only children = orphan adults

yuyucortes

kittygato said:

38-yo orphan
I lost my mom on July 26th. I am an only child of 38 who also never knew her father and was raised solely by by mom. She was my mother, father, sister, brother but mostly my best friend. I miss her so much that it physically hurts. I know that its too soon to expect too much, but the pain is unbearable right now and I just want it to pass. My mother battled colon cancer for 4 long years and never once admitted she was dying, much less let me say "good-bye". I lived with her and cared for her the last month of her life, but I also ask myself the same questions. I am adult but suddenly feel like an 8 year old who is expected to function in an adult world. I walk around with a lump in my throat, forever on the verge of breaking into tears. I cannot find joy in my daily life right now and wonder if I ever will again. She told me that I was her reason for living and I never told her, but she was mine. Simply put, this just sucks.

Wondering if you are still active in this group?

Only child that lost her only parent Feeling a new type of alone

New

I really hope this is still an active group...

I am feeling very lost and alone. A new type of alone and do not know how to navigate. I dont know anyone that has gone through a similar situation.  I dont know how to describe it fully.

I am 38 and my mom passed away last year. I was the only child of my single mother. I do not have any relationship with my father and very limited to his family's side and do not have any other close relatives like I had with my mom on her side. I was her caregiver for four years until she passed. I have been married for 13 years and my husband and I are in a solid relationship. We have been struggling with instead of being the 3 of us (with my mom) to just us but we are dealing and taking it day by day and therapy. We paused having children while we cared for my mom. We want to have a child soon but I know I have to "get better" to be a good parent.

I am starting the second year of being without my mom. I feel this past year was so overwhelmed and overshadowed by her passing, the immediately absense, missing her, finding my ground, and dealing with my depression but lately I feel I am going through something different? I feel completely alone in the world. Not lonely. I am blessed with my husband and friends and relatives but I feel without my mom if I disappeared or got lost in a forest no one would know? I know my husband would know and my friends would but without my mom I feel its like I wouldnt exist? Does this make sense?

I am still going to bereavement therapy and struggling with mourning and depression medication trial and errors constantly changing. I know losing a loved one no matter who you are or who passed is hard but I have not been able to find someone who understands this particular alone feeling. I dont have a sibling to share my life or go to. I dont have another parent to to go or ever have had. My grandmother which was the only grandparent I had as close as I was with my mother passed 20 years ago. I am not even sure what I am looking for here. I guess I wonder will this larger than life feeling of being alone in the world ever cease or lessen or just not be an issue?

I miss my mom in simple ways. We were extremely close but nevetheless fought always but it was her and I against the world since I was born. Now its just me. I feel horrible because my husband keeps reminding me that he is here and always will be and he is understanding of not completely grasping this feeling. He has siblings, a large family, both parents, and grandparents, etc.

I guess I dont know what to do with myself sometimes. If I bought something as simple as a magazine, a frame or anything happened in my day she was who i told immediately and I knew I was not bothering her and I wanted to know what she saw bought did. i would tell her every detail of my day.  I dont have that anymore. Although the last four years this also changed. While caring for her I could not tell her my struggles or losses because I did not want to worry her but she was there I could have if I needed to. I dont want to take away from my husband because we are extremely close but with mom it was different. I guess I dont know how to deal with new type of "alone." I hope this made sense. I guess I am looking for someone who understands this feeling. Thank you. 

Juliana

yuyucortes

mattk4608 said:

I'm 27 and lost my mom back
I'm 27 and lost my mom back on 3/13 to cervical/liver cancer. I never met my dad, so growing up I only had one parent...and she had me young, so our relationship was pretty different all over.

I feel weird trying to convey how I feel onto a screen because words wouldn't ever be able to do our relationship justice (as I'm sure you all probably feel the same).

This kind of loss is more wild than anything that I've ever been through.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to work through this kind of grief?

Are you still active in this group?

