My heart is heavy
Where do we stage IV go from here?
I don't deny it, I want to live. I want to embrace life for many years.
I want to feel the sunshine on my face, the embrace of my man at night. These are things that I'm just not ready to give up.
A condemned prisoner crosses out his days on the calender, this can be for many years,he hates the thought of death coming. I don't want to cross my days out, I don't want to be closer to death.
Tomorrow I want to wake up and find out, that I suffered a horrible dream, but each and every tomorrow that has risen, only proves me wrong since February 6th, it's here, the cancer, it wasn't a bad, bad dream.
I want to spend years waking up and holding my grandchildren, passing on wisdom, spoiling them, ticking off their parents.
I want to wake up tomorrow and know that I have another 20 years left.
I don't want to have to pray every day for another day.
I want more speeding tickets in many years to come, at least I lived, I was alive to tick off that poor State Trooper.
I want to fight for what is right and good in this world. I don't want to fight cancer, because I don't want this cancer, I don't want to fight what only blood tests and ct scans say that is there. I want to beat up and fight something I can fight physically. I want to kick some arse, but with cancer, I seem to remain the pacifist. I can't hit it physically, kill it outright, shoot it with a .38 or 9 millimeter. Give me a shotgun, by golly, if that would kill it. But it won't, facts are facts, I have cancer. I can't beat it up or kill it tomorrow, it is my enemy, but it is an enemy within my body, my own body, exactly how do we fight our bodies??? This thing has attached itself to us, from within, like some horrible science fiction story. And while we attack it with chemo, with our hearts and with our minds, it continues to fight us back and too often it wins.
Again tonight I will go to sleep, tomorrow, I will wake, and again be surprised to remember the reality, to remember I awaken with cancer.
Winter Marie
Comments
-
I understand your frustration,
I'm 28 and I'm told everyday by doctors, friends and family to I'm to young for this to be happening and I do not hestitate to answer back "yes I know and I'm sick of it." I wish too that I will wake up and this is just some horrible dream but when I wake up it's oh crap! I have cancer! And at night it's the worst, you know when the house is quite because everyone else is asleep that's when my thoughts just consume me and I wonder what if, how much longer and am I next?? I told my husband the other day that I just want this over with I rather know what is going to happen next rather than sit her feeling like I'm walking on eggshells.
How do we win a battle that is against our own body, our own DNA?? I don't know and wish I had the answer to save others for having to experience what I have gone through. I hate to sound childish and pitty myself but Gosh, this really isn't fair. I was just starting to get my life together- I still want things that I may not get the chance to ever have and I hate that. I want a career, children you bet! I want a baby so bad right now it hurts to see new mothers with newborns. But you know what Winter Marie we must find the will to go on and live because those who have unfortunately passed before their time would want us to enjoy every second we have. We have to focus on the beautiful things and take in every second of life. One thing I know for sure and I'm pretty sure you will noticed it too, is that people like us sure learned to love with all our heart, forgive with less hesitation, and gained compassion for those who endure hard times. Just know you are not alone on how you feel and we'll get through this
And I will be here to help you -Melissa 0 -
Life is fickle!
Yes cancer blows! I can't deny it, but life is tricky and you can't let it get to you. One thing is for sure, you will die. The trick is to not let that death consume or define your life. Death will be brief and have no meaning to you. There was a fund raiser held for me in Feb 2010. 125 people volunteered to help; and worked extremely hard for my benefit. Whether by fate or extraordinarily bad luck, 4 of those people have died since the fund raiser. Young people who sympathized for me are now gone. Victims of drowning, auto accidents and a stroke.
One was a very good friend of mine. She was a beautiful, healthy, 31 yo that had just been promoted and bought a home. She called to check on me one afternoon when she got off early. She mentioned she had a slight head ache but neither of us thought anything of it. She went to sleep and never woke up. Her sister found her in bed the next morning a victim of a massive stroke. Another young lady, drown on her 19th birthday.
