I am numb

I am numb from the news of our beloved Moopster.I still can't believe it.The human side of me wants to shrink away and act like it hasn't happened-I have never taken death well. I know that it is something that is going to happen to all of us,because I am a Christian and have a relationship with Jesus-I am not as frightened of death for myself,but I have never been able to handle someone close to me dying without trying to not let my feelings show too much about it and hiding my heart.
There have been some that have passed away here on this board while I have been a "member" here. I have felt very bad with every one,but I think because there may not have been a bigger"connection",it has always hit me hard because she has been a fellow pink sister,and there is that common bond where we all know what the other is going through,but I hadn't been left so numb as I am this time.
I told my husband about it today,and because he loves me and wants to "shield" me,he said"Maybe in the future it would be a good idea if you were not so close to these women-because this will happen again and your heart will be broken again."I did consider it for a few seconds,then I told him that there was no way that I could just keep you all at arm's length to save me from pain. I know that I havn't been "active" here for a long time-facebook has taken a lot of the time that I spend on the computer these days,though I do come here every once in a while.But no one understands this roller coaster like you all do,how could they?You are the FIRST site that I come to when I am scared about my mammogram coming up,or when I want to talk about things that others in my life don't want to talk about or are too afraid of or don't know what to say.
But I realize too that this board is more than that-it is full of friends who are close not just because of the breast cancer bond,but because they share their lives and are not afraid to care about each other.They are cultivating friendships! I am not good at being a friend. I care about people and love them very much and am always thinking about them,but I rarely ever call,write maybe about 5 letters in all a year,and send out an occasional email.That's where facebook comes in I guess-on there with your facebook friends you can all keep in touch just by looking at the "home" page. I know,as I am typing this I am feeling very shameful and lazy.
To have friends,you have to be one. Wish I could learn that lesson.I will try.
I will miss Moopy's sweet Southern voice. The last time I heard it was when I left a message on her's and Joe's answering machine the other night...