Only child that lost her only parent Feeling a new type of alone

New

I really hope this is still an active group...

I am feeling very lost and alone. A new type of alone and do not know how to navigate. I dont know anyone that has gone through a similar situation.  I dont know how to describe it fully.

I am 38 and my mom passed away last year. I was the only child of my single mother. I do not have any relationship with my father and very limited to his family's side and do not have any other close relatives like I had with my mom on her side. I was her caregiver for four years until she passed. I have been married for 13 years and my husband and I are in a solid relationship. We have been struggling with instead of being the 3 of us (with my mom) to just us but we are dealing and taking it day by day and therapy. We paused having children while we cared for my mom. We want to have a child soon but I know I have to "get better" to be a good parent.

I am starting the second year of being without my mom. I feel this past year was so overwhelmed and overshadowed by her passing, the immediately absense, missing her, finding my ground, and dealing with my depression but lately I feel I am going through something different? I feel completely alone in the world. Not lonely. I am blessed with my husband and friends and relatives but I feel without my mom if I disappeared or got lost in a forest no one would know? I know my husband would know and my friends would but without my mom I feel its like I wouldnt exist? Does this make sense?

I am still going to bereavement therapy and struggling with mourning and depression medication trial and errors constantly changing. I know losing a loved one no matter who you are or who passed is hard but I have not been able to find someone who understands this particular alone feeling. I dont have a sibling to share my life or go to. I dont have another parent to to go or ever have had. My grandmother which was the only grandparent I had as close as I was with my mother passed 20 years ago. I am not even sure what I am looking for here. I guess I wonder will this larger than life feeling of being alone in the world ever cease or lessen or just not be an issue?

I miss my mom in simple ways. We were extremely close but nevetheless fought always but it was her and I against the world since I was born. Now its just me. I feel horrible because my husband keeps reminding me that he is here and always will be and he is understanding of not completely grasping this feeling. He has siblings, a large family, both parents, and grandparents, etc.

I guess I dont know what to do with myself sometimes. If I bought something as simple as a magazine, a frame or anything happened in my day she was who i told immediately and I knew I was not bothering her and I wanted to know what she saw bought did. i would tell her every detail of my day.  I dont have that anymore. Although the last four years this also changed. While caring for her I could not tell her my struggles or losses because I did not want to worry her but she was there I could have if I needed to. I dont want to take away from my husband because we are extremely close but with mom it was different. I guess I dont know how to deal with new type of "alone." I hope this made sense. I guess I am looking for someone who understands this feeling. Thank you. 

Juliana

CSN_Bill

yuyucortes said:

Only child that lost her only parent Feeling a new type of alone

I really hope this is still an active group...

I am feeling very lost and alone. A new type of alone and do not know how to navigate. I dont know anyone that has gone through a similar situation.  I dont know how to describe it fully.

I am 38 and my mom passed away last year. I was the only child of my single mother. I do not have any relationship with my father and very limited to his family's side and do not have any other close relatives like I had with my mom on her side. I was her caregiver for four years until she passed. I have been married for 13 years and my husband and I are in a solid relationship. We have been struggling with instead of being the 3 of us (with my mom) to just us but we are dealing and taking it day by day and therapy. We paused having children while we cared for my mom. We want to have a child soon but I know I have to "get better" to be a good parent.

I am starting the second year of being without my mom. I feel this past year was so overwhelmed and overshadowed by her passing, the immediately absense, missing her, finding my ground, and dealing with my depression but lately I feel I am going through something different? I feel completely alone in the world. Not lonely. I am blessed with my husband and friends and relatives but I feel without my mom if I disappeared or got lost in a forest no one would know? I know my husband would know and my friends would but without my mom I feel its like I wouldnt exist? Does this make sense?

