I envy you all

carkris said:

getting cancer and treatment
getting cancer and treatment is a trauma, people develop PTSD after cancer, especially higher rates for people who have gone through other traumas. You might see a therapist who talk about this. If you look at how far you have come, from your upbringing, that is a success. You rose above it, and have made something different of your life and that is huge. Not all of us go on to be rock stars, its the small things we do that make a difference. You will start to feel better physically, and then you will feel like doing something. perhaps you can volunteer. I am hoping to drive people to chemo. take baby steps but dont sit around letting yourself be sad, some grieving is healthy and we all have a good cry once in a while(or more than once in a while he he)but dont dwell in this as you are wasting your gift. You are a fighter, do what you do best! Take this as an opportunity to examine your life and change it, I have done this too. "its not the cards you are dealt, its the way you play them" this does stink, but it gets better. hang in there better days are coming. keep posting, and listen to these wise ladies and sometimes gentlemen they know what they are talking about, hugs

If I may, I have one more thing to add...
Not to sound like it's so easy to get beyond this, but I have found what helps me is to focus on others and their problems--like volunteering or helping someone in need whether it's to listen to them talk, run an errand, relieve a young mom for an hour or two by taking her child to a movie--I have done all of that and more and it mainly helps me more than the other person. It allows you to feel good about yourself and to feel that you matter. Doesn't have to be a big thing--even the smallest thing that you do for someone else can brighten your day.

Good Luck, Renee

Absolutely no offense
taken. You are completely valid in your feelings and emotions. As I am sure you have read all of the smart ladies who have responded to this thread before me, You are not alone. Yes, it feels that way. We are all dealing with that unthinkable thing that no one likes to talk about or deal with. It sucks! It sucks more than those cutesy t shirts can convey. But- YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Please- you have reached out to us, haven't you? Now, reach out to a professional. Your journey still lays ahead. Please know that you matter very much. This cancer dx does not define you! Please make the call- you are in my heart and prayers-xo, Jackie

jackiejhm said:

Absolutely no offense
taken. You are completely valid in your feelings and emotions. As I am sure you have read all of the smart ladies who have responded to this thread before me, You are not alone. Yes, it feels that way. We are all dealing with that unthinkable thing that no one likes to talk about or deal with. It sucks! It sucks more than those cutesy t shirts can convey. But- YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Please- you have reached out to us, haven't you? Now, reach out to a professional. Your journey still lays ahead. Please know that you matter very much. This cancer dx does not define you! Please make the call- you are in my heart and prayers-xo, Jackie

So sad...
Our dear sisters here have posted words of encouragement, support and hope, along with suggestions for how Fiona can pull up her big girl panties and try to make a difference in her own life. This is a terrible disease, no one denies that. How we deal with it is another thing entirely. I don't expect anyone to help me if I'm not willing first to help myself.
Fiona, I will pray for you. It's the best help I can offer, since I don't know you or where you are. God Bless. Gracie

By the way, am I the only one to notice that the theme in this thread is very similar to one that was removed on 8/12 "Lonlier after each treatment" ?

sbmly53 said:

Where do you live?
If any one of us were close, I'm sure we would be happy to meet or talk on the phone. Post your city. Private message your phone number.

I'm sorry for your sadness. All of us have suffered here and we are doing our best. We don't know everyone's background, but I can bet, some of us did not have an easy life - and now cancer.

Sue

Hope you're wrong, Gracie!
I missed that one. I really hope you're wrong. :-\

Been their
You are depress I thought that I didn't need to get help. But I felt just like you the only different was I had family and friends and still felt lonely and felt like I didn't want to be here. Until I talk to another bc person and she told me I was depressed and I need to talk with my doctor and there was nothing wrong with getting help. Believe it or not it work I start feeling good about myself. Please go see someone it will make u feel better we all been through this and we are here for you maybe not in person but in sprited so you are not alone we understand and we truly care.

Big Cyber Hug

Barbara

I envy you all
Dear F.C.
What can I do to help. I care about what you're going through and I can care about you if you let me. I had a lot of support from friends and family during some horrific cancer treatments. I can't imagine being alone through it. I'll send you my email address if you want. Let me know. Kathy

24242 said:

Fiona
Your right most of us have felt like this. 14 years later I too look back at my life and wonder how one gets back to it when it looks like nothing I have worked hard for. I still have a relationship but that too has been a struggle for the past 14 years since my dx for cancer. Our life together has turned out like nothing we had hoped for.
Know that you are not alone and I am glad you came here because you are with people who have the capacity to truly understand. Life isn't easy and we are reminded of that constantly. I gave my life to my friends and very few are around to help me along the way, but the ones that are have carried me thus far and I am very grateful.
No most of our lives are left in shambles and it can take us the rest of our lives to feel like we actually have a life to live. I still struggle with survivor guilt after all these years and am truly seeing it now that I am starting to have friends die and get this horrid disease but life goes on and we are either IN it or OUT of it. I choose to living my life and find the things that I am so very grateful for and I hang onto them with my DEAR life and that seems to bring things into better percpective for me.
I am sorry you feel as you do but please read through posts and feel the help surrounding you because that is why most of us are here to help ourselves and to maybe help someone else.

