I envy you all
And I have to say I admire you all for your feistiness.
I think I lost to cancer. Cancer broke my spirit and
made me invisible.I was alone to begin with, busy chasing
a career. Now my loneliness, is just unbearable. Looking
my own mortality in the face, it just seems like I wasted
a life time. Worst of all, I never even really had any success.
No success, no family - what should I fight for?
I haven't left my house in over 3 months. When I do
I usually come home and cry. I hate the looks I get
and am tired of pretending that I don't care. Tired
of being cheerful and overly hopeful. I had the full
cancer special - chemo, radiation and two surgeries...
Yeay me.
I know what you are going to say, support group.
Been there, after the meeting everyone returns to
their lives no one cares. it's all talk, SO MUCH talk.
I played the game, even threw parties- wigs and all.
Why do I have to pretend, when I really feel like I can't
go on anymore. No correction, I don't want to. If I have
gotten only this far in life before cancer, it seems to me
my future is bleak.
sorry if I depressed anyone... but it's not all honkey dory
in cancer land.
F.C
Comments
-
NO ITS NOT ALL HONKEY DORY
NO ITS NOT ALL HONKEY DORY IN CANCERLAND!
Most of us in here have had many trials thru our journey with cancer right along with the cancer itself. Some broken marriages, family members pulling away, friends leaving, loneliness ect ect...then we have to deal with the cancer itself. Nothing goes accorrding to plan we all have the weird little corks and lots of set backs and bumps in the road and the list goes on and on. We even have a few melt downs during it.
But you have to pick your butt up and fight back. Im sorry if this came out mean im not meaning it to, I have the best intentions but it just breaks my heart when i hear someone wants to give up and let the cancer win when you have such a gift as life.
Not everyone is ment for support groups and strangly enough thats why some of us come to this board, you can be yourself and people here are caring loving supportive people.
You have been watching this board for awhile and you could of just stayed invisible or show yourself...you showed yourself...that gives me hope that you havent totally given up.
If you need to talk someone is always here. We will give you tons of support in here.
Cancer isnt easy and im sorry you have to go thru it alone and their are a few other good people in here going thru the same thing. Please just dont give up!0 -
I agreejo jo said:NO ITS NOT ALL HONKEY DORY
NO ITS NOT ALL HONKEY DORY IN CANCERLAND!
Most of us in here have had many trials thru our journey with cancer right along with the cancer itself. Some broken marriages, family members pulling away, friends leaving, loneliness ect ect...then we have to deal with the cancer itself. Nothing goes accorrding to plan we all have the weird little corks and lots of set backs and bumps in the road and the list goes on and on. We even have a few melt downs during it.
But you have to pick your butt up and fight back. Im sorry if this came out mean im not meaning it to, I have the best intentions but it just breaks my heart when i hear someone wants to give up and let the cancer win when you have such a gift as life.
Not everyone is ment for support groups and strangly enough thats why some of us come to this board, you can be yourself and people here are caring loving supportive people.
You have been watching this board for awhile and you could of just stayed invisible or show yourself...you showed yourself...that gives me hope that you havent totally given up.
If you need to talk someone is always here. We will give you tons of support in here.
Cancer isnt easy and im sorry you have to go thru it alone and their are a few other good people in here going thru the same thing. Please just dont give up!
Well said Jo Jo. Fiona, you probably could not say anything on here that someone else has not experienced and I don't think we will ever judge you...so feel free to say anything that is on your mind. I am sorry that you are feeling so low and Jo Jo is right support groups are not for everyone.Even with great support there are times when we all feel low, so it is understandable that it would be so for you. However, sometimes, cancer can be a wake up call. None of us know how long we have to live...even those without cancer...so we know we have to make every day count in some little way. I don't mean to say that it is easy. I'll be thinking of you and hopefully brighter days are ahead for you....if not come here and chat.0 -
I know there have been days
I know there have been days that I have felt the same way. Mad, sad, angry, depressed and tired. Not wanting to leave the house, days where I want to crawl in a hole. Not sure what your diagnosis is or how much more treatment you have to go. It sounds like you are done with some of it though. Yesterday I had a port surgery, had a mastectomy in June, and this Thursday I start chemo. I am scared to death. It sounds like you are already through that...I envy you for being on the other side.
