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im at a lost for words and a feeling of a lost for fight

johnnybegood's picture
Posts: 1122
Joined: Oct 2008

Hello my friends im sorry it has taken me awhile to post thank you so much mom(wolfen) for keeping our friends updated on me.my last bout in the hospital is kind of a blur as everything happened so fast.the turning yellow thing got worse so they had me come in for labs and ct scan come to find out the spot on the head of my pancreas was pushing my bile duct closed so they put a steel stent in there to open it up and said i could go home all in the same day.then i spent the next 5 days with  those awful stomach cramps and diahreah im guessing from the chemo i had.went to see onc on monday 20th and was supposed to get chemo on wednesday 22nd and i said no can do im weak and just cant get my poison this week he said ok but we really need to start this next week and we need to hit this HARD and get these spots under control.i dont know what is happening to me but mentally and physically I AM TIRED.i had a meeting with my pastor last night and he said nothing is wrong with you its just when you have fought the fight for so long and so hard your body wears down and it does get tired.so i will give chemo another chance next week but now i have to look at this one treatment at a time and see what it does to my body.if i have another trip to the hospital because of some kind of complications well then i think my body is telling me you have had enough kid please dont put anymore poison in me.thanks for listening i love you all.....Godbless....johnnybegood

Posts: 1607
Joined: Aug 2012

I'm at a loss for words too JBG. I have such respect for how hard you've fought this horrible disease. Your great faith must give you comfort that no matter what happens you will have a good outcome. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family. I wish we could all take a bit of your pain to lighten your load :(

herdizziness's picture
Posts: 3642
Joined: Apr 2010

You've got our love, tears, and prayers for your body to get well enough to give you a decent break from all that you have been going through.  You have been through so much and for so long, but I'm going to keep my fingers crossed and prayers to the Gods that be that you get some respite and then kick cancer arse for a while longer.

My heart is with you,

Winter Marie

Posts: 2215
Joined: Oct 2011

I fully understand how you feel. I stopped FOLFIRI after 10 rounds of a scheduled 12 back in 08. I almost stopped FOLFIRI again 2 years ago after 10 round but friends and family convinced me to keep going. Each time I ended up in the hospital twice with either blood clots or severe dehydration. My decision to stop was much easier for me thatn you since it was after surgery and there was no visible cancer at the time. All I can say is that whatever you decide to do is to make sure you are at piece with your decision regarless of the outcome.

You are heavily in my thoughts and prayers, I truly feel for you with what you have been going through.

devotion10's picture
Posts: 631
Joined: Jan 2010

your heart and your faith will guide you. Listen closely, try to stay in the present, and whatever you decide regarding future treatments ... it is your body and it is your life ... you are in control. The quality of your life versus the quantity of your life is important.  But, this will reveal itself to you when the time is right. Let yourself heal some from this recent trauma and then perhaps how you move forward will reveal itself.

Wishing you all the best.

Peace. ~ Cynthia



annalexandria's picture
Posts: 2573
Joined: Oct 2011

that's all really any of us can do, esp when you've been dealing with this awful stuff for so long.  I think it sounds very reasonable to take each tx as it comes, and then make the decision about the next.  There's no rule that says you have to do this in a certain way...what is right for one may not be right for another.

You have all our respect and love for your courage in walking this path, JBG.  Whatever you decide, it will be the right choice for you.

Hopes for peace and strength coming your way~AA

karguy's picture
Posts: 1024
Joined: Apr 2009

I know how you feel,but you can't give up,you have to keep on fighting this evil cancer.You have to do what ever you can to keep your body strong.I have missed chemo too,but I decided there is still alot of things I have to do so I refuse to give up yet,and you shouldn't either.I know what it's like to be tired.I am now on my fourth tumor,maybe sixth,I won't find out till after the tests.I will keep praying for you,and send hugs,and good vibes.Just don't ever give up to cancer.Good luck,and take care.

