Afraid the end is near for Dad

Dad had, at least, 7 seizures Sunday. When the nurse came on Monday to check on him again, she asked me if I had noticed the color of his legs. Now the splotchiness has gone all the way to mid chest. He's been so doped up on morphine and ativan he's only been up twice since Sunday at Noon, and both of those times hubby had to literally pick him up and set him on his walker. Said he needed to go pee....so we pushed and he couldn't (or didn't comprehend) pick up his feet. The nurse had to pick them up for him and then when he sat down, he immediately went back to sleep. It's sooooo sad to see him like this. They have changed his meds around and now he's getting more, more often. I just sent word to all of his family that if they wanna see him while he's still somewhat lucid, they should come. Otherwise, was just letting them know. He did do something this morning that cracked me up, and even got a tiny smile out of him. He was standing beside the hospital bed...just standing there. I told him he had to move his feet, so he wiggles his toes and said, very faintly, ok, i moved em. lolololololololol..................

For some reason, I thought I would be more emotional. Perhaps that will come later. All I can process now is: did i file the taxes...check, did i contact whomever or whatever...check. I certainly believe I'm on auto pilot. Also, am I the only one that thinks that no one can take care of a loved one as well as i can???? I think that's part of my problem asking for help....hell, if i gotta explain everything, i might as well do it myself. I'm sooo anal, and I got it from Dad...lol!

So, even though it's a sad time around here, I feel ok. I have just wanted this to be over for him for so long....he's really only existed since April. It's hard for me to explain to people that arent' taking care of someone that has cancer, that I don't want him to die, I just want it to be over with...the suffering, the pain, the not knowing who people are sometimes. (and the not knowing ppl has just been since sunday) it's cloudy and crappy here today so it' sets the mood just right.

holy cow, i ramble...lol. oh well, i know you guys understand!

cheri