Wife wants to bail!

Helluva Deal
Hi Fasu, sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I was diagnosed about a year ago with about the same, BOT and spread to lymph nodes. I had three chemo sessions and 35 radiation treatments, and a later left side neck dissection. I drove myself to the chemos and radiations. For surgery you will have to have a ride to and from the hospital.

Call your local American Cancer Society for help. They can make rides available to you on days you might not feel like driving, and they can give advice for other mobility problems you might have by referring you to local services they don't offer.

It's a haul, but it's certainly been done by many before us. Come back here for advice, suggestions, and other help you might need.

best of luck to you, Hal

Tough Times
My friend it sounds like you are in for a struggle. You are going to be in a battle for your life and it is going to be very difficult. I could not have ever fought this battle without my wife, family and friends. In other words I had a strong support system around me. My wife was out of work for almost three months with me basically be my personal nurse. I could not imagine going through this on your own. I am now almost four years post treatment for pharyngeal cancer and am at this stage cancer free. I have so many side effects from the treatment that my wife still has to do many things for me. I just pray for you that you can get a support system around you before you begin this journey. I certainly hope you have a personal relationship with God and if you don't please remember it is not too late. My prayers are with you and God Bless

sportsman said:

Tough Times
My friend it sounds like you are in for a struggle. You are going to be in a battle for your life and it is going to be very difficult. I could not have ever fought this battle without my wife, family and friends. In other words I had a strong support system around me. My wife was out of work for almost three months with me basically be my personal nurse. I could not imagine going through this on your own. I am now almost four years post treatment for pharyngeal cancer and am at this stage cancer free. I have so many side effects from the treatment that my wife still has to do many things for me. I just pray for you that you can get a support system around you before you begin this journey. I certainly hope you have a personal relationship with God and if you don't please remember it is not too late. My prayers are with you and God Bless

It's Tough but Doable
Like Kent said, it's doable...you aren't the first on here with this same scenarion, and I'm sure you won't be the last. I know of at least one lady on here, actually two that pretty much went through this same scenario...they both made it, so can you.

Hopefully you do have family or friends that you can call upon, or perhaps church relationships as well...either way, you can do it..you have to do it.

Stay strong and you will prevail.

John

rozaroo said:

Fasu
I appreciate your honesty & truly feel for you. If your wife has said she is not willing to support you during your treatment & recovery then in my opinion I would not want here there.
What you will be going through is tough enough & you sure as hell don't need the added stress & feeling's of resentment around you. If you have family & friend's that are able & willing to help then reach out. Our treatment centre offered free transportation & councelling & for a short duration in home support nursing. Check out all of your resourses asap so that you are prepared. Talk to your team & they should be able to help with the right resourses. I know you can do this!
Best of luck
Roz

Worn out
Fasu,
I am sorry to hear of your diagnosis. It is a bad deal, but not necessarily one of the worst. If you stay on these boards you will hear many stories of this cancer and how it is fought. This message board can be the very thing that gets you through.
I am the caregiver of Mark (partner too). He was diagnosed Stage IV SCC left tonsil, HPV+ in April 2010. He had radical neck dissection, chemo and radiation, is now 6 months post treatment, and so far so good.
During the time of his surgery, treatment and initial recovery (I think recovery goes on for years, if not a life time) I had to put all of my needs that I shared with him, on hold. It truly was all about him. And I do not say that in a bad way; I say that in a realistic way. The focus was him. That does not mean I did not need support; but I got it from other places (this site was absolutely the best).
If your wife is worn out from 40 years of relational difficulties, I have to say I am with Roz, she is not the gal to have in your corner. She is being honest, even if it does seem cold. Sounds like she just doesn't have it to give. Better to have that information up front so you can secure your supports from other places.
You are about to embark on a journey that is rough. Best case scenerio, have someone along side of you, but others here have journied alone, and have reached the same destination.
Best Wishes to you,
Kim

Kent Cass said:

Fasu
What Kim said. If anyone knows the role/place of Caregiver, it is she.