You never know when you are going to check out. All you can do is enjoy the cards dealt to you at any given moment. Be the best you can be at everything you do. Help others as best you can. Death will work itself out. It doesn't need your help.0 -
I am 'only' stage III, but....
I will tell you what one of my stage IV partners said to me:
Today may bring a revelation that will stop cancer in it's tracks...
Today may bring a breakthru in medical treatment that will cause us to be cured...
Today may bring a coming together of everyone to solve this trouble...
So....
Today I will smile, and find things to make me smile...
Today I will feel the breeze on my cheek, and not wonder if it is the last...
Today I will tell my loved ones just how much I cherish them...
Today I will ignore, as much as possible, the shadow that is cancer...
Today I will do everything and anything that will make certain I have another 'today'...
BIG hugs to you,
Kathi0 -
Stop dwelling on the stage of cancer.
My friend was a stage one, no chemo needed, no trace
of cancer...... or so his physicians said.
Less than two years later he was a stage four, and told
he had six to nine months to live. One year later - he's gone.
The stage doesn't make much difference, what you do to
help your body fight the erred cells, does.
You can't be afraid to try new things, or old things; you have to
remain open to anything that can help and do your best to try.
Think healthy!
John0 -
Marie..John23 said:Stop dwelling on the stage of cancer.
My friend was a stage one, no chemo needed, no trace
of cancer...... or so his physicians said.
Less than two years later he was a stage four, and told
he had six to nine months to live. One year later - he's gone.
The stage doesn't make much difference, what you do to
help your body fight the erred cells, does.
You can't be afraid to try new things, or old things; you have to
remain open to anything that can help and do your best to try.
Think healthy!
John
I too spent 2 years wondering the same. When will it get me, how long do I have, why me, oh whoa is me.....Well, ****, cuse my french, but I am tired of it controlling me. I do not live with cancer, it lives with me, and if it can stand to be around me then its tougher than I thought it was, although still not as tough as I. I intend on living 41 more years, and I will be durn if Im going to let it bother me anymore, ever. I have cried, blubbered, spent hours watching my children play and wonder how long or how old they will be when I die. Well, ****, I am not going easily, and if I have my say about it Im not going at all. You see, I found that my will to survive is a lot stronger than I thought it was, so whether it be chemo out the ying yang, or kale,cucumbers, and donkey farts mixed with asparagus root and lipton ice tea, I will continue to live and enjoy my life, and when I die well guess what, the cancer dies too...it can't live without supplement so guess what, I have kicked its **** anyway I go.....all you have to do is get the mind right...we will eventually all die, but as the saying goes its how we live that matters....and cancer thinks it has me.....hehehe.....I got news for it, its beat any way it goes, it just don't realize it yet.......Love to you sweetheart.....Stay on the Beach, its beautiful there.....Buzz0 -
Marie,
My husband has the
Marie,
My husband has the cancer but it effects me also. I try very hard not to let each day be controlled by cancer. It is hard for me. I am sure it is hard for him also. We do talk about it but are living life. We take it day to day. I if you haven't read many of my posts have MS and am in a wheelchair. It is hard to live with this also but I do live. I still do what needs to be done and enjoy life. Some would just give up. I am not one of those people and John (JR) isn't either. We never know what life will bring us and that is life. Cheer up and live it if you can. My thoughts on it. Paula0 -
Oh Marie...
I so know how you feel. I get in a funk and I think those thoughts. With all the deaths we've had lately, I find myself going back and finding out what their original stage was and think, "Oh my gosh... That's mine... am I next?"
I'm comfortable with whatever happens, now. All I can do is live like this my last day. I could get hit by a grain truck while getting my mail... You never know how or when... just live like it might be your last. Love like you've never loved before and dance like no one is watching. Sing like you're alone and in my case, listen to the dogs howl.
