Facing Death - Awkward!

lizzydavis
lizzydavis Member Posts: 893
edited March 2012 in Colorectal Cancer #1
Hi Everyone,

Years ago, I had discussions with others about whether or not I would ever want to know if I was going to die. I didn't think I could handle it but now I know I can. It is a difficult and weird feeling but I am also very glad that I have the opportunity to do some things I want to do and get things in order. I feel so strange knowing that I will live less than a year (although no one really knows the exact time when they are going to die). Talk about looking at things differently after a diagnosis... whew! Just overwhelming sometimes.

I have been thinning out the house which has made me very happy. It makes a difference to live with fewer things around me - a good difference. However, there are still items I am not ready to ditch. I have heard it said that we only rent things on earth. True. It is only stuff and we can't take it with us.

I wish there was a manual on how to die. Maybe there is. I am doing the best I know how to do but I still feel there are certain things I could do but do not have a handle on it. I have made funeral arrangements and combined things for my husband so that he will have an easier way of dealing with loose ends.

Random thoughts and questions. Which charities are the best? Should I plan to stay home at the end or move into a Hospice organization? What can I do to help others before and at the end? How do I continue to live and still sit out this wait?

I have told my husband that I want him to be happy when I am gone. He has been so good to me that I only want him to begin a new chapter in his life and find a loving companion and be happy in the days ahead.

I think it would be easier if I could talk to someone who has died. Wouldn't that be terrific? Just kidding. Friends, I hope you all will forgive me for rattling on with ridiculous thoughts. I don’t know if it is chemo brain or the pain meds. But I am living now and laughing and enjoying the beautiful sunshine.

Everyday we wake up is a gift! Any comments are more than welcome.

Lizzy
«1345

Comments

  • Jaylo969
    Jaylo969 Member Posts: 824
    Hello Lizzy
    Hi Lizzy! It is amazing...I have been thinking of you all week long and have frequently come online to see if there was any word from you. Imagine my delight to see that you had posted.

    Aww Lizzy, I wish I could wave a magic wand and make you whole and healthy. I wish I had all the answers. I don't. I believe you are handling your situation most graciously and I can only hope that I could do the same.

    I don't know of a manual on how to die but there have been numerous others before us, and will be after us, who have made that transition gracefully.I think the fear of the unknown is what scares so many of us.Like taking a trip in uncharted waters.Lizzy, I have always heard that if we listen real close there is a still, small voice right within us that can and will guide us through all difficulties. I personally have found this to be true for myself.

    Thank you so much Lizzy for checking in.My heart, my thoughts, my prayers will be with you.

    Peace and love to you,
    -Pat
  • lizzydavis
    lizzydavis Member Posts: 893
    Jaylo969 said:

    Hello Lizzy
    Hi Lizzy! It is amazing...I have been thinking of you all week long and have frequently come online to see if there was any word from you. Imagine my delight to see that you had posted.

    Aww Lizzy, I wish I could wave a magic wand and make you whole and healthy. I wish I had all the answers. I don't. I believe you are handling your situation most graciously and I can only hope that I could do the same.

    I don't know of a manual on how to die but there have been numerous others before us, and will be after us, who have made that transition gracefully.I think the fear of the unknown is what scares so many of us.Like taking a trip in uncharted waters.Lizzy, I have always heard that if we listen real close there is a still, small voice right within us that can and will guide us through all difficulties. I personally have found this to be true for myself.

    Thank you so much Lizzy for checking in.My heart, my thoughts, my prayers will be with you.

    Peace and love to you,
    -Pat

    Thanks, Pat!
    Thanks, Pat! I have heard that voice you mentioned.

    Hugs and love to you,

    Lizzy
  • thxmiker
    thxmiker Member Posts: 1,278
    Enjoy Our Time here!
    I am glad that you can appreciate what you have!

