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A sad day

lisa42's picture
lisa42
Posts: 3661
Joined: Jul 2008

Hello friends,

Today was a sad day for me my family and many of my friends. I have not been feeling well at all lately- breathing is very compromised and my heart just pounds. Today at rest in the dr's office, my heart rate was 137. It didn't even feel like it was pounding at that moment to me. I can only imagine what it must go up to when I'm gasping for air and my heart feels like it's going to pound right out of my chest. I'm even kind of afraid of having a heart attack. Anyhow, you may remember me talking before about how I was worried because there's "something" hard and sticking out in my right abdomen, right below my liver resection scar. At that time, my onc thought it was most likely growing scar tissue. I was worried it was a new and growing tumor. I had an ultrasound & they said "no abdominal mass seen", which ruled out it being a new tumor. The ultrasound report was pretty vague and showed all the organs as normal except for the liver having "multiple metastasis", but it didn't say how many or what the sizes were & it didn't mention at all that my liver was swollen.

Well, it's been just two weeks since that time & whatever "it" was, it grew quite a bit until it was pushing down almost to my hip bone, out on my right side, upwards into my lung (or maybe the diaphram), and apparently into some nerves in my back because I've been having a lot of mid-lower back pain on the right side for the past 5 days now. My oncologist confirmed that it is an enlarged liver and it's putting pressure on everything in my right abdominal side. They went ahead and did a port flush and drew my blood today to test my liver enzymes, among all the rest. I'll have those results on Monday.

After discussing several things, I said to my oncologist, "If I don't get a miracle, which I still do believe can happen- based on how you see me now and experience with other patients you've had, please be honest and tell me about how long you think I have left." I have truly been thinking in this past week that I'm startinIg to die and that I may just have a month or two left. My onc got teary eyed and replied, "Miracle aside, and I also believe in miracles- I honestly think it's more like just a few weeks."
That was really hard to hear. I couldn't keep the tears hidden. My sister in law was also at the appointment with me and I'm glad she was there. My onc also talked about bringing in hospice care. Hospice isn't just for the very, very end- they can do lots to help you, comfort you, bring meds to the house, supply me with a wheel chair and hospital bed (so I can sleep downstairs-the stairs have been very hard to go up lately). So my husband and I talked about it & we are probably going to register with Elizabeth Hospice Monday or Tuesday. My onc said being registered with hospice would be a way to avoid the hospital- I still could if I wanted to, though. I'm afraid if I go into the hospital, that I won't ever come home. If I'm to die from this, I'd rather it be at home, not in the hospital.
My husband called me just as we pulled out of the parking lot after my appointment to ask how my appt went. I told him it was probably better if we talked later. He kept pressing me & I told him I didn't want to upset him while he was at work. Well, saying that, then I guess he felt he had to know. So, I did tell him all the details (while my sister in law drove my car). He obviously was quite upset. I found out when he got home this evening that he shared the news with his coworkers and they all cried. Then he left early and went to go talk to his mom and sister. He's been so loving, sweet, and helpful to me lately & so have my kids. One of my three kids knows- my oldest daughter/middle child, Amy. She's been crying and snuggling up to me- what an awful thing to have to tell your child. My kids are all kids that, even when news is bad, want to know right away what the news is. In the past, I've waited to tell them things and then they were upset that I hadn't told them earlier. My youngest daughter Allison is at a sleepover birthday party tonight & my son Alex came in the house and then left the house a short while later to go out (it's Friday night) with 4 friends of his, so obviously that wasn't the time. So, I had some one on one time with Amy, my oldest daughter this evening. My husband and I talked for a while earlier, but I think he was spent emotionally and he went to bed about 8:30 tonight. Well, my friends, I'm fairly spent emotionally too, so I'm going to stop writing and go to bed. I still appreciate prayers- especially now for my family.

Love to you all-
Lisa

Lovekitties's picture
Lovekitties
Posts: 3327
Joined: Jan 2010

My tears are falling and my heart is breaking at your news.

You have been doing everything you can to fight this, and a role model for all.

You know that my prayers are for that miracle and that you and your family can have some peaceful time.

Many hugs for you all,

Marie who loves kitties

plh4gail's picture
plh4gail
Posts: 1238
Joined: Oct 2010

Hugging you!!!!....Love you so very much!!!!

