How do you cope with family members that don't..

zinniemay

Betsy13 said:

How are you?
Zinnie ~

How are you? Hanging in there? I have to go back to work on Monday (I'm a teacher) and they did not support me. I have been dealing with this and it has caused me to be more depressed than usual. Don't know if I said it in another post, but I'm on anti-depressants.

I decided that I can do nothing about them. I see them 15 minutes in the morning and 5 minutes inbetween classes. That's it. I'm there to teach and this is my focus.

To get myself out of my rut, I signed up for a 45 minute yoga class on Saturday mornings starting 9/18. Those that went MIA will remain there. Life is too short to allow people that type of control over you.

I don't know if you can join a yoga class, pilates class, book club, something...but it may be helpful. You can go by yourself even though it is difficult because most of the other people there won't know anyone either. Go and keep it at level 2 conversation.

Start slow and easy building new friendships, keep things casual...hi, how are you; did you see the news last night and this happened; what are the popular tv/movies in your area and talk about that.

Hope this helps. PLEASE know that you are not alone in what you are feeling. If you would like to e-mail me, I can be reached at dcissurvivor@hotmail.com.

Hugs and prayers,
Betsy

Besty I emailed you
Besty I emailed you, I am not phyiscally able to do yoga, I have a leg peg and my family calls it.
I think we expectt our friends to jump on braod and ride this with us. The people you work with you will find that if they had to go to another place to work or things like that, they would move on. I don't care if you knew them one year or 20. Very few people are true friends. They are at most co workers. They care but they don't.
I figured this out over many years. In 1985 my best friend died if Cancer. She was only 35, We spent almost always together , New Years everything, when she died the funeral there was over 300 people there, all crying and going on. It was not a funeral like I had seen it was a social hour. My friend would have laughted her head off. She knew. None of them really cared so much as they were oblagated to go. Yet she spend so much time around me? cause we were friends and she would say none of them would help her like my husband and I. She kidded my husband about when she died he better not drop her coffin (She was not a small lady). Trust me he was scared as he carried her to her resting place. We talked about open coffin closed, she would say "Hell Yes I want my coffin open so I can laugh at everyine who walk by". She was wonderiful and to this day I still miss her.
Now when my mother died at age 88 she had 8 children 27 grandchildren 40 g-grandchildren and a few gggrandchildren. How many showed up to her funeral 30 people. I know she touched helpped and loved so many people. But that was it. Not even all her grandchildren came. she had one cousin come no friends nothing. Her family is like hugh Now that was sad to me.
I am not a social climber, I don't have a fancy house, I don't go to fancy meals. I go to enjoy what few friends I have.
My husband and I plan on being creamated cause we know we could not find six people to carried our caskets. But we always planned tha. Which ever one goes first when time for the second our ashes together forever in Arkansas , Wisconsin and Michigan our home states.
It is hard to understand people . If you go to Church you have your Church friends (we don't) If to go dranking (we don't) . We met a man in Ann Arbor who was a preacher , his phone rang every second with well wishers. Our phone ranf twice one for each of or children.
Life is what you make it.

Betsy13

zinniemay said:

Besty I emailed you
Besty I emailed you, I am not phyiscally able to do yoga, I have a leg peg and my family calls it.
I think we expectt our friends to jump on braod and ride this with us. The people you work with you will find that if they had to go to another place to work or things like that, they would move on. I don't care if you knew them one year or 20. Very few people are true friends. They are at most co workers. They care but they don't.
I figured this out over many years. In 1985 my best friend died if Cancer. She was only 35, We spent almost always together , New Years everything, when she died the funeral there was over 300 people there, all crying and going on. It was not a funeral like I had seen it was a social hour. My friend would have laughted her head off. She knew. None of them really cared so much as they were oblagated to go. Yet she spend so much time around me? cause we were friends and she would say none of them would help her like my husband and I. She kidded my husband about when she died he better not drop her coffin (She was not a small lady). Trust me he was scared as he carried her to her resting place. We talked about open coffin closed, she would say "Hell Yes I want my coffin open so I can laugh at everyine who walk by". She was wonderiful and to this day I still miss her.
Now when my mother died at age 88 she had 8 children 27 grandchildren 40 g-grandchildren and a few gggrandchildren. How many showed up to her funeral 30 people. I know she touched helpped and loved so many people. But that was it. Not even all her grandchildren came. she had one cousin come no friends nothing. Her family is like hugh Now that was sad to me.
I am not a social climber, I don't have a fancy house, I don't go to fancy meals. I go to enjoy what few friends I have.
My husband and I plan on being creamated cause we know we could not find six people to carried our caskets. But we always planned tha. Which ever one goes first when time for the second our ashes together forever in Arkansas , Wisconsin and Michigan our home states.
It is hard to understand people . If you go to Church you have your Church friends (we don't) If to go dranking (we don't) . We met a man in Ann Arbor who was a preacher , his phone rang every second with well wishers. Our phone ranf twice one for each of or children.
Life is what you make it.

hi
I couldn't agree more. Life is what you make it. I am making choices that are good and healthy for me, whether anyone likes it or not. They went MIA, still haven't come around. Oh well. Their choice.