I am still going to bereavement therapy and struggling with mourning and depression medication trial and errors constantly changing. I know losing a loved one no matter who you are or who passed is hard but I have not been able to find someone who understands this particular alone feeling. I dont have a sibling to share my life or go to. I dont have another parent to to go or ever have had. My grandmother which was the only grandparent I had as close as I was with my mother passed 20 years ago. I am not even sure what I am looking for here. I guess I wonder will this larger than life feeling of being alone in the world ever cease or lessen or just not be an issue?

I miss my mom in simple ways. We were extremely close but nevetheless fought always but it was her and I against the world since I was born. Now its just me. I feel horrible because my husband keeps reminding me that he is here and always will be and he is understanding of not completely grasping this feeling. He has siblings, a large family, both parents, and grandparents, etc.

I guess I dont know what to do with myself sometimes. If I bought something as simple as a magazine, a frame or anything happened in my day she was who i told immediately and I knew I was not bothering her and I wanted to know what she saw bought did. i would tell her every detail of my day.  I dont have that anymore. Although the last four years this also changed. While caring for her I could not tell her my struggles or losses because I did not want to worry her but she was there I could have if I needed to. I dont want to take away from my husband because we are extremely close but with mom it was different. I guess I dont know how to deal with new type of "alone." I hope this made sense. I guess I am looking for someone who understands this feeling. Thank you. 

Juliana

Hi Yuyu,

Hi Yuyu,

I noticed that you're responses have all been placed in discussion threads that are very old. Please note the dates on the posts directly above yours. We suggest that you go to the main page for Surviving Caregivers and click on the link at the top that says, "Add new Forum topic", towards the top of the page. This will start a new discussion and other members will see this. The liink for this discussion board is below:

Surviving Caregivers:

https://csn.cancer.org/forum/163

Please reach out to the CSN Support Team if you have any questions. 

Thanks,

Bill

CSN Support Team

 

WoundedPhoenixRising

yuyucortes said:

Wondering if you are still active in this group?

Only child that lost her only parent Feeling a new type of alone

New

I really hope this is still an active group...

I am feeling very lost and alone. A new type of alone and do not know how to navigate. I dont know anyone that has gone through a similar situation.  I dont know how to describe it fully.

I am 38 and my mom passed away last year. I was the only child of my single mother. I do not have any relationship with my father and very limited to his family's side and do not have any other close relatives like I had with my mom on her side. I was her caregiver for four years until she passed. I have been married for 13 years and my husband and I are in a solid relationship. We have been struggling with instead of being the 3 of us (with my mom) to just us but we are dealing and taking it day by day and therapy. We paused having children while we cared for my mom. We want to have a child soon but I know I have to "get better" to be a good parent.

I am starting the second year of being without my mom. I feel this past year was so overwhelmed and overshadowed by her passing, the immediately absense, missing her, finding my ground, and dealing with my depression but lately I feel I am going through something different? I feel completely alone in the world. Not lonely. I am blessed with my husband and friends and relatives but I feel without my mom if I disappeared or got lost in a forest no one would know? I know my husband would know and my friends would but without my mom I feel its like I wouldnt exist? Does this make sense?

I am still going to bereavement therapy and struggling with mourning and depression medication trial and errors constantly changing. I know losing a loved one no matter who you are or who passed is hard but I have not been able to find someone who understands this particular alone feeling. I dont have a sibling to share my life or go to. I dont have another parent to to go or ever have had. My grandmother which was the only grandparent I had as close as I was with my mother passed 20 years ago. I am not even sure what I am looking for here. I guess I wonder will this larger than life feeling of being alone in the world ever cease or lessen or just not be an issue?

I miss my mom in simple ways. We were extremely close but nevetheless fought always but it was her and I against the world since I was born. Now its just me. I feel horrible because my husband keeps reminding me that he is here and always will be and he is understanding of not completely grasping this feeling. He has siblings, a large family, both parents, and grandparents, etc.

