Two weeks ago today

closs86 said:

Hi Pat, and everyone
Hope everyone is doing o k, I was until today, this weekend i was real busy with my sons and grandkids, sat and sun, then today i just got worse and worse as the day went on, and now i just want to run away. Maybe it is because august 6 will be 4 months that my Johnny went away. I miss him so much tonight, it hurts my heart, I hope that i wake up feeling a little better tomorrow. this is awful. I am keeping myself busy working 3 days a week, friends the whole bit, but I don;t know if I have the strength to get through this,
Sorry to depress everyone, but i feel pretty lousy tonight.
take care
karen

Karen...
I know how you feel....the highs and lows of this thing are crazy....and the lows sort of sneak up on you.
Things have been going well for me...maybe too well...working full time...no time to sit and be sad...but out of the blue come the tears..and I have noticed lately that I am running that "tape" in my head..the one that plays out Bill's last night...I don't know why I am doing it but its ticking me off....I know I need to keep moving forward and its these speedbumps that seem to keep me tied to the past....I dunno...just need time I guess.
Try to just think of some good times that you and Johnny had...make those a focal point...it was odd...I sailed right though the three month point...maybe because I have made myself so busy...I bearly have anytime off...I maybe running a bit...but for now its working to a point.
This is a safe place to moan and groan all you need to....no one will judge you ! We are all sailing on the same ship.
Stay focused...Pat

grandmafay said:

Hope
I hope today is a better day. We do have the strength to get through this or to learn to live with it. I'm not sure we ever do really get through it. That would suggest that there is an end point when we will be all better. This weekend will be the tough one for me. The family will be up and we are going to a fundraiser on Saturday. Sunday is Doug's birthday. He would have been 64. I am glad we will all be here, but I suspect it will be hard when everyone goes home. It is the sharing that I miss most. Each of the months we mark off, each of the first holidays, hurt. I have accepted that and allow myself to wallow occasionally. Then I pick myself up and go on. I have decided that wallowing and an occasional crying time is ok. It helps me cope. This is my grief and I can handled it in whatever way I want. I'm dating myself, but I remember a song from my youth that said, "it's my party and I'll cry if I want to. " That is how I feel sometimes. No apologies. That is just the way it is. Fay

ahhh yes....
Leslie Gore....I remember that one....guessing I am old too....
Hoping things go well for you this week-end...I will be keeping myself busy with cleaning out my kitchen...its finally get gutted and re-modeled and I am so excited.
I had one of those moments we all speak about today..well this morning actually...my door bell rang at 7am...it was the little old lady down the block...coming to ask where Bill was...because she had not seen him in awhile...been over three months and she is just noticing..anyway I told her the story and got teary while telling her.... she expressed her sympathy..than went on to say that she knew something was wrong because Bill would have never let the grass get in such a bad condition...lol....I had to laugh...its true that the grass is in dire need of life support and I have had zero time to tend to it....but really did she have to include a critque of my yard in her condolence call ...it was priceless.
Anyway on with my day.
Pat

closs86 said:

Hi pat and fay
I am feeling a little better, went to gym today and really let off some energy, but i think i have to do that every so often to release the pressure, like a pressure cooker.
Boy that little old lady was funny, especially at 7 am, I think I might of took a fit, waking me up so early, but i am not an early bird. So you are doing your kitchen over, that is good, something to do that will need your attention. good thing.
Fay hope your weekend is o k, being with your family will be good, it is when they leave, and his birthday is not easy, it wasen't easy for me either. but like you say we will get through this one thing at a time.
I have work tomorrow, so I better get to bed, i have been staying up later and later, bad habit,
Take care everyone,
hugs
karen

NEW
Hi Karen...I really need to try a gym to let off some steam...been thinking about it...putting it on my "to do list"....
Yes I am over the moon excited about finally getting the kitchen redone....it was yet another thing that we just never got around to doing....problem is now that I will have an awesome kitchen and I do nearly no cooking..thats something that I have yet to get over....I had a boatload of pots and pans....threw most of them out...I just don't need them...but anywho the kitchen will look like I am a gourmet...Bill would love it...
Well that be that...didn't see anything from Mary today..hoping she is doing ok...
Take Care
Pat

Caregiver1963 said:

Hi Everyone
Good to read that everyone is hanging in there- one day at a time is my new motto! I am finding it good to be back to work and it is certainly a distraction for me during the day. Found out this week that the next bereavement support group won't start until September- oh well it isn't really that far away I guess. Started a journal this week which I think is a good plan.
Karen- good for you for doing the gym and you Pat for re- doing your kitchen. A friend recently wrote to me that it is now time to take care of me. It is so true for all of us to do the things we are doing to carry on and take care of ourselves. My big accomplishment and treat to myself today was paying off my car loan!
Stay cool!
Mary

Your friend is so right...
We were all csught up in the disease and than the grief....and now while the grief is still ever present....now we must live...taking care of ourselves has to be our guys legacy left for us...
WTG on paying off the car...thats an awesome feeling...Bill and I settle a law suit some 2yrs ago and paid off all our debt it totally rocked to be debt free...I tend to be high maintaince and I think he worried that I would get into trouble with the "buy now pay later" thing after he passed...and while I did go a bit stupid iniatally after his death...I reeled it in ans continue to use my head.
Journaling helped me too....I used to write as though I was talking to him...referencing the days events and such...letting him know that I missed him...it helped..I think I am done with the group for the time being...I seriously have no time lately...I have the option of rejoining...so if it gets rough around the holidays there is always that option.
Ok I am pooped...tomorrow will be day 8 in a row and still have Friday...off the week-end....and than the kitchen re-do...I am seriously over scheduled
Pat