I think I lost my Loved one
My husband has been there for every chemo, every Onc's appointment, rah rahed for my getting better.
But....
He's taken to drinking, for the past 5 months, I have a very drunk man every evening. I'm talking stumbling drunk.
The two times, I lost my breath (too cold in house, ceiling fan on) he couldn't be there for me. Cooking, he isn't there during my week of chemo, my son moves into the house with his girlfriend and baby for chemo week to cook for me and be there.
No amount of crying, pleading, cussing, anger, put downs, put ups is working on getting him help. This is his way of dealing with cancer.
I've cried to myself so many times in the night, wishing for my old husband back.
I rarely talk about the cancer to him, don't want to remind him, I do I think more then I should so that my cancer (i.e., side effects) doesn't remind him that it's here. I try hard to keep up with mopping, dishes, etc., even when my fingers are protesting over the cold.
I've told him he doesn't need to go to my chemo, doesn't need to go to Onc's office, but he always insists.
My son suggested I move out, but then who would take care of him?
My Rock, turned to sand.
I'm truly heartbroken over this.
Comments
-
That must be very painful for you
Winter Marie,
I am so sorry for this. I know others who have been on the board have talked about similar situations. It sounds like your husband is hurting but not dealing with it in the best way. If your husband won't go for help would you consider it or are you already? A professional may be able to help you in dealing with him. I hope you get your old husband back. I know you may be having your surgery + will need every bit of support you can get.
PS - That is very nice of your son/girlfriend/grandchild to help you our like that chemo week.0 -
Well....
Re:
"This is his way of dealing with cancer"
It's not a good way, but it's obvious that he's having a major
problem dealing with the fact you have a terminal illness, and that
the odds are great, that he's going to lose you.
He doesn't realize that you may be around longer than him, and
that's something you may want to explore trying to convince him of.
I had a friend call, that I haven't talked to in a long, long time,
and after over an hour of listening to him, he finally asked how
things on my end were going.
And I said: "not too bad for a guy with cancer".
And he replied: "I thought you were over that".
People insulate themselves from pain.
My wife likes to think positive, and recalls that my mother lived
over 14 years past her prognosis (lung cancer). My mom wasn't
staged at 3c/4 initially, but that doesn't seem to matter...
We all cope in whatever manner we can. My wife is suffering
from a variety of conditions, and the stress of my problems
aren't helping. In fact, some of her problems might be due to
trying to deal with my condition......
She doesn't drink; I do. After over almost 30 years of us both
taking the pledge, I started to drink again about 3+ years ago.
That's my way of coping. I'm praying she doesn't start.
The thought of life ending doesn't just effect us, it effects our loved
ones even more (believe it or not). They feel helpless, and have to
stand by and watch; wondering when it will happen, when will they
lose it all...
So, my advice? (and it's something I wish my wife would take),
is to get your old man and yourself to a good councilor, one that
specializes in this type of crap.... and try to work together to find
that special feeling again.
None of know when our time will be up, and we all try whatever it
takes, to make our life last as long as possible....... now that we have
realized that we are not as immortal as we had previously thought...
Your OM is having as tough a time as you are having..... maybe tougher.
And I have a good feeling that we are all in the same canoe.
Do yourself a favor, and get some help for you both; It might make
things a bit better. It's worth a shot, right?
John0 -
hugs
I read your post and wished with all my heart I could hug you and take your pain away. Both my parents are alcoholics. They know I have cancer but I have not heard from them apart from one two line email. Please know that you are not alone and that we are all here for you.
Anne0 -
Once again, John, you are so wise!John23 said:Well....
Re:
"This is his way of dealing with cancer"
It's not a good way, but it's obvious that he's having a major
problem dealing with the fact you have a terminal illness, and that
the odds are great, that he's going to lose you.
He doesn't realize that you may be around longer than him, and
that's something you may want to explore trying to convince him of.
I had a friend call, that I haven't talked to in a long, long time,
and after over an hour of listening to him, he finally asked how
things on my end were going.
And I said: "not too bad for a guy with cancer".
And he replied: "I thought you were over that".
People insulate themselves from pain.
My wife likes to think positive, and recalls that my mother lived
over 14 years past her prognosis (lung cancer). My mom wasn't
staged at 3c/4 initially, but that doesn't seem to matter...
