Hello friends,

Today was a sad day for me my family and many of my friends. I have not been feeling well at all lately- breathing is very compromised and my heart just pounds. Today at rest in the dr's office, my heart rate was 137. It didn't even feel like it was pounding at that moment to me. I can only imagine what it must go up to when I'm gasping for air and my heart feels like it's going to pound right out of my chest. I'm even kind of afraid of having a heart attack. Anyhow, you may remember me talking before about how I was worried because there's "something" hard and sticking out in my right abdomen, right below my liver resection scar. At that time, my onc thought it was most likely growing scar tissue. I was worried it was a new and growing tumor. I had an ultrasound & they said "no abdominal mass seen", which ruled out it being a new tumor. The ultrasound report was pretty vague and showed all the organs as normal except for the liver having "multiple metastasis", but it didn't say how many or what the sizes were & it didn't mention at all that my liver was swollen.

Well, it's been just two weeks since that time & whatever "it" was, it grew quite a bit until it was pushing down almost to my hip bone, out on my right side, upwards into my lung (or maybe the diaphram), and apparently into some nerves in my back because I've been having a lot of mid-lower back pain on the right side for the past 5 days now. My oncologist confirmed that it is an enlarged liver and it's putting pressure on everything in my right abdominal side. They went ahead and did a port flush and drew my blood today to test my liver enzymes, among all the rest. I'll have those results on Monday.

After discussing several things, I said to my oncologist, "If I don't get a miracle, which I still do believe can happen- based on how you see me now and experience with other patients you've had, please be honest and tell me about how long you think I have left." I have truly been thinking in this past week that I'm startinIg to die and that I may just have a month or two left. My onc got teary eyed and replied, "Miracle aside, and I also believe in miracles- I honestly think it's more like just a few weeks."
That was really hard to hear. I couldn't keep the tears hidden. My sister in law was also at the appointment with me and I'm glad she was there. My onc also talked about bringing in hospice care. Hospice isn't just for the very, very end- they can do lots to help you, comfort you, bring meds to the house, supply me with a wheel chair and hospital bed (so I can sleep downstairs-the stairs have been very hard to go up lately). So my husband and I talked about it & we are probably going to register with Elizabeth Hospice Monday or Tuesday. My onc said being registered with hospice would be a way to avoid the hospital- I still could if I wanted to, though. I'm afraid if I go into the hospital, that I won't ever come home. If I'm to die from this, I'd rather it be at home, not in the hospital.
My husband called me just as we pulled out of the parking lot after my appointment to ask how my appt went. I told him it was probably better if we talked later. He kept pressing me & I told him I didn't want to upset him while he was at work. Well, saying that, then I guess he felt he had to know. So, I did tell him all the details (while my sister in law drove my car). He obviously was quite upset. I found out when he got home this evening that he shared the news with his coworkers and they all cried. Then he left early and went to go talk to his mom and sister. He's been so loving, sweet, and helpful to me lately & so have my kids. One of my three kids knows- my oldest daughter/middle child, Amy. She's been crying and snuggling up to me- what an awful thing to have to tell your child. My kids are all kids that, even when news is bad, want to know right away what the news is. In the past, I've waited to tell them things and then they were upset that I hadn't told them earlier. My youngest daughter Allison is at a sleepover birthday party tonight & my son Alex came in the house and then left the house a short while later to go out (it's Friday night) with 4 friends of his, so obviously that wasn't the time. So, I had some one on one time with Amy, my oldest daughter this evening. My husband and I talked for a while earlier, but I think he was spent emotionally and he went to bed about 8:30 tonight. Well, my friends, I'm fairly spent emotionally too, so I'm going to stop writing and go to bed. I still appreciate prayers- especially now for my family.

Love to you all-
Lisa