Personally, for me, even after such a crappy month here, I am ready to live. Like Buzz said, I don't have cancer, it has me and I've been a stubborn girl. I make fun of it so I'm the bully. I can't tell you how to feel, and I acknowledge your feelings. I've felt them. Even at a stage III, I still have my fears of recurrence, but I'm not going to let that infiltrate my life and overshadow my NED now. Doesn't mean I'll always be NED... Doesn't mean I'm NED now. It meant I was NED when they did the CT scan. Until I find out different, I'll be the one you dancing her yard because the sun is shining down on me. You can find me smiling because it's such a beautiful day. We've raised 3 wonderful kids who knows I might die of this disease that has me. If it finally kills me off, I know they're gonna do fine. I know I'll be fine. I have deep faith in prayer and I know that many are praying for me, just as I pray for all of us here.
It's like having a ghost in your house. It plays havoc in there. Plays tricks on us and our families that we don't like. We can't see it, but we know it's there. We can exorcise that ghostie which is exactly what I plan on doing. I'm with Buzz... another 41 years!
Love and Hugs,
Holly0 -
BuzzBuzzard said:Marie..
I too spent 2 years wondering the same. When will it get me, how long do I have, why me, oh whoa is me.....Well, ****, cuse my french, but I am tired of it controlling me. I do not live with cancer, it lives with me, and if it can stand to be around me then its tougher than I thought it was, although still not as tough as I. I intend on living 41 more years, and I will be durn if Im going to let it bother me anymore, ever. I have cried, blubbered, spent hours watching my children play and wonder how long or how old they will be when I die. Well, ****, I am not going easily, and if I have my say about it Im not going at all. You see, I found that my will to survive is a lot stronger than I thought it was, so whether it be chemo out the ying yang, or kale,cucumbers, and donkey farts mixed with asparagus root and lipton ice tea, I will continue to live and enjoy my life, and when I die well guess what, the cancer dies too...it can't live without supplement so guess what, I have kicked its **** anyway I go.....all you have to do is get the mind right...we will eventually all die, but as the saying goes its how we live that matters....and cancer thinks it has me.....hehehe.....I got news for it, its beat any way it goes, it just don't realize it yet.......Love to you sweetheart.....Stay on the Beach, its beautiful there.....Buzz
I so want to get into your mindset, to feel that way. I do, honest I do.
But I just don't want to wake up with this cancer, and every day I do. It's still there, it still says "hello" whether I want it to or not, no choice at all.
And guess what? I don't want it to say hello, I don't even want to know it's name.
Get thee away from me, you cancer devil you. (Now I believe in heaven and hell, LOL). Casting it from me.
But tomorrow comes, and it's still here. It will always be here, until the day I die.
How do I wrap my mind around that? How??? I thought I would get lung cancer (due to smoking) but in my late 60's, what a cruel joke, colon cancer.
I guess I should say I'm doing all the right things to conquer this, but I'm not. I took up drink 3 weeks ago, to hell with my vegetables and fruit, bring on the red meat.
How stupid is that? Very. But I find I can't stop myself. I am D E F E A T E D at the moment. Why do I have this mindset? I DON'T KNOW!!!
I don't want to, but I do.
Tomorrow I'm going to go buy a processed no no hot dog with sauerkraut and mustard at the Home Depot, and I'm going to enjoy every single bite.
From what I see on our discussion board, I'm the only one falling apart, so that makes me ashamed of my weakness, my inability to deal with it as well as everyone else.
For that I am ashamed, that I am less of a hero then you all. I am just a old broken woman.
Winter Marie0 -
Holly,HollyID said:Oh Marie...
I so know how you feel. I get in a funk and I think those thoughts. With all the deaths we've had lately, I find myself going back and finding out what their original stage was and think, "Oh my gosh... That's mine... am I next?"
I'm comfortable with whatever happens, now. All I can do is live like this my last day. I could get hit by a grain truck while getting my mail... You never know how or when... just live like it might be your last. Love like you've never loved before and dance like no one is watching. Sing like you're alone and in my case, listen to the dogs howl.
