Grieving and scared

First, I'm sorry that you have to be here and for the loss of your husband.  I lost mine late July 2015 and I know what you are going thru.  We would have celebrated our 53rd wedding anniversary the last of August and we had been dating for almost 2 years before that while I finished high school.  It is hard and there are times when you can't think or do anything.  You can learn to handle your bills.  It will be hard.  My situation was reversed, I handled all the financials in the home and I did our taxes every year.  I tried to teach my husband because I always told him I could go before him and then where would he be.  I even made lists of what we paid, when, how much, etc.  I don't think he ever really looked at it.  Do you have children that could help you learn.  I always told my husband which son would be the most help to him. 

There are days that I do nothing but think of him and cry and there are days that are good.  He fought cancer for 5 years and when he passed, it was hard but I knew that he was out of pain and no longer suffering.  I have friends that really don't understand why I don't want to go out to lunch or shopping, even one of our sons said something about getting over it.  Yes he made me mad and I told him so.  Then I have another son who is worried I'll start dating again in the future.  They are both crazy I tell them. 

Your grief will get better as the days come and go.  You are still very early in the process.  I had thought of going to grief counseling but then I haven't done that either.  Since I am retired, I have thought about volunteering again at our hospital.  It has only been 5 months since I lost my husband and I still miss him dearly and it does get lonely even  I have two small dogs that help me and one of our sons has moved back in with me temporarily while he tries to get back on his feet. 

Wishing you peace and comfort

I am 33, and lost my 38 year old husband after 12 months of battling his cancer and I am a mess. I keep crying or feeling down, but he was mine for almost 15 years. Oh, I can't fix myself. I try to be strong, but I miss him. I can't hug him or hold him, or sing him to sleep, or smell him, or anything.

Hi there.  I have not been on the boards in a long time.  I was just talking to a friend that is dealing with breast cancer and was trying to find this site again so that she could join.  I couldn't help but to come back to the grieving thread and just see what was going on. 

I made friends on this site (on the caregiver thread) in late 2010 while my husband was fighting cancer.  And then, without warning, my husband died.  The friends that I had made on here were what helped me survive the early months.  There were 5 or 6 of us that all lost our husbands within a months time.  You can come on here and say all the crazy thoughts that you are thinking but are afraid to say to anyone else.  And if you don't say them, then you will see somebody else posting exactly what you are thinking.  No one else can understand what it is like to lose your spouse.  This will take quite a while for you to be able to adjust.  And let me just say something right now to save you time....you will not "get back to normal".  It took me a long time to come to grips with that and I will admit it made me mad to accept that fact.  But the truth is that you have to find a new normal for yourself.  We have been forced to walk down a path that we didn't choose and that we didn't want.  But that doesn't change the fact that you still have to go.

For encouragement, I can tell you that it does get better.  You learn to deal with it and the pain becomes less severe.  Last month was the 5 year mark since my husband died.  I went to the cemetary to take flowers and this was the first time that I didn't sit there and cry.  I still miss him and there are days that I would give anything just to talk to him for a few minutes.  My daughter will be getting married in September and I just can't fathom the pain I will feel knowing that he is not there to see his Princess walk down the aisle.

Just take things a day at a time and try not to be too hard on yourself.  I'll be glad to talk if you ever need to.

Hugs,

Debbie

Dear Mojojingo,

Similar to you I lost my husband and he was also the bookkeeper/accountant of the house. For me grief comes in waves. Some days are okay, others just hit suddenly and hard.  My husband had an accountant that is suppose to help me, but I also don't even know what to ask,plus the guy is a mess when he's talking with me its too hard for him.  So here's a few tips. Tell the people you are working with.  ""Please no jargon" I don't talk that way, its better for us all if you could use newspaper language." There is something these people call the "black" period. Their industry saids a widow has 6-12 month black period where you shouldn't force any decisions just help her maintain. Pick one day a week to do the bills/finances.  Its wonderful he left you a book. If you can follow it, if not start adding pages to the book in your way of thinking. Don't be too hard on yourself.  I'm now 4 years out, each tax year trying to understand another element of our finances. I even got finances for dummies. Sometimes I wish he would just drop down from heaven to his desk and help me. I believe he is there, helping me in ways he can.  Sometimes the sun hits just so through the window to his desk. I think he's telling me. "Jay you got to get to paying the bills."  

Sending you a virtual hug

Jay

Dear Lewcap, 

So sorry to hear of your pain, emotional and physical. I hope you get to see your daughter and grandson. Thinking of you.