    Our thoughts and prayers are with you, to be able to live life to the fullest!
    Best Always, mike
  • PhillieG
    PhillieG Member Posts: 4,866
    I Must Have Missed Some Posts...
    Some good general advice is to live everyday like it's our last because it just could be.
    -phil
  • thingy45
    thingy45 Member Posts: 632
    PhillieG said:

    I Must Have Missed Some Posts...
    Some good general advice is to live everyday like it's our last because it just could be.
    -phil

    enjoy the love
    Dear Lizzy,
    Live everyday to the fullest, enjoy the love of family and friends, I know you have many. You are such a gracious Lady, your husband is a lucky man to have you as a partner who is still looking out for him.

    A friend of mine started a journal, when she was told she had 6 months left, and wrote to each of her friends and family a chapter. Things she would not and could not say to us in person. I treasure my chapter.

    Yes, if we could ol,y talk to someone who has gone before us, that would be awesome. However such is the mistery of life. I believe us awaits an eternal live of beauty and love and health.
    Try not to think to far ahead, enjoy each glorious morning and minute of the day. Today is a great day, tomorrow we will see again.
    Love you and admire you, in my thought and heart,
    Marjan
  • maglets
    maglets Member Posts: 2,576
    PhillieG said:

    I Must Have Missed Some Posts...
    Some good general advice is to live everyday like it's our last because it just could be.
    -phil

    ohhh Lizzy
    Lizzy I LOVE you

    let me just think about what you have said. Sometimes I feel I am where you are but I know just not yet.....and what a difference it makes. Lizzy it is wonderful to hear your thoughts...

    mags.....sigh and hug.....
  • Cathleen Mary
    Cathleen Mary Member Posts: 827
    maglets said:

    ohhh Lizzy
    Lizzy I LOVE you

    let me just think about what you have said. Sometimes I feel I am where you are but I know just not yet.....and what a difference it makes. Lizzy it is wonderful to hear your thoughts...

    mags.....sigh and hug.....

    Lizzy, I have"met" you more

    Lizzy, I have"met" you more from perusing than posting but always admired the strength you showed. ...perhaps, never more than now.
    I have no "how to" advice but something I carry with me from 21 years of working with pediatric cancer patients...."out of the mouths of babes."
    When I was diagnosed and looking for guidance, I remembered 3 things in particular from these little ones that I fall back on:

    ~ children don't battle cancer, they encounter it and play harder than ever.
    ~ They let people love them
    ~ And, I will always remember a conversation I overheard in the playroom between two 5 year olds, Brian with leukemia and Jason with a brain tumor. As only children can, Jason asked Brian if he was dying. Brian, without skipping a beat, replied. "Yuh, and it's awesome!"

    I know that you will be given what you need.....and, I hope, more time here with loved ones than you might expect.

    Hugs,
    Cathleen Mary
  • tko683
    tko683 Member Posts: 264
    Thinking of you lately
    Hi Lizzy! I was so glad to see your post, I have been thinking about you and wondering how you were doing. I agree with all the posts here....live each day to the fullest and enjoy each and every moment. Everyday we wake up truly is a gift. I wish there was a manual and someone who could tell you about what really happens when you die. I've thought about it alot but i have no answers....but I think having time to get things in order is definately comforting. I have also heard from many that having Hospice come to your home is amazing. They are wonderful from what I hear. I pray that you have many more days than you think and praying for your days to continue to be filled with laughter and sunshine! Hugs, Teri
  • steveandnat
    steveandnat Member Posts: 886
    Your the best
    Lizzy, I can really understand where you are coming from. Before cancer and this sentence hanging over us, I took most everything for granted. Now everything and everyday is so special. I know friends that have died suddenly and never had a chance to say goodbye or prepare for the ending. I guess that is one good thing with cancer is we do have time to tell those that we love how much they mean to us. I just pray that your good days are more than anyone expects. God bless.
    Jeff
  • lizzydavis
    lizzydavis Member Posts: 893

    Your the best
    Lizzy, I can really understand where you are coming from. Before cancer and this sentence hanging over us, I took most everything for granted. Now everything and everyday is so special. I know friends that have died suddenly and never had a chance to say goodbye or prepare for the ending. I guess that is one good thing with cancer is we do have time to tell those that we love how much they mean to us. I just pray that your good days are more than anyone expects. God bless.
    Jeff

    Jeff, Teri, Cathleen Mary, Mags, Marjan, Phil, Mike, and Pat,
    Thanks so much to everyone for posting! Your comments certainly calm me and put a warm feeling in my heart.


