How do you cope with family members that don't..
I am so sad and angry that I am ready to throw in the towel just not communicate with either one in regards to our brother's illness.
I just don't get how people came be raised in the same home yet view the world so differently.
Ellen
Comments
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coping with family
I understand your frustration. I was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer last august. I'm doing ok but not once in the last year have either one of my brothers called to ask how I'm doing. I guess it's their way of dealing with it. If they ignore it,it's not real. I don't hold it against them. I guess they have their own problems. But sometimes it hurts when your family acts as if nothing is wrong and you should just get over it. Just wanted you to know I understand where your coming from. Blessings to you and yours.
Deb0 -
Familydamama24 said:coping with family
I understand your frustration. I was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer last august. I'm doing ok but not once in the last year have either one of my brothers called to ask how I'm doing. I guess it's their way of dealing with it. If they ignore it,it's not real. I don't hold it against them. I guess they have their own problems. But sometimes it hurts when your family acts as if nothing is wrong and you should just get over it. Just wanted you to know I understand where your coming from. Blessings to you and yours.
Deb
My husband had E.C. last year and it is now in his lungs,T-4 His family knows , but only one sister calls him, my family knows and only one of my brothers call. I think they feel like what they don't know can't hurt them. I have no reason why they are that way. Our only source of help comes from this board. I would really be lost with out the kind people on here.
I should say my husband and I are stay at home people we never were into going places , So our friendships are few and far between. He had to retire from his job to save our health benifits.So we feel very alone.
I think sometimes people are shocked and don't know what to sai . When you some one calls they say "How are you doing" It is a general term used to greet, but when you know that they have cancer you are afraid to asked. So Maybe people are just afraid that they will upset you. That is the best I can figure it. Sad I feel so bad for my brother I want to punch his brother and sister and then I think maybe they are scarded to and don't know what to say.0 -
being scaredzinniemay said:Family
My husband had E.C. last year and it is now in his lungs,T-4 His family knows , but only one sister calls him, my family knows and only one of my brothers call. I think they feel like what they don't know can't hurt them. I have no reason why they are that way. Our only source of help comes from this board. I would really be lost with out the kind people on here.
I should say my husband and I are stay at home people we never were into going places , So our friendships are few and far between. He had to retire from his job to save our health benifits.So we feel very alone.
I think sometimes people are shocked and don't know what to sai . When you some one calls they say "How are you doing" It is a general term used to greet, but when you know that they have cancer you are afraid to asked. So Maybe people are just afraid that they will upset you. That is the best I can figure it. Sad I feel so bad for my brother I want to punch his brother and sister and then I think maybe they are scarded to and don't know what to say.
My husband passed away 6 months ago from EC and all our friends but one pretty much disappeared when he was diagnosed and then passed away. His family couldn't face it so they didn't call either. My three boys ages 17,19,and 21 were the most help for me. I still am very upset at most of our friends who still don't call to check on me or the kids. Only one of our friends was there when he was so sick and helped the day he died with my 10 year old daughter. I couldn't even get up and help her say goodby to her dad I was in so much pain and shock. I hear people grieve differently so maybe it might be their way of dealing with your husbands illness. I try not to let it bother me and just go on helping myself and my kids with our loss. You need to be there for your husband and lethe family and friends deal with their issuses. Know we are here for you in anyway we can. Keep strong and I will keep you both in my prayers. Haley0 -
Sadhalsons said:being scared
My husband passed away 6 months ago from EC and all our friends but one pretty much disappeared when he was diagnosed and then passed away. His family couldn't face it so they didn't call either. My three boys ages 17,19,and 21 were the most help for me. I still am very upset at most of our friends who still don't call to check on me or the kids. Only one of our friends was there when he was so sick and helped the day he died with my 10 year old daughter. I couldn't even get up and help her say goodby to her dad I was in so much pain and shock. I hear people grieve differently so maybe it might be their way of dealing with your husbands illness. I try not to let it bother me and just go on helping myself and my kids with our loss. You need to be there for your husband and lethe family and friends deal with their issuses. Know we are here for you in anyway we can. Keep strong and I will keep you both in my prayers. Haley
I am so sad and worried, I see nothing left for me. I cry and I cry, I try to do what I can for my husband , and he is trying to do the things he always did, but it is not going so well. This Cancer has tooken over our lifes, we have two adlut children no grandchildren, Our Children call and come by.