You asked what should you fight for? Fight for you. You have already come this far. I know it is tiring to pretend all is well. My sister after her miscarriage starting saying she was going to "fake it till she makes it." That is what I will do to. Eventually things will look up again and our lives will resume a more normal feel. We are here for you! Fight for you!0 -
Girl, if you feel as if
Girl, if you feel as if you've wasted a life time, you are unhappy,and feel as though you are not successful, well, that's good 'cause now you are sure of what you don't want! Are you done with treatments? Take this alone time and write out how you would like your life to look. Journaling helps you get clear on what you want. Then take baby steps towards achieving those small goals. Think about things you used to enjoy. Reading? join a book club, art? take classes. Gardening? It's a way to meet new people who share some of your interests. What do you feel you should have accomplished by now? Is it realistic? Why is it important? What can you do now to get on the right track? The past is done, you learn, you grow and you move on. What do you want for your future? Dream, plan, do!0 -
Have you told your doctors?bakerette said:Girl, if you feel as if
Girl, if you feel as if you've wasted a life time, you are unhappy,and feel as though you are not successful, well, that's good 'cause now you are sure of what you don't want! Are you done with treatments? Take this alone time and write out how you would like your life to look. Journaling helps you get clear on what you want. Then take baby steps towards achieving those small goals. Think about things you used to enjoy. Reading? join a book club, art? take classes. Gardening? It's a way to meet new people who share some of your interests. What do you feel you should have accomplished by now? Is it realistic? Why is it important? What can you do now to get on the right track? The past is done, you learn, you grow and you move on. What do you want for your future? Dream, plan, do!
I have a very long experience with clinical depression. It can leave a person feeling empty and hopeless. None of us is joyful after a cancer diagnosis but for some of us a cancer diagnosis can trigger a serious depression issue. Please tell your doctors what you are feeling. Medication may help you get back your life and help you to look at things differently. My son went through a depression and at first I tried to help him with encouraging words. However his brain chemistry was screwed up and he needed help to get his brain chemistry in balance. He sounded a lot like you. He said he was a failure and had nothing to live for and he was only 18 years old. Please talk to your doctors and see if medication makes sense for you. You can feel good again!
Roseann0 -
FionaC, I'm so sorry you'rebakerette said:Girl, if you feel as if
Girl, if you feel as if you've wasted a life time, you are unhappy,and feel as though you are not successful, well, that's good 'cause now you are sure of what you don't want! Are you done with treatments? Take this alone time and write out how you would like your life to look. Journaling helps you get clear on what you want. Then take baby steps towards achieving those small goals. Think about things you used to enjoy. Reading? join a book club, art? take classes. Gardening? It's a way to meet new people who share some of your interests. What do you feel you should have accomplished by now? Is it realistic? Why is it important? What can you do now to get on the right track? The past is done, you learn, you grow and you move on. What do you want for your future? Dream, plan, do!
FionaC, I'm so sorry you're feeling so extremely down and depressed right now and have had such a rough time of it. Yes, cancer truly sucks. But life can be pretty great anyway if we determine it to be. Forget about whatever you don't think you've accomplished before all this. Say "screw it", ditch it, and look at this as a new start. "Dream, plan, do!" as bakerette said. If you're feeling this down about things, it can't get any worse right? So what do you have to lose? What is the life you *want* to have? What do you want to do? Could you get out of the house a little bit, maybe find a quiet spot in a nice park or something like that and do a little reflection? Get yourself a notebook and just start writing down thoughts or ideas?