Your buddy, Gail

Phoebesnow
Posts: 567
Joined: Apr 2011

Prayers for u and your family. Your light shines so bright.

idlehunters's picture
idlehunters
Posts: 1792
Joined: Apr 2009

I am just speechless. You Have been such a good friend here and always full of hope and inspiration...as you still are. I am filled with tears as I write this and I just have no words. I have just had a talk with God about you and your family and I will continue to do so. Love and hugs Lisa

Jennie

pepebcn's picture
pepebcn
Posts: 6352
Joined: Aug 2010

You been such an inspiration for all of us ,the ones that don't want to throw the towel...., I'm praying to see this miracle my dearest friend.
Love you Lisa!

pluckey's picture
pluckey
Posts: 484
Joined: Jul 2009

Lisa, my heart is aching for you, just aching.
Lifting prayers for you at this moment that you are given everything you need to wrap your head around this news

Peggy

MrsJP
Posts: 157
Joined: Jan 2011

Saying prayers for you and your family.
Love
JP

tanstaafl's picture
tanstaafl
Posts: 1292
Joined: Oct 2010

I'll say a prayer for you and yours, Lisa. This is such a terrible development. You're a dear friend to us here. You will remain a guide for those in the future, those who care to follow these boards, and learn.

You've led by example and showed others how to challenge the herd instinct, bureaucracy, buy time and strengthen the body from chemo. We're all blessed by the extra time that you spend with us and your family. Love to you too, Lisa.

buckeye2
Posts: 428
Joined: Jul 2011

Lisa,
I am so sorry to hear of the decline in your health. You also have been an inspiration to me. I will pray for you and your family. I will pray for that miracle you deserve. Lisa

Jaylo969
Posts: 827
Joined: Jan 2010

Dear Lisa,

As I read your post my heart is heavy. I am so saddened for you and your family. You have been so strong and determined and have carried yourself with such great dignity. You have shown love and compassion to each and every board member over the years and been such a wonderful role model to us all.

I have deep respect for you Lisa and I am so sorry to hear this news.My thoughts and prayers are with you Lisa. {{ Hugs}}

Love,
Pat

geotina's picture
geotina
Posts: 2117
Joined: Oct 2009

I'm so sorry and sad at the news you received and what you are now facing. Please know you are being prayed for and thought of throughout the day, not only you, but your family also. I am speechless at this turn of events. Lisa you have prayed for my hubby, offered words of comfort to me, shared your entire journey, helped so many through their journeys, both patients and caregivers and for that I thank you from the bottom of my heart. When I came to the board I was scared and terrified and knew nothing about cancer and the teacher you are, taught me and others sharing your knowledge and experiences.

Although we cannot be there physically I hope you feel the hugs, love, prayers and comfort not only from me but the entire board.

Love and hugs - Tina

PhillieG's picture
PhillieG
Posts: 4888
Joined: May 2005

I'm so sorry to hear this news. I also believe Miracles do happen, I hope they happen for you.
You're in my thoughts and prayers as well as your family.

{{{HUGS}}}

-phil

linandtom
Posts: 67
Joined: Dec 2009

Just want to say I'm always praying for you and your family. One note...Drs told my Tom he had "weeks" in July - he did not go meet our Lord until Oct. I hated that the doctors told us such a thing. But our miracle - was proving him wrong and enjoying a few more months together. Those months were not easy - I finally let Hospice help two days before he passed away. They can and will help you and your family - and let them. I can only imagine and read what God's word tells me about heaven. But dear Lisa - I know God has a special place there for you. You have touched so many people just through your fight against this terrible disease called cancer. I'm sure your life before cancer was also amazing!! Tell your husband and children many people on this board love them as well. We all love you and thank you for all you have done to help supply all you know and have learned about cancer. You are an amazing women! Now...you can relax - stop searcing - love your family - and let them love you. When you see the face of our Lord - you will never think about cancer again. Much love.

sunshine106
Posts: 2
Joined: Jan 2012

I will be praying for you and your family. Miracles can happen!

johnnybegood's picture
johnnybegood
Posts: 1122
Joined: Oct 2008

i am sadend also about your current news.you have always been one of the strong ones on this board.i too have looked up to you and your courage to fight on.i feel you are not ready to give up the fight and just know there are many people here including myself praying and thinking of you and your family.....Godbless...johnnybegood

Annabelle41415's picture
Annabelle41415
Posts: 6222
Joined: Feb 2009

So sorry to hear of your news. You are such an inspiration on this board and have researched so much on your behalf and then shared that all with us. You will be in my prayers for a miracle because they do happen. I'm so glad that you have faith in God and He can walk with you through this trying time.