I have 5 siblings and my husband has 3 none really bother with calling , My one brother calls about once a month to tell all about his problems and my sister calls , she will start off "How's Greg" Let me tell you about my day, and on and on she goes. His sister that calls it is always about her nose job or something silly.When he told his brother , his brother had his number changed, when he told his older sister she never called him back . All seams so petty to me, . Our "Friends" Only one called to ask if we needed help. They rest are just not there for us. We live 30 miles from any groups that we could be a aprt of. I think maybe we were not good friends, that we were never good enough. So who knows .0 -
Your husband is luckyzinniemay said:Sad
I am so sad and worried, I see nothing left for me. I cry and I cry, I try to do what I can for my husband , and he is trying to do the things he always did, but it is not going so well. This Cancer has tooken over our lifes, we have two adlut children no grandchildren, Our Children call and come by.
I have 5 siblings and my husband has 3 none really bother with calling , My one brother calls about once a month to tell all about his problems and my sister calls , she will start off "How's Greg" Let me tell you about my day, and on and on she goes. His sister that calls it is always about her nose job or something silly.When he told his brother , his brother had his number changed, when he told his older sister she never called him back . All seams so petty to me, . Our "Friends" Only one called to ask if we needed help. They rest are just not there for us. We live 30 miles from any groups that we could be a aprt of. I think maybe we were not good friends, that we were never good enough. So who knows .
Your husband is very lucky to have you to take care of him. If there is anything I was thankful for was that my husband and I could tell each other anything. I talked with him two days before he died and we both made arrangements for the both of us when we go. I was happy he was a part of my plans as well as I was in his. Please don't hold back on anything you need to tell him. Both of you have each other so that is all that counts. I feel your pain with the sadness and know there are people in this forum that have been through the same things as you are going through right now. Cancer is horrible and it doesn't care who it affects. My family really didn't do much at all for us before my husband got really sick and then passed away. I have to let those feelings of anger go and concentrate on getting up each morning and help my kids deal with loosing their father. We are here for you so please yell, cry and then be there for your husband. Keeping you both in my thoughts Haley.0 -
"Cancer" close to home, makes everyone feel vulnerable!
Ellen,
When other family members fail to respond in the way we would like, it is only because they fear for their own health. You've heard the expression, "There, but for the grace of God, go I." Not everyone was immediately responsive when I was diagnosed in 1980, but some, eventually, came around. The same thing will happen for your brother. Anyone who doesn't has already made an unfortunate and ill-informed choice.
Love, Courage, and Peace of Mind!
Rick0 -
Well, some people just don't form bonds.terato said:"Cancer" close to home, makes everyone feel vulnerable!
Ellen,
When other family members fail to respond in the way we would like, it is only because they fear for their own health. You've heard the expression, "There, but for the grace of God, go I." Not everyone was immediately responsive when I was diagnosed in 1980, but some, eventually, came around. The same thing will happen for your brother. Anyone who doesn't has already made an unfortunate and ill-informed choice.
Love, Courage, and Peace of Mind!
Rick
I seriously think that the two younger girls (22+ and 29+) are not able to form compassionate or loving relationships with anyone. The facade wasn't bad (usually), but it's difficult when a daughter says that she expects her father to die -- he's old. Well, he was 69. But the tone was matter of fact and almost impersonal.
And, no, it isn't easy to cope. He deserved better. All you can do is give him as much love and care and comfort as you can. It doesn't cure the hurt, but it helps.0 -
The General
My family has effectively started calling me the general. We had a family member whowas elderly come down for a vacation while my mom was recuperating from surgery. One thing led to another. She was inconsiderate and rude so I told her to get the f*ck out of my parents house or I would whip her GD a** becuase I had asked her not to come as my mom didn't need any overnight guests at this time. Was this overkill maybe, but sometimes I finf I must speak to people in a language they understand and then there are those I leave alone. My aunt was doing a whole bunch of crazy stuff sooooo.
Ktz0 -
Ellen
I have 2 sisters 1 brother and we are all so different.
People can't give what's not inside of them. You may feel compassion, but some people are void of that feeling. Don't waste your time or energy on those that do not want to be a part of your life or your brothers. There are those in tough times that run and hide, and those that step up. Thank God for the ones that step up.
