Two weeks ago today

Caregiver1963

My dear husband died. For some reason today was particularily hard. I had company and we went out for a nice lunch but as soon as they left I started crying. It doesn't help that it is a dark gloomy day today in the northeast. All I kept thinking about today is what John and I were doing last year at this time. I know that there is no fix for my grief- but it at least helps to put my feelings in writing
Mary

bingles

Hi Mary
My heart breaks for you...I remember those first few weeks...all full of reflection....and memories.
I used to sit here on the computer and look at pictures of Bill..taken just last summer...fishing and enjoying himself....now just over a year later he is gone...well at least physically.
Be kind to yourself...remember your not alone in the process....we may not know each other but we all feel the same way....we have a connection.
Pat

Tina Blondek

Hi Mary
So sorry for your
Hi Mary
So sorry for your recent loss of your husband. I lost my dad to ec in March. Yes it does help to put our feelings in writing, that is why I come here daily, and why I have a journal. It takes at least 18 months to grieve and mourn. Give yourself a break. Know that we will see our loves ones again, and there we will spend eternity together! Peace be with you at this most difficult time. Come back and visit us often. We will always be here for you.
Tina

Caregiver1963

Tina Blondek said:

Hi Mary
So sorry for your
Hi Mary
So sorry for your recent loss of your husband. I lost my dad to ec in March. Yes it does help to put our feelings in writing, that is why I come here daily, and why I have a journal. It takes at least 18 months to grieve and mourn. Give yourself a break. Know that we will see our loves ones again, and there we will spend eternity together! Peace be with you at this most difficult time. Come back and visit us often. We will always be here for you.
Tina

Thank you Tina and Pat
for your words. I am sorry that we have experienced losses recently. I know with time memories will be less painful
Mary

grandmafay

Sorry
I am so sorry Mary that you have lost your husband. Many of us here have also suffered that loss. My husband died 10 months ago following a 6 year battle with colon cancer. Crying goes with the territory. We never know what will set it off. They tell me time will help and I do think it is getting easier, but I still find myself tearing up and crying at times. You are right, there is no cure, no words to help, but it does help to know that we are not alone. Take care, Fay

bingles

grandmafay said:

Sorry
I am so sorry Mary that you have lost your husband. Many of us here have also suffered that loss. My husband died 10 months ago following a 6 year battle with colon cancer. Crying goes with the territory. We never know what will set it off. They tell me time will help and I do think it is getting easier, but I still find myself tearing up and crying at times. You are right, there is no cure, no words to help, but it does help to know that we are not alone. Take care, Fay

your so right Fay....
You said that we never know whats going to set us off...,for Mary it was going to Home Depot....for me...grocery shopping...still today going to the grocery store...I have to pause near the OJ..Bill drank Tropicana daily....it was like his little tonic...he liked it and felt that it was good for him...never went a day without it and to this day I cannot buy it...still brings a rush of sadness when I see the containers...
This grief thing is an odd bugger.
Today has been a bear for me....this funk just hanging around...nothing particular...just a cloud....good thing my berevement group is tomorrow...I need it!
Take Care Gal's...
Pat

Caregiver1963

bingles said:

your so right Fay....
You said that we never know whats going to set us off...,for Mary it was going to Home Depot....for me...grocery shopping...still today going to the grocery store...I have to pause near the OJ..Bill drank Tropicana daily....it was like his little tonic...he liked it and felt that it was good for him...never went a day without it and to this day I cannot buy it...still brings a rush of sadness when I see the containers...
This grief thing is an odd bugger.
Today has been a bear for me....this funk just hanging around...nothing particular...just a cloud....good thing my berevement group is tomorrow...I need it!
Take Care Gal's...
Pat

It is comforting
To share with those who know how you feel.I hope everyone has a good day today. I am slowly getting more involved with daily routine activities. And looking forward to getting connected with the bereavement services through hospice. Pat- did hospice connect you with your bereavement group?
Mary

bingles

Caregiver1963 said:

It is comforting
To share with those who know how you feel.I hope everyone has a good day today. I am slowly getting more involved with daily routine activities. And looking forward to getting connected with the bereavement services through hospice. Pat- did hospice connect you with your bereavement group?
Mary

Hi Mary....
Yes my hospice sent me information right after Bill passed and also followed up with a call...I did take advantage of the meetings...and did get something out of them....my only problem is that the age of the group..well they are all quite a bit older than I am...and so our common ground is limited....they are all retired and have sort of formed a network of sorts...I tried to look past that and just listen and learn...today was actually the first week I missed...now with working there are things I need to do in my limited off time and I just could not take the time to go....but I missed it...I will make the time next Monday for sure.
My berevement counselor has great insight into the grieving process...she was the one who pointed out that I may have been spending longer at work than I truly needed too as a way of avoiding going home...I thought about it and she was right....its super busy...but not every night....tonight I clocked out at 11:15...instead of 12:30am....I was really proud of myself for doing it.
Establishing a normal routine is tricky...its a new normal we are making...and it takes time....after 3 months I am pretty much in a routine...but every now and again something triggers me....but I get though it!
Keep posting we are all here to listen/read!
Pat

