im at a lost for words and a feeling of a lost for fight

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johnnybegood
johnnybegood Member Posts: 1,117 Member

Hello my friends im sorry it has taken me awhile to post thank you so much mom(wolfen) for keeping our friends updated on me.my last bout in the hospital is kind of a blur as everything happened so fast.the turning yellow thing got worse so they had me come in for labs and ct scan come to find out the spot on the head of my pancreas was pushing my bile duct closed so they put a steel stent in there to open it up and said i could go home all in the same day.then i spent the next 5 days with  those awful stomach cramps and diahreah im guessing from the chemo i had.went to see onc on monday 20th and was supposed to get chemo on wednesday 22nd and i said no can do im weak and just cant get my poison this week he said ok but we really need to start this next week and we need to hit this HARD and get these spots under control.i dont know what is happening to me but mentally and physically I AM TIRED.i had a meeting with my pastor last night and he said nothing is wrong with you its just when you have fought the fight for so long and so hard your body wears down and it does get tired.so i will give chemo another chance next week but now i have to look at this one treatment at a time and see what it does to my body.if i have another trip to the hospital because of some kind of complications well then i think my body is telling me you have had enough kid please dont put anymore poison in me.thanks for listening i love you all.....Godbless....johnnybegood

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Comments

  • jen2012
    jen2012 Member Posts: 1,607 Member
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    I'm at a loss for words too
    I'm at a loss for words too JBG. I have such respect for how hard you've fought this horrible disease. Your great faith must give you comfort that no matter what happens you will have a good outcome. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family. I wish we could all take a bit of your pain to lighten your load :(
  • herdizziness
    herdizziness Member Posts: 3,624 Member
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    JBG

    You've got our love, tears, and prayers for your body to get well enough to give you a decent break from all that you have been going through.  You have been through so much and for so long, but I'm going to keep my fingers crossed and prayers to the Gods that be that you get some respite and then kick cancer arse for a while longer.

    My heart is with you,

    Winter Marie

  • janderson1964
    janderson1964 Member Posts: 2,215 Member
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    I fully understand how you

    I fully understand how you feel. I stopped FOLFIRI after 10 rounds of a scheduled 12 back in 08. I almost stopped FOLFIRI again 2 years ago after 10 round but friends and family convinced me to keep going. Each time I ended up in the hospital twice with either blood clots or severe dehydration. My decision to stop was much easier for me thatn you since it was after surgery and there was no visible cancer at the time. All I can say is that whatever you decide to do is to make sure you are at piece with your decision regarless of the outcome.

    You are heavily in my thoughts and prayers, I truly feel for you with what you have been going through.

  • devotion10
    devotion10 Member Posts: 623 Member
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    JBG ... You are a woman of strong faith and conviction ...

    your heart and your faith will guide you. Listen closely, try to stay in the present, and whatever you decide regarding future treatments ... it is your body and it is your life ... you are in control. The quality of your life versus the quantity of your life is important.  But, this will reveal itself to you when the time is right. Let yourself heal some from this recent trauma and then perhaps how you move forward will reveal itself.

    Wishing you all the best.

    Peace. ~ Cynthia

     

     

  • annalexandria
    annalexandria Member Posts: 2,571 Member
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    One day at a time...

    that's all really any of us can do, esp when you've been dealing with this awful stuff for so long.  I think it sounds very reasonable to take each tx as it comes, and then make the decision about the next.  There's no rule that says you have to do this in a certain way...what is right for one may not be right for another.

    You have all our respect and love for your courage in walking this path, JBG.  Whatever you decide, it will be the right choice for you.

    Hopes for peace and strength coming your way~AA

  • karguy
    karguy Member Posts: 1,020 Member
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    I know

    I know how you feel,but you can't give up,you have to keep on fighting this evil cancer.You have to do what ever you can to keep your body strong.I have missed chemo too,but I decided there is still alot of things I have to do so I refuse to give up yet,and you shouldn't either.I know what it's like to be tired.I am now on my fourth tumor,maybe sixth,I won't find out till after the tests.I will keep praying for you,and send hugs,and good vibes.Just don't ever give up to cancer.Good luck,and take care.

  • Helen321
    Helen321 Member Posts: 1,459 Member
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    Hi Johnybegood

    You definitely deserve a break.  I really hope that you get the rest that you need and deserve.  You have been amazingly supportive and I only wish I could take away your pain and discomfort.  All you can do is your best and sometimes not even that.  Spend some time in bed and have peole deliver things to you.  Give your brain the day off too.   Love to you and sending good juju!  Helen

  • Lovekitties
    Lovekitties Member Posts: 3,364 Member
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    Dear JBG

    Let your faith be your guide.

    May you find the answers you seek and the peace that you deserve.

    Love and hugs,

    Marie who loves kitties

  • toyfox
    toyfox Member Posts: 158 Member
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    lost for words

    Your in my thoughts and prayers

    Linda

  • Chelsea71
    Chelsea71 Member Posts: 1,169 Member
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    Hi JBG.  Thinking about you

    Hi JBG.  Thinking about you and wishing I could help.  I get sick of saying and thinking the same old thoughts repeatedly but geez, I just can't get over the unfairness of it all.  So many good people suffering from this godforsaken disease.  Please know that no matter what you decide, you truly are an inspiration to us all.

    Chelsea

     

  • LivinginNH
    LivinginNH Member Posts: 1,456 Member
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    I wish that I could just

     

    I wish that I could just wrap my arms around you and tell you that this was all a bad dream and that it was now time to wake up.  :(   I'll be holding you in my heart....