I guess I dont know what to do with myself sometimes. If I bought something as simple as a magazine, a frame or anything happened in my day she was who i told immediately and I knew I was not bothering her and I wanted to know what she saw bought did. i would tell her every detail of my day.  I dont have that anymore. Although the last four years this also changed. While caring for her I could not tell her my struggles or losses because I did not want to worry her but she was there I could have if I needed to. I dont want to take away from my husband because we are extremely close but with mom it was different. I guess I dont know how to deal with new type of "alone." I hope this made sense. I guess I am looking for someone who understands this feeling. Thank you. 

Juliana

Hey Juliana

Hi there, 

 

I understand how you feel. I am the only child of my single parent mother. My father's side is complicated and I have very limited to no contact with them out of necessity/choice. They are not good at being supportive. My maternal grandparents I was close to, but they have passed away, too. Most of my mother's siblings have passed away or are out of the picture as well.  

I feel horribly alone. I lost my mom in October after many many years of her fighting this horrible, evil disease. I too felt like it was my mom and I against the world, because honestly, it was. We were more than just mother daughter, we were best friends and soul mates, really. 

I feel so utterly alone in this world. People offer to help or say they know how I feel, but then don't want to actually help when you take them up on it. Everyone says, "you can be part of our family now!" but then they treat me like a thorn in their side, unwanted and a burden. I feel so discarded and alone. People say they know how I feel. People say so many stupid, meaningless, thoughtless things in an effort to feel helpful. It doesn't. It just feels like lies, because ultimately, no matter how good-intentioned, it is. 

I want peace and comfort and for people to reach out and ask if I'm okay, but people don't want to. They accuse me of "not reaching out" to them. When did that suddenly become my responsibility? Especially as the person who is hurting the most from this horrible loss. When did it become my job to reach out to other people? I just want others to treat me with respect and love. I don't feel that's too hard, but apparently it is. 

I have no relationships, and I am 25. I am not a child anymore, but I've barely come into the world as my own person. Everyone just expects that I will get up and get back to normal. I lost the only person in my world who loved me unconditionally, and who understanded me implicitly, who I had the strongest connection with. My safety, my comfort, my love. And everyone else, so self-absorbed and not nearly as deep, just assumes they know better and that I should basically pull myself up by my emotional bootstraps. Ironically, I would be able to if people didn't keep asking favors of me, insulting me, hurting me, yelling at me, ignoring me... I sound selfish, and I feel selfish writing this. But I honestly think that people could be more compassionate in this hellish experience. 

I am nobody's anything anymore. I am not a daughter, a granddaughter, a cousin or even just a friend to some. I am an unwanted orphan, lost in a sea of lighthouses who advertise falsely safe shores. 

In my journeys to port I've been dashed against the rocks and tossed by dangerous waves. And yet, I am the burden. I am the unwanted one.

Do not shine a light if you do not intend to welcome stranded, shipwrecked beings at your shores. 

That is how I feel. 

I am sorry we both have to go through this horrible insanity and pain. It's awful suffering. 

 

You are not alone. 

 

NOLACare

Any growing up guidance into the inevitable situation?

So glad I found this group. After 9 years of looking for info on how to parent this circumstance, I found MissyMeow May 2009’s post “This is the only information I have found on only child orphans.”

My question to the forum is: with your experience, what guidance, ideas, tips, emotional development opportunities would have benefitted you, given you strength, growing into the inevitable only child= adult orphan?  

My spouse died when my child was 10 months old.  Parenting research is geared to “Single” parenting, focus on absent and divorce parents.  I rarely find true resources on being an “Only” parent. I adapt a lot and we have grown a tremendous family of two.  We embrace that our “normal” is different from average.   We manage the special “Parent” specific school days, dances, camping trips… well.  We have a supportive social network of close friends and family. 

