I lost my grip on 'Reality' a few days ago, and finding it 'DIFFICULT' to recover -- YIKES
It took all of 3 seconds, and I became unglued - unhinged and sobbed - uncontrollably right there standing in the hallway - for all to see - I didn't move, for what seemed like 2 hours .. I just lost it! Seriously .. seriously lost it .. Barb and Jen another Onc RN took me into our lounge, then into another part of Oncology .. put my head between my leg's -- I could not catch my breath, and I could NOT stop crying! My husband was called to come and pick me up ---I just could not 'get myself' together. This is extremely difficult for me to admit, as I like to consider myself in control and in charge - not Friday!
On our drive home, my face red with blotches, my eyes puffy - I decided that I will continue to help at St. Joseph's cancer center, maybe this time stuffing envelopes or making calls. I feel like such a failure.
Please do not think of this posting as narcissism, just a right of passage - as Friday .. was my day to grieve - for all our fallen 'HERO's, my sisters yet again, back on the battle fields - dealing with this beast AGAIN. .. I hate cancer and the destruction it bring with it.
Blissfully Ignorant, no longer -)
Vicki Sam
Comments
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Oh Vickie sam I am so sorry
Oh Vickie sam I am so sorry you had such a tough time!!! But if you were not a compassionate caring person this would not have happened. It is such a sad story and so unfair. I give you credit for doing this as I dont think I could have. Too close to home. You are not a failure you are a compassionate caring, dynamic person who helps everyone on this board.
I too want to help other cancer patients, but know I have to protect myself as well. I think I know this because I have had to play this game being a nurse. I though I might volunteer to drive people to treatments. This takes such a toll on us all. Perhaps it was too soon, and when you have some distance you can try again if you want to.0 -
Dear Vicki Sam
You have such a big and loving heart, it's no wonder that you were overwhelmed by the news about such a young and brave warrior losing her battle.
I know you already know that it's OK to "lose it" now and again. We've all either been there or will be there at some point. While we all want to focus on the positives, cancer is just an ugly beast and sometimes seeing its face full on is just too scary and sad for us to bear.
Know that you are never alone, even in your saddest times, and feel our arms holding you up until you regain your strength.
(((HUGE HUGS)))
Cindy0 -
Oh Vickie sam I am so sorry
Oh Vickie sam I am so sorry you had such a tough time!!! But if you were not a compassionate caring person this would not have happened. It is such a sad story and so unfair. I give you credit for doing this as I dont think I could have. Too close to home. You are not a failure you are a compassionate caring, dynamic person who helps everyone on this board.
I too want to help other cancer patients, but know I have to protect myself as well. I think I know this because I have had to play this game being a nurse. I though I might volunteer to drive people to treatments. This takes such a toll on us all. Perhaps it was too soon, and when you have some distance you can try again if you want to.
cancer sucks, no better word for it.0 -
Vicki, you are a very
Vicki, you are a very sensitive, caring and loving person. I applaud you for fulfilling one of your wishes and that was to volunteer at your cancer center. I think this beast hits closer to home when it takes someone we grew to know and care about. I'm so sorry about that beautiful young lady, Rachel. It just doesn't seem fair, does it? And, the sad fact is that is isn't fair!! You are not a failure in my eyes, rather a very strong warrior that has overcome the beast and is trying to give back. You, too, are only human! Thank you for taking the time to make someone's day a little brighter. I know for a fact that you accomplished that!!0 -
I am sendingMyTurnNow said:Vicki, you are a very
Vicki, you are a very sensitive, caring and loving person. I applaud you for fulfilling one of your wishes and that was to volunteer at your cancer center. I think this beast hits closer to home when it takes someone we grew to know and care about. I'm so sorry about that beautiful young lady, Rachel. It just doesn't seem fair, does it? And, the sad fact is that is isn't fair!! You are not a failure in my eyes, rather a very strong warrior that has overcome the beast and is trying to give back. You, too, are only human! Thank you for taking the time to make someone's day a little brighter. I know for a fact that you accomplished that!!
you the biggest hug that I have today Vicki! I only wish that there was more that I could do to help you. Is there?
Cancer is ugly and so unfair! I pray daily that somehow a cure will be found and that there will be no need for a board like this and that no one will ever have to suffer with a diagnosis of cancer.
I have a close girlfriend that is battling with mets to her bones and I always try to stay so positive for her and help her in anyway that I can. She is really having a rough time with the chemo and it is wearing her down. A smile is always on my face when I am with her, but, tears flow when I leave her.
You are so generous to volunteer at your Oncology center. Just think of all of the people that you are helping with your kindness. I admire sisters like you that do this. I wish that I could, and, maybe someday I will. I just don't think I could handle it now.
I am so sorry for the loss of Rachel. It is never easy to know or read of someone losing their battle to the beast.
Please know that I am sending you prayers and also to Rachel and her family.
You continue to be the warm and wonderful sister that you are.
Don't let cancer change you...You change cancer by kicking it's a@@ to the curb!