Personally, for me, even after such a crappy month here, I am ready to live. Like Buzz said, I don't have cancer, it has me and I've been a stubborn girl. I make fun of it so I'm the bully. I can't tell you how to feel, and I acknowledge your feelings. I've felt them. Even at a stage III, I still have my fears of recurrence, but I'm not going to let that infiltrate my life and overshadow my NED now. Doesn't mean I'll always be NED... Doesn't mean I'm NED now. It meant I was NED when they did the CT scan. Until I find out different, I'll be the one you dancing her yard because the sun is shining down on me. You can find me smiling because it's such a beautiful day. We've raised 3 wonderful kids who knows I might die of this disease that has me. If it finally kills me off, I know they're gonna do fine. I know I'll be fine. I have deep faith in prayer and I know that many are praying for me, just as I pray for all of us here.
It's like having a ghost in your house. It plays havoc in there. Plays tricks on us and our families that we don't like. We can't see it, but we know it's there. We can exorcise that ghostie which is exactly what I plan on doing. I'm with Buzz... another 41 years!
Love and Hugs,
Holly
Could I feel that way, that there is hope, some days there is hope, most days, not.
I have faith that you and Buzz will be here 41 more years from now. But me, you're
right at this moment the fear takes over, the demons are ready to grab me any moment, the angels seem to be goofing off, darn it.
I love each morning, truly I do, that the sunshine kisses my face ever so slightly, letting me know, another day I am here. But yet, as the night comes, the darkness spreads throughout the evening, I remember my status as a cancer patient, and I don't find it comforting or pleasant.
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
A childhood prayer that can haunt my nights.
Winter Marie0 -
AndKathiM said:I am 'only' stage III, but....
I will tell you what one of my stage IV partners said to me:
Today may bring a revelation that will stop cancer in it's tracks...
Today may bring a breakthru in medical treatment that will cause us to be cured...
Today may bring a coming together of everyone to solve this trouble...
So....
Today I will smile, and find things to make me smile...
Today I will feel the breeze on my cheek, and not wonder if it is the last...
Today I will tell my loved ones just how much I cherish them...
Today I will ignore, as much as possible, the shadow that is cancer...
Today I will do everything and anything that will make certain I have another 'today'...
BIG hugs to you,
Kathi
Tonight I lay myself to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, and should I die before I awake, I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
Not that comforting lately.0 -
DearLilmiss82 said:I understand your frustration,
I'm 28 and I'm told everyday by doctors, friends and family to I'm to young for this to be happening and I do not hestitate to answer back "yes I know and I'm sick of it." I wish too that I will wake up and this is just some horrible dream but when I wake up it's oh crap! I have cancer! And at night it's the worst, you know when the house is quite because everyone else is asleep that's when my thoughts just consume me and I wonder what if, how much longer and am I next?? I told my husband the other day that I just want this over with I rather know what is going to happen next rather than sit her feeling like I'm walking on eggshells.
How do we win a battle that is against our own body, our own DNA?? I don't know and wish I had the answer to save others for having to experience what I have gone through. I hate to sound childish and pitty myself but Gosh, this really isn't fair. I was just starting to get my life together- I still want things that I may not get the chance to ever have and I hate that. I want a career, children you bet! I want a baby so bad right now it hurts to see new mothers with newborns. But you know what Winter Marie we must find the will to go on and live because those who have unfortunately passed before their time would want us to enjoy every second we have. We have to focus on the beautiful things and take in every second of life. One thing I know for sure and I'm pretty sure you will noticed it too, is that people like us sure learned to love with all our heart, forgive with less hesitation, and gained compassion for those who endure hard times. Just know you are not alone on how you feel and we'll get through this And I will be here to help you -Melissa
Melissa, darling, sweet young one. I am so, so sorry at your age, that you are suffering what only us oldsters should. Could I wave that magical wand, with only having one ability to make a wish, it would be for you. That you will feel the wonder of carrying and bearing a child, to hold him/her in your arms, and watching them grow up, this I would save my wish for.
I'm a selfish woman, I've had my children and grandchildren, yet I want more.
Your compassion and love endear me and I'm sure all around you.
You keep on loving with all your heart, and you live your life to its fullest!!! You will go far.
My thoughts, my heart, my dreams that you get to live your life to it's fullest, your way.