Helen321's picture
Posts: 1409
Joined: May 2012

You definitely deserve a break.  I really hope that you get the rest that you need and deserve.  You have been amazingly supportive and I only wish I could take away your pain and discomfort.  All you can do is your best and sometimes not even that.  Spend some time in bed and have peole deliver things to you.  Give your brain the day off too.   Love to you and sending good juju!  Helen

Lovekitties's picture
Posts: 3346
Joined: Jan 2010

Let your faith be your guide.

May you find the answers you seek and the peace that you deserve.

Love and hugs,

Marie who loves kitties

toyfox's picture
Posts: 158
Joined: Apr 2011

Your in my thoughts and prayers


Posts: 1170
Joined: Sep 2012

Hi JBG.  Thinking about you and wishing I could help.  I get sick of saying and thinking the same old thoughts repeatedly but geez, I just can't get over the unfairness of it all.  So many good people suffering from this godforsaken disease.  Please know that no matter what you decide, you truly are an inspiration to us all.



LivinginNH's picture
Posts: 1458
Joined: Apr 2010


I wish that I could just wrap my arms around you and tell you that this was all a bad dream and that it was now time to wake up.  :(   I'll be holding you in my heart....


maglets's picture
Posts: 2596
Joined: Jun 2006

oh baby girl.....i am so so numb ....you are fighting so hard and you never complain. Take a few breaths take a wee respite and see what comes along. Like Cyn I just wish I could wrap you up and take it all away....

love you.......mags

Posts: 271
Joined: Nov 2011

I'm so sorry JBG for your news and feeling so awful.


It always angered me that your 3 spots on your liver and spots on your lung were found during a yearly CT scan.  At 2 years I was still having CT scans every four months!  I just always felt like someone dropped the ball in your follow up and that this could have been a lot easier and you could have remained healthier if they'd kept on top of stuff.


What's done is done.  I know you're a woman of faith and I'll be praying for you. 

devotion10's picture
Posts: 631
Joined: Jan 2010

decisions made either by the patient or physicians regarding treatment.

I know when I first came to the board and reported that my husband had a reoccurrence and distant spread after a transanal excision ... We were devastated ... One poster responded with a comment ... "let me guess, no chemotherapy after surgery, right?" 

It was a hurtful comment because there is nothing that can be done with past decisions ... It induces distrust of one's medical caretakers and also guilt that one was not more proactive as a patient.

In my opinion ... It is better to focus on what support can be provided in the here and now as after all that is where an individual's control and personal power now exist.

I mean no disrespect. In this instance and likely in every instance ... there is certainly no ill will intended. I hear your genuine and loving concern for JBG.

JBG is such a dear soul that I doubt she would even mind or read it this way and maybe I am just feeling extra protrctive of her at this time, but I think comments like this can illicit potential regret for past decisions and add sadness to an already challenging situation. 

My motto: Be Here Now.

Peace. ~ Cynthia


Posts: 2215
Joined: Oct 2011

I couldnt agree with you more Cynthia. There is no need to bring up the past and pour salr in the wounds.

Phil64's picture
Posts: 835
Joined: Apr 2012

JBG, that is all any of us can do. Is take one day at a time. Praise God for this day. And thank you Lord for all those loved ones. And ask God for the strength to carry on.

This is the day that the Lord has made; Let us rejoice and be glad in it. Even when this is so very hard to do.

And remember; rest is something Jesus taught us to do. He took time to rest and we must do this as well.

You are in my prayers.

Love and Light to you today!


marbleotis's picture
Posts: 706
Joined: Mar 2012

JBG please go easier on yourself.  You have gone through such a tough time both mentally and physically.  Your body and mind needs a little relax to recharge.

Please try to get some good rest.


Keep us posted.

Love and prayers to you!

Kathleen808's picture
Posts: 2361
Joined: Jan 2009


My prayers are with you.  Know that we are here with you all the way.  We will help you through one day at a time as you decide what you will do.  And, if you change your mind, we will stay with you.  Thinking of you.



Coloncancerblows's picture
Posts: 296
Joined: Feb 2013


I am so sorry for what you're going through.  There were days when I was going thru chemo where I thought I just couldn't take it anymore but decided I wasn't going to let a stupid thing like cancer beat me.  Stay strong and keep fighting the fight.  I'll be praying for you.