Believe

kcass

Much love to you Kent.
Thank you. Such very kind words.
Kim

Kimba1505 said:

Worn out
Fasu,
I am sorry to hear of your diagnosis. It is a bad deal, but not necessarily one of the worst. If you stay on these boards you will hear many stories of this cancer and how it is fought. This message board can be the very thing that gets you through.
I am the caregiver of Mark (partner too). He was diagnosed Stage IV SCC left tonsil, HPV+ in April 2010. He had radical neck dissection, chemo and radiation, is now 6 months post treatment, and so far so good.
During the time of his surgery, treatment and initial recovery (I think recovery goes on for years, if not a life time) I had to put all of my needs that I shared with him, on hold. It truly was all about him. And I do not say that in a bad way; I say that in a realistic way. The focus was him. That does not mean I did not need support; but I got it from other places (this site was absolutely the best).
If your wife is worn out from 40 years of relational difficulties, I have to say I am with Roz, she is not the gal to have in your corner. She is being honest, even if it does seem cold. Sounds like she just doesn't have it to give. Better to have that information up front so you can secure your supports from other places.
You are about to embark on a journey that is rough. Best case scenerio, have someone along side of you, but others here have journied alone, and have reached the same destination.
Best Wishes to you,
Kim

Kim & Roz
While to me it is cold, I can definitely understand the point of view that you have both painted.

True, if she has given all that she can, it's definitely not in his best interest to try and just go through the motins, or to cause even more resentment. Those feeling would definitely spill over making trying to deal with all of his own physical and emotional challenges even worse.

While that is not me or how I would deal with it, I can see that it might be a better option for some.

Best,
John

I agree with the others
Fasu,

I agree with the others that have mentioned, that if your wife wants to bail at this time, it is better without her help. My only concern about this whole situation is that you mentioned that you would have to find another place to stay.

I wouldn't do that, do you both have equal share to your home? Find a different part of the house to stay. Your up coming journey will not be easy and finding another location to live is only going to cause you added stress, not to mention expense. Do you think you will be able to work while going thru all this? More then likely, you won't be able to.

Granted, maybe you and your wife have reached the end of the road with your partnership, but at least, you stay at the location you are familiar with. If she wants to bail that bad, let her make the move and leave. Both of you might be able to be civil while this is going on, which should take 6-8 months before you are feeling fairly good from the start of all your treatments.

You can do this on your own, several people here have done so. My wife was there for me, when I needed her. Not taking anything away from her, but I was able to do most everything myself other then to drive myself home after the Surgery. I took care of myself the whole time. I didn't want to put added pressure on her daily routine as she was working a full time job at the time. She dealt with the Insurance Companies that couldn't get things right. That was a huge help to me as, I was worn out from the treatments, my voice was only a whisper and had no patience with dumb clerks reading from a booklet whenever we called about their incorrect claims.

I hope things work out for you, My Best to You and Everyone Here

rozaroo said:

Kindness!
I believe in Thank you, repect & gratitude! I still express all to my hubby & I am 10
month's post treatment. One day I was angry at my husband & was so frustrated. I went to my
appointment & asked my nutristionist who was on my team if couples ever fought during treatment. She said it was part of the norm. I did not feel so bad after that. We both have strong personalities & are used to not backing down. The good thing that came out of all of this is, we both have a heck of a lot more patience with each other.

Hi fasu

I feel bad for you but Life is tuff sometimes on us all, must agree it is better for her to leave now then after treatment starts and then decide to leave . If you have children, brothers or sisters I would start talking to them and letting them know what you are up agents and that you will need there help. My wife and I have been together over 36 years and she was a great support to me all three times

Hoping you the best
Hondo

Hondo said:

Hi fasu

I feel bad for you but Life is tuff sometimes on us all, must agree it is better for her to leave now then after treatment starts and then decide to leave . If you have children, brothers or sisters I would start talking to them and letting them know what you are up agents and that you will need there help. My wife and I have been together over 36 years and she was a great support to me all three times

Hoping you the best
Hondo

fasu's last post
I read all the comments about fasu's wife leaving and it being better if he goes through treatment without someone 100% committed to seeing him through the fight: first of all, it seems to me no one remembers there is an adjustment period following a diagnosis of cancer, which can include a roller coaster of emotions, that happen not only for the person with cancer but for those around them, most especially a spouse. This is a partnership and deciding to support a previously non-supportive husband is not a given. We should have all advised him to allow her to adjust to the idea and come to terms with it. The diagnosis fasu was given is a tough one, very similar to what my husband received.