Thinking about you, lady. Take care,
Emilyfimily0 -
Fione, I hate to say it, but
Fione, I hate to say it, but your post really is depressing. My recommendation for you is to begin a new day with a totally new outlook. There certainly must be things in your life that interest you. Now is the time to pursue them. Make sure it is something that is realistic so you can see the fruits of your efforts. Then, continue to take one day at a time. You are definately on the right site if you are looking for encouragement. Better yet, lately the readings on this board have had plenty of humor, too. Laughter is a wonderful thing for your positive well being. Good luck!!0 -
I can feel your pain through your post, FionaJean 0609 said:Hey Fiona,
Sending positive thoughts, prayers & hugs your way. I can't say anything else that everyone hasn't already posted above. We are all here for you. Hang in there! Hugs, Jean
First of all, most of us have felt the way you do at one time or another. We've been through every emotion, felt the loneliness, sadness, anger, disbelief, hopelessness. In the beginning of my journey, I felt like I was in a black hole--so deep that I would never find a way to climb out. But, I did. It was a choice I made. In my mind, I could play this hand I was dealt in two ways--I could succumb to my grief and stay in my black hole (which felt horrible) OR I could chose to use every fiber in my being to get my life back--get energized, get positive, get well. I spoke to a good friend of mine (who is also a physician) and was brutally honest with my feelings. He put me on Zoloft (an anti-depressant). I started getting out of the house--even just walking outside, looking around, seeing the sky. I made myself do something I enjoyed every day--either reading, or going to Starbuck's for a special coffee, I laughed at something every day--even just the absurdity that had become my life. If you don't have someone you can be honest with--a therapist might be in order. Just talking all this out can really help.
Fiona, you deserve to be happy and have the life you were meant to have--whatever that is. But, YOU make it happen. Make the steps--baby steps at first--you'll be glad you did.
Hugs, Renee0 -
Know where you are coming from
This journey has knocked me on my butt a number of times. Takes alittle time to get my fighting spirit back together. And yes there have been times when I have thought my life has been a total waste. But you know I am making kind of a bucket list now. I am sitting new priorities and new goals for what I want to accomplish in my life so that I can say at the end my life did have meaning.
I have had chronic depression all my adult life. And I have went thru some severe depressions. But I have never been suicidal because I know everything is temporary. With that knowledge I have been able to ride it out. That same knowledge is what gets me thru this cancer journy. Right now it is in the my life sucks stage but give it some time and you will move out of that stage.
Wish you lived close to Springfield, MO because I would come get you and we would go have some fun!0 -
I wish I had something new to add to our previouslyMyTurnNow said:Fione, I hate to say it, but
Fione, I hate to say it, but your post really is depressing. My recommendation for you is to begin a new day with a totally new outlook. There certainly must be things in your life that interest you. Now is the time to pursue them. Make sure it is something that is realistic so you can see the fruits of your efforts. Then, continue to take one day at a time. You are definately on the right site if you are looking for encouragement. Better yet, lately the readings on this board have had plenty of humor, too. Laughter is a wonderful thing for your positive well being. Good luck!!
posted comments ... but, I don't. Decide this is the DAY, that you change your life, goals and the way you face difficulties. Only you have the POWER to make the change - we are all faced with tragedy -- darkness and illness, the only difference is that we choose to fight like the devil each day - step by step, 1 foot in front of the other. I'm not saying life is a breeze, or piece of cake for any of us .. All I'm saying is that we choose the mood in which we approach each day of our lives.
Have yourself a good cry, take a shower .. get out a booklet of paper and write down everything you are grateful for .. even if it's a singing bird outside .. add to your notebook - everyday.
Call your Onc get in to see him or her, contact breast cancer centers in your area and see if there is a support group out there near by.
Believe me when I say ... It's up to you and no one else. Take back your life!
Strength and Courage:
Vicki Sam0 -
I just want to tell youJean 0609 said:Hey Fiona,
Sending positive thoughts, prayers & hugs your way. I can't say anything else that everyone hasn't already posted above. We are all here for you. Hang in there! Hugs, Jean
I just want to tell you Fiona that I will pray for you and I hope that you find brighter days ahead of you, cause there are!
♡ Diane0 -
Sorry I upset youMyTurnNow said:Fione, I hate to say it, but
Fione, I hate to say it, but your post really is depressing. My recommendation for you is to begin a new day with a totally new outlook. There certainly must be things in your life that interest you. Now is the time to pursue them. Make sure it is something that is realistic so you can see the fruits of your efforts. Then, continue to take one day at a time. You are definately on the right site if you are looking for encouragement. Better yet, lately the readings on this board have had plenty of humor, too. Laughter is a wonderful thing for your positive well being. Good luck!!
but I wouldn't have written if I wasn't at the end
of my rope.