I am moving on.

I didn't get your e-mail. I don't know when you sent it but I just checked and it wasn't there. Maybe I wrote it down wrong. It's dcissurvivor@hotmail.com.

Is there a book club or maybe take up knitting or crochet? Sewing? I'm trying to think of things...

Take care of yourself,
Betsy

Pam M

Betsy13 said:

hi
I couldn't agree more. Life is what you make it. I am making choices that are good and healthy for me, whether anyone likes it or not. They went MIA, still haven't come around. Oh well. Their choice.

I am moving on.

I didn't get your e-mail. I don't know when you sent it but I just checked and it wasn't there. Maybe I wrote it down wrong. It's dcissurvivor@hotmail.com.

Is there a book club or maybe take up knitting or crochet? Sewing? I'm trying to think of things...

Take care of yourself,
Betsy

support groups
Around here, we have a group called "Wellness Community" - it's a support group setting for cancer patients and their caregivers. Some are caregivers, some survivors. There are some social activities people can participate in, some seminars, some yoga, visualization, etc. classes. I haven't been yet, but keep telling myself I'm going to. I know that in some areas, Gilda's Club serves the same function. Maybe you could ask docs about what's available in your area - they may or may not have info. A "work friend" (ownerof cleaning servicein my old office building - I was a workaholic whowould usually still be in the office when the crew camein to clean), let me know that his wife loved the group, and had joined a sub group of people who were longer term survivors - groups were set up so that people would be surrounded by folks with similar issues/interests - this sub group has some meetings that are cancer-related, and some that are strictly social.

kimmygarland

Pam M said:

support groups
Around here, we have a group called "Wellness Community" - it's a support group setting for cancer patients and their caregivers. Some are caregivers, some survivors. There are some social activities people can participate in, some seminars, some yoga, visualization, etc. classes. I haven't been yet, but keep telling myself I'm going to. I know that in some areas, Gilda's Club serves the same function. Maybe you could ask docs about what's available in your area - they may or may not have info. A "work friend" (ownerof cleaning servicein my old office building - I was a workaholic whowould usually still be in the office when the crew camein to clean), let me know that his wife loved the group, and had joined a sub group of people who were longer term survivors - groups were set up so that people would be surrounded by folks with similar issues/interests - this sub group has some meetings that are cancer-related, and some that are strictly social.

I am so glad
I found this thread. I THOUGHT we had lots of friends... since Bobs original diagnosis and ongoing treatment/recovery/recurrence they have mostly all disappeared. Oh once in a while they might call or email, but I think it is just curiosity. Some dont even know about the recurrence because they haven't bothered to call and I will not be bothered to reach out to them. If i sound bitter, I AM. My dad once told me if you are lucky in life, you will have enough friends to count on two hands instead of just one. I thought he was crazy as I thought I had all these friends. Now I understand what he meant. When this is all over, I will not be reestablishing those relationships. I will probably be lonely (hell, I already am lonely) but that is just life i guess.

Then there are family members. I am so disappointed in my husband's daughter I could just scream. She lives about a 14 hour drive from us, and he insists that she not come for the surgery. I disagree. She needs to be here. Our son who lives with us (just graduated college) will my main helper in caregiving after hubby's surgery. Guess I can't depend on anyone else. My parents will help, but my mother only wants to do what is convenient for her. When he was in chemo/rads, she did nothing, but sent my dad to help with driving Bob to rads every day. She is too busy with her social life. Continues to ask me to accompany her to outings - and I am like DUH... do you see what is going on here?? Ugh.

It is amazing what you learn about people during adversity. Of course,I have changed to, and I must say some bitterness has crept in (obviously, from this post) and I am not proud of that.

I guess I am rambling... sorry about that!

Pennymac02

kimmygarland said:

I am so glad
I found this thread. I THOUGHT we had lots of friends... since Bobs original diagnosis and ongoing treatment/recovery/recurrence they have mostly all disappeared. Oh once in a while they might call or email, but I think it is just curiosity. Some dont even know about the recurrence because they haven't bothered to call and I will not be bothered to reach out to them. If i sound bitter, I AM. My dad once told me if you are lucky in life, you will have enough friends to count on two hands instead of just one. I thought he was crazy as I thought I had all these friends. Now I understand what he meant. When this is all over, I will not be reestablishing those relationships. I will probably be lonely (hell, I already am lonely) but that is just life i guess.

Then there are family members. I am so disappointed in my husband's daughter I could just scream. She lives about a 14 hour drive from us, and he insists that she not come for the surgery. I disagree. She needs to be here. Our son who lives with us (just graduated college) will my main helper in caregiving after hubby's surgery. Guess I can't depend on anyone else. My parents will help, but my mother only wants to do what is convenient for her. When he was in chemo/rads, she did nothing, but sent my dad to help with driving Bob to rads every day. She is too busy with her social life. Continues to ask me to accompany her to outings - and I am like DUH... do you see what is going on here?? Ugh.

