Wife wants to bail!

Options
fasu1948
fasu1948 Member Posts: 22
edited March 2014 in Head and Neck Cancer #1
I've been diagnosed with squamous cell carsinoma of my throat, tongue and lymph node area on my left side. Treatment is to begin shortly but my wife does not want to stay with me for it. She says I have been selfish to her our whole relationship ( 40 years), including infidelity, which to some degree is true; so, now she does not want to support me in this troubling time. I need help as to what to do to go through this alone. I will have to live alone somewhere and get assistance for my treatment. Can anybody give me advice?

Comments

  • Hal61
    Hal61 Member Posts: 655
    Options
    Helluva Deal
    Hi Fasu, sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I was diagnosed about a year ago with about the same, BOT and spread to lymph nodes. I had three chemo sessions and 35 radiation treatments, and a later left side neck dissection. I drove myself to the chemos and radiations. For surgery you will have to have a ride to and from the hospital.

    Call your local American Cancer Society for help. They can make rides available to you on days you might not feel like driving, and they can give advice for other mobility problems you might have by referring you to local services they don't offer.

    It's a haul, but it's certainly been done by many before us. Come back here for advice, suggestions, and other help you might need.

    best of luck to you, Hal
  • Skiffin16
    Skiffin16 Member Posts: 8,305 Member
    Options
    WOW, that's cold....
    It amazes me the things that people are capable of sometimes....

    I realize there is always two sides to every story, and I only hear yours. But I just can't conceive taking an opportunity such as this to bail.

    So sorry for your situation, no matter what has transpired in the past.

    As HAL said, it's rough but doable. Draw upon your own strength as much as you can, after all nobody can take care of you as well as you can.

    Take this opportunity to draw upon any friends and family that can provide company and assistance. Look at the facility that you are going for support groups and organizations.

    Stay positive and surrond yourself with positive people...

    Thoughts and prayers,
    John
  • sportsman
    sportsman Member Posts: 97
    Options
    Tough Times
    My friend it sounds like you are in for a struggle. You are going to be in a battle for your life and it is going to be very difficult. I could not have ever fought this battle without my wife, family and friends. In other words I had a strong support system around me. My wife was out of work for almost three months with me basically be my personal nurse. I could not imagine going through this on your own. I am now almost four years post treatment for pharyngeal cancer and am at this stage cancer free. I have so many side effects from the treatment that my wife still has to do many things for me. I just pray for you that you can get a support system around you before you begin this journey. I certainly hope you have a personal relationship with God and if you don't please remember it is not too late. My prayers are with you and God Bless
  • Kent Cass
    Kent Cass Member Posts: 1,898 Member
    Options
    sportsman said:

    Tough Times
    My friend it sounds like you are in for a struggle. You are going to be in a battle for your life and it is going to be very difficult. I could not have ever fought this battle without my wife, family and friends. In other words I had a strong support system around me. My wife was out of work for almost three months with me basically be my personal nurse. I could not imagine going through this on your own. I am now almost four years post treatment for pharyngeal cancer and am at this stage cancer free. I have so many side effects from the treatment that my wife still has to do many things for me. I just pray for you that you can get a support system around you before you begin this journey. I certainly hope you have a personal relationship with God and if you don't please remember it is not too late. My prayers are with you and God Bless

    Alone
    I pretty-much went thru my treatment alone at home, also, so it can be done. Keep in mind that your voice might take a hit, so you gotta get things lined-up so that it's not a factor. Tell your rad people, or the Onco folks, and they might know of a shuttle service that does the transport thing. I had two co-workers in Management drive me for four of my weeks, and drove the rest myself; however, I saw a van-like vehicle w/markings on numerous days dropping people off.

    Prior to starting, I stockpiled the essentials I'd need- from toiletries to 15 gallons of bottled water, etc., as well as medical supplies- like for both extemes of "regularity" and 3x3 gauze pads and a couple rolls of paper tape. Whatever you think you'll need over the next three months- get it before treatment starts.