Hugs! Kim

alexinlv's picture
alexinlv
Posts: 194
Joined: Jul 2010

Sending lots of love and prayers for you and your loved ones. I am so sorry! xo alex

standbyme's picture
standbyme
Posts: 41
Joined: Sep 2008

I am in total agreement with Kim. Your knowledge and willingness to share it, is wonderful. Thank you. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts. May peace be with you.

Judy

Sigma34's picture
Sigma34
Posts: 207
Joined: Jul 2009

Oh Lisa~~~
I'm so sorry to hear this....... I'm thinking of you and your family with much peace, love and stillness~
Christine

here4lfe
Posts: 306
Joined: Jan 2010

Lisa,

Your strength and willingness to share is a testament to the person you are. This news is devastating, and you have my prayers for you and your family.

Best

Buckwirth's picture
Buckwirth
Posts: 1272
Joined: Jun 2010

Thank you for sharing this hard news with us, your note is very poignant.

Make sure they get you a comfortable bed. We did not find out till afterwards that the hospital style airbeds were available and now we are having the existing bed modified.

{{{{{hugs}}}}}

;_;

Blake

sasjourney
Posts: 395
Joined: Jul 2010

Dear Lisa,

I want you to know I have not given up on that miracle either. I am not going to stop praying and asking our Lord to heal you. My heart breaks with this news. You are such a special person that deserves heaven more than anyone I know, but I know you love your family with all your heart and want to be here with them. May God give you and your family strength, peace and healing. I don't understand life...

I love you,
Sara

Buzzard's picture
Buzzard
Posts: 3073
Joined: Aug 2008

I love you also..........and I too am going to keep a prayer up for you for full remission, as well as for family members comfort and peace through this storm. God can if He decides to. We know that its in His hands...we also know that He will be in comforting you and your family through all the journey. This is when we have to rely on what we believe in and instill it in our family members that we will all be together again. It does help to calm the soul even through sad times. Crying for you and family but I know as you do where you will be if the miracle doesn't come, Lisa, you know as I its a win/win situation when Heaven is involved..........Rest young lady...let God take care of the rest........love to you and yours....Clift

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

Dearest Lisa

The fight inside you is unparalleled...like all the other folks, I've had a ringside seat to all the action - the highs and the lows - the tears and the fears - and the trials and the smiles...

As with everyone else, I am deeply saddened by the turn of events. You and your story are to be admired...you do honor to this board. Your knowledge and willingness to share your story is much appreciated...you have taught us many invaluable lessons.

You've certainly been a good friend to me and I've appreciated our talks. You've got a big heart - you should have lived in Texas, because I think you define our saying, "You've got a heart as big as Texas..."

Joining the others in sending up a "Hail Mary" and hoping it is heard.

With Love, Gratitude and Admiration

-Craig and Big Billy and The Lion

smokeyjoe
Posts: 1428
Joined: Feb 2011

Oh Lisa this is so heartbreaking. Praying for you, and your family.

annalexandria's picture
annalexandria
Posts: 2573
Joined: Oct 2011

and have done everything you could to beat this wretched cancer. My prayers are with you, and your husband and children. I have three kids myself, the youngest just seven, and it's just heartbreaking what our dear ones have to go through. But your kids have been nurtured by a wonderful, loving mom, and will have the foundation and resiliency they need to face whatever the future holds for them. Love and peace to you-Ann

Brenda Bricco
Posts: 579
Joined: Aug 2011

Lisa, I will pray for your family and I will also continue to pray for your miracle.
Your post brought me to tears because I know what it's like to have the heart of a mother. I hate the thought of you having to hold your daughter and not being able to tell her that you won't leave her. That is what we mom's do, we make everything all better and when we can't change something for them we are there to hold them. I pray that you are able to stay with your family Lisa, I pray that your children keep their Mom. I am so sorry to hear this, you are the kindest of souls and you have made a difference in my life by encouraging me to hang on when all I wanted to do was jump. I pray that GOD blesses you and your family in a way that only HE can be glorified, a big whopping miracle!
Brenda

janie1
Posts: 753
Joined: Apr 2011

I do believe in them.
The thing that comforts me the most while living in this world filled with suffering, is that when there are those great times, and beauty-filled moments, I know that is God showing me a glimpse of what will surround me all of the time, with perfect peace, when He decides to bring me Home. For each of us, no one knows when that will be.
Will continue to pray for you, Lisa. I'm with everyone else thanking you for your heart of gold!!!!

