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A sad day

lisa42's picture
lisa42
Posts: 3661
Joined: Jul 2008

Hello friends,

Today was a sad day for me my family and many of my friends. I have not been feeling well at all lately- breathing is very compromised and my heart just pounds. Today at rest in the dr's office, my heart rate was 137. It didn't even feel like it was pounding at that moment to me. I can only imagine what it must go up to when I'm gasping for air and my heart feels like it's going to pound right out of my chest. I'm even kind of afraid of having a heart attack. Anyhow, you may remember me talking before about how I was worried because there's "something" hard and sticking out in my right abdomen, right below my liver resection scar. At that time, my onc thought it was most likely growing scar tissue. I was worried it was a new and growing tumor. I had an ultrasound & they said "no abdominal mass seen", which ruled out it being a new tumor. The ultrasound report was pretty vague and showed all the organs as normal except for the liver having "multiple metastasis", but it didn't say how many or what the sizes were & it didn't mention at all that my liver was swollen.

Well, it's been just two weeks since that time & whatever "it" was, it grew quite a bit until it was pushing down almost to my hip bone, out on my right side, upwards into my lung (or maybe the diaphram), and apparently into some nerves in my back because I've been having a lot of mid-lower back pain on the right side for the past 5 days now. My oncologist confirmed that it is an enlarged liver and it's putting pressure on everything in my right abdominal side. They went ahead and did a port flush and drew my blood today to test my liver enzymes, among all the rest. I'll have those results on Monday.

After discussing several things, I said to my oncologist, "If I don't get a miracle, which I still do believe can happen- based on how you see me now and experience with other patients you've had, please be honest and tell me about how long you think I have left." I have truly been thinking in this past week that I'm startinIg to die and that I may just have a month or two left. My onc got teary eyed and replied, "Miracle aside, and I also believe in miracles- I honestly think it's more like just a few weeks."
That was really hard to hear. I couldn't keep the tears hidden. My sister in law was also at the appointment with me and I'm glad she was there. My onc also talked about bringing in hospice care. Hospice isn't just for the very, very end- they can do lots to help you, comfort you, bring meds to the house, supply me with a wheel chair and hospital bed (so I can sleep downstairs-the stairs have been very hard to go up lately). So my husband and I talked about it & we are probably going to register with Elizabeth Hospice Monday or Tuesday. My onc said being registered with hospice would be a way to avoid the hospital- I still could if I wanted to, though. I'm afraid if I go into the hospital, that I won't ever come home. If I'm to die from this, I'd rather it be at home, not in the hospital.
My husband called me just as we pulled out of the parking lot after my appointment to ask how my appt went. I told him it was probably better if we talked later. He kept pressing me & I told him I didn't want to upset him while he was at work. Well, saying that, then I guess he felt he had to know. So, I did tell him all the details (while my sister in law drove my car). He obviously was quite upset. I found out when he got home this evening that he shared the news with his coworkers and they all cried. Then he left early and went to go talk to his mom and sister. He's been so loving, sweet, and helpful to me lately & so have my kids. One of my three kids knows- my oldest daughter/middle child, Amy. She's been crying and snuggling up to me- what an awful thing to have to tell your child. My kids are all kids that, even when news is bad, want to know right away what the news is. In the past, I've waited to tell them things and then they were upset that I hadn't told them earlier. My youngest daughter Allison is at a sleepover birthday party tonight & my son Alex came in the house and then left the house a short while later to go out (it's Friday night) with 4 friends of his, so obviously that wasn't the time. So, I had some one on one time with Amy, my oldest daughter this evening. My husband and I talked for a while earlier, but I think he was spent emotionally and he went to bed about 8:30 tonight. Well, my friends, I'm fairly spent emotionally too, so I'm going to stop writing and go to bed. I still appreciate prayers- especially now for my family.

