Who else gets 'death support responses'?

Bigfuzzydoug
Bigfuzzydoug Member Posts: 154
edited March 2014 in Head and Neck Cancer #1
I continue to find it amusing how people react when they find out you have cancer. I find that there are four distinct reactions:

1. The 'religous response': "Oh my god! Can I pray for you..." (I don't mind this.)

2. The 'curious response': "No way! Cancer? Really?! What kind? How did you find out? What are your treatments? What's your prognosis?..." (I don't mind this.)

3. The 'wisecrack response': "You? Throat cancer? Ha! Finally they found a way to shut you up!" (I actually prefer this.)

4. The 'death support response': This is the one I find most amusing. "Oh I am so sorry. What kind of cancer? Throat cancer? Oh that's what my nephew had. I remember when he had his chemo and radiation. Yeah, he died so quickly after his diagnosis. he only made it like a year. Good luck to you though."

I've had several people respond to my news about cancer by immediately going to a place of, "let me tell you all about the people I know who died from cancer." I know they mean well but it makes me crack up laughing afterwards that they don't realize that telling a cancer patient such morbid cancer stories doesn't really inspire confidence and a positive attitude. Yesterday someone (who really is sweet and tried to mean well) actually said to me, "oh he died such a horrible death. He couldn't speak or even breathe at the end." Gee, thanks! You make me feel so much better.
«134

Comments

  • Skiffin16
    Skiffin16 Member Posts: 8,305 Member
    #2
    Too Funny
    Great analysis....

    Concerning #4, when I was going though treatment, I didn't want anything negative clouding up my positive attitude.

    When someone starting telling me a stoy of a friend, family member or co-worker, I would interrupt them. I would tell them up front, "I don't mean to be rude, and I'm interested in your story, but, if it doesn't end positive, I'd rather not hear it right now. That I only want positive thoughts and feelings in my head"....

    I'm definitley not naive, and have plenty of those same stories and memories already, I don't need more.

    Staying positive, up beat, and as much as your normal (not depressed) self is huge in my book. I'm usually always a pretty up beat person anyways, with a weird sense of humor. I laugh at my own jokes when no one else does, LOL...so it takes a lot to depress me usually. Unless I have a PET coming up, LOL, then the high anxiety mode kicks in.

    Best,
    John
  • Pumakitty
    Pumakitty Member Posts: 652
    #3
    What my mom's friend did
    When my dad first found out about his cancer, we told my mom's best friend and she came up for a visit. About a week later people started calling us and telling us how sorry they were that my dad had cancer and that he had given up and was not eating. The funny thing was that when her friend was there my dad was sitting at the table with a big plate of food, water bottle and carrying on a conversation with us. I have no idea where she got the idea to tell people he was in such bad shape.

    My mom has not spoken to her since.

    Other then that everyone else was very positive with us.
  • D Lewis
    D Lewis Member Posts: 1,581 Member
    #4
    "Cancer Eyes"
    At the start, I got a lot of the looks I would characterize as "Cancer Eyes" where people gaze at you with that sad, tragic look that says "OMG, you are dying!"

    The little local ENT (and part-time plastic surgeon) who first diagnosed me STILL does the Cancer Eyes routine with me. He has no grasp at all of the relevance of my HPV status, no idea about current research, and remains convinced that my long term survival rate is somewhere down around 50%. My GP telephoned him to discuss my case, and was given the same prognosis.

    This is why, early on, I took myself to the Stanford Cancer Center where people told me to pick myself up and get on with my life with the presumption that it will never return.

    I love the four options Doug described above. I have seen them all, myself, and I also prefer Option 3, the wisecrack.

    Deb
  • RushFan
    RushFan Member Posts: 224
    #5
    D Lewis said:

    "Cancer Eyes"
    At the start, I got a lot of the looks I would characterize as "Cancer Eyes" where people gaze at you with that sad, tragic look that says "OMG, you are dying!"

    The little local ENT (and part-time plastic surgeon) who first diagnosed me STILL does the Cancer Eyes routine with me. He has no grasp at all of the relevance of my HPV status, no idea about current research, and remains convinced that my long term survival rate is somewhere down around 50%. My GP telephoned him to discuss my case, and was given the same prognosis.

    This is why, early on, I took myself to the Stanford Cancer Center where people told me to pick myself up and get on with my life with the presumption that it will never return.

    I love the four options Doug described above. I have seen them all, myself, and I also prefer Option 3, the wisecrack.

    Deb

    We get "looks" too
    My wife and notices that she (we) get looks too, from our friends, neighbors and acquaintances at church.