    Like John said- "Cold." 40-years, and when you need her the most just to help you function...sorry to hear about it. You'll be okay, though, because you have to be. You obviously have a computer, and it's physically easy to operate, so that's one thing that'll help. Or get a book on a subject that interests you, and take your time reading it. Bible is a good read, also.

    kcass
  • Skiffin16
    Skiffin16 Member Posts: 8,305 Member
    Options
    sportsman said:

    Tough Times
    My friend it sounds like you are in for a struggle. You are going to be in a battle for your life and it is going to be very difficult. I could not have ever fought this battle without my wife, family and friends. In other words I had a strong support system around me. My wife was out of work for almost three months with me basically be my personal nurse. I could not imagine going through this on your own. I am now almost four years post treatment for pharyngeal cancer and am at this stage cancer free. I have so many side effects from the treatment that my wife still has to do many things for me. I just pray for you that you can get a support system around you before you begin this journey. I certainly hope you have a personal relationship with God and if you don't please remember it is not too late. My prayers are with you and God Bless

    It's Tough but Doable
    Like Kent said, it's doable...you aren't the first on here with this same scenarion, and I'm sure you won't be the last. I know of at least one lady on here, actually two that pretty much went through this same scenario...they both made it, so can you.

    Hopefully you do have family or friends that you can call upon, or perhaps church relationships as well...either way, you can do it..you have to do it.

    Stay strong and you will prevail.

    John
  • rozaroo
    rozaroo Member Posts: 665
    Options
    Skiffin16 said:

    It's Tough but Doable
    Like Kent said, it's doable...you aren't the first on here with this same scenarion, and I'm sure you won't be the last. I know of at least one lady on here, actually two that pretty much went through this same scenario...they both made it, so can you.

    Hopefully you do have family or friends that you can call upon, or perhaps church relationships as well...either way, you can do it..you have to do it.

    Stay strong and you will prevail.

    John

    Fasu
    I appreciate your honesty & truly feel for you. If your wife has said she is not willing to support you during your treatment & recovery then in my opinion I would not want here there.
    What you will be going through is tough enough & you sure as hell don't need the added stress & feeling's of resentment around you. If you have family & friend's that are able & willing to help then reach out. Our treatment centre offered free transportation & councelling & for a short duration in home support nursing. Check out all of your resourses asap so that you are prepared. Talk to your team & they should be able to help with the right resourses. I know you can do this!
    Best of luck
    Roz
  • Kimba1505
    Kimba1505 Member Posts: 557
    Options
    rozaroo said:

    Fasu
    I appreciate your honesty & truly feel for you. If your wife has said she is not willing to support you during your treatment & recovery then in my opinion I would not want here there.
    What you will be going through is tough enough & you sure as hell don't need the added stress & feeling's of resentment around you. If you have family & friend's that are able & willing to help then reach out. Our treatment centre offered free transportation & councelling & for a short duration in home support nursing. Check out all of your resourses asap so that you are prepared. Talk to your team & they should be able to help with the right resourses. I know you can do this!
    Best of luck
    Roz

    Worn out
    Fasu,
    I am sorry to hear of your diagnosis. It is a bad deal, but not necessarily one of the worst. If you stay on these boards you will hear many stories of this cancer and how it is fought. This message board can be the very thing that gets you through.
    I am the caregiver of Mark (partner too). He was diagnosed Stage IV SCC left tonsil, HPV+ in April 2010. He had radical neck dissection, chemo and radiation, is now 6 months post treatment, and so far so good.
    During the time of his surgery, treatment and initial recovery (I think recovery goes on for years, if not a life time) I had to put all of my needs that I shared with him, on hold. It truly was all about him. And I do not say that in a bad way; I say that in a realistic way. The focus was him. That does not mean I did not need support; but I got it from other places (this site was absolutely the best).
    If your wife is worn out from 40 years of relational difficulties, I have to say I am with Roz, she is not the gal to have in your corner. She is being honest, even if it does seem cold. Sounds like she just doesn't have it to give. Better to have that information up front so you can secure your supports from other places.
    You are about to embark on a journey that is rough. Best case scenerio, have someone along side of you, but others here have journied alone, and have reached the same destination.
    Best Wishes to you,
    Kim
  • Kent Cass
    Kent Cass Member Posts: 1,898 Member
    Options
    Kimba1505 said:

    Worn out
    Fasu,
    I am sorry to hear of your diagnosis. It is a bad deal, but not necessarily one of the worst. If you stay on these boards you will hear many stories of this cancer and how it is fought. This message board can be the very thing that gets you through.
    I am the caregiver of Mark (partner too). He was diagnosed Stage IV SCC left tonsil, HPV+ in April 2010. He had radical neck dissection, chemo and radiation, is now 6 months post treatment, and so far so good.
    During the time of his surgery, treatment and initial recovery (I think recovery goes on for years, if not a life time) I had to put all of my needs that I shared with him, on hold. It truly was all about him. And I do not say that in a bad way; I say that in a realistic way. The focus was him. That does not mean I did not need support; but I got it from other places (this site was absolutely the best).
    If your wife is worn out from 40 years of relational difficulties, I have to say I am with Roz, she is not the gal to have in your corner. She is being honest, even if it does seem cold. Sounds like she just doesn't have it to give. Better to have that information up front so you can secure your supports from other places.
    You are about to embark on a journey that is rough. Best case scenerio, have someone along side of you, but others here have journied alone, and have reached the same destination.
    Best Wishes to you,
    Kim

    Fasu
    What Kim said. If anyone knows the role/place of Caregiver, it is she.

    Believe

    kcass
  • Kimba1505
    Kimba1505 Member Posts: 557
    Options
    Kent Cass said:

    Fasu
    What Kim said. If anyone knows the role/place of Caregiver, it is she.

    Believe

    kcass

    Much love to you Kent.
    Thank you. Such very kind words.
    Kim
  • rozaroo
    rozaroo Member Posts: 665
    Options
    Kimba1505 said:

    Much love to you Kent.
    Thank you. Such very kind words.
    Kim

    Wel said Kent!
    Very true Kimba! My hubby was much like you,at times I wanted to kill him lol. He just ignored me!
  • Skiffin16
    Skiffin16 Member Posts: 8,305 Member
    Options
    Kimba1505 said:

    Worn out
    Fasu,
    I am sorry to hear of your diagnosis. It is a bad deal, but not necessarily one of the worst. If you stay on these boards you will hear many stories of this cancer and how it is fought. This message board can be the very thing that gets you through.
    I am the caregiver of Mark (partner too). He was diagnosed Stage IV SCC left tonsil, HPV+ in April 2010. He had radical neck dissection, chemo and radiation, is now 6 months post treatment, and so far so good.
    During the time of his surgery, treatment and initial recovery (I think recovery goes on for years, if not a life time) I had to put all of my needs that I shared with him, on hold. It truly was all about him. And I do not say that in a bad way; I say that in a realistic way. The focus was him. That does not mean I did not need support; but I got it from other places (this site was absolutely the best).
    If your wife is worn out from 40 years of relational difficulties, I have to say I am with Roz, she is not the gal to have in your corner. She is being honest, even if it does seem cold. Sounds like she just doesn't have it to give. Better to have that information up front so you can secure your supports from other places.
    You are about to embark on a journey that is rough. Best case scenerio, have someone along side of you, but others here have journied alone, and have reached the same destination.
    Best Wishes to you,
    Kim

    Kim & Roz
    While to me it is cold, I can definitely understand the point of view that you have both painted.

    True, if she has given all that she can, it's definitely not in his best interest to try and just go through the motins, or to cause even more resentment. Those feeling would definitely spill over making trying to deal with all of his own physical and emotional challenges even worse.