Winter Marie0 -
Please
I'm just in a depressive moment right now, please ignore the pessimistic views that I have posted. Somewhere, somewhere, somewhere, there is hope, never let an old depressed woman EVER, EVER take that from you.
I will maybe, someday get out of this funk.
I just ask you to forgive me for having gone there in the first place.0 -
Not hit by that bussnommintj said:Life is fickle!
Yes cancer blows! I can't deny it, but life is tricky and you can't let it get to you. One thing is for sure, you will die. The trick is to not let that death consume or define your life. Death will be brief and have no meaning to you. There was a fund raiser held for me in Feb 2010. 125 people volunteered to help; and worked extremely hard for my benefit. Whether by fate or extraordinarily bad luck, 4 of those people have died since the fund raiser. Young people who sympathized for me are now gone. Victims of drowning, auto accidents and a stroke.
One was a very good friend of mine. She was a beautiful, healthy, 31 yo that had just been promoted and bought a home. She called to check on me one afternoon when she got off early. She mentioned she had a slight head ache but neither of us thought anything of it. She went to sleep and never woke up. Her sister found her in bed the next morning a victim of a massive stroke. Another young lady, drown on her 19th birthday.
You never know when you are going to check out. All you can do is enjoy the cards dealt to you at any given moment. Be the best you can be at everything you do. Help others as best you can. Death will work itself out. It doesn't need your help.
Nope, never would a bus hit me, I LOOK both ways before crossing the street.
I can't spell the word, won't try too hard too, but my one of my favorite brothers died from an anyurism, (spelling wrong of course) blood clot to the brain basically. I miss him every day, but guess what? A blood clot isn't going to kill me. Drowning? Strong swimmer and don't go into the ocean, just sit beside it. So we can imagine these possible scenario's OTHER THEN CANCER that COULD kill us, but chances are, NEVER WILL HAPPEN, the reality is the cancer will get us first... that in spite of the scenario of drowning, stroke, bus crossing death from being run over, heart attack, won't, will not, ever get us before the cancer does.
Sad statistic's but true.0 -
Don't ever apologize forherdizziness said:Please
I'm just in a depressive moment right now, please ignore the pessimistic views that I have posted. Somewhere, somewhere, somewhere, there is hope, never let an old depressed woman EVER, EVER take that from you.
I will maybe, someday get out of this funk.
I just ask you to forgive me for having gone there in the first place.
Don't ever apologize for your feelings, we all have them. That is what this board is for, if someone cannot handle reading about your feelings, they can can click off the thread.
Remember, we all react differntly and are at different stages of this disease.
have you talked to your doctor about anti depressents? I needed them to navigate myself trhough this ordeal.
We are here for you, good times and in bad!!
Kathy0 -
Kathy is right...herdizziness said:Please
I'm just in a depressive moment right now, please ignore the pessimistic views that I have posted. Somewhere, somewhere, somewhere, there is hope, never let an old depressed woman EVER, EVER take that from you.
I will maybe, someday get out of this funk.
I just ask you to forgive me for having gone there in the first place.
Don't ever apologize for how you're feeling. I've vented here a few times myself and find myself in a funk every now and then.
We all get into funks every now and then and given our chronic states, who can blame us?
Marie, there is nothing to forgive.
Kathy had a good suggestion though... Maybe seeing a MD for an antidepressant would be good. Especially with all that's going on here and with the recent death of your relative. It hurts and it's hard to get through sometimes. There's no shame in taking them. I've got a bottle on my nightstand.
Love always,
Holly0 -
MarieeeeeeeeeeeeeHollyID said:Kathy is right...
Don't ever apologize for how you're feeling. I've vented here a few times myself and find myself in a funk every now and then.
We all get into funks every now and then and given our chronic states, who can blame us?
Marie, there is nothing to forgive.
Kathy had a good suggestion though... Maybe seeing a MD for an antidepressant would be good. Especially with all that's going on here and with the recent death of your relative. It hurts and it's hard to get through sometimes. There's no shame in taking them. I've got a bottle on my nightstand.
