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only children = orphan adults

diane727
diane727 Member Posts: 3
edited March 2014 in Surviving Caregivers #1
I'm starting this group for people just like me. Maybe, by writing this, and by you reading this and share your stories, we can get through this grief together. Though, I am 38 years old, tomorrow turning the dreaded 39 and holding, I still consider myself an orphan at this age. It has been a little over 3 years since my mom died and I will admit, it has not gotten easier, in fact it has gotten worse. My mom raised me by herself at a time when single mothers was not the "in" thing. Mom had it rough but she did it. I think that she did a damn good job. I have no siblings and never met my father, though I had found out very young that he died when I was six. My mom and I had more than a mother/daughter relationship. We were and will always be best friends. It's amazing, after all this time, just writing that line still gives me a lump in my throat and makes me cry. There are so many emotions I continue to experience on a daily basis. I still find myself questioning myself, "Did I do everything I could?" "Was I a good daughter?" "Why couldn't it have been me instead?" I lived with her for he last six months of her life and I thank GOD everyday that I did make that move. Yet, I still feel that I've been robbed. I wasn't finished yet. There were so many more things that we needed to experience together. To me it's not fair that not only do I not have her physical being around, but I no longer have that daily phone call. Even though at times she could be a nudge. Like for instance, this week she would have given me a birthday card every day. Or call me at the exact time I was born. I haven't had that for three years and I miss it. The death of your only parent throws you into adulthood regardless if you are ready or not. I know that I was well into adulthood when she died, but, that one person who had been your cheerleader all your life is no longer there. It's not an easy thing to become an orphan. The holidays are no longer an anticipated event. Though, I have tried to continue the tradition. My heart is just not in it. I know that this may sound like rambling nonsense, but it is everything that has been inside of me. I know that there must be other only children out there going through the same emotions or something similar. Though I am in a committed relationship with my partner, she will never understand the magnitude of this grief experience. If there is anyone out there who sees themselves in this message please feel free to contact me. I need to get to the next step of the grieving process. I have been stagnant for too long. I dont ever want anyone to go through this alone, it's just too painful. We might be only children, but we dont have to be alone.




Thread: first msg | prev msg | next msg

diane727
07-26-2004
07:32 PM EDT ONLY CHILDREN = ORPHANED ADULTS
I'm starting this group for people just like me. Maybe, by writing this, and by you reading this and share your stories, we can get through this grief together. Though, I am 38 years old, tomorrow turning the dreaded 39 and holding, I still consider myself an orphan at this age. It has been a little over 3 years since my mom died and I will admit, it has not gotten easier, in fact it has gotten worse. My mom raised me by herself at a time when single mothers was not the "in" thing. Mom had it rough but she did it. I think that she did a damn good job. I have no siblings and never met my father, though I had found out very young that he died when I was six. My mom and I had more than a mother/daughter relationship. We were and will always be best friends. It's amazing, after all this time, just writing that line still gives me a lump in my throat and makes me cry. There are so many emotions I continue to experience on a daily basis. I still find myself questioning myself, "Did I do everything I could?" "Was I a good daughter?" "Why couldn't it have been me instead?" I lived with her for he last six months of her life and I thank GOD everyday that I did make that move. Yet, I still feel that I've been robbed. I wasn't finished yet. There were so many more things that we needed to experience together. To me it's not fair that not only do I not have her physical being around, but I no longer have that daily phone call. Even though at times she could be a nudge. Like for instance, this week she would have given me a birthday card every day. Or call me at the exact time I was born. I haven't had that for three years and I miss it. The death of your only parent throws you into adulthood regardless if you are ready or not. I know that I was well into adulthood when she died, but, that one person who had been your cheerleader all your life is no longer there. It's not an easy thing to become an orphan. The holidays are no longer an anticipated event. Though, I have tried to continue the tradition. My heart is just not in it. I know that this may sound like rambling nonsense, but it is everything that has been inside of me. I know that there must be other only children out there going through the same emotions or something similar. Though I am in a committed relationship with my partner, she will never understand the magnitude of this grief experience. If there is anyone out there who sees themselves in this message please feel free to contact me. I need to get to the next step of the grieving process. I have been stagnant for too long. I dont ever want anyone to go through this alone, it's just too painful. We might be only children, but we dont have to be alone.
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Comments

  • Amanda_T
    Amanda_T Member Posts: 2
    Hi Diane,

    I lost my mother to an eight year battle with cancer in March of this year. My father died in 2001 so I feel as if I've been orphaned. I do have a sister. She's 21 but she's always been the more outgoing and social butterfly type out of the two of us so she's got a whole group of friends she can turn to. I'm the older of the two of us. I'm 26 and I am having to bear most of the responsibility of taking care of all of my mother's affairs. We've lost both sets of our grandparents, well we have a grandfather still living but he's in an assisted living facility, and we've now lost both of our parents. And our uncles and aunts all live out of state. So, I'm definetely feeling orphaned and alone right now. It's been four months since I lost my mom and I'm finding it hard to get through the grieving process. My friends are trying to be supportive, but they can't fathom what it's like to lose someone to cancer. They can't begin to imagine what I've gone through. And, as much as I try to explain it to them, they will never really get it and that is very frustating to me. This holiday season will be the first without mom with us and I'm dreading it. Mom always made birhdays and holidays special and it's just not going to be the same.
  • missymeow
    missymeow Member Posts: 1
    only child adult orphans
    I just found this web site and am sooo excited. This is the only information I have found on only child orphans. Guess there aren't too many "only children" that are adult orphans....definitely in the minority.

