Losing My Mother Soon

dupuis2387

So back at the end of December 2010 my mom's abdomen got swollen and she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She is 57 years old and I am 23 years old.

I am an only child. Tomorrow is my birthday and she is going to die within a couple of days. I have no other family and because of that I had to put her in a nursing home in hospice care. I work a 9am-5pm job at home and have a significant other...and as much as i feel guilty about it, I didn't want to have her move in with us.

It is february 2nd, 2011 and tomorrow is my birthday...and i seriously think i am going to kill myself if my birthday is the day she dies. Since December i have visited her almost every day, even a couple of times a day.I brought anything she craved. I go there at lunch for about an hour and after 5pm, i try to go there for a couple more hours...even though we're currently experiencing "snowpocolypse".

My dad left when I was 9, and until I was 16 she was all I had...then she started being a jesus fanatic...seeing the devil, spending hundreds of dollars, from what modest resources we had, to buy trinkets from some psychic online...asking my friends to write on paper expecting them to be possessed by gods and angels and spit out prophetic script. She alienated everyone of my friends, everyone of her friends, everyone...showed up at my school with a duffel bag full of cold cuts and wanted to take me with her to go to Canada to flee some calamity that would soon befall us. She saw the devil, she would write that he is trying to rape her...in very vivid detail. While I was home alone one night she called the police, from work, saying there was an intruder in the apartment. So, after I found myself woken from bed, kissing the ground with my hands behind my back, she revealed that the intruder was a "Devil or Demon", trying to kill her or kill me. When I turned 18, I moved out and cut off all contact with her...I really didn't care about what happened to her. I think what really pissed me off was that since I was 9, she was like my soulmate, and then this mental illness befell her and I was left to deal with the day to day realities of bills, school, work, etc all alone.

Then, when I turned 23 I decided, having grown up, gotten a successful job, a stable life, that i would try and form some kind of relationship with her again. And for a while, it was good. She seemed to have toned down the fanaticism and we would have dinner a couple of nights a week, or I would take her shopping.

And now, end stage ovarian cancer is putting an end to everything. Every day that i go to see her she is rotting, she is being eaten from the inside out and she keeps asking when she will die. I feel guilty, i feel abandoned, i feel angry. I mostly feel angry because as an atheist, I think once you die, you rot. End of story. And I am so desperate for some kind of proof that some way, some how, her consciousness will exist after death...but i haven't found any yet. She talks to me in a different language. She doesn't know what day it is. Yesterday, I picked her up in my arms while the nurse was changing the bed, and she urged me to take her to the bathroom, but before she was able to sit down, she had wet herself. I cleaned up her swollen, dry legs and got her a change of underwear. I feel as though I can't let any of this register with me, because when i stop and analyze what is happening i just wanna die with her. It's gonna suck being an orphan.

rubyslippers

Hi Dupuis.... I am so sorry
for what you are going through and what you are about to go through. Please do not have hatred towards your mum, Your mum did not choose this path and yes she is suffering. I honest believe their is a life after death, if you look at it in scientific way, our brain can not cease to excease as it is electrical power and that can not just die, it has to continue in some form. I lost my mum six months ago and she was only 61. yes I felt hatred towards everyone , especialy god, how dare he take my wonderful mum from me, and why did he, I still scream and shout at him, why and I shout I hope you are happy. My mum was and is the world to me I think you feel the same deep dowm. Im not telling you how to feel , only you can say how you feel. please dont judge your mum on her illness, this awful rotten disease has no rules it feeds on a pulse and its something that is really undescribable. I wish I could help you and please rant and rave as you see fit, we will be here for you and please dont forget that as this site as helped me and yes Im still so mad at everyone and peed of that my mum is not with me and that my heart is bleeding xxx

grandmafay

Hang on
Please hang on. Of course you are angry. Anger is a part of the grief process. You have already begun to grieve the time and life you expected to have. If there is such a thing as normal, your feelings are normal. It sounds like your mother suffers from some kind of mental illness. Try to forgive her. I'm not saying that is going to be easy. It's not, but forgiveness will help you. I, too, believe that there is life after death. I was raised by an atheist so I can understand where you are coming from, but have come to believe in God. Even if you don't believe that, your mother will still live in you. You are a good daughter. Your mother knows you love her. Forgive her and forgive yourself. Draw strenghth from your love. Please, if you are serious about hurting yourself, get help from your doctor, a counselor, or mental health department. You are important. Your life is precious. Don't even think of wasting it. Fay