Hang in there Fiona because life is Worth Living...
Tara

Fiona .. How are you doing today ?
Please let us know .. as we are all worried and concerned for you.


Vicki

Fiona
No, nothing about cancer is "honky dory".....Even WITHOUT cancer some people's lives are not honky dory! What I have learned through this terrible "journey" with breast cancer is this...You can have the BEST surgeon, the BEST oncologist, the BEST radiation oncologist, the BEST treatment, the BEST family, the BEST supportive friends,the BEST prognosis etc.............BUT.........and there is the perverbial BUT......there's only one person that can make you whole, mentally again and that is YOU! I dare say there's very few of us who have not had more than one "pity party" for ourselves and that is so NORMAL.....family, friends, etc are so very important in waging our battle but in the end it is ourself and only ourself that can bring us back from the brink....That means, if we need therapy, anti-depressents, silence, solitude, what ever it takes.......it is only yourself that can make these things work... I have put things into prospective the last 16b months.......My "mantra" is this......There is ALWAYS going to be someone better off than you and ALWAYS someone worse off....no matter what your station in life is......example: I watch my female friends going about their daily routine without the worry of having to deal with breast cancer,(even though some have had a pretty crappy life) they are happy and cannot comprehend what I have been through, hard as they try...I envy that "freedom"........THEN......There's my best friend of 25 years........I am watching her die, slowly, of the worst form of brain cancer there is..(not related to bc in anyway)...She has been fighting this for almost two years....she's lived one year beyond what was expected with her form of brain cancer. She is living each day with the attitude, "I am going to beat this," even though she isn't going to.......she can barely walk, has lost the use of her left arm and now her speech is starting to go....she has two children........SO IS SHE WORSE OFF THAN ME??? YOU BET CHA! I promise you she'd trade places with me and my "breast cancer" any day! That puts things in perfect perspective for me.....Watching her go through this, does not allow me to feel sorry for myself......
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but again I say, you have to do this for yourself...no one else can do this for you.......but there is help, if you open yourself up to it.....there's the past and there is the PRESENT........That's why they call today the "PRESENT".........it's a gift......take advantage of today........

I wish you the very best......
And I wish you peace

FionaC said:

JoJo
I really appreciate you sharing your story with me. It really helped me, just to know that someone similar to me
it out there and fighting along me.

I really didn't appreciate some of you questioning my posts. Is it really that far fetched that someone is truly hurting
from this experience? Especially if that someone is having to go it all alone?
You will never know what I went through and how I got where I am till you walked a mile in my shoes. That is why
I would never question anyone's feelings or fears on this board. We come from all walks of life. And some of us
et doled out so much more than others. I am not asking for pity but for compassion.

To tell you about myself, I was diagnosed with stage 2 HER positve 2 years ago, had a lumpectomy, chemo and
radiation. That time around - I had some support and I pushed and made it through. Then came the news no one
wants to hear recurrence. This time I had a bilateral mastectomy and this time I had to do it pretty much on my own.
It was as if people felt I was a hopeless cause.

And I have to tell you all, I feel a lot better. I was in a lot pain, complications during my mastectomy and hadn't
slept well in over week. I broke down and asked for sleeping pills and a few days of deep sleep worked wonders
on me.

Please accept my apologies if I upset anyone,that was not my intent. I was just exhausted and my guard was down.

And thank you for all your kind words, I can't tell you how much they meant to me. When I posted first, I really felt
that I was in a place where words couldn't reach me, I wanted someone to hold me and tell me I was going to be
ok, but you proved me wrong. All your posts really touched and warmed my heart.

F.C

Fiona
We all have compasion
Fiona
We all have compasion for you thats why we responded, but i dont think anyone ment to question your feelings...it may have come across to you that way but i truely think everyone here had the best of intentions and are very concerned about you.
To add to this everyone has their weak moments and lets their guard down...its ok we have all done it...heck ive done it a few times!
Im glad it sounds like your feelin better with some much needed sleep.
I think we all need a hug and someone telling us its going to be ok...we are human and that is our nature but we are all giving you cyber hugs!