    Kinda like..."oh, there's Linda, her husband has cancer" looks. Looks that linger a little longer. We don't mind. We know they are concerned. We both get the "and how are you doing?" heavy eye contact questions...and we both are fortunate to say..."we are doing great"!

    We mostly get the "no way"! response...

    We have not experienced the death support response, at least not to an extreme. Everybody seems to have been touched by this terrible disease so we do get some of the "I knew somebody" type stories...

    Good post, and best to all here.
    Chuck.
  • ekdennie
    ekdennie Member Posts: 238 Member
    #6
    the responses I notice
    I get each of those responses you listed ...then as I am the mother of three young kids (4 1/2, 2 1/2, and 7 months) I get the , "Oh your poor children...who is going to take care of them." I feel like saying...I have a great prognosis...so me, that is who. My husband when I am too ill, or my mom...then they hug my kids like I am going to die any minute...which all of my doctors say will not happen.

    I also have been told about a hundred times..."but I didn't think you ever smoked" to which I want to reply...news flash...I never smoked. Just because I have/had oral cancer that doesn't mean I was a smoker. (MEC diagnosed in June 2010, surgery aug 10, 2010...radiation to follow).

    I also love the "Could I have it too" response. as my tumor could occur in anyone at any time, I get the...do you think I have it too? to which I respond...um, maybe...have you asked your dentist? or the, I mentioned to my dentist about your tumor...he is going to double check everyone...which is great if it means the dentist is going to do his job more thoroughly, but he/she should be looking for tumors every day anyway.

    I also love the pain response, "so and so that I know had surgery on their palate too...they said it hurt like hell and they wish they never had it done" not exactly the statement to tell someone the week before their palate surgery.

    The "you are so strong" response is also starting to wear a little thin. How many times can you hear, well you are so strong so you will overcome this, it will be behind you in no time. or my husband hears, she is the strongest person I know, she will be fine. some days I am not strong...I am a survivor, doing what I have to do to survive and move on to the next day. I have my good days and my bad days, but no mater how many days pass...I will be a cancer survivor from now until my dying day. I have a hole in my mouth that an appliance covers, but I am not the same. This is not like a cold that you take some medicine and move on as though it never happened...it happened, it is a part of who I am now, nothing can change that...but I don't have to dwell on it or enjoy watching all those people who can't look me in the eye after they find out.
  • ekdennie
    ekdennie Member Posts: 238 Member
    #7
    Pumakitty said:

    What my mom's friend did
    When my dad first found out about his cancer, we told my mom's best friend and she came up for a visit. About a week later people started calling us and telling us how sorry they were that my dad had cancer and that he had given up and was not eating. The funny thing was that when her friend was there my dad was sitting at the table with a big plate of food, water bottle and carrying on a conversation with us. I have no idea where she got the idea to tell people he was in such bad shape.

    My mom has not spoken to her since.

    Other then that everyone else was very positive with us.

    similar experience
    During my surgery I lost a lot of blood, was weak and my throat hurt from the tubes that were used during surgery, and I was under dr orders to eat soft foods or liquids for two weeks. so I enjoyed the email I got from one of my husband's relatives saying how sorry they were to hear that I was unable to ever eat again and that they knew of plenty of liquid meals they could send me. That they were sorry to hear that I was needing a blood transfusion and that when I start my chemo to make sure that I know all the side effects. to which I responded...I don't need a transfusion. I am not having chemo...I am having radiation. I am eating solid foods, now that my mouth has healed enough for me to eat them...but thank you for your support. my mother-in-law has been spreading wrong info everywhere, she means well, but she doesn't listen to what we tell her, and then she tells everyone she knows what she thought she heard. Before my surgery she couldn't understand me...now it is worse. If I didn't love her so much I would be angry...as it is...I just have to laugh. I do wonder how many people have been told the wrong story over and over again. :)
  • Hondo
    Hondo Member Posts: 6,636 Member
    #8
    Hi Doug

    You are so right people mean well but don’t always come across with the best verbiage to what they really mean to say.

    I was at Church and one person came up to me and said brother I hear you have Cancer, I want you to know I am praying for you. Poor system Mary had cancer she died last year what a fighter she was, I never seen any one suffer like she did. All I could think was well that was somewhat positive if you look at it and leave the suffering part off.
  • DJG1
    DJG1 Member Posts: 121
    #9
    Hondo said:

    Hi Doug

    You are so right people mean well but don’t always come across with the best verbiage to what they really mean to say.

    I was at Church and one person came up to me and said brother I hear you have Cancer, I want you to know I am praying for you. Poor system Mary had cancer she died last year what a fighter she was, I never seen any one suffer like she did. All I could think was well that was somewhat positive if you look at it and leave the suffering part off.