Sure there are things that interest me. I am just too damn
tired to do them. I used to be very athletic and I miss that.
F.C0 -
No offense takenjo jo said:NO ITS NOT ALL HONKEY DORY
NO ITS NOT ALL HONKEY DORY IN CANCERLAND!
Most of us in here have had many trials thru our journey with cancer right along with the cancer itself. Some broken marriages, family members pulling away, friends leaving, loneliness ect ect...then we have to deal with the cancer itself. Nothing goes accorrding to plan we all have the weird little corks and lots of set backs and bumps in the road and the list goes on and on. We even have a few melt downs during it.
But you have to pick your butt up and fight back. Im sorry if this came out mean im not meaning it to, I have the best intentions but it just breaks my heart when i hear someone wants to give up and let the cancer win when you have such a gift as life.
Not everyone is ment for support groups and strangly enough thats why some of us come to this board, you can be yourself and people here are caring loving supportive people.
You have been watching this board for awhile and you could of just stayed invisible or show yourself...you showed yourself...that gives me hope that you havent totally given up.
If you need to talk someone is always here. We will give you tons of support in here.
Cancer isnt easy and im sorry you have to go thru it alone and their are a few other good people in here going thru the same thing. Please just dont give up!
I know tough love when I see it.
My situation is a little more complex. I have been in the US for over 15 years
now, 10 of which I worked at least two jobs just to get by. I couldn't get good
jobs they wouldn't hire me without a greencard. I came here to get away from
my old life. I come from a home with illiterate parents and a physically abusive father.
I thought I knew how to live a different life but it's just not working. At 32
when I got the green card I started to take some college classes. I haven been
pretty much fending for myself since I am 13 (my first job). I feel like I don't
know how to act in your world. I tried to educate myself but there's still a
lot I don't know.
Prior to cancer I worked so hard, I had no time to think about what if's. But
now I am scared. Scared because I have seen that some people just have a
sad life and that's that - no happy ending. I saw it happening to my mom.
She married my dad young, very young, had kids, got beaten up and fought
my dad to get food on the table for us.Yep he didn't even do that much.
She suffered a lot in her life, diabetes got the better of her, she died young.
All our clothes came from bags that other people put out on the street for
charity organizations to pick up. Nothing ever fit me needless to say.
A lot of people were sorry for us children. And I hated that.
Now it feels like people are sorry for me again. They can't even look at me.
It hurts me very much.
What I really need is not medicine or therapy. I wish I had a home to go
to with people that cared for and carried me for a while till I can stand
alone again. I just feel depleted.
So go ahead and judge me all you want... do you think I don['t want to
feel better, be more hopeful? I don't recognize myself anymore.
F.C0 -
Strength & derminationFionaC said:No offense taken
I know tough love when I see it.
My situation is a little more complex. I have been in the US for over 15 years
now, 10 of which I worked at least two jobs just to get by. I couldn't get good
jobs they wouldn't hire me without a greencard. I came here to get away from
my old life. I come from a home with illiterate parents and a physically abusive father.
I thought I knew how to live a different life but it's just not working. At 32
when I got the green card I started to take some college classes. I haven been
pretty much fending for myself since I am 13 (my first job). I feel like I don't
know how to act in your world. I tried to educate myself but there's still a
lot I don't know.
Prior to cancer I worked so hard, I had no time to think about what if's. But
now I am scared. Scared because I have seen that some people just have a
sad life and that's that - no happy ending. I saw it happening to my mom.
She married my dad young, very young, had kids, got beaten up and fought
my dad to get food on the table for us.Yep he didn't even do that much.
She suffered a lot in her life, diabetes got the better of her, she died young.
All our clothes came from bags that other people put out on the street for
charity organizations to pick up. Nothing ever fit me needless to say.
A lot of people were sorry for us children. And I hated that.
Now it feels like people are sorry for me again. They can't even look at me.
It hurts me very much.
What I really need is not medicine or therapy. I wish I had a home to go
to with people that cared for and carried me for a while till I can stand
alone again. I just feel depleted.
So go ahead and judge me all you want... do you think I don['t want to
feel better, be more hopeful? I don't recognize myself anymore.