    Hugs and thanks,
    Lizzy
  • Lifeisajourney
    Lifeisajourney Member Posts: 216
    Lizzy
    I read your post and have felt the same. I was just glad to know there was someone else out there with my same feelings. I wish you luck in your journey,having no chemo has made my life bearable and I can think about things, just celebrated my 69th birthday today and it was a good day....I told the Dr. I wish I were two people and do it with chemo and without and just see the results, but can't so made my choice. Some days are good and some not so, but I am alive and living and we will see how it goes...thanks for your post, it is good to know I am not alone. Pat
  • tootsie1
    tootsie1 Member Posts: 5,044 Member
    So thoughtful
    It sounds to me like you have a good handle on things. I'm not sure I could be so composed and thoughtful about it all.

    If hospice near you is as wonderful as it is here, that would certainly be something to consider. They do seem to make it so much better for the patient and the family.

    You have been a wonderful contributor to this board, and I certainly hope you'll be here for a long time to come.

    *hugs*
    Gail
  • pete43lost_at_sea
    pete43lost_at_sea Member Posts: 3,900
    its a beautiful post lizzy
    all any of us has is today.
    nothing to forgive, just a person to admire.

    hugs,
    pete
  • brianm
    brianm Member Posts: 16
    Lizzy, your post just got my
    Lizzy, your post just got my attention, I have not posted in a very long time. My husband died in Feb 09 after 4 years illness. He was told in Jan 09 that his illness was no longer treatable and he had 4 weeks to live after that day. During this time he worked really hard with our two children, 16 and 11yrs old at that time, he talked at length with them about the journey he was about to take and at times while listening to him he made it sound exciting.He wrote to them both and they have these letters which are treasured! He also worked hard on some of his family members who were struggling to accept his imminent death and made them hear him about his life and how happy he had been in it!
    When Brian died I was incredibly proud of how he dealt with it all, he organised his funeral and wrote his own eulogy as he did not want anyone else to speak about him feeling they might be too boastful of him!!!

    There is a book titled, Legacy of love, the gift of goodbye, by Gemini Ahern, I heard her speak after Brian's death and it seemed like Brian followed all her advice even tho he knew nothing of this book.

    I also spent the last four weeks by his side and we talked and laughed untill the end, it was an amazing experience and even tho I am very lonely and sad without him in my life I would not have wanted to do anything differently and there is great comfort for me in knowing that! Hope this is some help and enjoy every moment as much as you can,

    Love Jackie
  • brianm
    brianm Member Posts: 16
    Lizzy, sorry the author of
    Lizzy, sorry the author of that book is Gemini Adams! XXXX
  • karguy
    karguy Member Posts: 1,020
    We don't
    We don't know how long we have,so as a nun who was dying of cancer once said"every day is a gift from God".No one know what she meant untill she died 6 months later.Before my brother died of cancer he used to say,when it's your time it's your time,so enjoy your family,and your friends as much as you can,an make some memories.I will be praying for you.
  • Joy1216
    Joy1216 Member Posts: 290
    Blue Colon Cancer Bracelets
    Lizzie, every time I wear my blue colon cancer bracelet I think of you because I ordered the bracelet from you several years ago. After all, this is Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month.

    I am not surprised by how graciously you are preparing to die. You are such a strong woman and are planning for the future. I'm keeping you in my prayers.

    Joy
  • plh4gail
    plh4gail Member Posts: 1,238
    Everyday we wake up is a
    Everyday we wake up is a gift....you are a gift Lizzy!

    huggin you, gail
  • tommycat
    tommycat Member Posts: 790
    What a sad, yet admirable
    What a sad, yet admirable post. Wish we could meet in person.
    Your Friend
  • lizzydavis
    lizzydavis Member Posts: 893
    tommycat said:

    What a sad, yet admirable
    What a sad, yet admirable post. Wish we could meet in person.
    Your Friend

    Thank you!
    Thank you!

    Lizzy