    No Death Sentance, but a classic
    I work with wonderful people who mean well. Had a co worker ask me what a group of people could make (food) and bring to the house as a nice gesture. I responded, anything would be ok, I am still able to eat most things, but may change in the near future. (On rad treatment #3 of 33). She responded, "Oh, my dad had radiation (Im sure a difference Cancer type), and he had no problems eating during his radiation. I just smiled, and said, Yea, maybe your right and let it go. I sometimes wonder what people are thinking, oh their not!!!
    Debbie
  • rozaroo
    rozaroo Member Posts: 665
    #10
    DJG1 said:

    No Death Sentance, but a classic
    I work with wonderful people who mean well. Had a co worker ask me what a group of people could make (food) and bring to the house as a nice gesture. I responded, anything would be ok, I am still able to eat most things, but may change in the near future. (On rad treatment #3 of 33). She responded, "Oh, my dad had radiation (Im sure a difference Cancer type), and he had no problems eating during his radiation. I just smiled, and said, Yea, maybe your right and let it go. I sometimes wonder what people are thinking, oh their not!!!
    Debbie

    You sure look better than you did a few month's ago! That comment was from a friend. Another was are you sure you are okay now! Can you go out now or so you still have that stupid tube. This was from a friend that I had not seen since I was first diagnosed. And I thought we were really good friend's.I have now been invited to function's from people that have not called me once since I was first diagnosed. I now decline such invitation's.
    I don't mind people offering me prayer's, I so appreciate them & accept them graciously. I sure think differently & am now more aware of who & what are important to me. Negativity has no room in my life any longer.
  • rozaroo
    rozaroo Member Posts: 665
    #11
    DJG1 said:

    No Death Sentance, but a classic
    I work with wonderful people who mean well. Had a co worker ask me what a group of people could make (food) and bring to the house as a nice gesture. I responded, anything would be ok, I am still able to eat most things, but may change in the near future. (On rad treatment #3 of 33). She responded, "Oh, my dad had radiation (Im sure a difference Cancer type), and he had no problems eating during his radiation. I just smiled, and said, Yea, maybe your right and let it go. I sometimes wonder what people are thinking, oh their not!!!
    Debbie

    You sure look better than you did a few month's ago! That comment was from a friend. Another was are you sure you are okay now! Can you go out now or so you still have that stupid tube. This was from a friend that I had not seen since I was first diagnosed. And I thought we were really good friend's.I have now been invited to function's from people that have not called me once since I was first diagnosed. I now decline such invitation's.
    I don't mind people offering me prayer's, I so appreciate them & accept them graciously. I sure think differently & am now more aware of who & what are important to me. Negativity has no room in my life any longer.
  • rozaroo
    rozaroo Member Posts: 665
    #12
    DJG1 said:

    No Death Sentance, but a classic
    I work with wonderful people who mean well. Had a co worker ask me what a group of people could make (food) and bring to the house as a nice gesture. I responded, anything would be ok, I am still able to eat most things, but may change in the near future. (On rad treatment #3 of 33). She responded, "Oh, my dad had radiation (Im sure a difference Cancer type), and he had no problems eating during his radiation. I just smiled, and said, Yea, maybe your right and let it go. I sometimes wonder what people are thinking, oh their not!!!
    Debbie

    You sure look better than you did a few month's ago! That comment was from a friend. Another was are you sure you are okay now! Can you go out now or so you still have that stupid tube. This was from a friend that I had not seen since I was first diagnosed. And I thought we were really good friend's.I have now been invited to function's from people that have not called me once since I was first diagnosed. I now decline such invitation's.
    I don't mind people offering me prayer's, I so appreciate them & accept them graciously. I sure think differently & am now more aware of who & what are important to me. Negativity has no room in my life any longer.
  • rozaroo
    rozaroo Member Posts: 665
    #13
    rozaroo said:

    You sure look better than you did a few month's ago! That comment was from a friend. Another was are you sure you are okay now! Can you go out now or so you still have that stupid tube. This was from a friend that I had not seen since I was first diagnosed. And I thought we were really good friend's.I have now been invited to function's from people that have not called me once since I was first diagnosed. I now decline such invitation's.
    I don't mind people offering me prayer's, I so appreciate them & accept them graciously. I sure think differently & am now more aware of who & what are important to me. Negativity has no room in my life any longer.

    Sorry!
    Sorry for the triple post!
  • Skiffin16
    Skiffin16 Member Posts: 8,305 Member
    #14
    My Favorite Response
    My all time favorite response during treatment, especially since it was true....

    "Other than having Cancer, I'm in perfect health...."

    or another just havinf finishing treatment was;

    "It's amazing how well you feel when you aren't having poison run through your body, or being heavily dosed with radiation...LOL"

    Now, I no longer have Cancer, I feel that I'm still in perfect health, other than a few minor quirks...LOL.