    While that is not me or how I would deal with it, I can see that it might be a better option for some.

    Best,
    John
  • sue5749
    sue5749 Member Posts: 170
    Options
    going it alone
    Just wanted to say that everyone should treat everyone with kindness not just going through this hard time (fighting cancer) say (THANK YOU} more often not just now fightingcancer but let the other person know that you appreciate every LITTLE thing the other person does for you! Even it you don't feel like saying THANK YOU do it any way! Just do it anyway. This is hard on the whole family
  • MarineE5
    MarineE5 Member Posts: 1,031 Member
    Options
    I agree with the others
    Fasu,

    I agree with the others that have mentioned, that if your wife wants to bail at this time, it is better without her help. My only concern about this whole situation is that you mentioned that you would have to find another place to stay.

    I wouldn't do that, do you both have equal share to your home? Find a different part of the house to stay. Your up coming journey will not be easy and finding another location to live is only going to cause you added stress, not to mention expense. Do you think you will be able to work while going thru all this? More then likely, you won't be able to.

    Granted, maybe you and your wife have reached the end of the road with your partnership, but at least, you stay at the location you are familiar with. If she wants to bail that bad, let her make the move and leave. Both of you might be able to be civil while this is going on, which should take 6-8 months before you are feeling fairly good from the start of all your treatments.

    You can do this on your own, several people here have done so. My wife was there for me, when I needed her. Not taking anything away from her, but I was able to do most everything myself other then to drive myself home after the Surgery. I took care of myself the whole time. I didn't want to put added pressure on her daily routine as she was working a full time job at the time. She dealt with the Insurance Companies that couldn't get things right. That was a huge help to me as, I was worn out from the treatments, my voice was only a whisper and had no patience with dumb clerks reading from a booklet whenever we called about their incorrect claims.

    I hope things work out for you, My Best to You and Everyone Here
  • rozaroo
    rozaroo Member Posts: 665
    Options
    MarineE5 said:

    I agree with the others
    Fasu,

    I agree with the others that have mentioned, that if your wife wants to bail at this time, it is better without her help. My only concern about this whole situation is that you mentioned that you would have to find another place to stay.

    I wouldn't do that, do you both have equal share to your home? Find a different part of the house to stay. Your up coming journey will not be easy and finding another location to live is only going to cause you added stress, not to mention expense. Do you think you will be able to work while going thru all this? More then likely, you won't be able to.

    Granted, maybe you and your wife have reached the end of the road with your partnership, but at least, you stay at the location you are familiar with. If she wants to bail that bad, let her make the move and leave. Both of you might be able to be civil while this is going on, which should take 6-8 months before you are feeling fairly good from the start of all your treatments.

    You can do this on your own, several people here have done so. My wife was there for me, when I needed her. Not taking anything away from her, but I was able to do most everything myself other then to drive myself home after the Surgery. I took care of myself the whole time. I didn't want to put added pressure on her daily routine as she was working a full time job at the time. She dealt with the Insurance Companies that couldn't get things right. That was a huge help to me as, I was worn out from the treatments, my voice was only a whisper and had no patience with dumb clerks reading from a booklet whenever we called about their incorrect claims.

    I hope things work out for you, My Best to You and Everyone Here

    Kindness!
    I believe in Thank you, repect & gratitude! I still express all to my hubby & I am 10
    month's post treatment. One day I was angry at my husband & was so frustrated. I went to my
    appointment & asked my nutristionist who was on my team if couples ever fought during treatment. She said it was part of the norm. I did not feel so bad after that. We both have strong personalities & are used to not backing down. The good thing that came out of all of this is, we both have a heck of a lot more patience with each other.
  • Hondo
    Hondo Member Posts: 6,636 Member
    Options
    rozaroo said:

    Kindness!
    I believe in Thank you, repect & gratitude! I still express all to my hubby & I am 10
    month's post treatment. One day I was angry at my husband & was so frustrated. I went to my
    appointment & asked my nutristionist who was on my team if couples ever fought during treatment. She said it was part of the norm. I did not feel so bad after that. We both have strong personalities & are used to not backing down. The good thing that came out of all of this is, we both have a heck of a lot more patience with each other.