    I lost my Mom almost 4 years ago...this July will be 4 years. I am still not over her death completely. I have tried; I got treated for depression; and now I have just split up with my boyfriend (my decision) and feel abandoned again like when my Mom died. My Dad died in 1989, and I grieved him again when my Mom died.

    Only children have a totally different set of personality issues. Meaning....how does one deal with loss of both parents? Who are we? We have to learn who the hell we are after being alone...totally alone for the first time in our lives.

    Hope this shows up on the proper post.
  • imbkuz
    imbkuz Member Posts: 52
    missymeow said:

    only child adult orphans
    I just found this web site and am sooo excited. This is the only information I have found on only child orphans. Guess there aren't too many "only children" that are adult orphans....definitely in the minority.

    I lost my Mom almost 4 years ago...this July will be 4 years. I am still not over her death completely. I have tried; I got treated for depression; and now I have just split up with my boyfriend (my decision) and feel abandoned again like when my Mom died. My Dad died in 1989, and I grieved him again when my Mom died.

    Only children have a totally different set of personality issues. Meaning....how does one deal with loss of both parents? Who are we? We have to learn who the hell we are after being alone...totally alone for the first time in our lives.

    Hope this shows up on the proper post.

    To all the only children.I
    To all the only children.I just came across this section and it's Mother's Day. I don't know if it's a gift to me but there are no words for you for me to say to you but I want to give you all a big hug. I am so so sorry. This has been a huge concern of mine among many others now since my husband
    had a radical nephrectomy a little over 2 weeks ago due to stage IV renal cell carcinoma with mets to lungs. I too am not well and we have an only child who is 31 years old. There hasn't been any other family all these years and now my heart aches on what is going to happen to him. I'm sure your parents by no means ever wanted you to hurt like this. All we ever wanted for our children is the best. We want you to go on and live life to the fullest and we only could hope we left you some kind of legacy or a little something to get you by each day. But please try to live it not go through each day. Your parents are with you everyday in your heart you are not alone. If you need someone to talk to I am here. I would only want someone to care for my son as I do for all of you. Hope I made some sense since I haven't been sleeping much. God Bless
    imbkuz
  • henry123
    henry123 Member Posts: 1
    imbkuz said:

    To all the only children.I
    To all the only children.I just came across this section and it's Mother's Day. I don't know if it's a gift to me but there are no words for you for me to say to you but I want to give you all a big hug. I am so so sorry. This has been a huge concern of mine among many others now since my husband
    had a radical nephrectomy a little over 2 weeks ago due to stage IV renal cell carcinoma with mets to lungs. I too am not well and we have an only child who is 31 years old. There hasn't been any other family all these years and now my heart aches on what is going to happen to him. I'm sure your parents by no means ever wanted you to hurt like this. All we ever wanted for our children is the best. We want you to go on and live life to the fullest and we only could hope we left you some kind of legacy or a little something to get you by each day. But please try to live it not go through each day. Your parents are with you everyday in your heart you are not alone. If you need someone to talk to I am here. I would only want someone to care for my son as I do for all of you. Hope I made some sense since I haven't been sleeping much. God Bless
    imbkuz

    To all orphans
    Hi guys,

    My name's Henry. I know this is an American site, but I need to talk to someone about this. Last October, I lost my dad. I was 16. My mother had died when I was 5. I am an only child. My friends and family have struggled to keep me going, but I'm making it so far, day by day, inch by inch. Not worrying about what was coming next, just getting by. I've got stronger and stronger, but I need to talk to someone who's been through this. Someone who know's what it's like to lose their parents. To have to move out. To watch your family move on, when it's all you can think about. To watch your friends politely ignore the issue because they don't know what to say.

    I hope someone replies to this. Anyone. Because I am really struggling to find someone who has been through this. I just want to talk. I just want to be able to talk to someone who understands, someone who knows what this is like, the soul crushing emptiness you feel, and at the same time, the desperate urge to carry on, the urge to carry on for THEM. To make them proud.

    May God help you in your sorrow,

    Henry
  • kittygato
    kittygato Member Posts: 5
    38-yo orphan
    I lost my mom on July 26th. I am an only child of 38 who also never knew her father and was raised solely by by mom. She was my mother, father, sister, brother but mostly my best friend. I miss her so much that it physically hurts. I know that its too soon to expect too much, but the pain is unbearable right now and I just want it to pass. My mother battled colon cancer for 4 long years and never once admitted she was dying, much less let me say "good-bye". I lived with her and cared for her the last month of her life, but I also ask myself the same questions. I am adult but suddenly feel like an 8 year old who is expected to function in an adult world. I walk around with a lump in my throat, forever on the verge of breaking into tears. I cannot find joy in my daily life right now and wonder if I ever will again. She told me that I was her reason for living and I never told her, but she was mine. Simply put, this just sucks.
  • Anne_B
    Anne_B Member Posts: 1
    henry123 said:

    To all orphans
    Hi guys,

    My name's Henry. I know this is an American site, but I need to talk to someone about this. Last October, I lost my dad. I was 16. My mother had died when I was 5. I am an only child. My friends and family have struggled to keep me going, but I'm making it so far, day by day, inch by inch. Not worrying about what was coming next, just getting by. I've got stronger and stronger, but I need to talk to someone who's been through this. Someone who know's what it's like to lose their parents. To have to move out. To watch your family move on, when it's all you can think about. To watch your friends politely ignore the issue because they don't know what to say.