    Cyn

  • maglets
    maglets Member Posts: 2,576 Member
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    I wish that I could just

     

    I wish that I could just wrap my arms around you and tell you that this was all a bad dream and that it was now time to wake up.  :(   I'll be holding you in my heart....

    Cyn

    jbg

    oh baby girl.....i am so so numb ....you are fighting so hard and you never complain. Take a few breaths take a wee respite and see what comes along. Like Cyn I just wish I could wrap you up and take it all away....

    love you.......mags

  • PatchAdams
    PatchAdams Member Posts: 271
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    So sorry.......

    I'm so sorry JBG for your news and feeling so awful.

     

    It always angered me that your 3 spots on your liver and spots on your lung were found during a yearly CT scan.  At 2 years I was still having CT scans every four months!  I just always felt like someone dropped the ball in your follow up and that this could have been a lot easier and you could have remained healthier if they'd kept on top of stuff.

     

    What's done is done.  I know you're a woman of faith and I'll be praying for you. 

  • devotion10
    devotion10 Member Posts: 623 Member
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    So sorry.......

    I'm so sorry JBG for your news and feeling so awful.

     

    It always angered me that your 3 spots on your liver and spots on your lung were found during a yearly CT scan.  At 2 years I was still having CT scans every four months!  I just always felt like someone dropped the ball in your follow up and that this could have been a lot easier and you could have remained healthier if they'd kept on top of stuff.

     

    What's done is done.  I know you're a woman of faith and I'll be praying for you. 

    Hmmm ... I am not sure that it is helpful to focus on the past

    decisions made either by the patient or physicians regarding treatment.

    I know when I first came to the board and reported that my husband had a reoccurrence and distant spread after a transanal excision ... We were devastated ... One poster responded with a comment ... "let me guess, no chemotherapy after surgery, right?" 

    It was a hurtful comment because there is nothing that can be done with past decisions ... It induces distrust of one's medical caretakers and also guilt that one was not more proactive as a patient.

    In my opinion ... It is better to focus on what support can be provided in the here and now as after all that is where an individual's control and personal power now exist.

    I mean no disrespect. In this instance and likely in every instance ... there is certainly no ill will intended. I hear your genuine and loving concern for JBG.

    JBG is such a dear soul that I doubt she would even mind or read it this way and maybe I am just feeling extra protrctive of her at this time, but I think comments like this can illicit potential regret for past decisions and add sadness to an already challenging situation. 

    My motto: Be Here Now.

    Peace. ~ Cynthia

     

  • janderson1964
    janderson1964 Member Posts: 2,215 Member
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    Hmmm ... I am not sure that it is helpful to focus on the past

    decisions made either by the patient or physicians regarding treatment.

    I know when I first came to the board and reported that my husband had a reoccurrence and distant spread after a transanal excision ... We were devastated ... One poster responded with a comment ... "let me guess, no chemotherapy after surgery, right?" 

    It was a hurtful comment because there is nothing that can be done with past decisions ... It induces distrust of one's medical caretakers and also guilt that one was not more proactive as a patient.

    In my opinion ... It is better to focus on what support can be provided in the here and now as after all that is where an individual's control and personal power now exist.

    I mean no disrespect. In this instance and likely in every instance ... there is certainly no ill will intended. I hear your genuine and loving concern for JBG.

    JBG is such a dear soul that I doubt she would even mind or read it this way and maybe I am just feeling extra protrctive of her at this time, but I think comments like this can illicit potential regret for past decisions and add sadness to an already challenging situation. 

    My motto: Be Here Now.

    Peace. ~ Cynthia

     

    I couldnt agree with you more

    I couldnt agree with you more Cynthia. There is no need to bring up the past and pour salr in the wounds.

  • Phil64
    Phil64 Member Posts: 838 Member
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    One day at a time

    JBG, that is all any of us can do. Is take one day at a time. Praise God for this day. And thank you Lord for all those loved ones. And ask God for the strength to carry on.

    This is the day that the Lord has made; Let us rejoice and be glad in it. Even when this is so very hard to do.

    And remember; rest is something Jesus taught us to do. He took time to rest and we must do this as well.

    You are in my prayers.

    Love and Light to you today!

    Phliip

  • marbleotis
    marbleotis Member Posts: 720 Member
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    JBG

    JBG please go easier on yourself.  You have gone through such a tough time both mentally and physically.  Your body and mind needs a little relax to recharge.

    Please try to get some good rest.

     

    Keep us posted.

    Love and prayers to you!

  • Kathleen808
    Kathleen808 Member Posts: 2,342 Member
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    jbg

    jbg,

    My prayers are with you.  Know that we are here with you all the way.  We will help you through one day at a time as you decide what you will do.  And, if you change your mind, we will stay with you.  Thinking of you.

    Aloha,

    Kathleen

  • Coloncancerblows
    Coloncancerblows Member Posts: 296 Member
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    JBG,
    I am so sorry for what

    JBG,

    I am so sorry for what you're going through.  There were days when I was going thru chemo where I thought I just couldn't take it anymore but decided I wasn't going to let a stupid thing like cancer beat me.  Stay strong and keep fighting the fight.  I'll be praying for you.

    Cynthia

  • Trubrit
    Trubrit Member Posts: 5,800 Member
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    Chin up

    up and above water. I'm sure thats probably how you are feeling right now .

    I can only begin to imagnie how exhausted with everything, you are. In comparrison to you, my journey has been short, and I was at times at my wits end. 

    You are in my thoughts and prayers. 

    If you feel your head giong under, we'll be here (along with your loved ones) to pull you up. 

    Blessings!