We all cope in whatever manner we can. My wife is suffering
from a variety of conditions, and the stress of my problems
aren't helping. In fact, some of her problems might be due to
trying to deal with my condition......
She doesn't drink; I do. After over almost 30 years of us both
taking the pledge, I started to drink again about 3+ years ago.
That's my way of coping. I'm praying she doesn't start.
The thought of life ending doesn't just effect us, it effects our loved
ones even more (believe it or not). They feel helpless, and have to
stand by and watch; wondering when it will happen, when will they
lose it all...
So, my advice? (and it's something I wish my wife would take),
is to get your old man and yourself to a good councilor, one that
specializes in this type of crap.... and try to work together to find
that special feeling again.
None of know when our time will be up, and we all try whatever it
takes, to make our life last as long as possible....... now that we have
realized that we are not as immortal as we had previously thought...
Your OM is having as tough a time as you are having..... maybe tougher.
And I have a good feeling that we are all in the same canoe.
Do yourself a favor, and get some help for you both; It might make
things a bit better. It's worth a shot, right?
John
The only thing I can add is that there is a HUGE piece of frustration for caregivers....we have to watch! The person we love going thru pain and a form of 'torture', and we can do nothing to stop it, to protect them! I have been both a patient and a caregiver, and in many ways the numbness of the patient role is easier.
My beau (medical professional) said it well: "I took and oath to heal, and never do harm. I need to stand by while you are cut up, poisoned, and radiated. It is the hardest thing I have ever done!"
I agree with John, get him to go with you to a specialist in cancer therapy...they DO exist!
Hugs, Kathi0 -
Sorry to read to your read of your troubles!snowyswitzerland said:hugs
I read your post and wished with all my heart I could hug you and take your pain away. Both my parents are alcoholics. They know I have cancer but I have not heard from them apart from one two line email. Please know that you are not alone and that we are all here for you.
Anne
Hope things work out for you and you are not the only person this board going through this...fortunately my husband is there for for me, and I have not gone over the deep end.
Cancer is tough! Hang in there an try to get him some counseling.0 -
My heart just breaks for you
My heart just breaks for you dear one. Brings me to tears and I don't do that very often. I have dealt with alot of drug and drinking addictions in the people in my family. Nearly lost my daughter to it several years ago. Thank God she is clean five years now and married and doing fine one day at a time. I know first hand how painful it is to watch someone you love get swallowed up in addiction and not be able to help. My husband and I did our share of pleading and crying and watched it go bad anyway. You are in as helpless a situation with him as he is with you, only you are the one who remains aware of it all. And you're sick. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Counseling is the best advise and AA would probably be good for him in addition to couples counseling. It might give him a good place to vent his pain and frustration to others who also understand his tendency to drink his pain and troubles away. I just can't even imagine how alone this makes you feel. I will be thinking of you, and praying for you, and checking back in here.
Hugs and prayers,
April0 -
Hugs for you
I can truely understand your pain at seeing the terrible change in your hubby. It would be difficult enough if he just pulled away, but to also see him drink himself to that condition is awful.
Is hubby ever sober so that you could really talk? I know you are trying not to give him more troubles to think on but without sober discussion of the problem it will not get better.
Counseling with both Cancer specialist and AA could be a great help in trying to get the man you married back. If you can't convince him to go, then get that help for yourself, on how to cope emotionally with all that is on your plate.
I hope for the best for you both. Having lost some people I considered dear friends when I got Cancer (they just walked away), I understand the pain.
May tomorrow always be better than today.
Marie0 -
So hard
It is so hard to deal with extra issues on top of what you already go through. I'm sorry for this.
My ex is an alcoholic, and so is my father. I've been down that path before. There is no way to force them to get help, but you can certainly try. See if you can get him to a support group for cancer caregivers. And also AA. It might be that rather than you nudging him, another family member or close friend might have better luck right now getting him to go. If he refused to get help for himself, I know this will sound harsh, but you need to distance yourself and focus on YOU right now.
I really hope he'll agree to get help.
