A sad day

lisa42
lisa42 Member Posts: 3,625
Hello friends,

Today was a sad day for me my family and many of my friends. I have not been feeling well at all lately- breathing is very compromised and my heart just pounds. Today at rest in the dr's office, my heart rate was 137. It didn't even feel like it was pounding at that moment to me. I can only imagine what it must go up to when I'm gasping for air and my heart feels like it's going to pound right out of my chest. I'm even kind of afraid of having a heart attack. Anyhow, you may remember me talking before about how I was worried because there's "something" hard and sticking out in my right abdomen, right below my liver resection scar. At that time, my onc thought it was most likely growing scar tissue. I was worried it was a new and growing tumor. I had an ultrasound & they said "no abdominal mass seen", which ruled out it being a new tumor. The ultrasound report was pretty vague and showed all the organs as normal except for the liver having "multiple metastasis", but it didn't say how many or what the sizes were & it didn't mention at all that my liver was swollen.

Well, it's been just two weeks since that time & whatever "it" was, it grew quite a bit until it was pushing down almost to my hip bone, out on my right side, upwards into my lung (or maybe the diaphram), and apparently into some nerves in my back because I've been having a lot of mid-lower back pain on the right side for the past 5 days now. My oncologist confirmed that it is an enlarged liver and it's putting pressure on everything in my right abdominal side. They went ahead and did a port flush and drew my blood today to test my liver enzymes, among all the rest. I'll have those results on Monday.

After discussing several things, I said to my oncologist, "If I don't get a miracle, which I still do believe can happen- based on how you see me now and experience with other patients you've had, please be honest and tell me about how long you think I have left." I have truly been thinking in this past week that I'm startinIg to die and that I may just have a month or two left. My onc got teary eyed and replied, "Miracle aside, and I also believe in miracles- I honestly think it's more like just a few weeks."
That was really hard to hear. I couldn't keep the tears hidden. My sister in law was also at the appointment with me and I'm glad she was there. My onc also talked about bringing in hospice care. Hospice isn't just for the very, very end- they can do lots to help you, comfort you, bring meds to the house, supply me with a wheel chair and hospital bed (so I can sleep downstairs-the stairs have been very hard to go up lately). So my husband and I talked about it & we are probably going to register with Elizabeth Hospice Monday or Tuesday. My onc said being registered with hospice would be a way to avoid the hospital- I still could if I wanted to, though. I'm afraid if I go into the hospital, that I won't ever come home. If I'm to die from this, I'd rather it be at home, not in the hospital.
My husband called me just as we pulled out of the parking lot after my appointment to ask how my appt went. I told him it was probably better if we talked later. He kept pressing me & I told him I didn't want to upset him while he was at work. Well, saying that, then I guess he felt he had to know. So, I did tell him all the details (while my sister in law drove my car). He obviously was quite upset. I found out when he got home this evening that he shared the news with his coworkers and they all cried. Then he left early and went to go talk to his mom and sister. He's been so loving, sweet, and helpful to me lately & so have my kids. One of my three kids knows- my oldest daughter/middle child, Amy. She's been crying and snuggling up to me- what an awful thing to have to tell your child. My kids are all kids that, even when news is bad, want to know right away what the news is. In the past, I've waited to tell them things and then they were upset that I hadn't told them earlier. My youngest daughter Allison is at a sleepover birthday party tonight & my son Alex came in the house and then left the house a short while later to go out (it's Friday night) with 4 friends of his, so obviously that wasn't the time. So, I had some one on one time with Amy, my oldest daughter this evening. My husband and I talked for a while earlier, but I think he was spent emotionally and he went to bed about 8:30 tonight. Well, my friends, I'm fairly spent emotionally too, so I'm going to stop writing and go to bed. I still appreciate prayers- especially now for my family.

Love to you all-
Lisa
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Comments

  • Lovekitties
    Lovekitties Member Posts: 3,364 Member
    Dearest Lisa
    My tears are falling and my heart is breaking at your news.

    You have been doing everything you can to fight this, and a role model for all.


    You know that my prayers are for that miracle and that you and your family can have some peaceful time.

    Many hugs for you all,

    Marie who loves kitties
  • plh4gail
    plh4gail Member Posts: 1,238
    Hugging you!!!!....Love you
    Hugging you!!!!....Love you so very much!!!!

    Your buddy, Gail
  • Phoebesnow
    Phoebesnow Member Posts: 600 Member
    plh4gail said:

    Hugging you!!!!....Love you
    Hugging you!!!!....Love you so very much!!!!

    Your buddy, Gail

    Lisa
    Prayers for u and your family. Your light shines so bright.
  • idlehunters
    idlehunters Member Posts: 1,787

    Lisa
    Prayers for u and your family. Your light shines so bright.

    Oh Lisa......
    I am just speechless. You Have been such a good friend here and always full of hope and inspiration...as you still are. I am filled with tears as I write this and I just have no words. I have just had a talk with God about you and your family and I will continue to do so. Love and hugs Lisa

    Jennie
  • pepebcn
    pepebcn Member Posts: 6,331

    Oh Lisa......
    I am just speechless. You Have been such a good friend here and always full of hope and inspiration...as you still are. I am filled with tears as I write this and I just have no words. I have just had a talk with God about you and your family and I will continue to do so. Love and hugs Lisa

    Jennie

    Don't know what to say Lisa..............
    You been such an inspiration for all of us ,the ones that don't want to throw the towel...., I'm praying to see this miracle my dearest friend.
    Love you Lisa!
  • pluckey
    pluckey Member Posts: 484
    Lisa, my heart is aching for
    Lisa, my heart is aching for you, just aching.
    Lifting prayers for you at this moment that you are given everything you need to wrap your head around this news

    Peggy
  • MrsJP
    MrsJP Member Posts: 157
    Prayer
    Saying prayers for you and your family.
    Love
    JP
  • tanstaafl
    tanstaafl Member Posts: 1,300 Member
    you're our dear friend, guide and speaker
    I'll say a prayer for you and yours, Lisa. This is such a terrible development. You're a dear friend to us here. You will remain a guide for those in the future, those who care to follow these boards, and learn.

