I'm going to scream

newlife2011 said:

Here is a "best friends" perspective.......
40 year old female, single mom of three teen girls. Stage IV, Grade 3, recurred after no sign of cancer for 9 months. 20% growth of existing cancer and three new spots of growth after three month check with PET scan.

I read these posts and feel as if I have become a "nothing" to my best friend. No one knows what a person goes through when they have breast cancer. Funny thing is, I have found myself to be dumbfounded, confused, hurt, angry, anxiety to the point of feeling like I am having a heart attack, oh yeah, and did I mention ANGRY!
I can't think of one thing I can do for her. At the age of 40, a single mom she is to three beautiful girls. We have been friends for 23 years and I don't know what to do for her?
I feel guilty, feeling pain from heartbreak at the thought of losing someone I have so many precious memories with because I couldn't possibly feel as much pain as her. I can no longer talk to her about my trivial issues at blending a family because they are no where near as big as what she is going through. I can't talk to her about how I feel because it is nothing compared to how she is feeling. I can't tell her what the fear does to me when I think about losing her. When I think about her girls.....
I am not with her daily so I don't know what is chemo brain (what was), shear fear or time to be concerned about this cancer growing in yet another new spot.
What am I supposed to be now? This cancer took from me the ability to laugh with her about the things we used to laugh about because those things are being stripped from her, and me. There is no more of her and I growing old together being the "single,fun, hot mamas" in the rocking chair on the front porch anymore. There is no going out to eat and cocktails anymore, both will make her feel like she just fed the "beast".......how can I contribute to what ails her?
All anyone , including myself can think of is try to keep things normal. How do you keep things normal when normal doesn't exist anymore. How can I feel like a best friend when that has been completely redefined for me with no instruction booklet?
What about that? Who am I supposed to be to her now without offending or hurting her or assisting her to feel that she is killing herself or jealous, envious,or angry that I still have my health. I stand a chance at seeing my daughter graduate high school...why do I feel I have to demise my own life to make her feel better?
Who am I supposed to be now?

Let me add....not only do I not know what to be for her.....but I have lost her before cancer took her. She was/is something to me too....in the midst of all my tragedy/drama in my life, this , this is the friend I ran too, we helped raise eachothers kids when our husbands decided they didnt want to anymore. We went back to school to better ourselves, helping eachother every step of the way.....and now. I don't know where to "run" anymore. Nothing in my life is big enough to compare to what she is going through....but I am going through something too....I just can't run to her anymore. Is it even fair to say....I am lost?

best friend
You are an incredible one! She is so lucky to have you. You are incredibly sensitive to her and her needs, putting yourself last. You are hurting because she is hurting and you have no clue how to help her. Did I get that correct?

My best friend went through Stage 3, double mastectomy 17 years ago. She had just moved 3 hours away, was living in a small apartment, and had a 2 year old and a 6 mo old. Man, was I scared. I didn't know what to do for her. So, I just called her. I went to visit her. I talked about whatever she wanted to talk about and did whatever she wanted to do. It was all about her, no me.

Today, she has been my strength through my own struggle with breast cancer. I lost all friends, family except husband, and children, and co-workers. She was it. And I thank God for her every day.

My heart goes out to you because I have been in your shoes. Pray for a miracle! Enjoy whatever time you have with her, but never stop praying for that view of growing old together and walking that Florida beach with one another. These are some of the conversations that held her and I together. You will never be the same. Cancer has changed you just as much as it changed me. It isn't fair. IT IS NOT FAIR. Please feel free to scream, and rant, and rave all that you want. We are here for you, also.

By the way, I'm going to post this to you and call my BBtripledub...Bestest Buddy in the Whole Wide World. Merry Christmas to you and God's blessings upon you and your friend.
Betsy

Betsy13 said:

best friend
You are an incredible one! She is so lucky to have you. You are incredibly sensitive to her and her needs, putting yourself last. You are hurting because she is hurting and you have no clue how to help her. Did I get that correct?

My best friend went through Stage 3, double mastectomy 17 years ago. She had just moved 3 hours away, was living in a small apartment, and had a 2 year old and a 6 mo old. Man, was I scared. I didn't know what to do for her. So, I just called her. I went to visit her. I talked about whatever she wanted to talk about and did whatever she wanted to do. It was all about her, no me.

Today, she has been my strength through my own struggle with breast cancer. I lost all friends, family except husband, and children, and co-workers. She was it. And I thank God for her every day.