Sue
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I'm Sorry
you went through what you did. But obviously you were holding onto a lot of feelings. I'm sure you were grieving not only the lost of a friend, but your situation as well. It's common.
I was a volunteer for several years at a cancer support group. After losing several people, I
became unglued myself. My oncologist warned me that this a risk of staying around after you've become a survivor. It doesn't get any easier. He suggested I take a step back for awhile. It was good advice!
So....stuffing envelopes and making calls may be a better fit for you at the moment!
Blessings,
Sally0 -
Vicki--that day just showed your human-nesslynn1950 said:Oh Vicki, As I read your
Oh Vicki, As I read your post I am finding it hard not to cry for you and for Rachel and for all of us. I hate cancer, too. You are a blessing to the people you serve, no matter what capacity. xoxoxo Lynn
and what a caring, compassionate person you are. You are not a robot or a machine. Stories like what happened to Rachel seem so unfair and just wrong. You will find what is the right thing for you to do. And, you are sooo not a failure--you are a triumph!
Hugs, Renee0 -
Dear Vicki Sam,
Dear Vicki Sam,
I am so sorry for what you have been through. You are the most caring giving lady. You have helped so many of us you don't ever know the half of it. We all love you and feel your pain. I wish I could take it away for you. I hope you can find comfort in knowing that this young lady is now the most beautiful guardian angel for some one else. I bet she has smiled down on you also. I believe you my dear are a angel your self.
Please take care. And don't forget your very large family. We are here for you anytime. Kay0 -
Thanks everyone for your kind words .. and given me thesmalldoggroomer said:Dear Vicki Sam,
Dear Vicki Sam,
I am so sorry for what you have been through. You are the most caring giving lady. You have helped so many of us you don't ever know the half of it. We all love you and feel your pain. I wish I could take it away for you. I hope you can find comfort in knowing that this young lady is now the most beautiful guardian angel for some one else. I bet she has smiled down on you also. I believe you my dear are a angel your self.
Please take care. And don't forget your very large family. We are here for you anytime. Kay
encouragement -- that I need. I think taking a step back for a few months and allowing myself to heal - is a great idea. I can continue working with Onc staff - volunteering in other ways.
Vicki Sam0 -
To become a support volunteer for ACS....
You must be at least 1 year past any treatment....this is for the protection of YOU, the volunteer....in retrospect, it makes great sense...
It becomes real the first time you must say goodbye to someone you have been supporting. I remember my first, he was a brain cancer warrior, and it messed me up so badly that I enrolled in a grief seminar, just to cope....
I went on to support others whom I have said my goodbye's to, but Carl will always bring tears to my eyes...I learned to keep a tiny, tiny bit of distance from MY experience and theirs....I attended his memorial service, and stood and said "I always thought that I was supporting him thru his journey. Turns out, he was supporting me, as well!" I carry a picture of him to this day...
Oh, dear soul, my heart hurts for you....we NEED to have coffee!!!!!
Please call me, you have the number!!!
Hugs, Kathi0 -
I am so sorry for the loss
I am so sorry for the loss of another pink sister and for the pain you feel as well.
After my first diagnosis in 2001, I volunteered at the hospital in the mammography/x-ray dept. I tried to be caring and compassionate to all whether they were coming in for regular mammos, call backs, ultrasounds, whatever. I hope in time it will be easier for you and all of us. We who have been there really understand your grief and commend you for giving back.
Take good care of yourself. Marilyn0 -
Oh Vick, please don't think
Oh Vick, please don't think you're a failure. How could you NOT have felt what you did. I feel the rage rise in me everytime someone I knows gets cancer or has a recurrence or passes away. It's gut wrenching, I know. My heart goes out to you for the pain you're feeling. Wish I could make it all go away. I can't but I can send you tons of cyber hugs, big cyber hugs, gigantic cyber hugs...just to see a little smile
hugs
jan0 -
Ohhh Vicki Sam, I'm so sorrymarilyndbk said:I am so sorry for the loss
I am so sorry for the loss of another pink sister and for the pain you feel as well.
After my first diagnosis in 2001, I volunteered at the hospital in the mammography/x-ray dept. I tried to be caring and compassionate to all whether they were coming in for regular mammos, call backs, ultrasounds, whatever. I hope in time it will be easier for you and all of us. We who have been there really understand your grief and commend you for giving back.
Take good care of yourself. Marilyn
Ohhh Vicki Sam, I'm so sorry for your loss. You were right, you need to grieve and when you cry like that it's coming out. Take some time to be good to yourself.
Sher0 -
Hi
How wonderfully brave and generous of you to donate your time to help others with your understanding and experience. A lot of women wouldn't be able to do that for a variety of reasons. You have a big heart. And along with that big heart comes big heartbreaks sometimes. Keep up the good work, little things can mean so much to patients and their caregivers, a smile, a cup of coffee, a blanket.. and cupcakes don't forget those cupcakes.. they are medicinal.0 -
Didn't Loose Your Grip
VickiSam, I don't think you lost your grip on reality, you were just faced with reality and one that most of us probably don't want to face. I think you were so brave to voluntter as you did and maybe that just wasn't the perfect way for you to volunteer right now - doesn't mean you can't do it at a later date. There are other things you can do to help right now.