    I hope someone replies to this. Anyone. Because I am really struggling to find someone who has been through this. I just want to talk. I just want to be able to talk to someone who understands, someone who knows what this is like, the soul crushing emptiness you feel, and at the same time, the desperate urge to carry on, the urge to carry on for THEM. To make them proud.

    May God help you in your sorrow,

    Henry

    For Henry
    Dear Henry,

    Please let me know if you are still wanting to talk; I am an "orphan" of the last year, too, though way older than you ~ age doesn't seem to make a difference.

    Bless you,
    Anne
    (in US)
  • Rafaella
    Rafaella Member Posts: 1
    kittygato said:

    38-yo orphan
    I lost my mom on July 26th. I am an only child of 38 who also never knew her father and was raised solely by by mom. She was my mother, father, sister, brother but mostly my best friend. I miss her so much that it physically hurts. I know that its too soon to expect too much, but the pain is unbearable right now and I just want it to pass. My mother battled colon cancer for 4 long years and never once admitted she was dying, much less let me say "good-bye". I lived with her and cared for her the last month of her life, but I also ask myself the same questions. I am adult but suddenly feel like an 8 year old who is expected to function in an adult world. I walk around with a lump in my throat, forever on the verge of breaking into tears. I cannot find joy in my daily life right now and wonder if I ever will again. She told me that I was her reason for living and I never told her, but she was mine. Simply put, this just sucks.

    Me too!

    I'm also 38 and lost my mother to breast cancer last year. I lost my Dad in 1996. I'm an only child too, and while I have a loving husband, I feel about 6 years old, am still crying every day, and I feel completely abandoned. I wonder if I'm ever going to feel happy again or find real pleasure in life without my mom. She was my best friend and my constant cheerleader. I do thank you for posting your message Kittygato, as one thing that really does help is knowing that I'm not alone. x
  • ManyWheat
    ManyWheat Member Posts: 6
    I've been orphaned too!
    My Mom passed away 3 weeks ago today. My Dad passed away 7 years ago. I am 25 and an orphan. No one understands that. I have two sisters, 1 of which I'm very close to and the other I have become close to through my mother's illness. My older sister has a husband and gave birth to the first grand baby a week after my Mom passed. She has a family. I know she feels alone, but I dont have that. I cant go to my Mother's house because I just cry whenever Im there. My younger sister is about to go back to school 8 hours away from me. I am staying at my best friends house, but I acually live in TN. I came down to TX when my mom was put back in the hospital. I missed too much school and have been forced to withdrawal until next Fall. I am homeless, I am orphaned, I have only a 1 good friend here. I dont know how to make my other friends understand. I was very close to my Mother and I no longer have that. We would talk numerous times throughout the day and she was always the first one I would call when something good or bad happened. I miss her so incredibly much. My friends say that I am not an orphan....I'm over the age of 18. But, where do I go for Christmas break now? I no longer have a central location to go to. She will miss my graduation...she was so proud that I was getting my Master's, not only will that be delayed a year now, but she wont be there to share that with me. She wont see me or my younger sister get married. She missed the birth of her first grandchild by a week. Is it crazy that I no longer feel like I have a family? I love my sisters to death and am crazy about them, but I want a FAMILY. We are all close, but its just not the same. If youre an orphan like me and in Houston and need someone that understands, let me know. Because no one gets me.
  • ember712
    ember712 Member Posts: 1
    Rafaella said:

    Me too!

    I'm also 38 and lost my mother to breast cancer last year. I lost my Dad in 1996. I'm an only child too, and while I have a loving husband, I feel about 6 years old, am still crying every day, and I feel completely abandoned. I wonder if I'm ever going to feel happy again or find real pleasure in life without my mom. She was my best friend and my constant cheerleader. I do thank you for posting your message Kittygato, as one thing that really does help is knowing that I'm not alone. x

    Hello Rafaella
    I read your post with great interest and empathy. I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. I lost both my parents when I was young (mom when I was 15 and dad when I was 25). I do have loving sisters and a good support system. But my only child, a beautiful daughter died almost 6 years ago at age 18. The grief journey lasts a lifetime. And this is certainly not the life I ordered or planned. Everybody grieves differently and there's nothing wrong with crying, every day - if it helps you. I support you and the others on this site and will be here in whatever small way to help or talk or write. My email is [email protected]
  • alessandra
    alessandra Member Posts: 1
    adjusting to loss of parent
    Hi:

    I'm so glad that I found this group. My mother died of esophageal cancer in 2003 when I was 39 years old and I'm still trying to grasp the emotional toll her death has had on my life. I still miss her so much. We were so close, even our birthdays were one day apart. I truly understand the pain being experienced by everyone who has posted on this site. My mother loved me more than no one else. She truly was the center of gravity in my life. Of course I did not understand how central she was to the stability of my life until about three months after she was gone. I very much appreciate the post of the mother who fears for her child now that both she and her husband are ill. What a gift you are giving to your child to try to prepare the way for him after you and your husband transition after this life. My son too is an only child and I would do anything to spare him the pain that I experienced after my mother died. If you are sill posting on this board, I would very much like to hear how things are going with the preparations for your son, if you are open to sharing that information.

    I am writing a book about the impact of parental death on only children. If anyone posting at this site is willing to share your information or be interviewed, please contact me [email protected]

    God Bless
  • eponine
    eponine Member Posts: 1

    adjusting to loss of parent
    Hi:

    I'm so glad that I found this group. My mother died of esophageal cancer in 2003 when I was 39 years old and I'm still trying to grasp the emotional toll her death has had on my life. I still miss her so much. We were so close, even our birthdays were one day apart. I truly understand the pain being experienced by everyone who has posted on this site. My mother loved me more than no one else. She truly was the center of gravity in my life. Of course I did not understand how central she was to the stability of my life until about three months after she was gone. I very much appreciate the post of the mother who fears for her child now that both she and her husband are ill. What a gift you are giving to your child to try to prepare the way for him after you and your husband transition after this life. My son too is an only child and I would do anything to spare him the pain that I experienced after my mother died. If you are sill posting on this board, I would very much like to hear how things are going with the preparations for your son, if you are open to sharing that information.

    I am writing a book about the impact of parental death on only children. If anyone posting at this site is willing to share your information or be interviewed, please contact me [email protected]

    God Bless

    four weeks ago today
    To those who still read this forum or post here: I was glad to find this community through Google. My dad passed away four weeks ago today. I lived in a bit of fog for the first few weeks. Being an only child and losing a parent is like losing half your family. I lost the voice of logic, the bass to accompany my mezzo, my dad, friend and confidante. There will never be another one like him. I miss him so much! He was not perfect- not in the least, but it didn't matter. The past few months I couldn't see / refused to see how sick he really was. I found myself angry at him when he was alive and deep down when I questioned myself, I was angry because he was sick. But he wasn't as forthcoming as he could have been either, keeping many major details about his health from me.

    I too, feel thrust into the part of being a child again, as if he's abandoning me yet again like he did after the divorce for which I forgave him. This sucks.

    I'm getting married this fall and can't begin to describe the anguish of having to take his name off the guest list. He and my mom are the two people I would most want there. He and I had been planning the reception and talking through the details.

    I crumple when I'm around men. I miss his laugh, his voice, his hugs.

    He was taken too soon. It's hard to describe what this is like to people with brothers and sisters. I am somehow keeper of the family stories; I bear the burden with no one of equal weight to help shoulder it. My mom has really tried to be strong during this period and they haven't been married in over 20 years. But everyone seems to expect things to just resume like nothing happened. I can't stomach this place without him in it. I am happy to be alive, but wish I had more time. And even as I write that- could there ever be enough time? Thanks for reading.
  • Hope for all
    Hope for all Member Posts: 2
    eponine said:

    four weeks ago today
    To those who still read this forum or post here: I was glad to find this community through Google. My dad passed away four weeks ago today. I lived in a bit of fog for the first few weeks. Being an only child and losing a parent is like losing half your family. I lost the voice of logic, the bass to accompany my mezzo, my dad, friend and confidante. There will never be another one like him. I miss him so much! He was not perfect- not in the least, but it didn't matter. The past few months I couldn't see / refused to see how sick he really was. I found myself angry at him when he was alive and deep down when I questioned myself, I was angry because he was sick. But he wasn't as forthcoming as he could have been either, keeping many major details about his health from me.

    I too, feel thrust into the part of being a child again, as if he's abandoning me yet again like he did after the divorce for which I forgave him. This sucks.

    I'm getting married this fall and can't begin to describe the anguish of having to take his name off the guest list. He and my mom are the two people I would most want there. He and I had been planning the reception and talking through the details.

    I crumple when I'm around men. I miss his laugh, his voice, his hugs.

    He was taken too soon. It's hard to describe what this is like to people with brothers and sisters. I am somehow keeper of the family stories; I bear the burden with no one of equal weight to help shoulder it. My mom has really tried to be strong during this period and they haven't been married in over 20 years. But everyone seems to expect things to just resume like nothing happened. I can't stomach this place without him in it. I am happy to be alive, but wish I had more time. And even as I write that- could there ever be enough time? Thanks for reading.

    3 months ago...I lost my mother, my only parent
    I feel like I am starting my life over again. What is with this self doubt and insecurity? Once I was a very busy, involved Mom. My job was extremely competitive and I look back and wonder how I did all that.