Trubrit's picture
Posts: 5193
Joined: Jan 2013

up and above water. I'm sure thats probably how you are feeling right now .

I can only begin to imagnie how exhausted with everything, you are. In comparrison to you, my journey has been short, and I was at times at my wits end. 

You are in my thoughts and prayers. 

If you feel your head giong under, we'll be here (along with your loved ones) to pull you up. 


thxmiker's picture
Posts: 1282
Joined: Oct 2010

Keep Strong!   We are keeping up the prayers for your health and strength!


Best Always,  mike

Posts: 1019
Joined: Aug 2013

You have been fighting so hard. I agree, if you need a break, your body knows, take it. You can try again when you build up some strength. I am thinking of you and praying that the good Lord guides you.


Annabelle41415's picture
Posts: 6525
Joined: Feb 2009

My goodness I'm just at a loss for words.  I'm thinking we had much of the same diagnose date and now finding you in this position I'm so saddened by your situation.  Can understand where you are coming from, but so sad that you have come to this "fork in the road".  You have always shown me your strength in God and your love for something beyond this life.  May God direct you in your decision and may your journey be you and God's decision alone and no one else's.  Peace to your soul and may your treatments forward be what you decide, not your body.

Love and Hugs!  Kim

tootsie1's picture
Posts: 5056
Joined: Feb 2008

I'm sorry things have been so rough for you, dear. You have had quite a battle! Praying things will be improving for you now!




Sundanceh's picture
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

Praying for you....it just sounds so rough for you.  Wish I could help you more.  I'm following you Thursday with spleen surgery and hope it works and raises platelets.  Hard to wish for that just so you can do chemo, but you know the decisions we have to make along the way.

It is so tiring as you said.


fatbob2010's picture
Posts: 467
Joined: May 2012


My experience has been the same as your Pastor's.  We reach a  time in our journey when the body and will are depleted.  This is normal and to be expected during the course of a long fight.  As others have said...no one knows the decisions we have to make or how gut wrenching they can be.  Because of that, those that have not walked in the shoes have no standing in the discussion of how we choose to manage our live's.

Your decision to fight on is an inspiration.  Please be sure, in your own heart, that you are doing what is best for you.

Blessings and hopes of comfort and peace for you and your family.


Hooley's picture
Posts: 156
Joined: Aug 2012

you are Gods child and He holds u in the palm of ahis hand.   Keep,praising, singing His praises. He loves you as u know beyond comprehension.   God bless u abundantly and please dear God give him your strength and peace that pasethicsseth all understanding

KathiM's picture
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

And your mom, too!  (group hug!)


Hugs, Kathi

Nana b's picture
Nana b
Posts: 3045
Joined: May 2009

I just saw this.  Hang in there!   Don't give up.  You need to rest and eat green.  Drink fruit smoothies. Your body needs all the right fuel right now. I'm right beside you in this journey, it sucks and we are tired.  We must keep pressing.  


Where do you live? 

Maxiecat's picture
Posts: 544
Joined: Jul 2012

Just put one foot in front of the other and keep going.  You are not Alone...We are all here with you cheering you on.  I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers that this next round of chemo works and is pain and side-effect free.


god bless you.


geotina's picture
Posts: 2120
Joined: Oct 2009

I am sorry you have are having so much difficulty with your treatments.  I am sending you love, hugs and peace with whatever decision you make. 

Love - tina

sharpy102's picture
Posts: 370
Joined: Apr 2009

Every fight is a hard fight. And the longer they last, the harder they feel because your body tries to tolerate all those toxins, but it's hard on it. The "recovery times" between the chemos seem less and less for the body to refuel and be ready for the next round. It's is completely understandable what you are feeling. I wish you strength! Try to fight the fight! However, if at any point, you decide it's time to resign- I respect that. But until then fight the fight as hard as you can! I will keep you in my thoughts!

thxmiker's picture
Posts: 1282
Joined: Oct 2010

We are sending our continued thoughts and prayers for your strength.  Chemo and cancer is a monster to face!   Get mentally strong and then physically strong.  It wlll take some time, but both are obatainable.


Eat, drink, and keep positive thoughts!


Best Always,  mike

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