My husband went into somewhat of a funk and seemed very depressed for a few months. But rather than turning to drinking (he still only has one or two beers or wine in a night if he drinks), he turned to reading. He escaped in fiction novels on a permanent basis. If he was home during the winter, he was reading. Our finances have been wiped out so that he didn't have the funds to go on his normal snowmobiling trips or putter with projects he likes to do. So reading was something he could get absorbed in. And he did - to an extreme - an unhealthy extreme. But it got him through till my treatments ended and summer arrived. Now his obsession is mowing. We'd slowly cut back from mowing half of our 10 acres to only about 2. Now he is mowing all ten!
Everyone handles severe stress differently - it is very unfortunate when turning to alcohol or drugs is the choice. I hope he agrees to getting some support to change that pattern.0 -
This comment has been removed by the ModeratorLovekitties said:Hugs for you
I can truely understand your pain at seeing the terrible change in your hubby. It would be difficult enough if he just pulled away, but to also see him drink himself to that condition is awful.
Is hubby ever sober so that you could really talk? I know you are trying not to give him more troubles to think on but without sober discussion of the problem it will not get better.
Counseling with both Cancer specialist and AA could be a great help in trying to get the man you married back. If you can't convince him to go, then get that help for yourself, on how to cope emotionally with all that is on your plate.
I hope for the best for you both. Having lost some people I considered dear friends when I got Cancer (they just walked away), I understand the pain.
May tomorrow always be better than today.
Marie0 -
OMG, Me too
I know what you are going though, is going through a stage where when ever i talk about the cancer he either turns off his ears or just crys and says he doesnt want to live if i am not going to be around, and then he sleeps for days until i threatento kick him out if he doesn't start helping and stop being so depressed, I am the one dyeing and he is already thrown in the towel,
I have come to total grips with my condition and i am not getting upset with every new setback, I figure I will continue on and fight until the very end and i only want to deal with one day at a time,
He doesn't drink because he has late stage renal failure and he can't so his drug of choice is sleep.
It drives me nuts, Because i am up almost all of the time because I can't sleep.
See if your husband will see a doctor and get on anti depressant, and then the two of you can maybe see a counselor,
I know my husband is getting a lot better since we got him on an anti drepressent and spoke to a doctor.
good luck,
Winnie0 -
This may sound harshHollyID said:I wish I was a wise woman
with some great advice, but I'm not. I do want you to know that I am so sorry for what you're going through. It's really tough to take care of your needs and then to turn around and take care of his needs as well.
God Bless you.
Tell him to man up and deal with it. I also agree that counseling would be a good choice if he will go. Don't get me wrong, I know he is hurting, really badly from the sounds of it. But you need all the help you can get right now. I'm sure he is a fine man, as eveidenced by your caring son. I'm sure you feel abandoned by him right now. It's truly sad he is having such a hard time coping with the situation, but he really needs to be there for you right now.
Don0 -
Thank you All
Thank you for suggestions of getting him to counseling. Unfortunately, I've tried this approach, (part of the begging)I've asked him to go to re-hab, AA, anything I have suggested goes into deaf ears. Other then the Yes Dear, I'll try and cut down.
He starts at 1:00 pm and continues until he can't hardly stand anymore (around 9:00 PM).
I've asked him to try and start at 5:00, if he can. He just hides his cup behind his back and walks past me, as if I can't tell he's already got the vodka in the cup.
As far as me? I'm a strong willed woman, I can get through this cancer without him standing beside me, I guess I'm selfish and want him along side. I just really want back who he was, I don't think I'm going to see that for a long time.
I guess the best I can do is pray for a miracle on his drinking, and if you all would just say one or two as well, who knows.
And thank you for letting me know I'm not alone, that does help, trust me.
Winter Marie0 -
Forgotten Rose BushesKathryn_in_MN said:So hard
It is so hard to deal with extra issues on top of what you already go through. I'm sorry for this.
My ex is an alcoholic, and so is my father. I've been down that path before. There is no way to force them to get help, but you can certainly try. See if you can get him to a support group for cancer caregivers. And also AA. It might be that rather than you nudging him, another family member or close friend might have better luck right now getting him to go. If he refused to get help for himself, I know this will sound harsh, but you need to distance yourself and focus on YOU right now.
I really hope he'll agree to get help.