    Eponine, I know exactly what you are saying about being the keeper of family stories, family history falls on us now. If I am to pass it on to my children, and any generation after them, it's up to me. No one understands how I must preserve the letters and photos..all dating back from my child hood, now my mothers child hood, her mother and her grandmother, all of their husbands. It's overwhelming knowing that their memories can live on or be forgotten depending on what I do.

    I was crushed on Mother's Day falling barely three weeks after my mother's death, I cannot imagine...you are planning your Wedding. Love your heart is all I can say.
  • sjfrasier86
    sjfrasier86 Member Posts: 1
    henry123 said:

    To all orphans
    Hi guys,

    My name's Henry. I know this is an American site, but I need to talk to someone about this. Last October, I lost my dad. I was 16. My mother had died when I was 5. I am an only child. My friends and family have struggled to keep me going, but I'm making it so far, day by day, inch by inch. Not worrying about what was coming next, just getting by. I've got stronger and stronger, but I need to talk to someone who's been through this. Someone who know's what it's like to lose their parents. To have to move out. To watch your family move on, when it's all you can think about. To watch your friends politely ignore the issue because they don't know what to say.

    I hope someone replies to this. Anyone. Because I am really struggling to find someone who has been through this. I just want to talk. I just want to be able to talk to someone who understands, someone who knows what this is like, the soul crushing emptiness you feel, and at the same time, the desperate urge to carry on, the urge to carry on for THEM. To make them proud.

    May God help you in your sorrow,

    Henry

    Orphaned
    Henry,

    My name is Sarah. No I am not an orphan to cancer. But I have a student who is. He is currently 18 and a senior in high school. He lost his mom 2 years ago to breast cancer and doesn't have any other family. He is very much is the situation that you are. I know that he lives with a friend and gets money through social security but once he graduates he is on his own. I think that he is starting to feel the burden of being alone and doesn't know where to turn. I am doing my best to help him but I really could never fully understand like you could. I think that you talking to him would be an amazing thing. I just don't want him to fee like no one understands and I am praying that he chooses not to give up and continue to fight. Let me know if you are interested in speaking with him. I know that it would really help him. Thank you! My email is [email protected]
  • eponine said:

    four weeks ago today
    To those who still read this forum or post here: I was glad to find this community through Google. My dad passed away four weeks ago today. I lived in a bit of fog for the first few weeks. Being an only child and losing a parent is like losing half your family. I lost the voice of logic, the bass to accompany my mezzo, my dad, friend and confidante. There will never be another one like him. I miss him so much! He was not perfect- not in the least, but it didn't matter. The past few months I couldn't see / refused to see how sick he really was. I found myself angry at him when he was alive and deep down when I questioned myself, I was angry because he was sick. But he wasn't as forthcoming as he could have been either, keeping many major details about his health from me.

    I too, feel thrust into the part of being a child again, as if he's abandoning me yet again like he did after the divorce for which I forgave him. This sucks.

    I'm getting married this fall and can't begin to describe the anguish of having to take his name off the guest list. He and my mom are the two people I would most want there. He and I had been planning the reception and talking through the details.

    I crumple when I'm around men. I miss his laugh, his voice, his hugs.

    He was taken too soon. It's hard to describe what this is like to people with brothers and sisters. I am somehow keeper of the family stories; I bear the burden with no one of equal weight to help shoulder it. My mom has really tried to be strong during this period and they haven't been married in over 20 years. But everyone seems to expect things to just resume like nothing happened. I can't stomach this place without him in it. I am happy to be alive, but wish I had more time. And even as I write that- could there ever be enough time? Thanks for reading.

    Never enough time
    Years ago, I was watching an television episode dealing with a parent's death and one character asked another "Was it sudden?". The reply: "Yes. And no. It's always sudden".

    I lost my dad to a heart attack when I was in high school. He came home from work, everything was fine; 2 hours later he was gone. My mom died after a long battle with cancer when I was in college. There wasn't enough time with either of them. Whether you know it's coming or you have weeks/months/years to prepare, you're never ready.

    I'm glad I found this site. I think sometimes, that when people think of orphans, they picture a little child who never knew her parents at all. Really, though, it's anyone who's lost their parents and it's never easy.
  • PermeliaH
    PermeliaH Member Posts: 1
    Only children/orphans
    I truly sympathize with everyone here. I was orphaned at 56 years of age. Never too old to be an orphan. And it hurts. Terribly. My mother and father and I had created a safe, comforting place in an often difficult world. I miss my folks. I miss my home. Trying to move forward after the death of my mother 2 years ago. My beloved dad passed away in 1993. It's a totally different world now for me - only child, woman without husband or children. Not so safe or comfortable. The medical industry let my family down in a big way. Trusted docs acted like weird automatons and such. Feeling like an stranger in a strange land.

    I've been interested in genealogy for several years now. My problem is more about wondering if anyone will be interested in the artifacts and information I've collected over the years. No one currently is, except for me. I count! I can do this research for myself. It's strange to make a transition from us to me. Makes the absence more apparent. Trying to move forward and have confidence. Two years of grief seems like a very long time. For orphans, it is not, I think. More complicated situation.