    Best, John
  • sweetblood22
    sweetblood22 Member Posts: 3,228
    #15
    Well, out of the four that
    Well, out of the four that you posted I mostly get a ton of the first. People offering prayers which is great by me. I have gotten just a few of number fours. What I mostly got was people telling me I would be just fine, (how the heck would they know?) and that so and so had radiation AND chemo and they could eat and they were just fine (so and so people had every other cancer but head and neck).

    Mostly people are very supportive. I had an uncle die of HNC just as I was starting rads so I had my own family horror story playing out in my daily life. As well as a cousin who is still living with her own battle that she pulled thru. My cousin's mother in law, my aunt really would not tell me the horror stories. She wanted me to hear things from my doctors and gave me questions to ask. I have to say I was really freaked out when my uncle passed and I had to start my rads.

    I still get some people that can't believe Im not back to work yet and that still so underweight. People just don't understand the severe side effects of rads that can happen to some of us. That plus my other genetic blood disorder, Fanconi Anemia, has made it harder to bounce back, i think.
  • Pam M
    Pam M Member Posts: 2,196
    #16
    Hi. I'm Pam. I'm Strong and Brave
    I told my son I'd have a t-shirt made that said that. Some days, I got pretty tired of being told how strong and brave I am. Like most here, I wasn't always strong and brave. And how could people who barely knew me pronounce me strong and/or brave? Then I'd feel like a jerk for feeling resentful of someone's well-wishes.

    One of the kindest awkward wishes I got was from a total stranger who saw my bald head ("no hats permitted in court room"), asked if I had cancer, then let me know how his dearly departed dad had fought long and hard, then said "you look like you're doing well. I hope that's the case". OK - mixed points for him.
  • team stevens
    team stevens Member Posts: 46
    #17
    tell me about it
    When i called my inlaws to tell them,their response was, Oh my God..that's how his uncle went, too. Mike's brothers haven't even come to see him since all of this. they won't call him because "it's hard to understand him when he talks". One of his brothers even told me they'll just wait until the Holidays to see him. he should be 'back to normal' by then.
    My coworker told me "there's a place in heaven for you. not all women would hang in there like you're doing..they'd want to get on with their lives. what the heck's that supposed to mean?
  • Hal61
    Hal61 Member Posts: 655
    #18
    Eeeeeuuuuu!!
    That's probably my favorite response. I ran into a lady in the waiting room of my medical onc. I hadn't seen her for years and she and I worked the same facilty for a decade or more. She asked why I was there and I told her I had base of tongue cancer. She looked at me in mild disgust and said" Eeeeeeyuuuuu!" That about sums it up I guess.

    Hal
  • Pam M
    Pam M Member Posts: 2,196
    #19
    Hal61 said:

    Eeeeeuuuuu!!
    That's probably my favorite response. I ran into a lady in the waiting room of my medical onc. I hadn't seen her for years and she and I worked the same facilty for a decade or more. She asked why I was there and I told her I had base of tongue cancer. She looked at me in mild disgust and said" Eeeeeeyuuuuu!" That about sums it up I guess.

    Hal

    "Never Heard of That"
    For many, it seems that the fact that they've never heard of base of tongue cancer means it must be really bad. I just smiled and said "I never had heard of it, either, until the doc told me I had it".
  • staceya
    staceya Member Posts: 720
    #20
    Pam M said:

    "Never Heard of That"
    For many, it seems that the fact that they've never heard of base of tongue cancer means it must be really bad. I just smiled and said "I never had heard of it, either, until the doc told me I had it".

    I never knew what to say
    I never knew what to say about the #4s which really bugged me. Then a few months ago (it must have been skiffin) shared his tactic, which I have used ever since. I work with mostly medical people, which was great and remarkable helpful, it was outside of work where I heard the negative stories. Another reason this site has been a blessing.
    Stacey
  • miccmill
    miccmill Member Posts: 248
    #21
    staceya said:

    I never knew what to say
    I never knew what to say about the #4s which really bugged me. Then a few months ago (it must have been skiffin) shared his tactic, which I have used ever since. I work with mostly medical people, which was great and remarkable helpful, it was outside of work where I heard the negative stories. Another reason this site has been a blessing.
    Stacey

    My mohter
    actually said to me "It's so brave of you to stay and take care of him". Wha??? We're not legally married but have been together for 25 yrs. I must say though, that I've met two nurses who left their husbands when health problems became dire and that was a shock to me.
    When you're in a marriage or committed relationship, illness doesn't seem like a deal breaker. Life is a risk and if you hook yourself up with someone then you take some of their risks also.

Discussion Boards