    Hi fasu

    I feel bad for you but Life is tuff sometimes on us all, must agree it is better for her to leave now then after treatment starts and then decide to leave . If you have children, brothers or sisters I would start talking to them and letting them know what you are up agents and that you will need there help. My wife and I have been together over 36 years and she was a great support to me all three times

    Hoping you the best
    Hondo
  • fasu1948
    fasu1948 Member Posts: 22
    Options
    Kimba1505 said:

    Worn out
    Fasu,
    I am sorry to hear of your diagnosis. It is a bad deal, but not necessarily one of the worst. If you stay on these boards you will hear many stories of this cancer and how it is fought. This message board can be the very thing that gets you through.
    I am the caregiver of Mark (partner too). He was diagnosed Stage IV SCC left tonsil, HPV+ in April 2010. He had radical neck dissection, chemo and radiation, is now 6 months post treatment, and so far so good.
    During the time of his surgery, treatment and initial recovery (I think recovery goes on for years, if not a life time) I had to put all of my needs that I shared with him, on hold. It truly was all about him. And I do not say that in a bad way; I say that in a realistic way. The focus was him. That does not mean I did not need support; but I got it from other places (this site was absolutely the best).
    If your wife is worn out from 40 years of relational difficulties, I have to say I am with Roz, she is not the gal to have in your corner. She is being honest, even if it does seem cold. Sounds like she just doesn't have it to give. Better to have that information up front so you can secure your supports from other places.
    You are about to embark on a journey that is rough. Best case scenerio, have someone along side of you, but others here have journied alone, and have reached the same destination.
    Best Wishes to you,
    Kim

    We talked
    Hi, Kim. Thank you for those inspirational words. Believe it or not, my wife and I talked and she is going to stay with me, including sacrificing a month of her career. The one thing is she is worried about is that when I get through this, I will leave her or continue the activities I was before. I promised her that I will not but that I know I cannot go through this alone. I know I have to do all I can, especially at the beginning, that I show her thankfulness for being with me and supporting me. I pray for the strength to get through this and become a better husband and companion for my wife.
  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    Options
    Hondo said:

    Hi fasu

    I feel bad for you but Life is tuff sometimes on us all, must agree it is better for her to leave now then after treatment starts and then decide to leave . If you have children, brothers or sisters I would start talking to them and letting them know what you are up agents and that you will need there help. My wife and I have been together over 36 years and she was a great support to me all three times

    Hoping you the best
    Hondo

    fasu's last post
    I read all the comments about fasu's wife leaving and it being better if he goes through treatment without someone 100% committed to seeing him through the fight: first of all, it seems to me no one remembers there is an adjustment period following a diagnosis of cancer, which can include a roller coaster of emotions, that happen not only for the person with cancer but for those around them, most especially a spouse. This is a partnership and deciding to support a previously non-supportive husband is not a given. We should have all advised him to allow her to adjust to the idea and come to terms with it. The diagnosis fasu was given is a tough one, very similar to what my husband received.

    Secondly, while we might not like to believe it is true, cancer patients don't develop magically sweet personalities after diagnosis that carry them through treatment. Someone else on this board once said their true personalities simply become magnified: if they were a difficult person before, they are likely to become more difficult as treatment begins, continues and side effects set in. Fasu's wife may have seen him through an illness before and recognizes that this is going to be more than an uphill battle. This may make sense only to a caregiver.

    Finally, I ask fasu to begin now recognizing his wife has made a commitment and begin expressing his appreciation. In this day of throw-away marriages, although I am sure she has not been perfect herself, she has for forty years opted to keep working on the marriage and has not discarded a commitment.