    Best of luck and hang in there everyone. I hope to hear your stories one day.
  • aloneintheworld
    aloneintheworld Member Posts: 1
    PermeliaH said:

    Only children/orphans
    I truly sympathize with everyone here. I was orphaned at 56 years of age. Never too old to be an orphan. And it hurts. Terribly. My mother and father and I had created a safe, comforting place in an often difficult world. I miss my folks. I miss my home. Trying to move forward after the death of my mother 2 years ago. My beloved dad passed away in 1993. It's a totally different world now for me - only child, woman without husband or children. Not so safe or comfortable. The medical industry let my family down in a big way. Trusted docs acted like weird automatons and such. Feeling like an stranger in a strange land.

    I've been interested in genealogy for several years now. My problem is more about wondering if anyone will be interested in the artifacts and information I've collected over the years. No one currently is, except for me. I count! I can do this research for myself. It's strange to make a transition from us to me. Makes the absence more apparent. Trying to move forward and have confidence. Two years of grief seems like a very long time. For orphans, it is not, I think. More complicated situation.

    Best of luck and hang in there everyone. I hope to hear your stories one day.

    only child, never married
    I have mentioned to people that I had to deal with watching out for and then caring for my widowed mother for 17 years, then the loss of both parents, handling and closing her estate, managing and maintaining two homes, disposing of and moving numerous items, merging two homes worth of things into one, preparing and then selling one home, and absolutely NO one comprehends what it is do all of that without any help whatsoever. The only responses I get are simplistic replies like why did it take so long or decisions are part of being an adult.

    Yes, I had a wonderful holiday month. No one even asked what I did--I painted two rooms. That was the extent of my holiday celebration. I rarely receive a legitimate phone call to find out if I am still alive much less to receive a single present. Valentines Day, Mother's & Father's Days, their birthdays, my birthday will likely again be "celebrated" in the same way. No one has a clue to what feels like to realize that there is no one to check up on you.
  • ata2d
    ata2d Member Posts: 6

    only child, never married
    I have mentioned to people that I had to deal with watching out for and then caring for my widowed mother for 17 years, then the loss of both parents, handling and closing her estate, managing and maintaining two homes, disposing of and moving numerous items, merging two homes worth of things into one, preparing and then selling one home, and absolutely NO one comprehends what it is do all of that without any help whatsoever. The only responses I get are simplistic replies like why did it take so long or decisions are part of being an adult.

    Yes, I had a wonderful holiday month. No one even asked what I did--I painted two rooms. That was the extent of my holiday celebration. I rarely receive a legitimate phone call to find out if I am still alive much less to receive a single present. Valentines Day, Mother's & Father's Days, their birthdays, my birthday will likely again be "celebrated" in the same way. No one has a clue to what feels like to realize that there is no one to check up on you.

    orphan and fighting cancer
    I hear your pain, I lost my father when I was 17 and my mother when I was 33 and was first diagnosed with cancer when I was 38. Now I'm 42 and the cancer is back. If my mom was here she would just take control and drag me through this lol. She was the strongest lady I've ever known. People don't realize how much more difficult it is to go through this alone. In all aspects it is more difficult finacially it ruined me the first time. Just started my first chemo 6 days ago and I have no idea how this will play out.
  • Hopeful720
    Hopeful720 Member Posts: 89
    eponine said:

    four weeks ago today
    To those who still read this forum or post here: I was glad to find this community through Google. My dad passed away four weeks ago today. I lived in a bit of fog for the first few weeks. Being an only child and losing a parent is like losing half your family. I lost the voice of logic, the bass to accompany my mezzo, my dad, friend and confidante. There will never be another one like him. I miss him so much! He was not perfect- not in the least, but it didn't matter. The past few months I couldn't see / refused to see how sick he really was. I found myself angry at him when he was alive and deep down when I questioned myself, I was angry because he was sick. But he wasn't as forthcoming as he could have been either, keeping many major details about his health from me.

    I too, feel thrust into the part of being a child again, as if he's abandoning me yet again like he did after the divorce for which I forgave him. This sucks.

    I'm getting married this fall and can't begin to describe the anguish of having to take his name off the guest list. He and my mom are the two people I would most want there. He and I had been planning the reception and talking through the details.

    I crumple when I'm around men. I miss his laugh, his voice, his hugs.

    He was taken too soon. It's hard to describe what this is like to people with brothers and sisters. I am somehow keeper of the family stories; I bear the burden with no one of equal weight to help shoulder it. My mom has really tried to be strong during this period and they haven't been married in over 20 years. But everyone seems to expect things to just resume like nothing happened. I can't stomach this place without him in it. I am happy to be alive, but wish I had more time. And even as I write that- could there ever be enough time? Thanks for reading.

    Only Child
    I am an only child, as well, and lost my dad to cancer on 1/19. It does feel like you've lost half of your family. Your post made me think, and it helped me feel like I am not alone. All of your posts have... thank you for the comfort. It is difficult to find it in a time like this...
  • Jacqueline Chicago
    Jacqueline Chicago Member Posts: 5
    I just became an orphan @34! This is really tough.
    It's extremely hard to not have your mom's eternal support and love on earth anymore. No one truly understands the effect of this on everything in your life. It's like a light went dark in a large part of my heart. I had only 90 days to say goodbye: on 1/19 she was diagnosed with metastatic pancreatic cancer and on 4/19 she died in my arms. I am broken.
  • mattk4608
    mattk4608 Member Posts: 1
    I'm 27 and lost my mom back
    I'm 27 and lost my mom back on 3/13 to cervical/liver cancer. I never met my dad, so growing up I only had one parent...and she had me young, so our relationship was pretty different all over.