LivinginNH's picture
LivinginNH
Posts: 1458
Joined: Apr 2010

Oh dear Lisa, this is truly heartbreaking news, but I too believe that there are miracles and I pray that you will have one delivered to you. I've always admired your courage and strength and generosity of spirit. I send you my warmest thoughts across the miles.

All my best, Cynthia

Bear23's picture
Bear23
Posts: 84
Joined: Jan 2010

Lisa,
I am so saddened by your news. You have shown such strength here on the board. I hope I can have your courage and grace if I ever get to the same point as you are now. I believe there can be miracles and will be praying for healing and peace for you.

I get SO frustrated that we can make so many other medical advances but cancer still slips through the cracks. When will cancer get the advances it needs to stop the deaths?! Sorry I tend to rant when I get emotional.

I wish comfort for you and your family.

Valerie

thready's picture
thready
Posts: 475
Joined: Sep 2009

Lisa,
Please rest and know that there are many who are praying for you and your family. You have carried many of us to the gates of heaven in your prayers, it is our turn to pray for your comfort and healing.
Love and care to you and your family
Jan (and Dan)

lauragb
Posts: 370
Joined: Aug 2011

It is a sad day, to hear your news. It is with tears that I write this post. I haven't been on the forum for long but find you to be such an inspiration. I too believe in miracles and will keep praying for you and your family. But I'm glad that you know you are not alone and you can draw peace from that.
Love and Light,
Laura

jjaj133's picture
jjaj133
Posts: 869
Joined: Mar 2011

Dear sweet Lisa,
i cannot see to type. i am so saddened by this. miracles do happen and I am praying for one for you. & your family.
Many hugs and prayers, you deserve so much better than this.
judy

dmdwins
Posts: 453
Joined: Aug 2008

Dear Lisa,

My hear was filled with sadness as I read your post but then replaced with a smile as I read all the wonderful things that were written about you.

It is evident what a kind hearted caring person you are. You were so sweet to me when I came to the board and I thank you for that.

I know that we share faith in our God but I still dont understand some of the things that HE allows. I do believe in miracles and know they can happen. I hope and pray that it happens for you.

Another thing that is evident to me Lisa is that you are an amazing mom. You have always been honest with your children....sharing your ups and downs....you have shown them what amazing courage is like...how to "fight like a girl" and so many other wonderful life lessons that they will hold in their hearts and minds forever.

I wish you and your family peace, memories, and miracles in the days to come.

With much love,
Dawn

taraHK
Posts: 1961
Joined: Aug 2003

Sending loving thoughts xxx

tootsie1's picture
tootsie1
Posts: 5056
Joined: Feb 2008

Oh, Lisa.

I've already expressed some thoughts to you on facebook, but I did want to talk about one thing that I didn't there. You may remember that my Bill had a sudden cardiac arrest and is one of those miracles we all hope for in life. He was revived and is still here with me more than 11 years later. While under, he did have a near death experience and got a glimpse of Heaven. He has told me many times that not only was it beautiful, but it was so peaceful and so free of pain or worries. Left to his own devices, he would have stayed, but was instructed to "go back." As a wife, it's hard to hear that he wasn't frantic to get back to me and the kids, but it is also reassuring to know that it's a place where earthly concerns no longer matter.

If you are not granted the miracle I want for you SO MUCH, I'm at least comforted by what awaits you on the other side. Praying for peace and comfort for you and your family.

*hugs*
Gail

karen40's picture
karen40
Posts: 211
Joined: Aug 2011

Lisa,
I’m brought to tears. I am so saddened and shocked by this news. I’m so sorry. I will continue to pray for you, your family and the miracle that you so want and deserve.
Love you,
Karen