My heart goes out to you because I have been in your shoes. Pray for a miracle! Enjoy whatever time you have with her, but never stop praying for that view of growing old together and walking that Florida beach with one another. These are some of the conversations that held her and I together. You will never be the same. Cancer has changed you just as much as it changed me. It isn't fair. IT IS NOT FAIR. Please feel free to scream, and rant, and rave all that you want. We are here for you, also.

By the way, I'm going to post this to you and call my BBtripledub...Bestest Buddy in the Whole Wide World. Merry Christmas to you and God's blessings upon you and your friend.
Betsy

I think you did
I think you have it right. I just find it hard to not view my posting here being a bit "selfish"....this is your support system and I felt like I may be intruding. I was there when she found the lump, I was there when she was diagnosed, I was there as they told her Stage I and then changed it to Stage IV....every corner was bad news....it got to the point where hope was merely a word. For over a year I tried to search out a support group for my side of her story with no luck...maybe that is a sign?
This sucks....this is harder than I even imagined. We used to depend on eachother for every little thing we called "bad"....and now....well not only has "bad" been redefined but this cancer makes it hard to say that anything in my life is hard, or 'bad'.
There was bad news ...again...and now she is scheduled for another PET on monday. Please say a prayer for her that the news is good. Lord knows she needs a bit of that right now...and around the holidays, we may even toy with the word "miracle"......
Thanks for your support and your compliment. I don't feel so "good" for her right now. With all the wonderful women on this site, I have many more ideas and they helped to stop my negative brain from it's pitfall and allowed me to get my wheels turning in a more positive way. Betsy, thank you for that too. It is amazing to me how you all go through your own personal hell and yet you put yourselves into a selfless position when someone else shows a great need. You are all just very sweet......

Merry Christmas and I wish God's Blessing on you over the New Year!!!

Heatherbelle said:

Yes -sometimes people with
Yes -sometimes people with even the best intentions dont realize what stupid crap they can say. I remember telling my best friend after my appt with the surgeon to find out my biopsy results, when I told her it was cancer. We cried for a minute, and later in the conversation she said "well, I guess if you have to have cancer, breast cancer isn't a bad one to have, because it's so treatable" - in her defense her mom (my aunt) is a lung cancer survivor & neither of us knew much about breast cancer in the beginning. But STILL!
I get irked now because since im done with treatment (other than 5 yrs of Tamoxifen) and surgeries that I'm supposed to jump right back to being my "normal" me, and I'm supposed to be happy that I'm cancer free. Of course I'm happy about that - but the happiness isn't quite enough to cancel out the fear that's constantly lurking in the back of my mind.
I'm glad we have this place where we can talk with others who understand exactly what the others are feeling
*hugs sisters*
Heather

People can often say
People can often say something that is totally ridiculous and even stupid. It happens. And, if someone hasn't had the diagnosis of bc and gone through all that we do, they will never understand.

I choose to not respond to idiot remarks and to just walk away, or, to say nothing.

A piece of cake has no place when speaking of bc.


Hugs to you,

Noel

newlife2011 said:

I think you did
I think you have it right. I just find it hard to not view my posting here being a bit "selfish"....this is your support system and I felt like I may be intruding. I was there when she found the lump, I was there when she was diagnosed, I was there as they told her Stage I and then changed it to Stage IV....every corner was bad news....it got to the point where hope was merely a word. For over a year I tried to search out a support group for my side of her story with no luck...maybe that is a sign?
This sucks....this is harder than I even imagined. We used to depend on eachother for every little thing we called "bad"....and now....well not only has "bad" been redefined but this cancer makes it hard to say that anything in my life is hard, or 'bad'.
There was bad news ...again...and now she is scheduled for another PET on monday. Please say a prayer for her that the news is good. Lord knows she needs a bit of that right now...and around the holidays, we may even toy with the word "miracle"......
Thanks for your support and your compliment. I don't feel so "good" for her right now. With all the wonderful women on this site, I have many more ideas and they helped to stop my negative brain from it's pitfall and allowed me to get my wheels turning in a more positive way. Betsy, thank you for that too. It is amazing to me how you all go through your own personal hell and yet you put yourselves into a selfless position when someone else shows a great need. You are all just very sweet......

Merry Christmas and I wish God's Blessing on you over the New Year!!!

called my BBtripleDub last night
and told her about you and what you were going through. She said the whole time she was going through it, she was scared she would die. Last night was the first time I ever knew she felt that way.