F.C
First...how to act in this world is in being yourself and from what I have just read you are one hell of a strong and determined woman ..to leave your Country and fend for yourself...striving for a better life. You haven't had it easy...thats for sure...but don't let yourself give up on everything you have worked so hard to do. That, right there is a sucess in itself...and a big one. Don't lose your determination that has gotten you this far!!!!!!!!!! You have worked to hard for it and there are happy endings and you do have the strengh..you have already proven it...I don't feel sorry for you.... because I think you are strong..and simply need to be heard....and you have a home, right here....some of us can only use one arm, but it is strong, we all carry eachother...and that feels like home for me. You are still in there..pull her back out..and recognize yourself again. You have a home here.0 -
getting cancer and treatmentsweetvickid said:Know where you are coming from
This journey has knocked me on my butt a number of times. Takes alittle time to get my fighting spirit back together. And yes there have been times when I have thought my life has been a total waste. But you know I am making kind of a bucket list now. I am sitting new priorities and new goals for what I want to accomplish in my life so that I can say at the end my life did have meaning.
I have had chronic depression all my adult life. And I have went thru some severe depressions. But I have never been suicidal because I know everything is temporary. With that knowledge I have been able to ride it out. That same knowledge is what gets me thru this cancer journy. Right now it is in the my life sucks stage but give it some time and you will move out of that stage.
Wish you lived close to Springfield, MO because I would come get you and we would go have some fun!
getting cancer and treatment is a trauma, people develop PTSD after cancer, especially higher rates for people who have gone through other traumas. You might see a therapist who talk about this. If you look at how far you have come, from your upbringing, that is a success. You rose above it, and have made something different of your life and that is huge. Not all of us go on to be rock stars, its the small things we do that make a difference. You will start to feel better physically, and then you will feel like doing something. perhaps you can volunteer. I am hoping to drive people to chemo. take baby steps but dont sit around letting yourself be sad, some grieving is healthy and we all have a good cry once in a while(or more than once in a while he he)but dont dwell in this as you are wasting your gift. You are a fighter, do what you do best! Take this as an opportunity to examine your life and change it, I have done this too. "its not the cards you are dealt, its the way you play them" this does stink, but it gets better. hang in there better days are coming. keep posting, and listen to these wise ladies and sometimes gentlemen they know what they are talking about, hugs0 -
Keep GoingFionaC said:Sorry I upset you
but I wouldn't have written if I wasn't at the end
of my rope.
Sure there are things that interest me. I am just too damn
tired to do them. I used to be very athletic and I miss that.
F.C
Fiona I'm so sorry for all you have been through. You have certainly hard a tough life and no one can deny that. We all want our family to love and care about us. Unfortunately not everyone can have that. Do you have one person you are close to? Maybe a short get together with them once a week would improve things. You have survived so much in your life because you are a figher and don't give up now. Our past is our past we can't change it but we can learn from it and change our future. Take one day when you feel OK and do something just for a little while. I've found I have to force myself at times and I"m glad I do. How far into treatment are you and what are you taking? We are all here for you so just keep writing. We may not totally understand but we will do our best to help.
Janie0 -
I just had to reply onceFionaC said:No offense taken
I know tough love when I see it.
My situation is a little more complex. I have been in the US for over 15 years
now, 10 of which I worked at least two jobs just to get by. I couldn't get good
jobs they wouldn't hire me without a greencard. I came here to get away from
my old life. I come from a home with illiterate parents and a physically abusive father.
I thought I knew how to live a different life but it's just not working. At 32
when I got the green card I started to take some college classes. I haven been
pretty much fending for myself since I am 13 (my first job). I feel like I don't
know how to act in your world. I tried to educate myself but there's still a
lot I don't know.
Prior to cancer I worked so hard, I had no time to think about what if's. But
now I am scared. Scared because I have seen that some people just have a
sad life and that's that - no happy ending. I saw it happening to my mom.
She married my dad young, very young, had kids, got beaten up and fought
my dad to get food on the table for us.Yep he didn't even do that much.
She suffered a lot in her life, diabetes got the better of her, she died young.
All our clothes came from bags that other people put out on the street for
charity organizations to pick up. Nothing ever fit me needless to say.
A lot of people were sorry for us children. And I hated that.