    I feel weird trying to convey how I feel onto a screen because words wouldn't ever be able to do our relationship justice (as I'm sure you all probably feel the same).

    This kind of loss is more wild than anything that I've ever been through.

    Does anyone have any suggestions on how to work through this kind of grief?
  • sstarski
    sstarski Member Posts: 1
    mattk4608 said:

    I'm 27 and lost my mom back
    I'm 27 and lost my mom back on 3/13 to cervical/liver cancer. I never met my dad, so growing up I only had one parent...and she had me young, so our relationship was pretty different all over.

    I feel weird trying to convey how I feel onto a screen because words wouldn't ever be able to do our relationship justice (as I'm sure you all probably feel the same).

    This kind of loss is more wild than anything that I've ever been through.

    Does anyone have any suggestions on how to work through this kind of grief?

    I lost my father 7 years ago to a massive cardiac arrest and my mother died last friday of pancreatic ca.

    My mum was more than my mum, she was my team-mate, the one I would confide in, the one that would give me nudges in the right direction but never question my decisions, always offering support.

    I can't comment on if being an only child is different to being an adult orphan - Logically is will be, as has been pointed out. We are now the sole custodians of our history, my mother and fathers tears, their triumphs and thier laughs rest soley on our shoulders.

    There is not only a feeling of "arhhhh wheres my support" there is also a feeling of foreboding and responsibility that is hard to articulate.

    The ones that have shown pride and in some essense have been the reason behind success are no longer there - My drive to "do well" has temporarily run out of steam.

    The thought of Birthdays, Christmas and other celebrations sacres me to death.

    However - I know I am going to be OK, whilst my parents are not here to guide any longer, whilst I will never hear their laughs or their voices, whilst I will never again open a present that I never really wanted, whilst I will never be able to walk into the family home and see a smiling parental face. I know I am going to be OK - Just like all of you will be. Why??

    Well for billions of years from the outset of time, every single one of our ancestors survived, successfuly survived and passed onto you life. I know, in me and in all of you our parents whilst physically gone are here with each of us. The sum of mine / your memories are essentially the final gift our parents bestow - the greatest one of all - THey give us "them" afterall, the thing they have left us to remind them of them is us!!!

    This is a ramble - hopefully coherent!
  • Lil0806
    Lil0806 Member Posts: 1
    mattk4608 said:

    I'm 27 and lost my mom back
    I'm 27 and lost my mom back on 3/13 to cervical/liver cancer. I never met my dad, so growing up I only had one parent...and she had me young, so our relationship was pretty different all over.

    I feel weird trying to convey how I feel onto a screen because words wouldn't ever be able to do our relationship justice (as I'm sure you all probably feel the same).

    This kind of loss is more wild than anything that I've ever been through.

    Does anyone have any suggestions on how to work through this kind of grief?

    I'm 25 and lost my mum
    Hi, Im 25 and lost my mum 6 weeks ago to cancer:( I still can't believe it, it still feels so surreal .. I can't believe that I will never see her again:( I have never had a relationship with my dad and have no brothers or sisters..she was all I needed she was the best mum and my best friend

    I miss her soo much :((
  • misunderstood
    misunderstood Member Posts: 3
    can/t believe this
    I can't believe I am doing this. But I do feel totally misundertood. Nine years ago I lost my father to cancer and now five months ago I lost my mother to ovarian cancer less than two weeks after being diagnosed with it. I was caregiver to both for so long now I am having a hard time figuring out how I fit in this world and why me. I am an only child and people around me have a hard time understanding that two/thirds of my family is dead. I am tired of being told how I should act, feel...............we are a very unique group of people when we are from families of only children
  • Ladybug64
    Ladybug64 Member Posts: 2
    Hi Diane
    I too am an only child and have lost my Father when I was 8 and Grandmother at 19 and my last family member my Mother at 40 years old she was 81 to Ovarian Cancer... I have been struggling to deal and find my way with my own life. How to go on when I was her caregiver for the last 15 years... I miss her and it seems my life for some reason is out of sync...
    I am looking to join a group to talk too... To hopfully find peace and me again... If anyone who may understand my feelings and would like to talk I would love that... For my own family I have created at times has a hard time understanding... Thank you , Christine
  • Ladybug64
    Ladybug64 Member Posts: 2

    can/t believe this
    I can't believe I am doing this. But I do feel totally misundertood. Nine years ago I lost my father to cancer and now five months ago I lost my mother to ovarian cancer less than two weeks after being diagnosed with it. I was caregiver to both for so long now I am having a hard time figuring out how I fit in this world and why me. I am an only child and people around me have a hard time understanding that two/thirds of my family is dead. I am tired of being told how I should act, feel...............we are a very unique group of people when we are from families of only children