It is amazing what you learn about people during adversity. Of course,I have changed to, and I must say some bitterness has crept in (obviously, from this post) and I am not proud of that.

I guess I am rambling... sorry about that!

No Need
No need to be sorry. The bitterness just seems to creep in, although I try like heck not to let it. Some days I have tons of compassion, for my husband, his family, myself, and the ignorant "others"; sometimes I just don't. I wanted to tell some one off at the grocery store the other day for being chippy and asking "How are you?". I wanted to yell CANCER; and then I wanted to ask, why are you asking that question when you obviously don't want to know the answer? And I went to a BBQ the other day, Mike was supposed to come, but he didn't feel well. So I went alone. They were very nice and cordial, but I could tell that they were relieved when I left, too. What was that about? On the other hand, our roof had a small leak from all of the rain the other day, and a friend came over immediately and helped us clean off the roof. That's the way my new normal is, I suppose. Up and down, down and up; my moods swing that way too, just to keep things interesting. I used to blame it on menopause; now I can blame something else.

Betsy13

kimmygarland said:

I am so glad
I found this thread. I THOUGHT we had lots of friends... since Bobs original diagnosis and ongoing treatment/recovery/recurrence they have mostly all disappeared. Oh once in a while they might call or email, but I think it is just curiosity. Some dont even know about the recurrence because they haven't bothered to call and I will not be bothered to reach out to them. If i sound bitter, I AM. My dad once told me if you are lucky in life, you will have enough friends to count on two hands instead of just one. I thought he was crazy as I thought I had all these friends. Now I understand what he meant. When this is all over, I will not be reestablishing those relationships. I will probably be lonely (hell, I already am lonely) but that is just life i guess.

Then there are family members. I am so disappointed in my husband's daughter I could just scream. She lives about a 14 hour drive from us, and he insists that she not come for the surgery. I disagree. She needs to be here. Our son who lives with us (just graduated college) will my main helper in caregiving after hubby's surgery. Guess I can't depend on anyone else. My parents will help, but my mother only wants to do what is convenient for her. When he was in chemo/rads, she did nothing, but sent my dad to help with driving Bob to rads every day. She is too busy with her social life. Continues to ask me to accompany her to outings - and I am like DUH... do you see what is going on here?? Ugh.

It is amazing what you learn about people during adversity. Of course,I have changed to, and I must say some bitterness has crept in (obviously, from this post) and I am not proud of that.

I guess I am rambling... sorry about that!

Bitter? Yes, I am.
While going through this wonderful cancer, I found the only people I could count on was my husband, two teenagers, and one friend 3 hours away. That's it. Cousin and in-laws live 10 minutes from me. Friends? MIA. Co-workers? MIA

I have started working again on Monday (I teach) and everyone is "so concerned". Where were you during radiation and I went without dinner because I was too tired to get something for myself and no family was home? You couldn't call or send a card? Was it too much?

I was severely depressed and am on anti-depressants. I have to get through this school year and next...that will give me 5 years in an urban school teaching math/science and I will receive $17,000 towards my student loan. If I didn't have this goal, I would be gone.

I am starting a yoga class on 9/18. I am starting my life over again and making new friends. I don't know how close they will be, but hopefully someone who wants to go to dinner and a movie every now and then. Maybe a couple that my husband and I can do something with every now and then.

I will be bringing my pillow and sleeping bag to work so I can sleep during plan time. I am strong, I will survive cancer, and I will become the person God has meant for me to be...because of and in spite of the people in my life.

Yes, I ramble also!

Nana b

Betsy13 said:

Bitter? Yes, I am.
While going through this wonderful cancer, I found the only people I could count on was my husband, two teenagers, and one friend 3 hours away. That's it. Cousin and in-laws live 10 minutes from me. Friends? MIA. Co-workers? MIA

I have started working again on Monday (I teach) and everyone is "so concerned". Where were you during radiation and I went without dinner because I was too tired to get something for myself and no family was home? You couldn't call or send a card? Was it too much?

I was severely depressed and am on anti-depressants. I have to get through this school year and next...that will give me 5 years in an urban school teaching math/science and I will receive $17,000 towards my student loan. If I didn't have this goal, I would be gone.

I am starting a yoga class on 9/18. I am starting my life over again and making new friends. I don't know how close they will be, but hopefully someone who wants to go to dinner and a movie every now and then. Maybe a couple that my husband and I can do something with every now and then.

I will be bringing my pillow and sleeping bag to work so I can sleep during plan time. I am strong, I will survive cancer, and I will become the person God has meant for me to be...because of and in spite of the people in my life.

Yes, I ramble also!

Hi Everyone
We have a lot of fiends on the colorectal board, come visit us and chat! We would love to have you all...... you are not alone!