    You've led by example and showed others how to challenge the herd instinct, bureaucracy, buy time and strengthen the body from chemo. We're all blessed by the extra time that you spend with us and your family. Love to you too, Lisa.
  • buckeye2
    buckeye2 Member Posts: 428
    Lisa,
    I am so sorry to hear

    Lisa,
    I am so sorry to hear of the decline in your health. You also have been an inspiration to me. I will pray for you and your family. I will pray for that miracle you deserve. Lisa
  • geotina
    geotina Member Posts: 2,111
    Lisa:
    I'm so sorry and sad at the news you received and what you are now facing. Please know you are being prayed for and thought of throughout the day, not only you, but your family also. I am speechless at this turn of events. Lisa you have prayed for my hubby, offered words of comfort to me, shared your entire journey, helped so many through their journeys, both patients and caregivers and for that I thank you from the bottom of my heart. When I came to the board I was scared and terrified and knew nothing about cancer and the teacher you are, taught me and others sharing your knowledge and experiences.

    Although we cannot be there physically I hope you feel the hugs, love, prayers and comfort not only from me but the entire board.

    Love and hugs - Tina
  • PhillieG
    PhillieG Member Posts: 4,866
    Lisa
    I'm so sorry to hear this news. I also believe Miracles do happen, I hope they happen for you.
    You're in my thoughts and prayers as well as your family.

    {{{HUGS}}}

    -phil
  • linandtom
    linandtom Member Posts: 67
    Sad day indeed
    Just want to say I'm always praying for you and your family. One note...Drs told my Tom he had "weeks" in July - he did not go meet our Lord until Oct. I hated that the doctors told us such a thing. But our miracle - was proving him wrong and enjoying a few more months together. Those months were not easy - I finally let Hospice help two days before he passed away. They can and will help you and your family - and let them. I can only imagine and read what God's word tells me about heaven. But dear Lisa - I know God has a special place there for you. You have touched so many people just through your fight against this terrible disease called cancer. I'm sure your life before cancer was also amazing!! Tell your husband and children many people on this board love them as well. We all love you and thank you for all you have done to help supply all you know and have learned about cancer. You are an amazing women! Now...you can relax - stop searcing - love your family - and let them love you. When you see the face of our Lord - you will never think about cancer again. Much love.
  • sunshine106
    sunshine106 Member Posts: 2
    Praying, praying, and more praying
    I will be praying for you and your family. Miracles can happen!
  • johnnybegood
    johnnybegood Member Posts: 1,117

    Praying, praying, and more praying
    I will be praying for you and your family. Miracles can happen!

    dear lisa
    i am sadend also about your current news.you have always been one of the strong ones on this board.i too have looked up to you and your courage to fight on.i feel you are not ready to give up the fight and just know there are many people here including myself praying and thinking of you and your family.....Godbless...johnnybegood
  • Jaylo969
    Jaylo969 Member Posts: 824
    buckeye2 said:

    Lisa,
    I am so sorry to hear

    Lisa,
    I am so sorry to hear of the decline in your health. You also have been an inspiration to me. I will pray for you and your family. I will pray for that miracle you deserve. Lisa

    So sorry
    Dear Lisa,

    As I read your post my heart is heavy. I am so saddened for you and your family. You have been so strong and determined and have carried yourself with such great dignity. You have shown love and compassion to each and every board member over the years and been such a wonderful role model to us all.

    I have deep respect for you Lisa and I am so sorry to hear this news.My thoughts and prayers are with you Lisa. {{ Hugs}}

    Love,
    Pat
  • Annabelle41415
    Annabelle41415 Member Posts: 6,715 Member
    Sorry
    So sorry to hear of your news. You are such an inspiration on this board and have researched so much on your behalf and then shared that all with us. You will be in my prayers for a miracle because they do happen. I'm so glad that you have faith in God and He can walk with you through this trying time.

    Hugs! Kim
  • alexinlv
    alexinlv Member Posts: 194
    Sending lots of love and
    Sending lots of love and prayers for you and your loved ones. I am so sorry! xo alex
  • standbyme
    standbyme Member Posts: 41
    alexinlv said:

    Sending lots of love and
    Sending lots of love and prayers for you and your loved ones. I am so sorry! xo alex

    Lisa
    I am in total agreement with Kim. Your knowledge and willingness to share it, is wonderful. Thank you. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts. May peace be with you.

    Judy
  • Sigma34
    Sigma34 Member Posts: 203
    standbyme said:

    Lisa
    I am in total agreement with Kim. Your knowledge and willingness to share it, is wonderful. Thank you. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts. May peace be with you.

    Judy

    Oh Lisa~~~
    I'm so sorry to

    Oh Lisa~~~
    I'm so sorry to hear this....... I'm thinking of you and your family with much peace, love and stillness~
    Christine
  • here4lfe
    here4lfe Member Posts: 306 Member
    Heartbreaking
    Lisa,

    Your strength and willingness to share is a testament to the person you are. This news is devastating, and you have my prayers for you and your family.

    Best