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foxhd's picture
foxhd
Posts: 3183
Joined: Oct 2011

Well,...Spent this past week in the finast institution in America. Yale New-Haven Smilow cancer hospital. Short story. Near total loss of right arm. 70% loss of left. Clots in arm and lungs. Tumor growth from base of brain to about T-2 down spinal canal. Around some nerve roots. And rt. brachial plexus. Did not expect to be here anymore. Bottom line, Radiation, votrient, steroids, anti co-agulants. First of 10 radiation treatments done. Return as op Monday-fri. for 2 weeks. Fatigue to the nth degree for hours after trying to shower and dress this am. Will post as capable. Not likely to keep up with everyones posts. I apologize. See you toward the other end. Whichever one it is.

Fox loves you.

cran1's picture
cran1
Posts: 139
Joined: Mar 2013

The Rancourt family loves Fox...Hang in there.

foxhd's picture
foxhd
Posts: 3183
Joined: Oct 2011

You guys are great. It is amazing how well I've been these last 4 years. Hurray! It has been outstanding!  Here is how I will get the most out of this. I have a plan. And you guys can help. Group force. Brute force. Big enemy and there is no coming through without some damage.

I've had good partial responses from the nivolumab and the Il-2. Together I believe they are going to reactivate. This is important. Immunnology is still key. The radiation is no brainer.  Surgery is out of the question. Easy decision. With the assisst of the votrient, I'll stabilize. My right arm is going to have limits. I am  turning left handed out of necessity. But I am aware I am using the key board pretty good right now. So this is very encouraging. I guess I'll also get used to being one of those skinny weak looking kids you used to see around. You know, teenage hood, 50's style white t shirt under black leather motorcycle jacket. Maybe aviation glasses.  But to the likes of modern medicine, Medicare is going to help pay for it..(.Wow! Just had a scarey Bruce Jenner pyscho mind meld again.) I think the white hair will be a hoot and not a bad look. So that is ok. After stabilization, I get back in line and should have plenty of time and choices. There is alot coming down the pike you as know.

So now no one needs to worry. We move forward. Help push my immune system into overdrive. Nerve regeneration takes time. I'll get the most available. I'll be able to come back and fight another day.

I am going to need much down time for a while. I'm expecting 4-6 weeks fatigue and malaise. But I'm awake at 3:am and I am feeling pretty good right now. I'l get a couple hours sleep, radiation, and oncologists visit.

Love you guys, Fox.

 

Allochka's picture
Allochka
Posts: 902
Joined: Nov 2014

This is a great attitude, and it is clear you are going to achieve everything you've planned. You'll do it!

I'm not a religious person, not a believer at all. But I do believe in human spirit and strength of will. You have it, you will win !!!

Thank you for showing us all a great example!

angelsnls
Posts: 67
Joined: Nov 2014

You are an amazing inspiration to me and my family fox, you will get through this, sending you all our prayers and love, 

Angela x

Positive_Mental_Attitude's picture
Positive_Mental...
Posts: 454
Joined: Jul 2014

Fox, your show of strength and humor is amazing and inspirational.  Laughter is the best medicine, and I tell my kids that they need to learn to laugh at themselves and maintain a sense of humor.  The negative energy of not having a sense of humor is a waste of energy.  Keep chopping (a saying from my alma matter-Rutgers). 

Jan4you's picture
Jan4you
Posts: 1325
Joined: Oct 2013

Wow, Fox, as you can see the CSN posse has rallied all around you to kick butt! Yup.

And, love that "bad boy" image, white hair in the wind.. leather..kind of thing!

You're too funny!

But, if this is keeping you up at 3AM, I wonder if there isn't a newborn nearby you could sing to.. and give their parents a rest?? Just sayin..

Take our love with you to all appointments, treatments and such!

Luv you big guy!

Gentle hug, Jan

angec's picture
angec
Posts: 924
Joined: Mar 2012

And to think, i was worried about you! I should have remembered what you are made out of!  I know you will slam this thing to the curb! Let us know how the visit goes.. ELF!

 

xxoo

vtvickil's picture
vtvickil
Posts: 18
Joined: Jul 2012

Hi Fox

I too frequently forget to come to CSN but when I do you are one of the first I look up.  I am stunned to hear of your struggles and encouraged by your attitude and commitment.  PLEASE keep pushing forward and know that there are so very many of us holding you up as you do.

Sending strength and healing

Vicki

alice124's picture
alice124
Posts: 898
Joined: Mar 2012

Love you Fox.  And Jan is right. Your latest posts have rallied the troops and transformed a boatload of good karma and soulnergy into an impressive army, your army. I feel it as I’m sure everyone who has posted feels it. We’re with you and ready to kick ***, ‘and we know how to fight. You taught us.