Come here for support we are here.
hugs 2 u
Jennifer0 -
after
After I wrote , I thought of my older brother Kenny he was very sick , he he was in the hospital for weeks before he died. He was my #2 of 5 brothers. My #3 brother and Kenny was very close but He Tom could not brang himself to go to the hospital , he made it to the drive way of the hospital but could not go in to say goodbye to his brother, They were born one year to the day apart. My mother who was sick (i think she was more house bound) She could not go either. I think Looking back, it is like some one said What you don't know , see or smell will not hurt you. I know that my brother Tom (#3) I know he loved my brother , he was just to scared. I did not realize this till my mother was sick and in the hospital, Tom could not even go there. I personal never had a problem going to the hospital. I know that he feels guilty and I feel sorry for Tom because he will live with this the rest of his life.
I do get angry but I am trying to figure out a way to live a life without this . Just figure if they love you they will come does not always work.0 -
don't throw in the towel
As uncaring as they seem, they probably just don't know how to help or communicate themselves. Offer ideas...
I went through the same thing with my family when I cared for my mom.
Please remember, the only person you can control is yourself.
Hang in there,
Betsy0 -
Slightly different, but along those same lines
My brother and I have always been very close, yet he's been a bit MIA as far as I'm concerned over the last couple of months. His personal and professional lives are non-stop and I know that, but I also know that he loves me. After becoming frustrated by the fact that he was only communicating if I emailed or called first, I took a step back--and a full week passed with nothing at all. Then he threw a "How's it going?" email and I told him honestly that I've been shocked not to hear from him more often. His response was that he felt he was getting "updates" from me (via email) and from my mom, so felt he was in the loop. He went on to say that he's better for practical needs, knows that if I *really* need him I'll let him know, etc.
I shared that response with my (male) therapist, whose opinion I greatly value. He said that it's a pretty standard guy reaction, but we both agree that it was good that we had the 'conversation' and at least my brother can admit to who he is/isn't. Doesn't make it right, and it doesn't make me feel any better, but I guess the truth is that IN GENERAL, men have a really tough time dealing with emotion. My thought is that most people have trouble with emotion, but I think guys may be worse--that's all.
So I guess we're at a bit of an impass; I'm not going to throw a tantrum. We're adults, I've said more than once that I'm having a rough time, and he has said that unless I need something specific that he doesn't really know what to do. I guess I'll just have to wait until I'm feeling like myself again and we'll go back to our previously scheduled relationship. I think it's sad and immature, but even for my brother, I can't spend time helping HIM right now.
The more unbelieveable piece is that 2.5 years ago he had a major skin cancer surgery (it was fully contained--no spread, no treatment, no worries) and I was the one who was there for him every step of the way because his (now ex-) wife couldn't deal with it.0 -
family and friends
this is not uncommon. it is sad to say but most people do not handle illness in others as well as they handle it in themselves. when jackie was dx my sister in law ( who i thought was also my best friend) cut me right off we were i.ming and she just disconnected from me and i have not heard from her scence. i did expect this cuz i have had other family members die of cancers but it hurts. even thogh my education says that people must be loved no matter what. i find myself letting the hate get in. there are two kinds of people those who do and those who don't. they don't even realize how much time gose by between calls and or visits. it is hard for those who are care givers and we do feel alone. we feel that there is no one who knows what we are going though. i found what i needed right here. while jackie was going though the worse of all of it i found my support here we all know what it feels like no need to explain. i have made friends here that i will hold more dear than some in my family.0 -
starting over...webozo said:family and friends
this is not uncommon. it is sad to say but most people do not handle illness in others as well as they handle it in themselves. when jackie was dx my sister in law ( who i thought was also my best friend) cut me right off we were i.ming and she just disconnected from me and i have not heard from her scence. i did expect this cuz i have had other family members die of cancers but it hurts. even thogh my education says that people must be loved no matter what. i find myself letting the hate get in. there are two kinds of people those who do and those who don't. they don't even realize how much time gose by between calls and or visits. it is hard for those who are care givers and we do feel alone. we feel that there is no one who knows what we are going though. i found what i needed right here. while jackie was going though the worse of all of it i found my support here we all know what it feels like no need to explain. i have made friends here that i will hold more dear than some in my family.
While I was/am going through this, everyone was MIA (friends, family, co-workers). My husband and kids did a good job. Unfortunately, I am starting over with new friends and family. There was no help nor support. I have found that as we grow older, it is more difficult to make friends. It seems people are already "hooked up" and there is no more room for new friends. I'm not giving up, though. I know God is in control and He will see me through.
Hang in there,
Betsy0 -
mistakesBetsy13 said:starting over...
