I think I lost my Loved one

John23

herdizziness said:

Thank you All
Thank you for suggestions of getting him to counseling. Unfortunately, I've tried this approach, (part of the begging)I've asked him to go to re-hab, AA, anything I have suggested goes into deaf ears. Other then the Yes Dear, I'll try and cut down.
He starts at 1:00 pm and continues until he can't hardly stand anymore (around 9:00 PM).
I've asked him to try and start at 5:00, if he can. He just hides his cup behind his back and walks past me, as if I can't tell he's already got the vodka in the cup.
As far as me? I'm a strong willed woman, I can get through this cancer without him standing beside me, I guess I'm selfish and want him along side. I just really want back who he was, I don't think I'm going to see that for a long time.
I guess the best I can do is pray for a miracle on his drinking, and if you all would just say one or two as well, who knows.
And thank you for letting me know I'm not alone, that does help, trust me.
Winter Marie

Hic ~~~

Re:
"It's a shame we can't talk sense into them, letting them know we
haven't given up, we're fighting, stand beside us, not behind."

Actually, you can. You can find a moment during the few hours
of some sobriety, and explain how you love him, and don't want to
lose him....

Telling him how each moment together should be spent doing things
together because, if you don't make it, all the time you have now
will have been lost and wasted.

Tell him that you want to make each moment count, and the booze is
stealing it away. That the booze will steal him away from you,
long before the cancer will.

Sometimes talking from the heart can go further than talking from the
head; nagging and pleading won't do what love can.


Good luck.

John

Unknown

herdizziness said:

Thank you All
Thank you for suggestions of getting him to counseling. Unfortunately, I've tried this approach, (part of the begging)I've asked him to go to re-hab, AA, anything I have suggested goes into deaf ears. Other then the Yes Dear, I'll try and cut down.
He starts at 1:00 pm and continues until he can't hardly stand anymore (around 9:00 PM).
I've asked him to try and start at 5:00, if he can. He just hides his cup behind his back and walks past me, as if I can't tell he's already got the vodka in the cup.
As far as me? I'm a strong willed woman, I can get through this cancer without him standing beside me, I guess I'm selfish and want him along side. I just really want back who he was, I don't think I'm going to see that for a long time.
I guess the best I can do is pray for a miracle on his drinking, and if you all would just say one or two as well, who knows.
And thank you for letting me know I'm not alone, that does help, trust me.
Winter Marie

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WinneyPooh

unknown said:

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Thanks Graci
graci,
I often, push my fears way down and ignore my problems, ( thats who i got into this mess)

Often it seems i am the only person in my house dealing with the problems, My daughter would say she is the only adult in the house and she goes through it claiming she is doing everything, (oh yeah).
I am sure what is the way to handle this cancer, it invades everypart of our lives,

I am so sick of having to deside between insane copays and the other bills, I apply for all the assistance i can get eventhough i know most will not be avilable to me, for some reason help from others counts as income and it throws me out of alot , its crazy,

Apply to the hospitals low income programs, they will probally reduce the amount of yourbills, private hospital not somuch, I am going thru a loan mod, for my house have been doing it now for a year hopefully tey will give me answer soon.

Next week I have two docs appointments and a proceedure, copays of $250, I was told my daughter needs her wisdom teeth pulled and so does my son, and also she needs a mouth gaurd another $400+ dollars cause insurance doesnot pay for this, the copay on the wisdom teeth is
200-300 each and
I don't have any of it, but what do you do?

I made homemade peach icecream i guess i will eat it all and see if that helps!!!

Love ya all
Winnie

coolvdub

WinneyPooh said:

Thanks Graci
graci,
I often, push my fears way down and ignore my problems, ( thats who i got into this mess)

Often it seems i am the only person in my house dealing with the problems, My daughter would say she is the only adult in the house and she goes through it claiming she is doing everything, (oh yeah).
I am sure what is the way to handle this cancer, it invades everypart of our lives,

I am so sick of having to deside between insane copays and the other bills, I apply for all the assistance i can get eventhough i know most will not be avilable to me, for some reason help from others counts as income and it throws me out of alot , its crazy,

Apply to the hospitals low income programs, they will probally reduce the amount of yourbills, private hospital not somuch, I am going thru a loan mod, for my house have been doing it now for a year hopefully tey will give me answer soon.

Next week I have two docs appointments and a proceedure, copays of $250, I was told my daughter needs her wisdom teeth pulled and so does my son, and also she needs a mouth gaurd another $400+ dollars cause insurance doesnot pay for this, the copay on the wisdom teeth is
200-300 each and
I don't have any of it, but what do you do?

I made homemade peach icecream i guess i will eat it all and see if that helps!!!

Love ya all
Winnie

Yeah, I love Vw's
Winter Marie,

Yep, Vw's do it for me. But I'm older and lazy now, so I drive newer stuff. A '02 Jetta with 328k miles on it. It sounds like the dub went to a good home, and your son has one so all is good, right? I really wish I had some magic words of wisdom for you, but all I can do is be here to listen. I hope things get better and if you need somebody to listen, I'm here for you.