Love always,
Holly
I had a sister age 6 died of polio...guess what year ? 1954.....Two things happened that year...I was born and the vaccination for polio was produced...I lived, my sister passed away. I never knew her only through my rambling through the closets did I find out at the age of 18 that I had had another sister. I found a trunk that was old and worn, I opened it to find a dress, shoes, and a doll. It was something that was not talked about. So at the age of 18 and a few questions later it was told to me. ....My point in all of this...We never know what is just around the corner..Life, Death, Cancer, Polio, a new love, finding a lost soul, mentally bandaging yourself so that emotionally you will heal...We simply have to rid our mind of the eminent...We have to find a commonplace to where each individual is ok..yours is the beach, mine is fishing....I don't say its easy, I am just saying its necessary to find the peace that is within you. You had it before, you have misplaced it for now but it will return to its rightful spot.
Marie, for your sake, you are not the only one that is lost in here, we are all lost at some point in our journey. While you sit on the beach, think about waking up one morning and find that cancer has been found to have certain traits that can be vaccinated against. It happened during the rampant polio epidemic...It will happen with cancer as well. We just have to try to keep relatively normal and continue to do whatever it is that keeps us going...just know that someday, someone, will think as we do that people gave their lives so that others could live without cancer and other diseases...you'll find your peace sweetheart, just please give it time, and stay with us, we need you in here..........Bless you.......Love ya, Clift0 -
SometimesBuzzard said:Marieeeeeeeeeeeee
I had a sister age 6 died of polio...guess what year ? 1954.....Two things happened that year...I was born and the vaccination for polio was produced...I lived, my sister passed away. I never knew her only through my rambling through the closets did I find out at the age of 18 that I had had another sister. I found a trunk that was old and worn, I opened it to find a dress, shoes, and a doll. It was something that was not talked about. So at the age of 18 and a few questions later it was told to me. ....My point in all of this...We never know what is just around the corner..Life, Death, Cancer, Polio, a new love, finding a lost soul, mentally bandaging yourself so that emotionally you will heal...We simply have to rid our mind of the eminent...We have to find a commonplace to where each individual is ok..yours is the beach, mine is fishing....I don't say its easy, I am just saying its necessary to find the peace that is within you. You had it before, you have misplaced it for now but it will return to its rightful spot.
Marie, for your sake, you are not the only one that is lost in here, we are all lost at some point in our journey. While you sit on the beach, think about waking up one morning and find that cancer has been found to have certain traits that can be vaccinated against. It happened during the rampant polio epidemic...It will happen with cancer as well. We just have to try to keep relatively normal and continue to do whatever it is that keeps us going...just know that someday, someone, will think as we do that people gave their lives so that others could live without cancer and other diseases...you'll find your peace sweetheart, just please give it time, and stay with us, we need you in here..........Bless you.......Love ya, Clift
Sometimes we have to be able to say this sucks and I want to feel my own emotional pain. That doesn't mean we aren't going to fight but we need people to understand that somtimes we need to validate our feelings of not being in control of what happens to us. It is sometime so frustrating to always have to put on the fighting face the it is going to be ok face I will beat this face. I am positive face. I don't mean to be a downer I just understand that every once in a while we need to vent and if you can't do it here you can't do it anywhere. But then you need to realize that people love you and want to help and really need you around so then you must snap out of it. Don't walo to long but do it when you need to and then get on with life because someone famous must have said life is short. Laura0 -
I understand
I know, I know. It's so hard, this uncertainty. It's really lousy living from scan to scan and not knowing the future. My kids are still young and I can't imagine them without a mom. I'm 44, so I figure I'd be really lucky if I ever make it to age 50, since I can't even seem to skip chemo for a 2 week vacation without my CEA shooting way up.
It's a loss and we mourn for life they way it used to be.
I don't know what to tell you, except I get comfort by Jesus renewing my strength over and over, sometimes daily, sometimes even more than once in a day.