Going into week 6 with the COVID stay at home order, party of two, the different connection of siblings and two parent units is observed. My preteen is recognizing the difference between being lonely and being alone.  The “I feel like no one GETS me.” phase started, which tends to be feeling lack of empathy.  Parents provide a primary roll in empathy.  Any tips that work for you on teaching self soothing skills when your parents are gone?  I suggested journaling, visioning, reading stories and of course keeping up with friends.  Would like to parlay this experience into a teachable moment for the future. Thank you and God Bless.

NatalieJA

NOLACare said:

Any growing up guidance into the inevitable situation?

So glad I found this group. After 9 years of looking for info on how to parent this circumstance, I found MissyMeow May 2009’s post “This is the only information I have found on only child orphans.”

My question to the forum is: with your experience, what guidance, ideas, tips, emotional development opportunities would have benefitted you, given you strength, growing into the inevitable only child= adult orphan?  

My spouse died when my child was 10 months old.  Parenting research is geared to “Single” parenting, focus on absent and divorce parents.  I rarely find true resources on being an “Only” parent. I adapt a lot and we have grown a tremendous family of two.  We embrace that our “normal” is different from average.   We manage the special “Parent” specific school days, dances, camping trips… well.  We have a supportive social network of close friends and family. 

Going into week 6 with the COVID stay at home order, party of two, the different connection of siblings and two parent units is observed. My preteen is recognizing the difference between being lonely and being alone.  The “I feel like no one GETS me.” phase started, which tends to be feeling lack of empathy.  Parents provide a primary roll in empathy.  Any tips that work for you on teaching self soothing skills when your parents are gone?  I suggested journaling, visioning, reading stories and of course keeping up with friends.  Would like to parlay this experience into a teachable moment for the future. Thank you and God Bless.

Hi NOLACare, it's good that

Hi NOLACare, it's good that you're thinking ahead for your child. You asked for suggestions, I think there are a few things you can do from now.

1. Since you mentioned having a close network of friends and family, I'd suggest deliberately making attempts for your child to regularly spend time with cousins etc in a similar age group that he/she likes....even as (especially as) he/she starts going through the teenage years. This will help to form a support system with persons who may be the closest thing to siblings that he or she will have when you're gone.

2. Take LOTS of pics with the two of you together...not just on special occassions. These pictures will form a happy timeline of events that your child can refer to in the future (make sure these pictures are backed up online somewhere).

3. Put as much as possible in place to ensure that when you do go (hopefully that will be very far away from now), the funeral arrangements will be as easy as possible for him/her. Life Insurance (or an account with funds for this purpose) is the most obvious one but you can even take it a step further (like my mother did in a sense) and write down something that mentions things like what kind of outfit you'd prefer to be buried in (if that matters to you), whether you want to be buried or cremated, any special songs etc you'd like sung at your funeral, recommendations for good funeral homes, caterers etc. Trust me, planning a funeral will be very hard for an only child, so he/she will look back with appreciation at you making it just a little bit easier for them.

4. Tell him/her you're proud of him/her every single time he/she does something well or puts their best into something they care about. Knowing his/her mom was proud of him/her will provide a soothing thought or at least a certain sense of peace when you're no longer here.

 

Hope these suggestions help in some way.

NatalieJA

Feels awful

I know this thread isnt terribly active but I've seen posts as recent as 2019 so I know people still come through sometimes.

 

I am an only child....unmarried (though in a relationship) and with no children of my own. I grew up with both parents and our little family was very closeknit. I've lost them both now and I'm now going through a loneliness that is difficult to describe and that I genuinely think only persons in my position can understand...so I'm glad I found this thread.

I lost my dad to cancer in 2009 when I was just 25 years old. It was devastating. I loved my dad dearly. He was fun-loving, easy-going, great to talk to and laugh with. Before he died (and especially before his diagnosis which came only 6 months before he died) I was carefree. After he died I grew up quickly in a number of ways. That kind of deep grief does something to you and you never go back to how you were before. It took me 3 years to 'get over' his death, at least to the point where I could think of him and smile at the thought of his memory vs wanting to cry all the time.