Secondly, while we might not like to believe it is true, cancer patients don't develop magically sweet personalities after diagnosis that carry them through treatment. Someone else on this board once said their true personalities simply become magnified: if they were a difficult person before, they are likely to become more difficult as treatment begins, continues and side effects set in. Fasu's wife may have seen him through an illness before and recognizes that this is going to be more than an uphill battle. This may make sense only to a caregiver.

Finally, I ask fasu to begin now recognizing his wife has made a commitment and begin expressing his appreciation. In this day of throw-away marriages, although I am sure she has not been perfect herself, she has for forty years opted to keep working on the marriage and has not discarded a commitment.

I commend her for being honest at a difficult time, recommend she visit the Caregivers site on this board so she will know she is not losing her sanity as things progress and hope she remembers, throughtout all this, she is still a person, not an appendage.

Fasu, congratulations on having an honest, though already tired, caregiver. She will not have an easy job and I, for one, hope you can already appreciate what she is giving you.

Best wishes on your treatment and recovery and on your marriage. All these things take a lot of work and I'm sure you can do it.

Noellesmom said:

fasu's last post
I read all the comments about fasu's wife leaving and it being better if he goes through treatment without someone 100% committed to seeing him through the fight: first of all, it seems to me no one remembers there is an adjustment period following a diagnosis of cancer, which can include a roller coaster of emotions, that happen not only for the person with cancer but for those around them, most especially a spouse. This is a partnership and deciding to support a previously non-supportive husband is not a given. We should have all advised him to allow her to adjust to the idea and come to terms with it. The diagnosis fasu was given is a tough one, very similar to what my husband received.

Secondly, while we might not like to believe it is true, cancer patients don't develop magically sweet personalities after diagnosis that carry them through treatment. Someone else on this board once said their true personalities simply become magnified: if they were a difficult person before, they are likely to become more difficult as treatment begins, continues and side effects set in. Fasu's wife may have seen him through an illness before and recognizes that this is going to be more than an uphill battle. This may make sense only to a caregiver.

Finally, I ask fasu to begin now recognizing his wife has made a commitment and begin expressing his appreciation. In this day of throw-away marriages, although I am sure she has not been perfect herself, she has for forty years opted to keep working on the marriage and has not discarded a commitment.

I commend her for being honest at a difficult time, recommend she visit the Caregivers site on this board so she will know she is not losing her sanity as things progress and hope she remembers, throughtout all this, she is still a person, not an appendage.

Fasu, congratulations on having an honest, though already tired, caregiver. She will not have an easy job and I, for one, hope you can already appreciate what she is giving you.

Best wishes on your treatment and recovery and on your marriage. All these things take a lot of work and I'm sure you can do it.

I absolutely agree with you Noellesmom.
I absolutely agree with you Noellesmom. Having seen what my mother went through with my father and his selfishness, none of us know what goes on behind closed doors. I'm sorry for Fasu I really am, but saying and doing are two different things. My father was a cheater, and a liar and at 71 he still is and he has lost everything and everyone. He has no one. My own father had surgery today by himself and not one person called to see how he was, including myself. Some people may think this is wrong but as I said before, no one knows what really happens behind closed doors. Just one more thing my father told his nurses I was dying of cancer and in hospice so they would feel sorry for him. Fasu, I hope you do change for your own sake, because you do not want to end up like my father. Alone, everyone you ever loved turned against you.