Lifeisajourney
Posts: 217
Joined: Apr 2010

Prayers to you and yours. Hospice may be your answer for more time with your family. I think of checking it out. If you get a good one, you may be more comfortable and have more time then you think. Thinking of you as you take this journey. Pat

lizdeli's picture
lizdeli
Posts: 570
Joined: Jul 2009

God bless you and your family.
xoxo
Liz

Kathleen808's picture
Kathleen808
Posts: 2361
Joined: Jan 2009

Lisa,
I have been carrying you around in my heart and prayers. My friend, I am sorry you and your precious family are at this point. I will continue to pray daily for strength, peace, some beautiful times. Oh I want that miracle for you too. My love goes out to you. You have been a huge support for me these past three years. I am so grateful for you.
Aloha,
Kathleen

newperson's picture
newperson
Posts: 76
Joined: Mar 2010

Lisa, this is a devastating news. I cannot stop crying. You've been such an inspiration on this board. I so wish that you can continue doing well. I know how hard it is at this moment. I will still pray for miracle on you. Please remember that I love you and so many people here love you.
- Lucy

ron50's picture
ron50
Posts: 1721
Joined: Nov 2001

I guess it goes way beyond sad and sorry. First and foremost I gotta say how proud I have been to know you. You have been a pillar of this community. I am sure that your family is equally proud of you. There are no guides for navigationg your way thru this disease. You get it you fight it and you live it 24/7. You have done it with grace and humour and above all always caring about the other suffereres. If only it was possible I would donate all my remaining time to you. Peace Ron.

pete43lost_at_sea's picture
pete43lost_at_sea
Posts: 3908
Joined: Nov 2010

you are such an inspiration to me and i am sure all of us.
this is the saddest news and i will not stop praying for a miracle.

the spirit in your fight, reflects your love of life, of your family.
your children have been given the greatest lesson in life by your example in so many ways.

My wish for you is just peaceful and loving days, today and tomorrow and for all your days.

Just rest.

love,
Pete

toyfox's picture
toyfox
Posts: 158
Joined: Apr 2011

So sorry this has happened to you and your family.
Sending love and prayers.
Linda

dorookie
Posts: 1736
Joined: Jul 2007

I like Jennie am speachless, you have worked so hard, been through so much, Please GOD send her a miracle, I am so mad and upset I could just &*$&^% scream, this is not fair, I dont understand it, I just had my scans and I am clear, I dont understand it, you have children at home mine are grown, this &^%#$ cancer sucks beyond words...I will be praying and praying for you and your family, I want you to be here with us, I dont want you to go anywhere....

So so so sad
Beth

NWGirl
Posts: 124
Joined: Jan 2008

I'm mostly just an occasional lurker here, but I have followed your posts over the years. I have always, and still do, admire your strength, courage and faith. It breaks my heart to see all you have had to endure.

I have a close friend who has been precariously close to death this past month. I have been grateful to be able to talk to her, to hold her, to tell her I love her. I am glad that you have at least a few more weeks to say whatever you want to tell your friends and family.

I pray that you are able to find peace these last few weeks. I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through. And of course, like you, I will continue to hope and hold out for that illusive miracle that we are all searching for.

th_in_canada's picture
th_in_canada
Posts: 46
Joined: Nov 2011

I am so sorry about your news. I have been following your posts as I also have multiple lung mets and was interested in all you were doing to fight this.
Even if God doesn't give you a miracle, know that He is with you always. May you and your family have peace with whatever happens.
Tricia

thingy45's picture
thingy45
Posts: 633
Joined: Apr 2011

Lisa

Like all the others I am speechless. When I started my journey you gave me hope and strength that I can walk this road, what ever I decided to do. I have looked up to you for answers and they were always there plus incouraging words thrown in for good measure.

I know that you like to stay a little longer with your family, BUT my dear sweet Lisa, when you are to tired, remember God will take you home and we will all meet in that wonderfull place called heaven and be healthy and happy. You deserve to be healthy you fought a great fight and still do.

You are a shining beacon to all of us, always ready with advice and kind words of incouragement. I thank you for being you from the bottem of my heart.

I wish you and your family strength in the weeks and months to come.
Remember you never walk alone, even in our darkest momenst God walks beside us always all the way.

Many hugs and love and THANK YOU for being the wonderful woman you are.
Hugs, Marjan

Matta's picture
Matta
Posts: 39
Joined: Jun 2011

I am so very sorry Lisa, so sad news :-(

Matta

Grace14
Posts: 65
Joined: Sep 2011

Dear Lisa, you don't know me I mostly just lurk on here but I read all your posts and I admire your strength and courage. Your always first to respond to everyone. I am so sad to hear this news!! I don't know why God takes such kind wonderful people from us I guess he has a plan for all of us. I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you and your family.

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