My wandering mind and rambling fingers...

confuzzled Member Posts: 21
edited March 2014 in Ovarian Cancer #1
It's getting late and the house has been quite for about 3 hours now, everyone including the dog is asleep, except me as usual. The TV is turned on low, can't really concentrate on any one show, so it's just background noise. My mind keeps wandering and zeroing on this nasty entity that bedevils me!!

I was first diagnosised with PPC in April of this year and had 6 rounds of carbo/toxil only to find out that I am platinum resistant (figures) and of course my CA125 has risen from 220 to 290. Of course after reading what some ladies have endured, this is just a small whine so please bear with me. I am finding that I have no where to vent out loud and really have had no place to really grieve the lose of that grand hope that the carbo was going to fix it all.
My fiance has been great thru all of my trials and tribulations so far, but he cannot handle too much discussion about all of this. He breaks down quickly and I end up comforting him, when I really would rather be on the receiving end of the comforting instead of the other way around. When we found out about the carbo my oncogolist sent me back to the gyn/oncologist who did not have anything supportive to add to my week, when she so calmly informed me that she only sees a one to two year survival in patients such as myself who are platinum resistant.

Now I'm sorry but that is NOT an acceptable answer! She did tell me I was a perfect candidate for a clinical trial she was running and did I want to think about it and try it. So given the fact that I could either try the clincal trial or go on Doxil (at first I thought my onc said it was an older drug and not as effective) I jumped at the chance to participate in the trial only to find out oh wait you're almost a perfect match for this, but you didn't have the debulking surgery. Oh and you can't have the debulking surgery because you have fluid in your lungs and the carbo didn't work. Okay......

Well needless to say I was one very depressed puppy. I couldn't cry in front of my fiance, his mother lives with us and her nerves are just as bad, if not worse, as his so I couldn't cry there either. I finally pulled myself up by the boot straps and decided to get my butt in gear and go for the doxil, so last Friday was my first treatment. I guess what has me so concerned/worried, is I haven't had any side effects. I feel great, except for being antsy because I'm bored and a little heat in my feet, but that's easily dispelled with a lovely mixed veggie ice pack :) Plus some of this is the leftover neuropathy from the carbo/taxol.

Some days I so truly want to run and hide, but I know that's not a solution. Typically I am a very private person, keep most of my emotions to myself, but lately this has become a bit overwhelming.

I wish I could go to work, but my onc doesn't want me to, and considering it's cold and flu season now, it's probably not such a bad idea. However, I did try to work part time with the carbo and oh boy did some of the side effects kick butt!!! Needless to say I had to stop, I was off more than I was on. Now however, I sit here like a lump not knowing what to do with myself and I become more morose because I can't work. Boy I never thought I would hear myself say this, but I MISS MY JOB!!!!! Luckily they can't wait until I come back and the support I get from them is just unreal.

Sorry for the long rambling and thank you for listening.



  • msfanciful
    msfanciful Member Posts: 559
    Hi Jane,
    It's going to be a

    Hi Jane,

    It's going to be a difficult journey and a lot of it has to do with how well you handle this horrendous reality!

    This February will be 4 years surviving/living with stage iv ovca; so I've just gotten pass the crucial 3 year mark and whereas I was fine. Something about passing that three got me all ansy again, but I just try to continue to be preoccupied with life, fun, anything but cancer.

    I don't know this, but you may want to look at an anti-depressant to help buffer your anxiety with this. I started out on 10mg of Lexapro and have since tapered off of it. Not supposed to, but I'm just dealing with it all better as time passes.

    That's the other thing, it will take time to come to terms with as well.

    Things may seem like they are not in your favor right now, but believe (and you have to believe this)that everything will get better.

    Stay strong,
  • Mwee
    Mwee Member Posts: 1,338
    Hi Jane
    We're always here to listen, dear Jane,and what you're saying sounds so famililar to me. I've been chemoing since Jan. and if someone had told me that I would have all this time off, I would have thought yippee... think of the projects (quilting, gardening etc, etc) that I could get into! BUT, most of the time I'm way too fatiqued to tackle things that are that amibitious. I can only whine just so much to my family because they are going through their own emotions and get frustrated because they can't "fix" this for me.

    Two things..... I had 4 Doxil treatments and please keep up with those veggie packs. I started getting more than just the burning in my feet around the time of round 3. I should have iced more. Also, I a TRY to amuse myself by using my local library for audiobooks, books, DVDs and all... also got a gift of Netflix.
    ((((HUGS)))) Maria
  • mopar
    mopar Member Posts: 1,972 Member
    Oh, how I remember many sleepless nights, sitting up alone (never wanted to wake anyone up to wile away the hours with me), my mind wandering with some really silly thoughts. Lots of little things I did to pass the time, but I appreciated this board the most. Even went to the chat room a few times. Diagnosed in 2000, again in 2006, so it's still fresh in my mind.

    No need to apologize for rambling. It can actually help to put it all in writing, which is why I kept a journal from the very beginning. It helped with treatments, so I was always prepared what to bring along, what to buy for the following days, but mostly what to expect and just be ready. That helped me a lot.

    The ladies have all given great advice. Right now, I'll only add that you can 'vent' any time. We're all here for eachother. Sometimes it's difficult for spouses and fiancee's and other family to cope, to know what to say or do. I know my husband held in a great deal. He tried to be strong for me, but thankfully he had his sisters and other family to call and share with and release some of his anxiety.

    Keep visiting us, Jane. I'll be praying for some solid answers regarding your treatment options, but mostly that you will find some peace and comfort during this difficult time to get through this and still live life as much as you're able. Truly, I can tell you that looking back creates depression - looking too far forward creates anxiety - that's why we must live in the moment, doing the best we can, and allowing ourselves to cry if we need to. You will move past it, moment by moment.

    Lots of (((HUGS)))
  • confuzzled
    confuzzled Member Posts: 21
    Thank you
    All for your words of comfort and hope. Last night was for some reason a rough one. Today is a better day!! I know I need an outlet and it's time for me to find something to do instead of sitting around watching TV and surfing the internet for answers that I know no one has. I miss my job, but I know that it will be there for me when I am in remission and can return to sitting at a desk. I am always welcome to visit and disrupt the business day so I have that to look forward to.

    I have a wedding to plan for next June and I think it's time to start planning favors and colors and all the little details that go with that. (Nothing like waiting till your 50 to plan your first wedding - LOL).

    I have absolute faith in my onc and in God that I WILL defeat this beast and that in the near future they will find a cure.

    Thank you all for being here and for listening to me when my thoughts were as dark as the long night.