While I was/am going through this, everyone was MIA (friends, family, co-workers). My husband and kids did a good job. Unfortunately, I am starting over with new friends and family. There was no help nor support. I have found that as we grow older, it is more difficult to make friends. It seems people are already "hooked up" and there is no more room for new friends. I'm not giving up, though. I know God is in control and He will see me through.
Hang in there,
Betsy
Betsy you are so right. It is hard to fit in. I want to just give up.0 -
fitting in...zinniemay said:mistakes
Betsy you are so right. It is hard to fit in. I want to just give up.
Zinnie~
All my life I have felt that I never "fit in". During this time in my life, I have been seeing a therapist and realize that I have issues that go back to childhood and feeling abandoned and emotionally abused.
I signed up for beginning yoga that meets on a Saturday morning. I am reaching out and making new friends. It is very difficult.
Also, I am practicing different level of communications. I am trying very hard not to let myself go below level 2. Level 1: Hi, how are you? Level 2: talk about things in general, how is the weather, did you see "title of movie or tv show" last night? What did you think about... Level 3: I think telling people what you think. Level 4: Personal conversations that you share with people you trust and who trust you, in other words, sharing your secrects that knowing that person will not tell anyone else. Level 5: those deep dark secrets that we either don't share ever or share with 1 person.
I read the book "The Present" by Spencer Johnson. It was a very insightful book. Talking about living in the present, using the past to problem solve and using the future to create goals. I am using this in my life and will be using it as I go back to teach 8th grade math/science soon.
I have wanted to give up many times, also. Have you checked with your doctor to see if you have a chemical inbalance? I found out that after my radiation, I have a chemical inbalance. I am now on an anti-depressant and it is helping. I'm not completely without depression, but definately better than I was. Sometimes life is rough and we're not prepared to handle it. That's what this site is for. Come here and vent. I have felt wonderful support from these people.
If you want to e-mail me, I can be reached at dcissurvivor@hotmail.com.
Take care of yourself,
Betsy0 -
Thank youBetsy13 said:fitting in...
Zinnie~
All my life I have felt that I never "fit in". During this time in my life, I have been seeing a therapist and realize that I have issues that go back to childhood and feeling abandoned and emotionally abused.
I signed up for beginning yoga that meets on a Saturday morning. I am reaching out and making new friends. It is very difficult.
Also, I am practicing different level of communications. I am trying very hard not to let myself go below level 2. Level 1: Hi, how are you? Level 2: talk about things in general, how is the weather, did you see "title of movie or tv show" last night? What did you think about... Level 3: I think telling people what you think. Level 4: Personal conversations that you share with people you trust and who trust you, in other words, sharing your secrects that knowing that person will not tell anyone else. Level 5: those deep dark secrets that we either don't share ever or share with 1 person.
I read the book "The Present" by Spencer Johnson. It was a very insightful book. Talking about living in the present, using the past to problem solve and using the future to create goals. I am using this in my life and will be using it as I go back to teach 8th grade math/science soon.
I have wanted to give up many times, also. Have you checked with your doctor to see if you have a chemical inbalance? I found out that after my radiation, I have a chemical inbalance. I am now on an anti-depressant and it is helping. I'm not completely without depression, but definately better than I was. Sometimes life is rough and we're not prepared to handle it. That's what this site is for. Come here and vent. I have felt wonderful support from these people.
If you want to e-mail me, I can be reached at dcissurvivor@hotmail.com.
Take care of yourself,
Betsy
I think I fix in but not the way I would like to. People like me but it is like when they want to do fun things , well they pick someone else. When they want to cry or spill their guts they come to me.
I like to talk I have no problem with that . I just have no one to talk to! My husband and I have always done pretty much everything together. I have never when grocery shopping or anything like that by myself. As I look back except for working in a factory I have never done things by myself. Heck I don't even know how to pump gas for the car. and Yes I did work and drive back and forth. But I made sure the car was filled up . I am a bad woman's Lib.
I just have got into a rut and don't seam to know how to get out of it. I do take meds for depression. My friends moved on and I did not.
Now with my husband being sick It is hard to figure out what to do and how to do it. What is best for him . Very hard for me to put into words. Itis about me but more about fixing what I messed up so I can better help him. I really suck at this cause I really do not want to make it sound like memememe. I am just lonely.0 -
No matter what age youzinniemay said:Thank you
I think I fix in but not the way I would like to. People like me but it is like when they want to do fun things , well they pick someone else. When they want to cry or spill their guts they come to me.
