Losing My Mother Soon

So back at the end of December 2010 my mom's abdomen got swollen and she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She is 57 years old and I am 23 years old.

I am an only child. Tomorrow is my birthday and she is going to die within a couple of days. I have no other family and because of that I had to put her in a nursing home in hospice care. I work a 9am-5pm job at home and have a significant other...and as much as i feel guilty about it, I didn't want to have her move in with us.

It is february 2nd, 2011 and tomorrow is my birthday...and i seriously think i am going to kill myself if my birthday is the day she dies. Since December i have visited her almost every day, even a couple of times a day.I brought anything she craved. I go there at lunch for about an hour and after 5pm, i try to go there for a couple more hours...even though we're currently experiencing "snowpocolypse".

My dad left when I was 9, and until I was 16 she was all I had...then she started being a jesus fanatic...seeing the devil, spending hundreds of dollars, from what modest resources we had, to buy trinkets from some psychic online...asking my friends to write on paper expecting them to be possessed by gods and angels and spit out prophetic script. She alienated everyone of my friends, everyone of her friends, everyone...showed up at my school with a duffel bag full of cold cuts and wanted to take me with her to go to Canada to flee some calamity that would soon befall us. She saw the devil, she would write that he is trying to rape her...in very vivid detail. While I was home alone one night she called the police, from work, saying there was an intruder in the apartment. So, after I found myself woken from bed, kissing the ground with my hands behind my back, she revealed that the intruder was a "Devil or Demon", trying to kill her or kill me. When I turned 18, I moved out and cut off all contact with her...I really didn't care about what happened to her. I think what really pissed me off was that since I was 9, she was like my soulmate, and then this mental illness befell her and I was left to deal with the day to day realities of bills, school, work, etc all alone.

Then, when I turned 23 I decided, having grown up, gotten a successful job, a stable life, that i would try and form some kind of relationship with her again. And for a while, it was good. She seemed to have toned down the fanaticism and we would have dinner a couple of nights a week, or I would take her shopping.

And now, end stage ovarian cancer is putting an end to everything. Every day that i go to see her she is rotting, she is being eaten from the inside out and she keeps asking when she will die. I feel guilty, i feel abandoned, i feel angry. I mostly feel angry because as an atheist, I think once you die, you rot. End of story. And I am so desperate for some kind of proof that some way, some how, her consciousness will exist after death...but i haven't found any yet. She talks to me in a different language. She doesn't know what day it is. Yesterday, I picked her up in my arms while the nurse was changing the bed, and she urged me to take her to the bathroom, but before she was able to sit down, she had wet herself. I cleaned up her swollen, dry legs and got her a change of underwear. I feel as though I can't let any of this register with me, because when i stop and analyze what is happening i just wanna die with her. It's gonna suck being an orphan.