Afraid the end is near for Dad

cher8871

Dad had, at least, 7 seizures Sunday. When the nurse came on Monday to check on him again, she asked me if I had noticed the color of his legs. Now the splotchiness has gone all the way to mid chest. He's been so doped up on morphine and ativan he's only been up twice since Sunday at Noon, and both of those times hubby had to literally pick him up and set him on his walker. Said he needed to go pee....so we pushed and he couldn't (or didn't comprehend) pick up his feet. The nurse had to pick them up for him and then when he sat down, he immediately went back to sleep. It's sooooo sad to see him like this. They have changed his meds around and now he's getting more, more often. I just sent word to all of his family that if they wanna see him while he's still somewhat lucid, they should come. Otherwise, was just letting them know. He did do something this morning that cracked me up, and even got a tiny smile out of him. He was standing beside the hospital bed...just standing there. I told him he had to move his feet, so he wiggles his toes and said, very faintly, ok, i moved em. lolololololololol..................

For some reason, I thought I would be more emotional. Perhaps that will come later. All I can process now is: did i file the taxes...check, did i contact whomever or whatever...check. I certainly believe I'm on auto pilot. Also, am I the only one that thinks that no one can take care of a loved one as well as i can???? I think that's part of my problem asking for help....hell, if i gotta explain everything, i might as well do it myself. I'm sooo anal, and I got it from Dad...lol!

So, even though it's a sad time around here, I feel ok. I have just wanted this to be over for him for so long....he's really only existed since April. It's hard for me to explain to people that arent' taking care of someone that has cancer, that I don't want him to die, I just want it to be over with...the suffering, the pain, the not knowing who people are sometimes. (and the not knowing ppl has just been since sunday) it's cloudy and crappy here today so it' sets the mood just right.

holy cow, i ramble...lol. oh well, i know you guys understand!

cheri

luz del lago

I understand
Cheri,
I didn't really know how I would act/react when the time came for my hubby. I had read on stages and symptoms of the end of life event, so maybe I thought I was prepared??? When my love's final days came, something came over me. I felt that I needed and could be there for all of his needs. And for the most part, I was. Only until his last day did having Hospice nurses around, was so beneficial for both of us. Their care and support allowed me to only concentrate on loving him, reading to him, napping next to him!

Perhaps it is an "instinct" that many are graced with. You are able to "keep it together" in order to accomplish an important task. After my love passed, I was able to release and grieve, and begin the baby steps of a life without him. Yes, I have had my moments!! But am so grateful that my "A" type personality came in handy at that time.

Best wishes for your father and family,

Lucy

hope0310

luz del lago said:

I understand
Cheri,
I didn't really know how I would act/react when the time came for my hubby. I had read on stages and symptoms of the end of life event, so maybe I thought I was prepared??? When my love's final days came, something came over me. I felt that I needed and could be there for all of his needs. And for the most part, I was. Only until his last day did having Hospice nurses around, was so beneficial for both of us. Their care and support allowed me to only concentrate on loving him, reading to him, napping next to him!

Perhaps it is an "instinct" that many are graced with. You are able to "keep it together" in order to accomplish an important task. After my love passed, I was able to release and grieve, and begin the baby steps of a life without him. Yes, I have had my moments!! But am so grateful that my "A" type personality came in handy at that time.

Best wishes for your father and family,

Lucy

Completely.....
Understand.

Enjoy this time as best you can, as odd as it sounds, it can be a peaceful relaxing time. I will forever cherish the 7 weeks I stopped working to spend at moms side. Not that I had too, b/c my stepdad and brother were there too......but it is where I needed to be and I will NEVER regret that for a moment!!

Lots love and hugs!!
Elysia