I knew from the start that a support group or volunteering was maybe not for me because if someone in the group didn't make it, it would be devestating for me - for the same reason it took me a while to even post here. This past summer a friend lost the battle - she made it 10 years and then ? blood work led to a dx of Stage 4. She did fight for 5 years after her recurrance but now every time I have blood work I wonder if this will be it for me.
So, I applaud you efforts and please don't feel like a failure. We can only do what we can on any stage of the journey we happen to be on. For what it's worth, I think you did great.
Hugs, Sally0 -
I was at the gym today andMiss Murphy said:Didn't Loose Your Grip
VickiSam, I don't think you lost your grip on reality, you were just faced with reality and one that most of us probably don't want to face. I think you were so brave to voluntter as you did and maybe that just wasn't the perfect way for you to volunteer right now - doesn't mean you can't do it at a later date. There are other things you can do to help right now.
I knew from the start that a support group or volunteering was maybe not for me because if someone in the group didn't make it, it would be devestating for me - for the same reason it took me a while to even post here. This past summer a friend lost the battle - she made it 10 years and then ? blood work led to a dx of Stage 4. She did fight for 5 years after her recurrance but now every time I have blood work I wonder if this will be it for me.
So, I applaud you efforts and please don't feel like a failure. We can only do what we can on any stage of the journey we happen to be on. For what it's worth, I think you did great.
Hugs, Sally
I was at the gym today and my Ipod played I Run by melissa Etheridge, I run for hope...for your sister your mother your wife, I run for life. it also says they cant cut your soul. I thought of all my sisters and gave you all a collective hug. I love you all and the difference you make. I hope you felt it.0 -
Vickie Sam,Miss Murphy said:Didn't Loose Your Grip
VickiSam, I don't think you lost your grip on reality, you were just faced with reality and one that most of us probably don't want to face. I think you were so brave to voluntter as you did and maybe that just wasn't the perfect way for you to volunteer right now - doesn't mean you can't do it at a later date. There are other things you can do to help right now.
I knew from the start that a support group or volunteering was maybe not for me because if someone in the group didn't make it, it would be devestating for me - for the same reason it took me a while to even post here. This past summer a friend lost the battle - she made it 10 years and then ? blood work led to a dx of Stage 4. She did fight for 5 years after her recurrance but now every time I have blood work I wonder if this will be it for me.
So, I applaud you efforts and please don't feel like a failure. We can only do what we can on any stage of the journey we happen to be on. For what it's worth, I think you did great.
Hugs, Sally
You are not a
Vickie Sam,
You are not a failure. You are compassionate and caring. Strength does not weaken with tears, it is tempered by them. You felt more than just this loss, you felt the loss of all those that lose their battles to cancer. I am glad you are going to return and are choosing to do other work there right now. There will come a time when you may be ready to return to to the floor. Any work you do that helps in this battle is worthwhile and needed.
Sometimes our grief comes on us in ways and with an intensity we cannot fathom. I don't remember my mom ever crying in front of us when my father died. I know that she was also what was called stoic. Years and years later, she was with me at the funeral of my grandmother in law and when she went up to my grand father in law, she hugged him and started to cry. She and he talked at the house after the funeral and she and he seemed to comfort each other. She told me later that she just felt his loss so deeply and she was crying all the tears that she hadn't let come when my father died. Holding in emotions can be harder for us than letting them flow. These tears needed to come and no one thinks the less of you for shedding them. In fact, I find your caring, loving nature very wonderful. You are a special, special lady.
Stef0 -
bless youfauxma said:Vickie Sam,
You are not a
Vickie Sam,
You are not a failure. You are compassionate and caring. Strength does not weaken with tears, it is tempered by them. You felt more than just this loss, you felt the loss of all those that lose their battles to cancer. I am glad you are going to return and are choosing to do other work there right now. There will come a time when you may be ready to return to to the floor. Any work you do that helps in this battle is worthwhile and needed.
Sometimes our grief comes on us in ways and with an intensity we cannot fathom. I don't remember my mom ever crying in front of us when my father died. I know that she was also what was called stoic. Years and years later, she was with me at the funeral of my grandmother in law and when she went up to my grand father in law, she hugged him and started to cry. She and he talked at the house after the funeral and she and he seemed to comfort each other. She told me later that she just felt his loss so deeply and she was crying all the tears that she hadn't let come when my father died. Holding in emotions can be harder for us than letting them flow. These tears needed to come and no one thinks the less of you for shedding them. In fact, I find your caring, loving nature very wonderful. You are a special, special lady.
Stef
Vickisam, bless you for what you were trying to do to help. I hope you're able to return to it soon. But I must disagree with your statement that you "lost your grip on reality". Those words need to be turned around to say that "reality got a grip on you". Thank heaven there are so many good stories nowadays about surviving cancer. But I think the reality of how many lose this battle is undermined by those "success" stories. Those with unhappy endings need to be heard too. (Lest we forget)
God bless us all.
Marsha0
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