My husband went into somewhat of a funk and seemed very depressed for a few months. But rather than turning to drinking (he still only has one or two beers or wine in a night if he drinks), he turned to reading. He escaped in fiction novels on a permanent basis. If he was home during the winter, he was reading. Our finances have been wiped out so that he didn't have the funds to go on his normal snowmobiling trips or putter with projects he likes to do. So reading was something he could get absorbed in. And he did - to an extreme - an unhealthy extreme. But it got him through till my treatments ended and summer arrived. Now his obsession is mowing. We'd slowly cut back from mowing half of our 10 acres to only about 2. Now he is mowing all ten!
Everyone handles severe stress differently - it is very unfortunate when turning to alcohol or drugs is the choice. I hope he agrees to getting some support to change that pattern.
Ohhh Kathryn, mine gave up on the outside. The cactus suffered from weeds, the rose bushes he so tenderly nourished for years were neglected, the LAWN??? I won't even go there.
We live in an upscale neighborhood, but you wouldn't have known that from our outside these past few months.
My son and his girlfriend have finally had enough of waiting for him to tend to these things and yesterday my front yard was transformed back to the way it has been for the last ten years. I cried. I go out many times during the day just to look at it now, remembering that's how it looked last year. My son removed all the weeds, trimmed our bushes and cactus, his girlfriend took care of the roses. The weeds in the driveway? Now gone.
I am blessed in many ways, I just forget this over my husband's newest love, vodka.
P.S. So funny mine has taken up reading as well, until he gets to drunk to focus on reading.0 -
Okay the curiosity has gotten to mecoolvdub said:This may sound harsh
Tell him to man up and deal with it. I also agree that counseling would be a good choice if he will go. Don't get me wrong, I know he is hurting, really badly from the sounds of it. But you need all the help you can get right now. I'm sure he is a fine man, as eveidenced by your caring son. I'm sure you feel abandoned by him right now. It's truly sad he is having such a hard time coping with the situation, but he really needs to be there for you right now.
Don
Don, I'm assuming I think you like VW's??
When I found out I was going to die this year, I gave my restored 65 Volks to a wonderful man that has done my mechanics on it for free for the past two years (dang, now I'm going to live, oh well, I've got my 69 spitfire he's working on now). My son owns a 70 VW that he just pumped his engine up on. He calls it his Porsche that happens to look like a VDub.
Yes, on my man, I'd love to just smack one across the cheek and tell him man up!!! (In my angry moments over his drinking) but I know that won't work. My way of dealing with it is smoking (yes just great since they found a spot on my lung, although I think that's scarring from childhood sickness) so I guess in a way, I took up an addiction like he did.
It just all totally sucks my man, just sucks big time.
P.S. When I get my surgery (hope, hope) I'll quit smoking again.0 -
My Dearunknown said:This comment has been removed by the Moderator
My dear Graci, you lost your home too??? I didn't lose the home I live in with my husband, but I lost my home in Ohio this last year. I didn't know I had cancer, but I couldn't manage with my stomach pain (one has to remember I've had IBS for 30 years and thought that it was getting worse) to hang on to my business anymore, my house was to be only taken care of by me, it was in Ohio, my children have all lived in it, through their marriages and divorce, and it was the first and only home I ever bought, I loved it so. Even though we live in California, I wouldn't give up my home in Ohio. But, giving up my business I was no longer able to pay for it and lost it through foreclosure. So I feel your pain, I loved it so. Now I remind myself it was only a materiel possession and that helps ease the pain sometimes.
And concerning your husband's shaking, mine has essential tremors, and when he started drinking when I was diagnosed, he realized that drinking actually lessened the shaking (although he's gone way overboard)and that's part of his EXCUSE for it.
As for friends, he is an electrical engineer, they are for the most part an isolated bunch, they don't socialize well, minds wrapped up in math and science (I have to explain movies to him, they are too rational of thought to deal with imagination) to actually interact with other humans besides like minded as them.
Crap, I got long winded again.
Thanks Graci, we are I think "soulmates" in our world of events in our lives.0 -
Nana2Nana2 said:My heart just breaks for you
My heart just breaks for you dear one. Brings me to tears and I don't do that very often. I have dealt with alot of drug and drinking addictions in the people in my family. Nearly lost my daughter to it several years ago. Thank God she is clean five years now and married and doing fine one day at a time. I know first hand how painful it is to watch someone you love get swallowed up in addiction and not be able to help. My husband and I did our share of pleading and crying and watched it go bad anyway. You are in as helpless a situation with him as he is with you, only you are the one who remains aware of it all. And you're sick. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Counseling is the best advise and AA would probably be good for him in addition to couples counseling. It might give him a good place to vent his pain and frustration to others who also understand his tendency to drink his pain and troubles away. I just can't even imagine how alone this makes you feel. I will be thinking of you, and praying for you, and checking back in here.