I like to talk I have no problem with that . I just have no one to talk to! My husband and I have always done pretty much everything together. I have never when grocery shopping or anything like that by myself. As I look back except for working in a factory I have never done things by myself. Heck I don't even know how to pump gas for the car. and Yes I did work and drive back and forth. But I made sure the car was filled up . I am a bad woman's Lib.
I just have got into a rut and don't seam to know how to get out of it. I do take meds for depression. My friends moved on and I did not.
Now with my husband being sick It is hard to figure out what to do and how to do it. What is best for him . Very hard for me to put into words. Itis about me but more about fixing what I messed up so I can better help him. I really suck at this cause I really do not want to make it sound like memememe. I am just lonely.
No matter what age you are,when people get a serious illness.."friends" or family disappear. My dad was diagnosed when he was 52 years old. Our family was there for him, but many friends he thought would be there for him,weren't. I saw how upset this made him. knowing these people his whole life & all of a sudden they're MIA.
I was just diagnosed last year at the age of 19. At first,friends were around but once I really became ill and wasn't sure if I would survive, they were gone. I would try texting them,emailing,etc.. no response. It's never easy to be let down. especially when you feel like your world is crashing down. I guess it's some people's way of coping. Even though in my opinion they aren't coping at all. They're ignoring reality.
I believe when I got sick and even now,I've realized who will be there for me through thick and thin. And to those who won't,see ya.
Hang in there and remember,things DO get better.
Thinking of you.0 -
Maybe somedayangiecarol said:No matter what age you
No matter what age you are,when people get a serious illness.."friends" or family disappear. My dad was diagnosed when he was 52 years old. Our family was there for him, but many friends he thought would be there for him,weren't. I saw how upset this made him. knowing these people his whole life & all of a sudden they're MIA.
I was just diagnosed last year at the age of 19. At first,friends were around but once I really became ill and wasn't sure if I would survive, they were gone. I would try texting them,emailing,etc.. no response. It's never easy to be let down. especially when you feel like your world is crashing down. I guess it's some people's way of coping. Even though in my opinion they aren't coping at all. They're ignoring reality.
I believe when I got sick and even now,I've realized who will be there for me through thick and thin. And to those who won't,see ya.
Hang in there and remember,things DO get better.
Thinking of you.
I wish I knew all the words to say just how sad it makes me about people. I think it is they are afraid or not sure what to say or do. Some are afraid if they ask you "what do you need" you will tell them. I just need to know that they are there. I am going to try to go to a Gilda Club meeting and se how to deal with all this. Maybe they will have some answers , if not at least I will know.
I hope it gets better.
Jennie0 -
How are you?zinniemay said:Thank you
I think I fix in but not the way I would like to. People like me but it is like when they want to do fun things , well they pick someone else. When they want to cry or spill their guts they come to me.
I like to talk I have no problem with that . I just have no one to talk to! My husband and I have always done pretty much everything together. I have never when grocery shopping or anything like that by myself. As I look back except for working in a factory I have never done things by myself. Heck I don't even know how to pump gas for the car. and Yes I did work and drive back and forth. But I made sure the car was filled up . I am a bad woman's Lib.
I just have got into a rut and don't seam to know how to get out of it. I do take meds for depression. My friends moved on and I did not.
Now with my husband being sick It is hard to figure out what to do and how to do it. What is best for him . Very hard for me to put into words. Itis about me but more about fixing what I messed up so I can better help him. I really suck at this cause I really do not want to make it sound like memememe. I am just lonely.
Zinnie ~
How are you? Hanging in there? I have to go back to work on Monday (I'm a teacher) and they did not support me. I have been dealing with this and it has caused me to be more depressed than usual. Don't know if I said it in another post, but I'm on anti-depressants.
I decided that I can do nothing about them. I see them 15 minutes in the morning and 5 minutes inbetween classes. That's it. I'm there to teach and this is my focus.
To get myself out of my rut, I signed up for a 45 minute yoga class on Saturday mornings starting 9/18. Those that went MIA will remain there. Life is too short to allow people that type of control over you.
I don't know if you can join a yoga class, pilates class, book club, something...but it may be helpful. You can go by yourself even though it is difficult because most of the other people there won't know anyone either. Go and keep it at level 2 conversation.
Start slow and easy building new friendships, keep things casual...hi, how are you; did you see the news last night and this happened; what are the popular tv/movies in your area and talk about that.
Hope this helps. PLEASE know that you are not alone in what you are feeling. If you would like to e-mail me, I can be reached at dcissurvivor@hotmail.com.
Hugs and prayers,
Betsy0
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