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Fear

Actsassy's picture
Actsassy
Posts: 37
Joined: Nov 2010

Ok guys I have a problem. I have Stage IV colon/liver. Was dx almost 2 years ago. Doc said inoperable but felt it could be "controled". So, I did the infusions and the xeloda for 7 cycles. A year ago December everything had shrunk and went mostly to sleep. Was off everything and July ct scan showed they were waking up and onco said we'll wait and see. Started having symptoms like blood in stool and pain in pelvic area. I went for another scan in September and lesions grew a little more so got put back on Xeloda. The day that I had my ct scan in September my hubby had heart attack and had to have a quad by pass. I also have anxiety and panic attacks. So, i have been a mess with him and me going thru stuff. Day before Thanksgiving we were involved in a car accident on way for my onco appt. Car was totalled and I got brunt of the hit. Lots of bruising and especially chest wall. (Seatbelt and air bag. During this time went to go see a therapist cuz I have had so much anxiety and fear that i can't seem to get past it. She feels that my zoloft that I have been on has flatlined. I've been on that for at least 8 years if not more. They upped my xanax and they upped my zoloft to see if it would help. Xanax is helping as far as trying to keep my panic in check somewhat but depression another story. Therapist wants me to be evaluated by pshcy so i can get meds changed. I waited 2 months for appt. (holidays, etc) My appt was for 1/18. I went and all her appts were cancelled. No one called me. They said they did but I got nothing. So rescheduled for 2/15. Another month! Not happy. Also, in this time my mom in law in Italy passed away from cancer. It hit me hard. Everything hits me hard. I am an emotional wreck. Anyway, back to the cancer. I had a sigmoid done in early Nov and they did antigen testing and levels are normal and no cancer growth. Good news. Then 12/28 had another ct scan and results came back that lesions shrunk by 1/2 and other organs good. Well, I have been having blood in my stool again. I talked with PA the other day on phone and she is aware and has been aware of this. She said to keep and eye on it and it might be hemmroids. Its not like I am passing a lot of blood but when i wipe myself it's there. Now, I started having some pelvic pain too. I am freaking out now. Has this happened to any of you?

Nana b's picture
Nana b
Posts: 3045
Joined: May 2009

It could be hemmroids. Is the blood in the stool, around the stool, ir only on the paper?

Hang in there! You need to be strong and healthy, try working on that for you, Take the hurdle and relax in between thats what I try to do,

Hugs, really sorry about your Mom in law, Raquel

Buzzard's picture
Buzzard
Posts: 3073
Joined: Aug 2008

you need a hobby...sincerely, you need something to dwell on besides all that is going on in your world. I am not trying to be a butt here, I am thinking that you may need to re focus on some things that are more important than the things you can do nothing about.....Sassy, let me ask you something...you need to have a barrier between you and what is causing all the anxiety in you. Please just hear me out...imagine a shield completely encircling you that nothing can get in and nothing can get out, and you have the only key that allows entrance into or out of this shield...You have to realize that the brain and its electrical signals control all impulses and thoughts..What you have to do is to figure out how you can control the signals sent to it...Once the brain shuts down its neuro-transmitters that create seratonin or happy juices if you will it will not start back again unless it medically enhanced, prozac,zoloft, etc does that. It medically "restarts" the neuro-transmitters allowing you to laugh, grin, and not dwell on gloom and doom, it simply allows you to live again, outside your shield. Being on it for such a long period it seems that it has become mute as having the ability to do what its intended to do for you.
I am a very controlling individual and through this disease I lost all control of everything going on in my life, it was more devastating to me than the disease itself. After many long weeks of not having control over anything, I decided to use Flourextine (prozac) to see if it would help with my feeling of helplessness. It did, and after I started to feel better I made myself aware that no matter what happened there was nothing I could do to change it, but with the knowledge (that I got all in here) I learned about my disease, I learned that I could be an advocate to myself and others to help in this journey and also to direct treatment regimens to myself, thus getting back some control that I had lost. But, I had to reroute my way of thinking, you see the glass is either half full or half empty, unless you break it, then its there no more to worry about...
The blood in the stool, besides a cork is there anything you can do ? Yes, you can take the bull by the horns and tell them that whatever it is, you want it taken care of asap, then that will be done, then move on to the next item...
Life has a tendency to try and overwhelm us. Most of the time its with joy,warmth, and good feelings so we openly allow it to come in (that's your shield) so when life throws us a barrage of unwanted feelings all we have to do is close the shield, allowing nothing in.....
Take a notepad and jot down all things that need to be done, but jot them down slowly and there will be your list of things to accomplish...between these things, give yourself a gift or reward of some type so that every time you get a task finished, you receive a token for it. That involuntarily gets your brain thinking Ummm, good stuff coming, that in turn is a great exercise in returning the good electrical signals that we need to improve our though processes back to where we enjoy life, instead of dreading it.
When life starts to get to rough to manage, take a notepad and a pen and start writing down all that bothers you, if you want to curse then write that down as well, if you want to attack something then write that down as well...purge yourself of all that feels bad to you. After you do this (and it could take several hours) then take it to the garbage can and set it on fire. All your feelings will go up with the smoke, and its over. Do this as many times as necessary, you will find your niche that works for you, all you have to do is want to find it....Love and Patience for you and yours, Buzz

Lovekitties's picture
Lovekitties
Posts: 3333
Joined: Jan 2010

My goodness you have had a lot on your plate while dealing with the cancer. It is no wonder that you are feeling stressed to the max.

I guess my suggestion is to take one thing at a time and analyze it to see if it can get better, what you can do to make it better and if nothing to try to come to peace with the situation.

Is your hubby doing fine now that he had his heart surgery? Hopefully so. I know some folks with that same problem, who after surgery have done very well.

You seem most concerned about your current health issues of blood in the stool and pain. I guess my question is why are you talking to a PA about it? Seems to me that you would feel more comfortable with getting an appointment with the doctor and discussing the issue and getting some 'let's see' tests done. You have to be your own advocate for your body. If it doesn't feel right, don't stop trying to get firm answers until you have them. Don't let yourself get to believe that just because a PA says no big deal that you should stop there. After all it isn't her body at risk.

You need to do whatever will give you more confidence in your medical condition, even if that means changing to another doc who will listen and take action when you have a concern.

There is no reason for you to have to 'wonder' what is going on. Get some tests done. Then you will know for sure and can make a plan for dealing with it.

Hugs,

Marie who loves kitties

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