Now it feels like people are sorry for me again. They can't even look at me.
It hurts me very much.
What I really need is not medicine or therapy. I wish I had a home to go
to with people that cared for and carried me for a while till I can stand
alone again. I just feel depleted.
So go ahead and judge me all you want... do you think I don['t want to
feel better, be more hopeful? I don't recognize myself anymore.
F.C
I just had to reply once again cuz i just want to let you know that i do understand what your going thru. My father was very abusive when we were growing up, i also left home being on my own at 13years old...i started a family at 16 years old and my exhusband was also very abusive. I always had to stay inside, i felt like a prisioner, i had no life...no friends and my family wasnt around...i was by myself. Then one day i said that i have had enough...i grabbed my kids and left and we started a new wonderful life. I went back to school and got a degree with a 4.0 gpa. But dont think that it was easy, it took awhile and it seemed the harder i tried the more road blocks i hit but we got thru them and i have such a different outlook on life now...this cancer is just another road block. There are people on here that have been there done that and know exactly how you are feeling right now...i know its not going to get better overnite...its going to take time. Maybe telling your doctor isnt a bad idea cuz some people can pull out of it on their own and some need a little extra help and there is no shame in that...just whatever it takes to get you on the right track again...i know you can do this!0 -
Cancer and depressionFionaC said:No offense taken
I know tough love when I see it.
My situation is a little more complex. I have been in the US for over 15 years
now, 10 of which I worked at least two jobs just to get by. I couldn't get good
jobs they wouldn't hire me without a greencard. I came here to get away from
my old life. I come from a home with illiterate parents and a physically abusive father.
I thought I knew how to live a different life but it's just not working. At 32
when I got the green card I started to take some college classes. I haven been
pretty much fending for myself since I am 13 (my first job). I feel like I don't
know how to act in your world. I tried to educate myself but there's still a
lot I don't know.
Prior to cancer I worked so hard, I had no time to think about what if's. But
now I am scared. Scared because I have seen that some people just have a
sad life and that's that - no happy ending. I saw it happening to my mom.
She married my dad young, very young, had kids, got beaten up and fought
my dad to get food on the table for us.Yep he didn't even do that much.
She suffered a lot in her life, diabetes got the better of her, she died young.
All our clothes came from bags that other people put out on the street for
charity organizations to pick up. Nothing ever fit me needless to say.
A lot of people were sorry for us children. And I hated that.
Now it feels like people are sorry for me again. They can't even look at me.
It hurts me very much.
What I really need is not medicine or therapy. I wish I had a home to go
to with people that cared for and carried me for a while till I can stand
alone again. I just feel depleted.
So go ahead and judge me all you want... do you think I don['t want to
feel better, be more hopeful? I don't recognize myself anymore.
F.C
Dear Fiona-
I think the reason we're seeing your post as depressing might be because you are depressed. And it's easy to say we've all been there because we have, but if you are finding yourself being unable to feel better, please, please, talk to your doctor so you can get the professional help you might need to begin to have hope again. There is no shame in antidepressant medications or therapy. Sometimes we need help beyond "picking ourselves up by out bootstraps". Sometimes that just doesn't work. It sounds like it's not working for you.
Where are you located? Maybe one of us is close enough to you geographically to provide some more personal support, even if only via email. It's sometimes comforting just knowing there's someone closeby who understands. This board is great, too, keep posting please. Lots of insight, understanding, and reassurance here. We're all different, and we're all the same because we understand the emotions that go along with this stupid cancer!
Suzanne0 -
I think you should seek somesausageroll said:I agree
Well said Jo Jo. Fiona, you probably could not say anything on here that someone else has not experienced and I don't think we will ever judge you...so feel free to say anything that is on your mind. I am sorry that you are feeling so low and Jo Jo is right support groups are not for everyone.Even with great support there are times when we all feel low, so it is understandable that it would be so for you. However, sometimes, cancer can be a wake up call. None of us know how long we have to live...even those without cancer...so we know we have to make every day count in some little way. I don't mean to say that it is easy. I'll be thinking of you and hopefully brighter days are ahead for you....if not come here and chat.
I think you should seek some counseling. Sometimes, we all need some help in dealing with bc. Good luck to you!0
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