I don't know about anyone else on this board, but I am not finding you selfish, I am finding you very caring. I'd be delighted to e-mail back and forth if you would rather. Or facebook.

I have been looking for a support group close to home, you know the face-to-face group. Well, it's just not here and I have finally stopped looking. I have found my group. And they are right here!

Fortunately, or unfortunately, I guess it depends on how you look at it...I've been on both sides of the fence and neither is my choice. However, I wasn't given a choice. Oh, with my best friend I was given a choice. I could have been like everyone else and turned my back on her, but that was not an option. Life is what happens when you're doing something else.

My e-mail is brussell2008@live.com. Facebook is Betsy Russell in Kalamazoo, MI.

We NEED to support one another through good times and bad. This is worse than bad. We'll be praying for you and your best friend. Remember, sometimes you really have to look for the positive but they are there! No matter how small, find it and cling to it, then watch it grow! Believe in miracles. They happen every day!

Hang in there!
Betsy

Annette 11 said:

BC is never a piece of cake
BC is never a piece of cake or a walk in the park. People who have never gone through this will never know. Yes, it changes our lives forever. I hope your surgery goes well for you. I had a bilateral masectomy and chemo, it was very scary but very doable, all the tests before were scary, waiting for tests results was horrible. It is not easy to go through this so if someone makes light of what you have to endure tell them to take a hike. That's putting it mildly. I'm out of treatment now and I'm feeling very good,starting to do the things I was doing before I got sick. Time may soften our scars. Good luck with your surgery.
Hugs
Annette

It was nice to read whate
It was nice to read what you wrote; I will have a mastectomy next month and want to feel there is a light at the end of the rainbow. Thanks.

It's all a learning curve...
One of the things I learned this year (Dx was March 4th) is that people often THINK they're helping, when in reality, they're just p*ssing us off. It's going to happen plenty as you go through this--and as others have already said, come here to vent--we all understand! I often preface a conversation with "I know a lot of others have gone through a lot worse, but..." and when the person I'm talking to responds with "Uh, it doesn't matter how much worse others have had it, you still had cancer," I know that I'm talking to someone who's genuine. At least, that's been my experience.

Your relationships are going to change a bit--even the ones that have been your strongest/closest. And some people are going to surprise you with their amazing support while others will let you down. YOU have to be there FOR YOU. Once you have that, stuff like this rolls off a little easier.

Fwiw, I had a lumpectomy, 2 clear nodes, margin clearing before radiation, and 33 rounds of radiation. CAKE MY ARSE! It's something we have to deal with daily for the rest of our lives.

Hang in--and be strong! We're all behind you for support!

Findingout said:

It was nice to read whate
It was nice to read what you wrote; I will have a mastectomy next month and want to feel there is a light at the end of the rainbow. Thanks.

I haven't screamed, but,
I haven't screamed, but, probably should have. Like others have written, nothing about bc is a piece of cake. But, until they have walked in our shoes, they won't know.

It is great to have this place to vent, and, hope you are feeling better just by writing.


Take care,

Megan

pbrndm5 said:

Hello Kathy
My name is Denise. Thanks for asking. This board is a great place to talk to all of you about my fears etc. All of us are in the same boat and it's great to hear everyones different views. Thanks for all the words of encouragement. I have had many friends and relatives who are very supportive and understanding. They make up for the few who want to make me scream.

Kathy:
Thanks for comment..

ms.sunshine said:

I don't scream, I get quiet
I can't afford "a piece of cake" anymore. I've stopped talking to almost everyone about cancer, including my family. They don't want to hear it, and I don't want to hear the dumb comments. For what, so my feelings can be hurt. No thanks.

ms.sunshine
sorry you have to keep things to yourself...esp to your family. I dont' mention mine much to my family..but for no particular reason...you can vent here...of course...we all understand...

I must say I have not gotten any stupid comments other then one from my husband...I made a point to telling him just how studid...

I had surgery, radiation etc...when called back for follow up mammo said no biggie, then biopsy I said OH NO BIGGIE, then appt with surgeon, no worries...and one day my husband said you have to be more positive and think good thoughts...OMG...........I SAID I HAVE NOT MISSED A BEAT WITH FAMILY, WORKED FULL TIME, DIDNT' ASK ANYONE FOR ANYTHING..KEPT FAMILY GOING AS ALWAYS...i said you have no clue..
since then never a negative word or pep talk..

so once again sorry you can't vent but we'll listen..

with stupid comments about anything in life..I choose to just ignore them and go on..!