My wandering mind and rambling fingers...

It's getting late and the house has been quite for about 3 hours now, everyone including the dog is asleep, except me as usual. The TV is turned on low, can't really concentrate on any one show, so it's just background noise. My mind keeps wandering and zeroing on this nasty entity that bedevils me!!

I was first diagnosised with PPC in April of this year and had 6 rounds of carbo/toxil only to find out that I am platinum resistant (figures) and of course my CA125 has risen from 220 to 290. Of course after reading what some ladies have endured, this is just a small whine so please bear with me. I am finding that I have no where to vent out loud and really have had no place to really grieve the lose of that grand hope that the carbo was going to fix it all.
My fiance has been great thru all of my trials and tribulations so far, but he cannot handle too much discussion about all of this. He breaks down quickly and I end up comforting him, when I really would rather be on the receiving end of the comforting instead of the other way around. When we found out about the carbo my oncogolist sent me back to the gyn/oncologist who did not have anything supportive to add to my week, when she so calmly informed me that she only sees a one to two year survival in patients such as myself who are platinum resistant.

Now I'm sorry but that is NOT an acceptable answer! She did tell me I was a perfect candidate for a clinical trial she was running and did I want to think about it and try it. So given the fact that I could either try the clincal trial or go on Doxil (at first I thought my onc said it was an older drug and not as effective) I jumped at the chance to participate in the trial only to find out oh wait you're almost a perfect match for this, but you didn't have the debulking surgery. Oh and you can't have the debulking surgery because you have fluid in your lungs and the carbo didn't work. Okay......

Well needless to say I was one very depressed puppy. I couldn't cry in front of my fiance, his mother lives with us and her nerves are just as bad, if not worse, as his so I couldn't cry there either. I finally pulled myself up by the boot straps and decided to get my butt in gear and go for the doxil, so last Friday was my first treatment. I guess what has me so concerned/worried, is I haven't had any side effects. I feel great, except for being antsy because I'm bored and a little heat in my feet, but that's easily dispelled with a lovely mixed veggie ice pack Plus some of this is the leftover neuropathy from the carbo/taxol.

Some days I so truly want to run and hide, but I know that's not a solution. Typically I am a very private person, keep most of my emotions to myself, but lately this has become a bit overwhelming.

I wish I could go to work, but my onc doesn't want me to, and considering it's cold and flu season now, it's probably not such a bad idea. However, I did try to work part time with the carbo and oh boy did some of the side effects kick butt!!! Needless to say I had to stop, I was off more than I was on. Now however, I sit here like a lump not knowing what to do with myself and I become more morose because I can't work. Boy I never thought I would hear myself say this, but I MISS MY JOB!!!!! Luckily they can't wait until I come back and the support I get from them is just unreal.

Sorry for the long rambling and thank you for listening.

Jane