Hugs and prayers,
April
Thank you dear, I think we need all the prayers we can get.0 -
thanks JohnJohn23 said:Well....
Re:
"This is his way of dealing with cancer"
It's not a good way, but it's obvious that he's having a major
problem dealing with the fact you have a terminal illness, and that
the odds are great, that he's going to lose you.
He doesn't realize that you may be around longer than him, and
that's something you may want to explore trying to convince him of.
I had a friend call, that I haven't talked to in a long, long time,
and after over an hour of listening to him, he finally asked how
things on my end were going.
And I said: "not too bad for a guy with cancer".
And he replied: "I thought you were over that".
People insulate themselves from pain.
My wife likes to think positive, and recalls that my mother lived
over 14 years past her prognosis (lung cancer). My mom wasn't
staged at 3c/4 initially, but that doesn't seem to matter...
We all cope in whatever manner we can. My wife is suffering
from a variety of conditions, and the stress of my problems
aren't helping. In fact, some of her problems might be due to
trying to deal with my condition......
She doesn't drink; I do. After over almost 30 years of us both
taking the pledge, I started to drink again about 3+ years ago.
That's my way of coping. I'm praying she doesn't start.
The thought of life ending doesn't just effect us, it effects our loved
ones even more (believe it or not). They feel helpless, and have to
stand by and watch; wondering when it will happen, when will they
lose it all...
So, my advice? (and it's something I wish my wife would take),
is to get your old man and yourself to a good councilor, one that
specializes in this type of crap.... and try to work together to find
that special feeling again.
None of know when our time will be up, and we all try whatever it
takes, to make our life last as long as possible....... now that we have
realized that we are not as immortal as we had previously thought...
Your OM is having as tough a time as you are having..... maybe tougher.
And I have a good feeling that we are all in the same canoe.
Do yourself a favor, and get some help for you both; It might make
things a bit better. It's worth a shot, right?
John
Actually I expected to hear these words from you, "get him to the nearest Shaman" (I'm alaskan native), rather then hear you drink to help with the diagnosis.
Thank you for that, thank you for being a caring human being, I must admit I don't agree with most of what you say, but you are dead on here.
We deal with things in our own ways, tis sorry but true, there should be a universal rule, got heartache, here is heartache 101 to deal with it, got cancer, welcome to cancer 101 to deal with it, got any other problems, welcome to problems 101, we can help. Shame it isn't so simple, the easy button is a falsify.0 -
Ahh SweetieWinneyPooh said:OMG, Me too
I know what you are going though, is going through a stage where when ever i talk about the cancer he either turns off his ears or just crys and says he doesnt want to live if i am not going to be around, and then he sleeps for days until i threatento kick him out if he doesn't start helping and stop being so depressed, I am the one dyeing and he is already thrown in the towel,
I have come to total grips with my condition and i am not getting upset with every new setback, I figure I will continue on and fight until the very end and i only want to deal with one day at a time,
He doesn't drink because he has late stage renal failure and he can't so his drug of choice is sleep.
It drives me nuts, Because i am up almost all of the time because I can't sleep.
See if your husband will see a doctor and get on anti depressant, and then the two of you can maybe see a counselor,
I know my husband is getting a lot better since we got him on an anti drepressent and spoke to a doctor.
good luck,
Winnie
I understand the ears turning off, and yes mine said the same thing, he didn't want to live without me. So difficult when they love you sooo much, they can't stand the thought of being without you, yet they don't understand the way they are not accepting the dreaded "cancer" that they are hurting us the most.
I quit taking ativan to help me sleep, because I have to be alert for when my man falls on his way to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he's 6' 2" and I'm 5' 6", it isn't easy helping him get up!!! I'm so scared I won't hear him fall some night.
It's a shame we can't talk sense into them, letting them know we haven't given up, we're fighting, stand beside us, not behind.0
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