 

I think it may be possible that my dad and I were closer than my mom and I at the time of his passing. After he died, she and I became a lot closer though. We started taking lots of beach trips together, going on lunch outings, travelling abroad more than we used to and really started enjoying each other's company. I never left home either, all this time I was still living in the home I grew up in. In the latter part of 2018 I started living in between my mother's home and my partner's home...but was still at my mother's house every single day (a few exceptions here or there), even on the days when I would stay the night by my partner's home. My role eventually changed partially to somewhat of a caregiver role too (especially in the last 1.5 yrs) as she had started exhibiting all the very early signs of dementia and I had to now pay more close attention, help her to stay on schedule with her meds etc. Even though the dementia made some things difficult...it was still early-stage, so we were still able to chit-chat, laugh and enjoy times together.

 

6 weeks ago she got a sudden stroke...but we were still hopeful....then she started declining and acquired pneumonia in the hospital....she started recovering quite well from the pneumonia, so I was feeling hopeful all over again and started planning for her long term care....something I would have happily done for her with the help of the caregivers that I had now put in place. Then she took a sudden turn for the worse and died 3 weeks ago.

 

I am devasted. The grief surrounding my mother's passing is further complicated by the fact that I now feel so alone. I'm just now realizing that I'd previously never, really, truly thought about what it would feel like to be an only child with no parents. I'm only 36, with no (immediate) family. So I'm mourning twice now...mourning my dear mother who I felt I would have still been able to enjoy at least one or two more great years with (since the dementia was progressing relatively slowly)....but ALSO mourning what feels like the complete loss of family. I am now alone in this world. No connections. At least, that's how I feel. I have aunts and uncles who I know will check in on me with a phone call or so now and then...but it's not the same. Another adult orphan I came across online said she felt like "the only tree in a forest". I think that kind of describes it. A big part of my identity would have been connected to my family...now I'm just this single unit...no children of my own...no siblings to grieve with.

 

This feels terrible. I'm not sure how I will survive this. It's just awful. Though it does help to know, through this thread especially, that I'm not alone. No one else understands our pain.

Rayduport

Losing a parent is hard at any age. You can be seventy, and losing a parent still hurts like hell. It's one of the deepest pains a person can feel, and just imagine how hurtful it is when you don't have anyone as a kid.

thatonegirl

This thread has been going for so long, and I hope everyone is doing as well as can be expected.

I've been sitting here, feeling like many of you. So I did an Internet search, and here I am.

My father died about 20 years ago. I'm 40-ish now. I never had kids. It never seemed like a good idea and still doesn't.

My mother was diagnosed with cancer and died within months a little less than a year ago. It seemed like the treatments were working, then she got sepsis and went into hospice for a week and died. She wanted to die at home, and she lived in a small town where not many nurses could visit. I was her only 24/7 caregiver. The whole thing seemed like a whirlwind and out of the blue. She didn't deserve this.

Then everything fell to me because I was the only person left. The funeral. Calling the broader family. Handling her accounts. Selling her house. Every step has been gut-wrenching. I still need to sell her car.

Like the first poster said, in many ways, it seems like it's just getting worse.

We used to at least text every day.

Each holiday that passes... Each day where I have a piece of good news... Or each day when I'd call just to hear her voice to secretly cheer myself up... Each of those days feels like an insult as they pass.

She was so funny. She was quick to joy. She loved music, breathed it. She was an elementary school teacher. She had so many friends. She told the best stories.

I didn't realize how much I rely on validation for my self-image, and she gave me tons. Now? I have basically none from any source. Gah... What am I? 7? In ways, I feel like it.

I'm seeing a therapist and am on medication. I'm trying things to at least make my life better, but how much better can it be when every other thought is about how much I miss her?

People say it gets better, and I lie to make other people worry less about me. For me, it hasn't. At least not today.

Today, I'm an only child orphan, reading all your stories and crying because it's a crap situation we've been dealt.