    I commend her for being honest at a difficult time, recommend she visit the Caregivers site on this board so she will know she is not losing her sanity as things progress and hope she remembers, throughtout all this, she is still a person, not an appendage.

    Fasu, congratulations on having an honest, though already tired, caregiver. She will not have an easy job and I, for one, hope you can already appreciate what she is giving you.

    Best wishes on your treatment and recovery and on your marriage. All these things take a lot of work and I'm sure you can do it.
  • Kimba1505
    Kimba1505 Member Posts: 557
    Options
    fasu1948 said:

    We talked
    Hi, Kim. Thank you for those inspirational words. Believe it or not, my wife and I talked and she is going to stay with me, including sacrificing a month of her career. The one thing is she is worried about is that when I get through this, I will leave her or continue the activities I was before. I promised her that I will not but that I know I cannot go through this alone. I know I have to do all I can, especially at the beginning, that I show her thankfulness for being with me and supporting me. I pray for the strength to get through this and become a better husband and companion for my wife.

    Life Changing
    One thing I think everyone here will agree upon is that the diagnosis and treatment of cancer is life changing. You will hear us proclaim how much cancer sucks. No one will say that they didn't learn something tremendous from the process.
    Cancer and the treatment of cancer will give you the strange opportunity of examining yourself and your life. Your talk with your wife has already given you the opportunity to see how you can be a better husband. Sounds like she is worth fighting for. So fight.
    Kim
  • kingcole42005
    kingcole42005 Member Posts: 178
    Options

    fasu's last post
    I read all the comments about fasu's wife leaving and it being better if he goes through treatment without someone 100% committed to seeing him through the fight: first of all, it seems to me no one remembers there is an adjustment period following a diagnosis of cancer, which can include a roller coaster of emotions, that happen not only for the person with cancer but for those around them, most especially a spouse. This is a partnership and deciding to support a previously non-supportive husband is not a given. We should have all advised him to allow her to adjust to the idea and come to terms with it. The diagnosis fasu was given is a tough one, very similar to what my husband received.

    Secondly, while we might not like to believe it is true, cancer patients don't develop magically sweet personalities after diagnosis that carry them through treatment. Someone else on this board once said their true personalities simply become magnified: if they were a difficult person before, they are likely to become more difficult as treatment begins, continues and side effects set in. Fasu's wife may have seen him through an illness before and recognizes that this is going to be more than an uphill battle. This may make sense only to a caregiver.

    Finally, I ask fasu to begin now recognizing his wife has made a commitment and begin expressing his appreciation. In this day of throw-away marriages, although I am sure she has not been perfect herself, she has for forty years opted to keep working on the marriage and has not discarded a commitment.

    I commend her for being honest at a difficult time, recommend she visit the Caregivers site on this board so she will know she is not losing her sanity as things progress and hope she remembers, throughtout all this, she is still a person, not an appendage.

    Fasu, congratulations on having an honest, though already tired, caregiver. She will not have an easy job and I, for one, hope you can already appreciate what she is giving you.

    Best wishes on your treatment and recovery and on your marriage. All these things take a lot of work and I'm sure you can do it.

    I absolutely agree with you Noellesmom.
    I absolutely agree with you Noellesmom. Having seen what my mother went through with my father and his selfishness, none of us know what goes on behind closed doors. I'm sorry for Fasu I really am, but saying and doing are two different things. My father was a cheater, and a liar and at 71 he still is and he has lost everything and everyone. He has no one. My own father had surgery today by himself and not one person called to see how he was, including myself. Some people may think this is wrong but as I said before, no one knows what really happens behind closed doors. Just one more thing my father told his nurses I was dying of cancer and in hospice so they would feel sorry for him. Fasu, I hope you do change for your own sake, because you do not want to end up like my father. Alone, everyone you ever loved turned against you.