry so much.  He was my best friend and not only do I have to live by myself without him but I have to figure out how to live with 50% less income.  It is so overwhelming.  I just don't know what to do. I wish there was some type of assistance for people in our situation.  Wishing you the best and sending hugs and prayers.  Teri

Posts: 5
Joined: Jan 2016

I am 33, and lost my 38 year old husband after 12 months of battling his cancer and I am a mess. I keep crying or feeling down, but he was mine for almost 15 years. Oh, I can't fix myself. I try to be strong, but I miss him. I can't hug him or hold him, or sing him to sleep, or smell him, or anything.

Posts: 28
Joined: Nov 2015

I am sorry for your loss and pain.  I wish I had great words of wisdom for those of you needing help, but I am not sure how helpful I can be. 

I haven't had the need, but I understand the if you call the American Cancer Society, there are tons of services that they offer for help.  I am not sure if they can help you with budgeting and such, but it hurt to ask. 

I truly hope you all find the resources and the strength that you need get through each day.

I pray for peace for you.



Posts: 1
Joined: Jul 2015

Drsolis, I read through many of these entries and see how many years people had together. It made me feel like my 14+ years with my J maybe aren't as valid a loss as those who had so many decades with their spouses. Then I read your entries. Thank you for sharing them. My J died last month after a 21 month battle with Stage IV esophageal cancer. I feel like I've been mourning him on some level since the day he was diagnosed on April 9, 2014.  It's like watching a slow motion trainwreck where you know someone is going to die but you can't do anything to stop it. I'm 44 and also feel like I've been robbed, that we were supposed to grow old together, and now what??? We had so many plans. What I miss most, though, is talking to him, hearing about his day, telling him about mine. Recently I've been reading a book about grieving where the author recommends writing your loved one letters to resolve issues like guilt. I've taken to writing Dear J letters just to get through a whole day and feel like I can still share it with him, even the less momentous stuff like the weather or some craziness at work. We are each different in how we grieve, I know, but maybe someone can find solace in doing something similar and so I'm putting it out there. Drsolis, I wish you the very best out of an abysmally painful place in your life. I wish that for everyone on this list. Take care.

debbieg5's picture
Posts: 170
Joined: Nov 2010

Hi there.  I have not been on the boards in a long time.  I was just talking to a friend that is dealing with breast cancer and was trying to find this site again so that she could join.  I couldn't help but to come back to the grieving thread and just see what was going on. 

I made friends on this site (on the caregiver thread) in late 2010 while my husband was fighting cancer.  And then, without warning, my husband died.  The friends that I had made on here were what helped me survive the early months.  There were 5 or 6 of us that all lost our husbands within a months time.  You can come on here and say all the crazy thoughts that you are thinking but are afraid to say to anyone else.  And if you don't say them, then you will see somebody else posting exactly what you are thinking.  No one else can understand what it is like to lose your spouse.  This will take quite a while for you to be able to adjust.  And let me just say something right now to save you time....you will not "get back to normal".  It took me a long time to come to grips with that and I will admit it made me mad to accept that fact.  But the truth is that you have to find a new normal for yourself.  We have been forced to walk down a path that we didn't choose and that we didn't want.  But that doesn't change the fact that you still have to go.

For encouragement, I can tell you that it does get better.  You learn to deal with it and the pain becomes less severe.  Last month was the 5 year mark since my husband died.  I went to the cemetary to take flowers and this was the first time that I didn't sit there and cry.  I still miss him and there are days that I would give anything just to talk to him for a few minutes.  My daughter will be getting married in September and I just can't fathom the pain I will feel knowing that he is not there to see his Princess walk down the aisle.

Just take things a day at a time and try not to be too hard on yourself.  I'll be glad to talk if you ever need to.



Posts: 136
Joined: Jul 2012

Dear Mojojingo,

Similar to you I lost my husband and he was also the bookkeeper/accountant of the house. For me grief comes in waves. Some days are okay, others just hit suddenly and hard.  My husband had an accountant that is suppose to help me, but I also don't even know what to ask,plus the guy is a mess when he's talking with me its too hard for him.  So here's a few tips. Tell the people you are working with.  ""Please no jargon" I don't talk that way, its better for us all if you could use newspaper language." There is something these people call the "black" period. Their industry saids a widow has 6-12 month black period where you shouldn't force any decisions just help her maintain. Pick one day a week to do the bills/finances.  Its wonderful he left you a book. If you can follow it, if not start adding pages to the book in your way of thinking. Don't be too hard on yourself.  I'm now 4 years out, each tax year trying to understand another element of our finances. I even got finances for dummies. Sometimes I wish he would just drop down from heaven to his desk and help me. I believe he is there, helping me in ways he can.  Sometimes the sun hits just so through the window to his desk. I think he's telling me. "Jay you got to get to paying the bills."  

Sending you a virtual hug



Posts: 23
Joined: May 2017

Just discovered this section of posts. Amazed that more peplle aren't here.I'm sick today - high fever, etc., the first time in my life to go through illness by myself (plus I have my own cancer). Got up early am. and cried and cried. Yes, some days are sort of ok, but I want to see my daughter and grandson. So lonely.

WatchaGonnaDo's picture
Posts: 8
Joined: Sep 2017

Dear Lewcap, 

So sorry to hear of your pain, emotional and physical. I hope you get to see your daughter and grandson. Thinking of you. 

Posts: 4
Joined: Nov 2017

You wrote ... "So it's a brand new world, and I don't like it. Don't want this responsibility, don't want to be a grown up."

Those are my feelings EXACTLY. Other than a few specifics your entire post reflects my feelings and situation exactly. Like you ... I DON"T LIKE IT. It's too bad that my sympathy and understanding doesn't make it all better. Wouldn't it be nice if it was that easy ? You've already discovered that talking and writing helps. Have you tried hiking or brisk walks ? When I'm feeling afraid and overwhelmed taking a hike always brings me back from the edge. Maybe give it a try. Good luck Mojojingo.

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