Love to you all-
Lisa

maglets's picture
maglets
Posts: 2596
Joined: Jun 2006

I send only the very best love and respect for your journey

mags

gfpiv
Posts: 60
Joined: Apr 2010

Lisa,

I don’t post often, but follow this forum regularly. You truly have been a model of grace and compassion for all of us. Despite all of your challenges, you’ve never complained, never stopped fighting, and never stopped helping others. Your contributions to this community have been immeasurable, and you will long be remembered. I’ll keep hoping and praying for a miracle…though perhaps the miracle has already come to all those who have been fortunate enough to have known someone as special as you obviously are. My heartfelt best wishes for peace and comfort to you and your family.

-Chip

Cathleen Mary
Posts: 827
Joined: May 2011

Dear Lisa,

Like others, my presence on this board has been in the background. I write rarely but read and pray always. You have been such a gift to me on this cancer journey. Many a night I have slept better because of your words. I will continue to mention your name and those you love to God often. My heart aches for a miracle for you. May you know deep peace and blessings galore.
Hugs,
Cathleen Mary

Cathleen Mary
Posts: 827
Joined: May 2011

Dear Lisa,

Like others, my presence on this board has been in the background. I write rarely but read and pray always. You have been such a gift to me on this cancer journey. Many a night I have slept better because of your words. I will continue to mention your name and those you love to God often. My heart aches for a miracle for you. May you know deep peace and blessings galore.
Hugs,
Cathleen Mary

Fight for my love
Posts: 1530
Joined: Jun 2009

Dear Lisa,I can't believe what I have read,I really can't.I have been hoping for a miracle for you,for your family and for all of us.My heart sank,and I keep telling myself "no".Dear lisa,you are in my prayers as always.Pray a miracle for you and your family.

wolfen's picture
wolfen
Posts: 1325
Joined: Apr 2009

There are no adequate words to describe the anger and sadness I am feeling for you and your family. You have been and always will be a pioneer in your quest to help yourself and many others to fight this terrible disease. I remember many times how you stepped in to comfort Johnnybegood and me, even while facing ongoing barriers with your own illness and treatments. I truly do not understand "the plan" that God has for some. I know, however, that your faith is strong and for that, I am grateful. I, of course, will continue to hope every day for your miracle, and wish for comfort and peace for you and your family, and to echo the words heard here so many times, "Never Give Up".

Luv,

Wolfen

k1
Posts: 220
Joined: Dec 2009

I am so, so sorry, What grace you demonstrate in preparing us all, your firends and your family for the situation you are facing.

K1

usakat's picture
usakat
Posts: 625
Joined: Jul 2006

My dearest, Lisa ~ I'm so sorry...so sad...to read your post. You continue to be in my most ardent and loving thoughts and prayers. You have been such an inspiration to me and my mom over the years - we admire you for your strength, your beauty, your faith and your grace. Thank you for sharing yourself with us. Love to you always, Lisa....xoxo - Katie

emrose's picture
emrose
Posts: 137
Joined: Dec 2008

Lisa, I have very few words at a time like this. I agree with Rob - you truly have been a pillar of this community and a true source of inspiration for many. I respect and admire you deeply.

son of hal
Posts: 117
Joined: Mar 2011

Other men see only a hopeless end, but the Christian rejoices in an endless hope.
- Gilbert M. Beeken
Lisa- Just in shock. You've had such a rollercoaster of a fight with this disease I really thought you would be on the up hill again in no time. It truly saddens me beyond words to hear the finality in your post. I've been reading posts for two and a half years now and I don't want to think about you not being a part of this. You have made as much a contribution and positive impact here as any member ever has and your grace and courage has been one of the blocks in the foundation of this forum. I will continue to pray for you and your family, just for peace, in what ever the future holds. It's all anyone can hope for. If God's plan is to have you leave here I think I will imagine you left on your terms like Emily or Scouty and not due to cancer. If it should pass that you no longer post here I will not cry because we miss you, I will smile because we knew you. I will continue to be optomistic about your journey and look forward, as usual, to see you post again sometime. That is what hope is all about.
God Bless....

