update on Diana and I

Hi everyone, I just was reading this website as I have remained doing and just wanted to give an update. We have started with a new grief counselor that comes to our house weekly along with going back to our original therapist that we saw since the beginning of Ed's cancer. We are also joing a group grief meeting with Hospice., so as you can see, we are seeking out help from every direction. We are doing ok, alot of sad moments, sad days, but doing ok.
One thing I learned from the grief counselor on our first visit was Diana and I have very different problems, her losing her dad, me losing my husband along with both of us losing my mother as well. Diana does not have the madness that I have left over from Eddie, which I understand, he did not treat her the same as I and I'm grateful for that. I thought I was over my madness but no in fact, he has come back a month after he died. I think, in part, is due to the fact that he bullied me terribly throughout that motorcycle deal and it was just so painful for me to be treated that way. Ed had never, never treated me with such crap in our 25 year marriage, so I guess I am just trying to come to grips as to why he was so mean to me. William, I think of you so often and what you had said to me for the past year regarding our relationship. I am struggling everyday William trying to deal with this head stuff that my dear Ed has left me. You told me that this would happen. I am also having a difficult time reaching for the phone to talk to my mother who is not hear. I cannot express how much I miss her and miss the old Ed. It is truly a daily struggle. We go out everday, we get dressed, put our shoes on and make that effort to get out of this house which I think is good for both of us. The upcoming holidays are on my mind heavily but I am also trying to deal with that. I miss my old husband, the man that I spent my life with, having dinner together, our nightly coffee and desert, my best friend. I am trying not to think about the past year, I am trying to go back further on when Ed did not have cancer and our lives were normal. We visit his grave most days since he is buried on the same street as we live on, good and bad with that, but that is where Ed wanted to be buried. I have yet cried at his grave and when I go visit my mom's grave, I cannot stop crying, I leave within five minutes.
Trying to figure out why this is happening. Going through alot of head stuff as you can see.
Diana is doing well, going through her own stuff, some she shares, others she don't. I thank God everyday that we have each other.
I have continued to read this website and are following many stories on it. When I feel stronger, I will start posting to some of these people that I do believe I can help.
Just wanted to say "hi" and let you all know we are hanging in there.

love always,

linda