Hugs to you my dear,
Lisa0 -
Words from the "other Marie"herdizziness said:Please
I'm just in a depressive moment right now, please ignore the pessimistic views that I have posted. Somewhere, somewhere, somewhere, there is hope, never let an old depressed woman EVER, EVER take that from you.
I will maybe, someday get out of this funk.
I just ask you to forgive me for having gone there in the first place.
I was just reaching my 63rd birthday when I got my diagnosis. Had always been healthy and had a hard time believing I could be that sick.
I told my doctor I wasn't afraid of dying, but living with cancer scared the heck out of me.
Has cancer made a difference in how I live my life? You bet. I have more contact with my family. I make sure hugs and kisses are given. I try to keep my life in order so that when the time comes, those I leave behind will have an easier time dealing with things.
Do I think about cancer every day? Sure I do. I am here most days sharing the ups and downs of our friends who post. I cry for those who fight the good fight and still pass out of our lives.
But you know what? At least for me, cancer is just advance notice of what I will most likely die from, and makes a reality out of not living forever.
All of us suffer from depression at times. Recognizing it and seeking help, either here and/or from a doctor is ok. No one says we have to be on our top game every minute or every day. Please don't let drinking become your crutch in dealing with the emotional stress. It doesn't help...and can hurt you in so many ways.
Wishing brighter days for you and the strenght to feel good every day you have. Don't let the cancer steal the time you have left by giving in to depression.
Marie who loves kitties0 -
Hi Again,lisa42 said:I understand
I know, I know. It's so hard, this uncertainty. It's really lousy living from scan to scan and not knowing the future. My kids are still young and I can't imagine them without a mom. I'm 44, so I figure I'd be really lucky if I ever make it to age 50, since I can't even seem to skip chemo for a 2 week vacation without my CEA shooting way up.
It's a loss and we mourn for life they way it used to be.
I don't know what to tell you, except I get comfort by Jesus renewing my strength over and over, sometimes daily, sometimes even more than once in a day.
Hugs to you my dear,
Lisa
I really do relate to how you are feeling because I've been there. Ok .... I've been there many,many times Well, a relative of mine gave me a book many, many months ago and I didn't crack it open until recently, It's called "The Bounce Back Book," how to thrive in the face of adversity, setbacks and losses by Karen Salmansohn. Let me "read" some of the tips that helped me if that's ok??
"Tip#4
Feeling means you're dealing means you're healing.
Psychologist Sharon Wolf believes there is "core" pain you must be ready to feel during really bad times to fully recover: "if you want to heal rightly from a crisis, be ready to tolerate more pain than you thought you could ever feel,"warns Wolf.
Thankfully, Wolf promises if you learn to sit with, feel, and tolerate this core pain, it will get smaller and smaller, until it ultimately disappears.
Or as learned from my own travels through these stages:"Feeling means you're dealing means you're healing."After numbing myself to the pain and living in denial and isolation, when my core pain finally did arrive, it was in a full-blown stage 4 depression- in the form of a crying jab that lasted for a full 2 weeks.
During this time, I'd be walking around feeling just fine, thank you, la-de-da de-da. Then suddenly, Like a tidal wave-fawhomp-whoooosh!!-the floodgates would open. The unbearable saddness I'd been evading finally had caught up with me and grabbed me by the throat so I couldn't breath.
And though I dreaded those tears and the total loss of control, I found out later this was actually a good and necessary thing.
If you're going through a challenging time, it's essential you recognize that it's your choice to:
1. Sit with pain now or
2. Avoid the pain now and feel even greater pain later, thereby delaying the healing.
In the wonferful book The Buddha and the Terrorist, Satish Kumar writes, "Sister, pain is a part of life. By accepting it, its intensity is reduced. Do not resist it. Resistance to pain brings tension and anxiety, anxiety leads to fear. Fear of pain is worse than pain itself. This pain will pass."
Don't worry everything will work itself out -Melissa
PS: I just read your response to me and was very touched by your words. Thank you soooooo much!!! And you're not Selfish!! No not at all you're human expressing natural wants and desire:) Sending Love and A HUGE HUG!!0
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