DogRescuer's picture
DogRescuer
Posts: 52
Joined: Feb 2012

To complete your look don't forget to roll a pack of cigarettes in the sleeve of your white t-shirt.  (But don't you dare smoke 'em!)

If you'd like to get some mail during your recuperation, please PM me so I can submit your name to ChemoAngels.net

In fact if any of you know someone (or yourself!) going through chemo and needs a bit of cheer, contact the above website.  I volunteer with them and send cards to chemo patients.  I make my cards with photos of rescue puppies I've fostered and put positive, but funny sayings inside.  (Now isn't that better than getting a card with a painted rainbow and mushy saying in it??)

 

Linda

 

APny's picture
APny
Posts: 1981
Joined: Mar 2014

Loved the imagery of the 50s hood and I think you're going to totally rock the white hair. All the best to you, Fox!

sblairc's picture
sblairc
Posts: 586
Joined: Feb 2014

For what it's worth, I learned this weekend that radiation has been known to stimulate the immune system to fight cancer. I am praying this will be something that works for you since you did have Il2 and Nivo already. i went to a conference at Cedars Sinai and this was reported on. Keep kicking it to the curb, Fox!

Skagway Jack's picture
Skagway Jack
Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2013

I was staggered to read this news Fox!  You truely are the essence of this Forum and you have set the standard for all of us to aspire to.  I have been absent with little time availble to read or post lately so I was late to this news.  Glad you have come up with a plan of attack.    The best defense is a good offense.  Hang in there from half a world a way I will be keeping you in mind with prayers and positive thoughts.

Skagway

NewDay's picture
NewDay
Posts: 273
Joined: May 2012

Hi Fox,

It was so hard to read that things are going so badly for you lately.  I just know you can turn things around.  Votrient worked well for me.  I only had to come off of it because of liver toxicity.  Continue to fight but remember to rest.

I'll be praying for you and sending all the good karma I can.

Kathy

jason.2835
Posts: 337
Joined: Nov 2014

Fox,

You've been there for us, now it's time for us to be there for you.  You're the man, you've inspired all of us with your "no bullXXXX" attitude, and you know you're going to keep fighting this.  Keep us posted, my friend.

Jojo61's picture
Jojo61
Posts: 1310
Joined: Oct 2013

That's our Foxy!

We will do whatever you ask! We will rally round and support you in anyway we can, Foxy. And by the way, with the new hair colour, we should rename you Silver Fox! hahaha.

Feeling the joy!

Big Hugs

Jojo

rnayriv's picture
rnayriv
Posts: 38
Joined: Jan 2012

Praying for you!

I am alive
Posts: 316
Joined: Jul 2012

Oh Fox, I am so sorry.  Sometimes the bravest fight is simply to endure. I love you.

Karen0074
Posts: 64
Joined: Apr 2014

Gahh fox, sending u big hugs from blighty and wishing you so well. Lolling at your sense of humour though, your the best .

 

Karen xxxxx

Billy's Wife's picture
Billy's Wife
Posts: 52
Joined: Jan 2014

Dearest Fox,

As so many have said you are an inspiration.  You embody strength and optimism peppered with such wonderful humor.  Lean on all those here who have offered their prayers and companionship as you fight on!! 

 

We are all right beside you.  My prayers go with you too.

Arleen

foxhd's picture
foxhd
Posts: 3183
Joined: Oct 2011

How could I be so tired. I can't pull from anywhere. So now I concentrate on conserving because they tell me it is going to get worse over the next few weeks......... My years of exercise and running teach a discipline. It is not about when you quit. It is about lasting just a little longer. It is up to me.

Srashedb
Posts: 482
Joined: Dec 2013

is it the radiation that is making you tired? The votrient, assume it will get worse before it gets better.

and, remember that you hung in during that hellacious IL2.

Sarah

 

 

APny's picture
APny
Posts: 1981
Joined: Mar 2014

Just rest and conserve your strength and take naps or just lie down if you have to. Right now you can’t pull from anywhere because you’re so exhausted. You’re in my thoughts every day.

foxhd's picture
foxhd
Posts: 3183
Joined: Oct 2011

get through Il-2. It took months. Glad it is not summer time. Nothing but snow and wind. Winter in New England. Sarah, you are helping. Thanks.

brea588's picture
brea588
Posts: 240
Joined: Jul 2012

I think that is cute  Silver Fox.  Gray hair is sexy I think LOL  Been thinking about you a lot everyday.  Praying for you, and praying the treatments work and give you pain relief and does all the meds need to do to kick this.  We need you around here for a long time.  Rest and recover , and we will all be here waiting for you, when you are able to come on and give updates.  I so appreciate you.  Put up the fight!  Love you Silver Fox.  

Footstomper's picture
Footstomper
Posts: 1238
Joined: Dec 2014

Great to see you still posting. I dont know about you, but looking back my IL2 experience i get the feeling that having survived that "hell" as described by my oncologist, I could srvive anything that gets thrown at me. I dont know if you feel the same?