Don

KathiM

herdizziness said:

Thank you All
Thank you for suggestions of getting him to counseling. Unfortunately, I've tried this approach, (part of the begging)I've asked him to go to re-hab, AA, anything I have suggested goes into deaf ears. Other then the Yes Dear, I'll try and cut down.
He starts at 1:00 pm and continues until he can't hardly stand anymore (around 9:00 PM).
I've asked him to try and start at 5:00, if he can. He just hides his cup behind his back and walks past me, as if I can't tell he's already got the vodka in the cup.
As far as me? I'm a strong willed woman, I can get through this cancer without him standing beside me, I guess I'm selfish and want him along side. I just really want back who he was, I don't think I'm going to see that for a long time.
I guess the best I can do is pray for a miracle on his drinking, and if you all would just say one or two as well, who knows.
And thank you for letting me know I'm not alone, that does help, trust me.
Winter Marie

It's time for the 'last ditch' speech:
You need to get him sitting, one morning (before the start of the day's drinking, after the worst of the hangover...) and tell him like it is...Calmly, with a soft voice:

"My dear soul. I love you with all of my being. I have always pictured us as growing old together, facing each and every challenge as it comes, together. I cannot fathom what it is that is causing so much pain to you, that you feel you need to self-medicate. I have made many suggestions, but they fall on deaf ears. I need to stop trying now, because it is harming my health. I didn't ask for cancer, nor do I intend to let it ruin my life. But right now, I MUST put myself and my physical needs FIRST, last, and foremost. I know it is a terrible place you are in, to feel so unable to help...but you DO help, just by being my rock. I will not leave you, I will just step back a bit. You need to find your own way out, at this point, I need to go on with taking care of myself. You are my true love, and, as we promised so long ago, 'In sickness and in health....' I will stand by your side."

Hugs, Kathi

(My hubby (now ex-) was an alcoholic. He was a great guy when not drinking, but awful when...I was an 'enabler', trying to 'help' by supplying the scotch so that at least he would drink at home. We talked about it later, after the divorce, and he said if I had given him a speech like the one above, and really did as I said...step away...that it would have maybe made a difference.)

Sonia32

Hugs Winter Marie
I know exactly what your going through. But as Kathi and others have said it's time to be tough and talk to your husband. He isn't coping at all, he probably thought he was going to lose you, now that your treatment has worked it may have got to him. You owe it to yourself and your peace of mind to sort this out, before it gets worse and either of you walk out on each other and this causes you even more stress which you do not need at all in your condition. I'm so glad you have such a loving son, maybe you can both sit down and talk to your husband. Either way it has to be sorted. Will be praying for you. Hugs

John23

KathiM said:

It's time for the 'last ditch' speech:
You need to get him sitting, one morning (before the start of the day's drinking, after the worst of the hangover...) and tell him like it is...Calmly, with a soft voice:

"My dear soul. I love you with all of my being. I have always pictured us as growing old together, facing each and every challenge as it comes, together. I cannot fathom what it is that is causing so much pain to you, that you feel you need to self-medicate. I have made many suggestions, but they fall on deaf ears. I need to stop trying now, because it is harming my health. I didn't ask for cancer, nor do I intend to let it ruin my life. But right now, I MUST put myself and my physical needs FIRST, last, and foremost. I know it is a terrible place you are in, to feel so unable to help...but you DO help, just by being my rock. I will not leave you, I will just step back a bit. You need to find your own way out, at this point, I need to go on with taking care of myself. You are my true love, and, as we promised so long ago, 'In sickness and in health....' I will stand by your side."

Hugs, Kathi

(My hubby (now ex-) was an alcoholic. He was a great guy when not drinking, but awful when...I was an 'enabler', trying to 'help' by supplying the scotch so that at least he would drink at home. We talked about it later, after the divorce, and he said if I had given him a speech like the one above, and really did as I said...step away...that it would have maybe made a difference.)

Kathi -


My opinion?

"And sometimes, an aluminum baseball bat is just an aluminum baseball bat.."

Although a hit on the noggin' never hurts normal PIA's, when someone is
already in pain, a hard whack can do more damage than good.

We drink for all sorts of reasons, and some of us drink for no real
reason, aside from getting a quick buzz that can take us into a more
peaceful state.... and others drink to go well beyond that peaceful state
and into total oblivion (New Jersey?)...

When we can't stop prior to being totally zonked, or at any point
prior to being intoxicated, we have a problem that's called alcoholism.

It's subtile, and sneaks up on us; sometimes not noticed until we lose
our grip on the toilet bowl in the wee hours and awaken with wet hair...

An alcoholic will insist hair follicles are healthier with a vomit rinse.

That said......

When the drinking is a result of pain that can't seem to be escaped
otherwise, love can do what no detox can.

I really believe that leaning on the partner for help when he's somewhat
sober, will rally his strength to be of help. It doesn't sound like he feels
he can do anything right now; Feeling helpless and insecure can drive
a person mad/insane..... or drunk.

Best sober moments to ya'll.

John

Unknown

Sonia32 said:

Hugs Winter Marie
I know exactly what your going through. But as Kathi and others have said it's time to be tough and talk to your husband. He isn't coping at all, he probably thought he was going to lose you, now that your treatment has worked it may have got to him. You owe it to yourself and your peace of mind to sort this out, before it gets worse and either of you walk out on each other and this causes you even more stress which you do not need at all in your condition. I'm so glad you have such a loving son, maybe you can both sit down and talk to your husband. Either way it has to be sorted. Will be praying for you. Hugs

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