update on Diana and I

lindadanis

Hi everyone, I just was reading this website as I have remained doing and just wanted to give an update. We have started with a new grief counselor that comes to our house weekly along with going back to our original therapist that we saw since the beginning of Ed's cancer. We are also joing a group grief meeting with Hospice., so as you can see, we are seeking out help from every direction. We are doing ok, alot of sad moments, sad days, but doing ok.
One thing I learned from the grief counselor on our first visit was Diana and I have very different problems, her losing her dad, me losing my husband along with both of us losing my mother as well. Diana does not have the madness that I have left over from Eddie, which I understand, he did not treat her the same as I and I'm grateful for that. I thought I was over my madness but no in fact, he has come back a month after he died. I think, in part, is due to the fact that he bullied me terribly throughout that motorcycle deal and it was just so painful for me to be treated that way. Ed had never, never treated me with such crap in our 25 year marriage, so I guess I am just trying to come to grips as to why he was so mean to me. William, I think of you so often and what you had said to me for the past year regarding our relationship. I am struggling everyday William trying to deal with this head stuff that my dear Ed has left me. You told me that this would happen. I am also having a difficult time reaching for the phone to talk to my mother who is not hear. I cannot express how much I miss her and miss the old Ed. It is truly a daily struggle. We go out everday, we get dressed, put our shoes on and make that effort to get out of this house which I think is good for both of us. The upcoming holidays are on my mind heavily but I am also trying to deal with that. I miss my old husband, the man that I spent my life with, having dinner together, our nightly coffee and desert, my best friend. I am trying not to think about the past year, I am trying to go back further on when Ed did not have cancer and our lives were normal. We visit his grave most days since he is buried on the same street as we live on, good and bad with that, but that is where Ed wanted to be buried. I have yet cried at his grave and when I go visit my mom's grave, I cannot stop crying, I leave within five minutes.
Trying to figure out why this is happening. Going through alot of head stuff as you can see.
Diana is doing well, going through her own stuff, some she shares, others she don't. I thank God everyday that we have each other.
I have continued to read this website and are following many stories on it. When I feel stronger, I will start posting to some of these people that I do believe I can help.
Just wanted to say "hi" and let you all know we are hanging in there.

love always,

linda

mrsbotch

you are remarkable.
I must go back and read all the pages of what you and Ed and your mom and Diana have faced. Just reading this e-mail I realize that so many of us deal with such unbelievable emotions with this horrible cancer. It takes a terrible toll on all of us.
I look in the mirror and know I have aged so much trying to fight this Beast with my poor husband. They must find a cure or at least something that works long term for people with cancer. The uncertainty is awful.
Sherri(bailey1459) is a remarabble lady. I know in my heart she suffers terribly. Its too bad we all didn't live closer so that we could all meet. Maybe in the future we should plan a weekend just for us caregivers to meet and talk. I really think that would be so hekpful and cleansing for all of us. NO ONE understands except someone who has been there.
Take care of yourself and Diana and know we are all here for you

Barb

Tina Blondek

Hello Linda and Diana
Thank
Hello Linda and Diana
Thank you for your recent update! Always so nice to hear from you. I am glad to hear that you are both reaching out for help. It will prove to be helpful. Keep up the good work. You are both in my thoughts and prayers.
Tina in Va

Unknown

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lindadanis

unknown said:

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thanks again my friend
Hello William, I just read your post to my posting and thanks again my friend for your kind words. yes, It has been quite the struggle to say the least. I go to my mom's grave and cry like a baby, cannot stay more than five minutes, on the other hand, I go to Ed's almost daily and never have cried. William, why do you think this is happening? I have talked to my grief counselor about this and she says maybe I'm doing the crying for both at my mom's gravesite. I am very confused. I am very sad these days, I feel like a hat has been taken off my head and I am coming out of a fog. It is a very strange feeling indeed. I know losing two people, the two biggest people in my life within nine days of eachother is tough, I realize all of that,., my grieving for my mom is so very different from my husband. I seem to get the two caught up together all the time. there is never a thought in my mind that they are not together, very confusing for me at times. I believe this is because they both left me so close together, I am still trying to figure out what happened when, first, etc., etc., very odd feeling. Diana and I are doing about the same, she is very quiet about all of it which sometimes bothers me, but in one way William, I think she is doing better than I am. Is it because of how Ed treated me the last year of his life and not her?
I miss him dearly, I miss everything about my life. I miss eating dinner with him, watching tv, talking, he was my best friend for over 27 years, I miss talking to my mom about him, I am sometime mad at her for leaving me so close to him., isn't that odd??

I am trying to rid my bitterness, it is a battle, a daily battle, but I am slowly doing it William. I know that time will heal, it has only been not even two months. I am not doing as well as I expected, however, I believe that I put alot on myself, I think of both of them constantly and some days are definately better than others.
You were there right from the beginning, you know what I went through. I am trying to seel the bike but with no bites on it yet. It is a bad memory sitting in that garage.
I read this website alot and feel so bad for all those people who have passed away since Ed.
I cannot seem to respond to them right now, it is still too painful for me., but I hope they all know that I am reading all their posts and praying for all of them. This cancer is horrible to the patient but also to their families.

I will always read what you write to me William, I consider you a dear friend of mine.
Thank you so much for writing and thinking about us. I will stay in touch.
Love,

Linda

LivingFaith

lindadanis said:

thanks again my friend
Hello William, I just read your post to my posting and thanks again my friend for your kind words. yes, It has been quite the struggle to say the least. I go to my mom's grave and cry like a baby, cannot stay more than five minutes, on the other hand, I go to Ed's almost daily and never have cried. William, why do you think this is happening? I have talked to my grief counselor about this and she says maybe I'm doing the crying for both at my mom's gravesite. I am very confused. I am very sad these days, I feel like a hat has been taken off my head and I am coming out of a fog. It is a very strange feeling indeed. I know losing two people, the two biggest people in my life within nine days of eachother is tough, I realize all of that,., my grieving for my mom is so very different from my husband. I seem to get the two caught up together all the time. there is never a thought in my mind that they are not together, very confusing for me at times. I believe this is because they both left me so close together, I am still trying to figure out what happened when, first, etc., etc., very odd feeling. Diana and I are doing about the same, she is very quiet about all of it which sometimes bothers me, but in one way William, I think she is doing better than I am. Is it because of how Ed treated me the last year of his life and not her?
I miss him dearly, I miss everything about my life. I miss eating dinner with him, watching tv, talking, he was my best friend for over 27 years, I miss talking to my mom about him, I am sometime mad at her for leaving me so close to him., isn't that odd??

I am trying to rid my bitterness, it is a battle, a daily battle, but I am slowly doing it William. I know that time will heal, it has only been not even two months. I am not doing as well as I expected, however, I believe that I put alot on myself, I think of both of them constantly and some days are definately better than others.
You were there right from the beginning, you know what I went through. I am trying to seel the bike but with no bites on it yet. It is a bad memory sitting in that garage.
I read this website alot and feel so bad for all those people who have passed away since Ed.
I cannot seem to respond to them right now, it is still too painful for me., but I hope they all know that I am reading all their posts and praying for all of them. This cancer is horrible to the patient but also to their families.

I will always read what you write to me William, I consider you a dear friend of mine.
Thank you so much for writing and thinking about us. I will stay in touch.
Love,

Linda

Linda,
You are a strong,
Linda,

You are a strong, brave woman that has just experienced the roller coaster from hell. Being angry is a natural part of grieving so be gentle with yourself. From reading your posts, I think you can be very proud of how you cared for your dear Ed under the most difficult of times.

I don't know how we ever get over missing our loved ones that pass away.

Take Care,

Deb