Caregiver1963

bingles said:

Hi Mary....
Yes my hospice sent me information right after Bill passed and also followed up with a call...I did take advantage of the meetings...and did get something out of them....my only problem is that the age of the group..well they are all quite a bit older than I am...and so our common ground is limited....they are all retired and have sort of formed a network of sorts...I tried to look past that and just listen and learn...today was actually the first week I missed...now with working there are things I need to do in my limited off time and I just could not take the time to go....but I missed it...I will make the time next Monday for sure.
My berevement counselor has great insight into the grieving process...she was the one who pointed out that I may have been spending longer at work than I truly needed too as a way of avoiding going home...I thought about it and she was right....its super busy...but not every night....tonight I clocked out at 11:15...instead of 12:30am....I was really proud of myself for doing it.
Establishing a normal routine is tricky...its a new normal we are making...and it takes time....after 3 months I am pretty much in a routine...but every now and again something triggers me....but I get though it!
Keep posting we are all here to listen/read!
Pat

Hi Pat
Thank you for the information. I better get in touch with hospice as they haven't contacted me yet! Good job finishing up work earlier last night! You and everyone else who are posting are inspirations to me! I have decided to return to work this Friday and work a partial day. I notice I am more focused this week- able to write some thank you notes and get some paperwork done so I think I am making progress.
Have a good day
Stacey

bingles

Caregiver1963 said:

Hi Pat
Thank you for the information. I better get in touch with hospice as they haven't contacted me yet! Good job finishing up work earlier last night! You and everyone else who are posting are inspirations to me! I have decided to return to work this Friday and work a partial day. I notice I am more focused this week- able to write some thank you notes and get some paperwork done so I think I am making progress.
Have a good day
Stacey

Hi....
Sorry I thought your name was Mary....anyway..good luck on going back this Friday...my first day back was flooded with visual triggers...silly stuff..equipment..wheelchairs...weird with the wheelchairs seeing as Bill only sat in one..one time...and seeing as your husband passed in your facility....its going to be rougher for you...your in my prayers.
Be gentle with yourself....good luck with the Hospice...Bill passed around midnight on april 21 and they were calling me before noon the next day....i actually got three calls...his nurse...the social worker and the berevement team.
Funny thing happened today....for the first time since Bill passed...I watched the news at noon time....he did it everyday when we were home and I just couldn't watch it up until today...guess your mind only gives you what it knows you can handle.
Keep the faith....
Pat

Caregiver1963

bingles said:

Hi....
Sorry I thought your name was Mary....anyway..good luck on going back this Friday...my first day back was flooded with visual triggers...silly stuff..equipment..wheelchairs...weird with the wheelchairs seeing as Bill only sat in one..one time...and seeing as your husband passed in your facility....its going to be rougher for you...your in my prayers.
Be gentle with yourself....good luck with the Hospice...Bill passed around midnight on april 21 and they were calling me before noon the next day....i actually got three calls...his nurse...the social worker and the berevement team.
Funny thing happened today....for the first time since Bill passed...I watched the news at noon time....he did it everyday when we were home and I just couldn't watch it up until today...guess your mind only gives you what it knows you can handle.
Keep the faith....
Pat

I guess I am not ready for multitasking...
It is Mary. I shouldn't try to write thank you notes and these updates at the same time!
One day at a time
Mary

closs86

Caregiver1963 said:

I guess I am not ready for multitasking...
It is Mary. I shouldn't try to write thank you notes and these updates at the same time!
One day at a time
Mary

Hi everyone
Hi Pat and Mary,
I was off today, and went to the counselor for the second visit, she is very compassionate and really a nice person, I hope that she can help me direct my mind, When I came home I had the energy and strength of superwoman, I went down the basement and threw everythinbg out, big giant heavy things,I carried them up the steps and out to the garbage like it was nothing, I am thinking that it was some kind of reaction to the session, I don't know just guessing. But i had superhuman strength and energy, now I am exhausted, and my back is bothering me.
I have to work tomorrow, 7 hours on my feet, tired just thinking of it, I work in a store, and not allowed to sit.
Well have a good day tomorrow,
take care
karen

bingles

closs86 said:

Hi everyone
Hi Pat and Mary,
I was off today, and went to the counselor for the second visit, she is very compassionate and really a nice person, I hope that she can help me direct my mind, When I came home I had the energy and strength of superwoman, I went down the basement and threw everythinbg out, big giant heavy things,I carried them up the steps and out to the garbage like it was nothing, I am thinking that it was some kind of reaction to the session, I don't know just guessing. But i had superhuman strength and energy, now I am exhausted, and my back is bothering me.
I have to work tomorrow, 7 hours on my feet, tired just thinking of it, I work in a store, and not allowed to sit.
Well have a good day tomorrow,
take care
karen

hey gals...
No problem Mary/stacy ...I have been feeling a little schizoid my self lately...maybe I need an alias.
Wow Karen..that counselor must have really pushed the right buttons....I did all that heavy dumping about a month after Bill passed....I was angry and took it out on the house....omg..the things I tossed....some of which I have had to replace....so much for the knee jerk reaction.
Got a bit of a surprise at work...they are talking about moving me into a day position....thats a good thing for me....I have had thoughts of taking some courses at the local college....and its just easier in the evening...we shall see....the process continues..
Really good night at work tonight..census is down...good for me...bad for facility....off tomorrow....going out to dinner with Bill's son and his wife to catch up...looking forward to the diversion.
Keep moving forward..
PAt

Caregiver1963

bingles said:

hey gals...
No problem Mary/stacy ...I have been feeling a little schizoid my self lately...maybe I need an alias.
Wow Karen..that counselor must have really pushed the right buttons....I did all that heavy dumping about a month after Bill passed....I was angry and took it out on the house....omg..the things I tossed....some of which I have had to replace....so much for the knee jerk reaction.
Got a bit of a surprise at work...they are talking about moving me into a day position....thats a good thing for me....I have had thoughts of taking some courses at the local college....and its just easier in the evening...we shall see....the process continues..
Really good night at work tonight..census is down...good for me...bad for facility....off tomorrow....going out to dinner with Bill's son and his wife to catch up...looking forward to the diversion.
Keep moving forward..
PAt

Have a good evenign everyone
Hope you had nice dinner tonight, Pat and that you had a good day at work Karen. I picked up my husbands ashes today.I wasn't sure how I would feel going back to the funeral home.I did ok though and felt good after leaving. The staff there were wonderful and I had 2 family member's with me for support. One more day off from work tomorrow and then back to work Friday. Haven't heard from Hospice yet and didn't get a chance to call them- will have to call tomorrow- though in some ways it seems like I shouldn't have to be calling them to ask for bereavement support. The social worker who works with the neuro oncologist my husband has wants to meet with me Friday- maybe I will have her help me with the bereavement group options. I think the bereavement group will be good for me- I am on 47 so I am not sure how likely there will be many people my age there.
Have a good night everyone!
Mary

closs86

Caregiver1963 said:

Have a good evenign everyone
Hope you had nice dinner tonight, Pat and that you had a good day at work Karen. I picked up my husbands ashes today.I wasn't sure how I would feel going back to the funeral home.I did ok though and felt good after leaving. The staff there were wonderful and I had 2 family member's with me for support. One more day off from work tomorrow and then back to work Friday. Haven't heard from Hospice yet and didn't get a chance to call them- will have to call tomorrow- though in some ways it seems like I shouldn't have to be calling them to ask for bereavement support. The social worker who works with the neuro oncologist my husband has wants to meet with me Friday- maybe I will have her help me with the bereavement group options. I think the bereavement group will be good for me- I am on 47 so I am not sure how likely there will be many people my age there.
Have a good night everyone!
Mary

the right buttons
Hi Pat and Mary,
Pat you are right she must have done something, because I also emptied the house about a month after he passed, this was different this was super human strength, I have to tell her. Who knows, all I know is my back is strained today, but I feel much calmer, go figure. Hope you get the hours you want, going back for some courses is always a good distraction. The counselor says we have to have a network of people, friends, family, people who also lost a spouse, it is easy to say, but not easy to do.
Mary, I also had to come home to my husband's ashes, it wasn't easy for me, we got him a beautiful urn, and he sits on the night table, with a wonderful picture of him on top, so I know he is with me all the time. You are very young, but bereavement groups are good, I also go to them besides the counselor. Also going back to work was a little scary for me for some reason, but after i was there for a few hours i was o k, i think it is the anticipation of how everyone is going to act.
take care
hugs
Karen

bingles

closs86 said:

the right buttons
Hi Pat and Mary,
Pat you are right she must have done something, because I also emptied the house about a month after he passed, this was different this was super human strength, I have to tell her. Who knows, all I know is my back is strained today, but I feel much calmer, go figure. Hope you get the hours you want, going back for some courses is always a good distraction. The counselor says we have to have a network of people, friends, family, people who also lost a spouse, it is easy to say, but not easy to do.
Mary, I also had to come home to my husband's ashes, it wasn't easy for me, we got him a beautiful urn, and he sits on the night table, with a wonderful picture of him on top, so I know he is with me all the time. You are very young, but bereavement groups are good, I also go to them besides the counselor. Also going back to work was a little scary for me for some reason, but after i was there for a few hours i was o k, i think it is the anticipation of how everyone is going to act.
take care
hugs
Karen