We're all rooting for you.

Srashedb
Posts: 482
Joined: Dec 2013

Fox:

the weather reports sound dreadful but for your purposes, they are perfect; you can hibernate until the weather warms and the fatigue improves.

you have no idea how often I would tell my husband about your enduring IL2 when he was feeling down and hopeless. 

You, like he, are fighters, outdoor guys who should be riding on motorcycles instead of this but the good news is that you have grit, great docs and experience.

Sarah

 

resistance2
Posts: 16
Joined: Feb 2013

Fox,

 

If there is anything the online community can do to help, please let us know, i am confident you will be OK

 

 

Positive_Mental_Attitude's picture
Positive_Mental...
Posts: 454
Joined: Jul 2014

Shout out to ya Fox! Some weather we are having.  We got 6-8 inches of fresh snow in NJ today.  But that is nothing in comparison to Boston, who seems to be buried.  Hope you are feeling well and getting lots of rest.  Let us know how you are doing. 

DSFrey
Posts: 69
Joined: Jan 2014

Well, what can a guy like me that has not endured even a tenth of the journey you have taken say? Not much. But I recoginize your selflessness in the dedication and wisdom you have shared with all the users of this forum. The best I can do is raise my beer and say salute!

mrou50
Posts: 389
Joined: Mar 2013

You have been and continue to be one of my inspirations I gain strength through your words and through your experience.  I wish you continued strength and health and I am sorry that events are unfolding like this for you.  I know that their are many on this site who look to you for encouragement and now I know can speak for many here that we are sending our encouragment and strength back to you, keep fighting sir.

 

 

Mark

mrs_blkjak's picture
mrs_blkjak
Posts: 103
Joined: Apr 2013

Sending you all of the good karma, positive thoughts, and prayers in my heart. You are an inspiration to so many. 

foroughsh's picture
foroughsh
Posts: 775
Joined: Oct 2014

Fox, you are a VIP in our board, and also very respected, I love your opinion and try to learn, believe me it's difficult but I'm doing my best to remain positive and enjoy every moment. Wishing you health and happiness

foxhd's picture
foxhd
Posts: 3183
Joined: Oct 2011

I'm gonna need a lot of time. But boy, have I got a story to tell. Be patient. FLY.

Jojo61's picture
Jojo61
Posts: 1310
Joined: Oct 2013

We patiently await for your story. I am sure it will be a good one! Stay strong, Foxy!

Hugs

Jojo

Djinnie's picture
Djinnie
Posts: 945
Joined: Apr 2013

You may have lost your muscle tone, feel exhausted and turned silver haired, but you will never lose that indomitable strength of character.

You are the embodiment of self discipline, extraordinary willpower and have an inner strength second to none, leaving no room for defeatism. You have all my admiration, prayers and karmic influence. We have every confidence you will heal well, and be back telling us all about it in no time. After all you are the Quintessential Phoenix. 

Take care love you Foxie:)

 

Djinnie x

 

APny's picture
APny
Posts: 1981
Joined: Mar 2014

There is just no way to say it better than Djinnie did. Agree with every word.

Footstomper's picture
Footstomper
Posts: 1238
Joined: Dec 2014

Until then I'm just glad to hear from you.

cancerat46's picture
cancerat46
Posts: 52
Joined: Feb 2013

I have no doubt your story will be a doozy!! I hope you're doing well and still feeling ornery....especially when it comes to cancer.

Darron's picture
Darron
Posts: 310
Joined: Jun 2013

I'll be in the edge of my seat waiting. I agree with you 100% that your immune system is primed with Nivo and IL-2. Believe. Tell the story when you get your strength back.

thoyghts and prayers are with you!

todd121's picture
todd121
Posts: 1425
Joined: Dec 2012

You're on my mind Fox. Hope your recovery is moving in a good direction and this finds you well.

Peace,

Todd

Jan4you's picture
Jan4you
Posts: 1325
Joined: Oct 2013

Hey there Silver Fox! Just wanted you to know I am on your side and wil never stop braggin on you!! To me, YOU represent the best CSN has to offer!! You are our leader~!!!!

Rest up, conserve and protect your most precious cargo=YOU!!!

Sending you love and super, duper energy when yours is dragging!!

Warm, yummy hugs, Jan

foxhd's picture
foxhd
Posts: 3183
Joined: Oct 2011

Well here I am going into 4 weeks since my incredible "brush" with the "other " side. I'm still pretty fragile and weak. I need to be careful as I've had several falls. I have a right foot drop and need to pay attention. My left arm is doing pretty well. For that I am so thankful. Right arm will be an issue but it is a little better also. The best news is that I have been in NO pain!!! Between the steroids and radiation the result is awesome. I'm so lucky.