Another admirer, CJ

luvmum
Posts: 457
Joined: Dec 2010

Oh my heart is aching when I'm reading your message. I'm avoiding this site recently because I'm trying to avoid this topic, trying to forget my mum has it and she will leave me one day...
As a daughter, I really feel sorry for your kids. They are so young to experience all this.
You are such a strong woman and I truly admire your strength, your faith to God. You support me and all the others here wholeheartedly. Please stay strong and keep believing miracle.
I will pray for you and your family!
Lots of love
Dora

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1171
Joined: May 2008

am so sorry

michelle

jasminsaba
Posts: 157
Joined: Jul 2011

Lisa, I am praying for you and yours during this very challenging time. I believe in miracles and so should you.

Eltina21's picture
Eltina21
Posts: 174
Joined: May 2010

Prayers are on the way my sister.

RobinKaye
Posts: 93
Joined: Nov 2011

Lisa,

I've just been reading posts (rarely posting) since my husband was diagnosed. During the first few weeks I went back and read years worth...yours were always so helpful.

Though I haven't been a part of this group I feel I know so many of you. Reading your post broke my heart, I'm so sad for you, your husband and especially your kids. You will always be in my thoughts and prayers.

Robin

eibod
Posts: 160
Joined: Mar 2011

Oh Lisa, I am so sorry. You have been a champion on this board. I believe in miracles also, and will be praying for yours. Hospice will be such a wonderful help, and hopefully
can help with any needs you have. I sincerely hope the best for you, Brenda

janderson1964
Posts: 2215
Joined: Oct 2011

I am so so sorry to hear about the terrible news. I too believe in miracles. I will pray for you.

Jeff

cowman
Posts: 61
Joined: Jun 2009

As you can see by all the comments - you have touched many many people. You have made a difference on this board and I'm sure in your every day life also. That is a gift you have given. Thank you for that, Lisa. Hope you are getting relief for your breathing. I am praying for peace. You and your entire family have SO many prayers going up....God bless you, Lisa.

have2believe
Posts: 135
Joined: Dec 2010

Dear Lisa,
I have followed your posts for while now, and I am so inspired by your resilience. Words cannot describe how much I appreciate your willingness to share you experiences and your honesty. Ever since I read your message, my heart has felt heavy and I have continued to keep you in my thoughts. I know you are surrounded by so much love, from your family, your friends, and this online community. I hope your physical discomfort lessens and is no longer there, and I hope you will get more time. I still believe in miracles.

You have touched so many people and I am so thankful for all the wisdom, kindness and love you have given to everyone on this board.

Lana

tko683
Posts: 265
Joined: Aug 2011

Lisa,
I was so very sad to read your note. You are always so positive and helpful to so many on this board. I pray for peace, comfort and strength for you and your family. Hugs, Tero

steveandnat's picture
steveandnat
Posts: 887
Joined: Sep 2011

I was away for the weekend and just read the news. I wish that the miracle could happen for you because you a special person who really deserves it. I am praying for you and your family.
Jeff

amyb15's picture
amyb15
Posts: 109
Joined: Jun 2009

Lisa: I just happen to have logged on tonight after a few months of staying away from the boards. I am very sorry and deeply upset by your report. However....I do believe you may get your miracle. You have been such an inspiration to everyone on here including Brenda and I. Brenda passed away one year ago on 1/27/2011. It never gets easier, but somehow you go on. I am going to continue to pray that you get that miracle. It is out of your hands now. You have to give it over to God. You will be first on my prayer list tonight and everynight. I will be praying for that miracle. Much love to you.