    Hi misunderstood...
    I feel everything you are going through.. Would love to talk with you and share your story... I feel VERY misunderstood myself... Christine
  • LisaMarie67
    LisaMarie67 Member Posts: 1
    Ladybug64 said:

    Hi Diane
    I too am an only child and have lost my Father when I was 8 and Grandmother at 19 and my last family member my Mother at 40 years old she was 81 to Ovarian Cancer... I have been struggling to deal and find my way with my own life. How to go on when I was her caregiver for the last 15 years... I miss her and it seems my life for some reason is out of sync...
    I am looking to join a group to talk too... To hopfully find peace and me again... If anyone who may understand my feelings and would like to talk I would love that... For my own family I have created at times has a hard time understanding... Thank you , Christine

    Me too
    I am also an adult orphan of cancer. I never knew my father. My mother raised me for the most part and passed about 10 years ago from ovarian cancer. Our relationship was never that great. I never had any siblings. Or any that I knew. :) I lost my blood uncle 3 years ago and that leaves me really with no real relatives. My aunt is awesome (uncle's wife). I have her daughter, my cousin still alive, but we were never close. So basically there is no family left as my mother had no other siblings and now there is just me.. I am pretty strong and I make it through. I have two of my own children. But there is such a unique situation to adult only child orphans. Most days I am fine. But sometimes it hits me just how alone in the world I feel. I have friends, in-laws and kids, but still often I feel alone. I think it can be a really lonely feeling. I have gotten over my mom's death, it gets easier. But some things I haven't gotten over are its just me now. To be the real oldest person in your family at 44, well, it is kind of sad sometimes. You have a full life, yet the feeling is often lonely. I so get it.
  • misunderstood
    misunderstood Member Posts: 3
    I too am an only child and
    I too am an only child and my mother died of ovarian cancer in april 13 days after being given her death sentence. My father died 9 years ago of throat cancer two months after being given his death sentence. Now two/thirds of my family is dead. I have a large extended family that is very supportive but they don't truly understand how hard and devestating this is for me. It is difficult finding how I fit into this world especially since I have looked after my mother for the last nine years. I visit the cemetary twice a day as that is where I feel my family is planting flowers around the grave and tending to them. Only children are truly misunderstood whrn they loose bith parents. It basically sucks. I don't know how and where I belong. I have now finally placed our family house for sale and want a smaller place for myself as my home has so many memories I am finding it very difficult to live in this house. I never knew how difficult anf final this would be.
  • Frank61
    Frank61 Member Posts: 1

    I too am an only child and
    I too am an only child and my mother died of ovarian cancer in april 13 days after being given her death sentence. My father died 9 years ago of throat cancer two months after being given his death sentence. Now two/thirds of my family is dead. I have a large extended family that is very supportive but they don't truly understand how hard and devestating this is for me. It is difficult finding how I fit into this world especially since I have looked after my mother for the last nine years. I visit the cemetary twice a day as that is where I feel my family is planting flowers around the grave and tending to them. Only children are truly misunderstood whrn they loose bith parents. It basically sucks. I don't know how and where I belong. I have now finally placed our family house for sale and want a smaller place for myself as my home has so many memories I am finding it very difficult to live in this house. I never knew how difficult anf final this would be.

    I am completely alone
    My mother died three days ago on 12/10/11. I am an only child, 56 years old - my dad died 26 years ago. I am unmarried, have no kids - all of my aunts and uncles have died. What purpose is left in my life? Who will ask how I am? Who will care what happens to me? The despair and loneliness I feel is tremendous and I am completely lost.

    Why has God done this to me? My mother died suddenly of liver and lung cancer and I am spiritually worn out from caring for her until her last dying moments.

    I wish I could join my parents and see them again.
  • MomhasStage4EC
    MomhasStage4EC Member Posts: 39
    Frank61 said:

    I am completely alone
    My mother died three days ago on 12/10/11. I am an only child, 56 years old - my dad died 26 years ago. I am unmarried, have no kids - all of my aunts and uncles have died. What purpose is left in my life? Who will ask how I am? Who will care what happens to me? The despair and loneliness I feel is tremendous and I am completely lost.

    Why has God done this to me? My mother died suddenly of liver and lung cancer and I am spiritually worn out from caring for her until her last dying moments.

    I wish I could join my parents and see them again.

    I am so sorry. I too am an
    I am so sorry. I too am an only child. I had to take care of my mother before she died. It was the worst thing I have ever had to do. And im pretty sure the worst thing I will ever do. She was young at 51, it was September 11, 2011 of this year. I will ask you how you are and care about what happens to you. I felt the same way you do right now...why couldnt I just go with her? Why has GOD done this to me...again. I do have children, and I will not compare our situations...they both are terrible. The hospice nurses had pitty for me, I did not want pitty, this poor 32 year old girl. I will email you my private email.
    So sorry for your loss Frank, please dont give up, your mother wouldnt want that.
    -Mandy
  • MomhasStage4EC
    MomhasStage4EC Member Posts: 39
    Your situation is very
    Your situation is very similar to mine. I feel your pain and im so sorry for your loss.