So,..after months of complaints of pain it had all come to a head. Unfortunatly, a tumor growing down inside my spinal canal is not an easy thing to eliminate. So now we keep our fingers crossed. They did a good job with radiation. I will do well with the votrient. If there is a chance that it will shrink whats left, I will take it. Toss in my response to my immunological treatments, and who knows? ..2009 Harley Streetglide will be off the market for a while.

The thing that I want to talk about is how close I came to passing. My neuro exams were inconsistant. My vitals were stable. My chemistries were all over the map. I was experiencing a state of loss of homeostasis. Much like I had when the Il-2 decimated me. In the couple few weeks I went from maybe 190 pounds to under 145ish. The sense of dieing from the flu type way I felt, was overpowering. The weakness and fatigue forced me to lie down flat on my back. I often would lie dead still. No lights, no sound, and void of external stimulation. I was unable to afford ANY energy to use for sensory input. I often needed more than 12 hours of no motion just to catch my breath. If all that it required was a blink of my eye to start the cyanide drip to end it all, I could not have done it. Just think about that a moment. When I felt the overpowering force taking all my life energy away, I was unable to mount any resistence. All I could do was to try and conserve what may have been left in me.

Essentially I would be feeling like I was flat lining. Everything remained dark. The only focus I could make was on a weak, dim, pilot light. Off in the distance. It was very small. Constantly flickering. It''s fuel source was gone but as small as it shrunk, it did not extinguish. With time I was able to be part of the flame and I held it in my heart. All my effort and concentration was on keeping it lit. And believe me when I tell you, I lost sight of it many times. Also much like my Il-2 experience, there was no sleep. Just every slow tic of the clock. Day in, day out. I am thrilled to say that I just slept 2 nights in a row and what a treat. Now I can make some progress.

So when people talk of near death experiences or crossing over, it is usually about after their passing. I never got that far. But I spent many, many hours not crossing the line. It was there. It was weak. The plan was in place. But somehow I held on. I had the support, Karma and love from you guys disrupting the outcome. For that I love you guys. A debt I cannot repay. So now I must prove myself worthy and recover beyond reasonable expectations. (actually, that should be relatively easy compared to what I went through.)

Now, I am dealing with esophogheal burning from radiation, lung congestion, weakness, falls, and nothing has taste. I'll bet it will all be a memory in a few months. Any doubters?

Thanks again to all of you. And many of you are very special to me. We do better together than by ourselves. Thank You Fox.

Jojo61's picture
Jojo61
Posts: 1310
Joined: Oct 2013

Foxy, we are all so grateful to have you tell this story. I am so happy you were able to focus on the light, and then hold the light in your heart. As you drew strength from that light, we draw strength from your spirit, from your fight. We often talk about how we are family, here in this little Kidney Cancer world. Knowing that you felt our love and prayers and karma for you, is not only proof of our connection, but proof of how much we love our Foxy.

Take care of yourself, gain your strength, dear friend.

Big hugs and lots of love,

Jojo

APny's picture
APny
Posts: 1981
Joined: Mar 2014

"Any doubters?" None whatsoever. I am so happy you're over the worst and strong enough to be able to tell us about it. Never let go of that light! We need you. You're our inspiration and strength. xo

Footstomper's picture
Footstomper
Posts: 1238
Joined: Dec 2014

I remember that so well from the IL2. A near darkness that seemed all pervasive. I confess to a degree in Ancient History and all I could think was "this is really chthonic" which means something like the light (or darkness) of the soil. I think odysseus talks about it when visiting Achilles in the underworld. I wasnt scared, I was fascinated and immovable. I cant describe it without metaphors, it was just bloody Chthonic.

Welcome back from your odyssey Fox.

Srashedb
Posts: 482
Joined: Dec 2013

Fox:

what an experience! Oh, just a thin line between life and death and you described it with such precision.

i don't understand what triggered all of this since the spinal mets and arm issues must have been there for some time.

what brought you to the hospital? 

So glad that you are with us. Please rest, rest and rest

Sarah

Ree_Maryland's picture
Ree_Maryland
Posts: 158
Joined: May 2014

NO DOUBT HERE KEEP UP THE FIGHT IT GIVE ALL OF US ENOOURGMENT . WISH I COULD SPELL LOL  HUGS FROM ME TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.

cancerat46's picture
cancerat46
Posts: 52
Joined: Feb 2013

Instead of going toward the light you fought to bring the light to you and used it to come back from the brink; amazing!! You are so generous of spirit to share your story with us. Rest and know we are all in your corner!

todd121's picture
todd121
Posts: 1425
Joined: Dec 2012

Glad to hear from you. Hang in...hell, you know already. :)

I missed this until you said you'd posted it. When it's a multi-page thread, the "NEW" doesn't show up on new posts on the next pages when you page to them. Annoying.

Cheering for you.

Hugs,

Todd

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