Amy

amyb15's picture
amyb15
Posts: 109
Joined: Jun 2009

Lisa: I just happen to have logged on tonight after a few months of staying away from the boards. I am very sorry and deeply upset by your report. However....I do believe you may get your miracle. You have been such an inspiration to everyone on here including Brenda and I. Brenda passed away one year ago on 1/27/2011. It never gets easier, but somehow you go on. I am going to continue to pray that you get that miracle. It is out of your hands now. You have to give it over to God. You will be first on my prayer list tonight and everynight. I will be praying for that miracle. Much love to you.

Amy

SisterSledge's picture
SisterSledge
Posts: 342
Joined: Feb 2011

Hi Lisa,
I too, have been avoiding the site lately and not commenting when I do come to read...and I did read your post the day you wrote it and couldn't think of anything better/different than so many others have said here so well already. BUT, I don't want to miss the chance to tell you I LOVE YOU! I really hope you'll be here long times coming so I can tell you again and again here...but wherever you are, know you are loved by more hearts than there are stars in the sky <3
Janine

Kimo Sabe's picture
Kimo Sabe
Posts: 64
Joined: Aug 2011

what everyone says.
Miracles happen. I've seen them.
Norm

pscott1
Posts: 207
Joined: Jan 2011

My heart just ached when I read this tonight. I can't say how sad this makes me. You have been someone I have looked forward to your postings since I joined this board last year. Please know that you are loved even though I have never met you or heard your voice. I will still hold on for a miracle for you and at the same time pray that you have no more pain and peace dealing with this. I wish I could do something for you. I do find comfort in the fact that no matter how this turns out, all of us here share a bond and we will always be bound together by this common thread; as awful as it is. I will absolutely be remembering your family during this time. Please, when you can, keep us updated on how you are doing. Again, I wish you nothing but healing and peace.

Love and hugs,

Pam

Patteee's picture
Patteee
Posts: 950
Joined: Jul 2009

so so sorry that it is coming to this. I will hold you, your children and husband in prayer. Be at peace Lisa.be at peace.

herdizziness's picture
herdizziness
Posts: 3642
Joined: Apr 2010

Lisa,
I've been off a while, afraid of seeing this post coming. We've learned in life if you try hard, really, really try hard, you will succeed.
So here we are trying to fight cancer, realizing no matter the sacrifices we made, the determination we had, the prayers we sent, the support of those cheering us on, suffering through the agony of side effects from chemos, the healthier lifestyle, the juicing, the herbs... we still could not slay the beast that grows within us. By the toss of dice or the need (unknown to us) for our Lord (or Supreme Being)to call us home our fight seems to have been in vain.
I ask you not to think that way, because everything you did, everything; kept you here with us for a longer period of time, and for us and your family it was worth it. Your gentle kindness lightens our heavy loads, your sweet soul gives us smiles. I too, am on bended knee, hoping for that miracle for you.
And Lisa? If you feel the need for a slice of chocolate cake and a cuppa joe, just let me know, I'll whip a cake up, grab some Starbucks and head on over.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Winter Marie

z's picture
z
Posts: 1414
Joined: May 2009

Lisa, I'm so sorry for this news for you and your family. Your spirit just radiates when you write and I can feel it. Some people have that where you can just feel the goodness coming out of them and you do. Thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts. I pray for a miracle for you. Lori

amcp
Posts: 251
Joined: Jan 2009

Lisa although I don't post anymore since Frank's passing, I check ever so often to see how everyone is doing. I am praying for your miracle! We both know with GOD all things are possible. Praying not only for you but for your husband, children and entire family. Stay strong, lay this at GOD's feet and make the most of every minute of every day. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Glv49
Posts: 206
Joined: May 2005

Hi Lisa,

I don't get on here very often anymore but do sneak on here sometimes, I have been following your journey as my hubby also had mets on his liver and lungs, he had a resection in 08 but they returned he is now on the xeloda pill, and scans next week... Please Lisa stay strong .. I am keeping you and your family in my prayers.. miracles do happen.

Love,
Gail

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P_I_T_A
Posts: 133
Joined: Oct 2009

I haven't been on the site in what seems like forever and this is what start off reading? I will be praying for you and your family. Hopefully you know just how many people you've touched and helped through this discussion board. Being that I am post #82 on this thread it should be self explanatory. I want to thank you for helping me deal with the toughest thing I've ever dealt with in my life.

Dennis

sharpy102's picture
sharpy102
Posts: 370
Joined: Apr 2009

Dear Lisa:

I have been postponing the reply to you...I don't know what to write. I'm devastated! I am shocked. I am angry (at cancer). I don't know what to say...I just don't find the words...and I just don't want to believe or accept it. I guess I can only say for now, stay strong, and take advantage of every minute you can with your children and your husband. And although we never met in person, but you are one of the very few people who made my life better, and helped me to be a better person! I'll think of you and hope to hear how miracle decides to show up!
Hugs to you and your family!
- Sophie

Livingbyfaith's picture
Livingbyfaith
Posts: 56
Joined: Sep 2007

I read your site and found what great advice you gave, time to take this for yousef. Keep searching for another opinion. I will be praying for you.
Be your own advocate & do not just blindly follow and believe only what your one oncologist tells you. Seek out 2nd, 3rd, even 4th opinions from both oncologists and surgeons. Never give up, even if you're told "this is it"- different doctors have different ideas and opinions. Find one who is more positive if you're dealing with someone who gives you the doom and gloom story. Also, I recently (starting in Feb 2011) sought out the advice and help of a naturopathic dr to work with me along with my oncologist. Finding ways to make the body detox and grow healthier can only be good & I am hopeful that it will help my cancer go away too (or support my immune system during chemo, at the very least- my nurses already have commented "your blood counts are great- keep up whatever you're doing!".
Stay strong! (not only physically, but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually).

soccermom13's picture
soccermom13
Posts: 226
Joined: Feb 2010

Lisa,
I haven't been on in quite a while and just wanted to check in. I am so very sorry that things have taken a different turn in this journey for you. Please know that you were one of the first to respond to me when I joined this board and I have appreciated your kind thoughts. You have put up an amazing fight and I know that the good Lord is wrapping you in his arms. Love you! Many hugs to you.
Shanna

thxmiker's picture
thxmiker
Posts: 1282
Joined: Oct 2010

Our thoughts and prayers are with you Lisa! I personally want to thank you for all of your encouragement to me during my pain of chemo, etc...

Best Always, mike

impactzone's picture
impactzone
Posts: 538
Joined: Aug 2006

love you so much....

Carl_Renee's picture
Carl_Renee
Posts: 84
Joined: Jun 2010

Reading this made me cry. Doesn't seem to take much anymore, but having kids still at home myself I know the pain of telling them when bad news comes in. I never know which is worse the pain of whats going on or the pain of telling them:(

Many comforting prayers to you and your loved one

renee

seek@light
Posts: 26
Joined: Dec 2011

I am always trying to hold my emotion. I failed this time. Lisa, you were the first one to answer my very first thread and gave me a lot of encouragement.

This sad news breaks my heart.

HUG and LOVE!

Gary

merrysmom's picture
merrysmom
Posts: 51
Joined: Jun 2011

I read your posting the first day it came out and I cried. I could not find the words to express what you mean to me. My first posting you responded and gave me hope. I know right now you are walking through the valley, just remember His rod and His staff protect you. He is by your side and your families side. He can bring you out of that valley. I am praying for you and your family. God bless you for who you are and your incredible testimony. God bless you Lisa and may he keep you in the palm of his hand. Tons of love and prayers, barb

krystiesq's picture
krystiesq
Posts: 242
Joined: Jun 2008

Lisa- I've followed your story for a long time now and you are without a doubt the bravest person I have ever had the opportunity to know on this board. Even though the extent of "know" is reading your posts and checking in to see what Lisa42 has posted. I admire your strength and bravery. I am praying for you and your family and from a daughter's perspective that had a mother with this disease, I can only hope to be as brave as my mom was.

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