Hi Ladies
Mary.. I am sorry your Hospice is not stepping up....I guess they are all run different....the oncologist office should be able to guide you in the right direction.
Picking up the ashes was a tough one for me too..but once I had them I felt comfort...I have tucked them away now...I had a small amount kept out of the urn and took those to Bill's favorite place and spread them there...it was something he wanted me to do.
Hope things go well for you on Friday...I know that they will...we are all strong women...but do allow yourself to grieve during the process of rejoining the work force...I tried to hide from the grief and it was worse when it found me.
Karen...the cleaning tirade that I went on after Bill passed bothered me at the time...I felt like I was removing him from the house..yet again....and I was doing it out of anger...but I sorted it out and remembered something he told me...that no matter what I do after he was gone...he will always be in my heart and thats the important thing...stuff is just stuff...and I did get a huge feeling of accomplishment and emotional freedom after having done it.
I had a nice dinner last night with Bill's son and his wife...it was just the three of us and it was nice and quiet....but yet another little trigger popped up in the resturant...they were having one of those..buy one..get one free dinner things...so Jimmy and Debbie shared their's and I was the odd man out...felt strange..sitting a table for four with an empty chair...I missed him...I got though it...but it was sad....just another speed bump I think.
Ok..on with my day..back to work and all the craziness of that.
Take care..
Pat

grandmafay

bingles said:

Hi Ladies
Mary.. I am sorry your Hospice is not stepping up....I guess they are all run different....the oncologist office should be able to guide you in the right direction.
Picking up the ashes was a tough one for me too..but once I had them I felt comfort...I have tucked them away now...I had a small amount kept out of the urn and took those to Bill's favorite place and spread them there...it was something he wanted me to do.
Hope things go well for you on Friday...I know that they will...we are all strong women...but do allow yourself to grieve during the process of rejoining the work force...I tried to hide from the grief and it was worse when it found me.
Karen...the cleaning tirade that I went on after Bill passed bothered me at the time...I felt like I was removing him from the house..yet again....and I was doing it out of anger...but I sorted it out and remembered something he told me...that no matter what I do after he was gone...he will always be in my heart and thats the important thing...stuff is just stuff...and I did get a huge feeling of accomplishment and emotional freedom after having done it.
I had a nice dinner last night with Bill's son and his wife...it was just the three of us and it was nice and quiet....but yet another little trigger popped up in the resturant...they were having one of those..buy one..get one free dinner things...so Jimmy and Debbie shared their's and I was the odd man out...felt strange..sitting a table for four with an empty chair...I missed him...I got though it...but it was sad....just another speed bump I think.
Ok..on with my day..back to work and all the craziness of that.
Take care..
Pat

Odd Man Out
You said it. Will we ever get used to that? It is hard to be that extra person. I know there are things I am not invited to because of that. I don't mind being left out. I just hate the reason. Sitting next to that empty chair is difficult, but I appreciate those who try to include me. I do a lot of lunches with just the ladies. My family usually includes grandchildren which makes it easier. Next month we are going to a volunteer firefighters fundraiser. I bought a table for 10. With grandchildren and an in-law we will fill it. Fay

Caregiver1963

bingles said:

Hi Ladies
Mary.. I am sorry your Hospice is not stepping up....I guess they are all run different....the oncologist office should be able to guide you in the right direction.
Picking up the ashes was a tough one for me too..but once I had them I felt comfort...I have tucked them away now...I had a small amount kept out of the urn and took those to Bill's favorite place and spread them there...it was something he wanted me to do.
Hope things go well for you on Friday...I know that they will...we are all strong women...but do allow yourself to grieve during the process of rejoining the work force...I tried to hide from the grief and it was worse when it found me.
Karen...the cleaning tirade that I went on after Bill passed bothered me at the time...I felt like I was removing him from the house..yet again....and I was doing it out of anger...but I sorted it out and remembered something he told me...that no matter what I do after he was gone...he will always be in my heart and thats the important thing...stuff is just stuff...and I did get a huge feeling of accomplishment and emotional freedom after having done it.
I had a nice dinner last night with Bill's son and his wife...it was just the three of us and it was nice and quiet....but yet another little trigger popped up in the resturant...they were having one of those..buy one..get one free dinner things...so Jimmy and Debbie shared their's and I was the odd man out...felt strange..sitting a table for four with an empty chair...I missed him...I got though it...but it was sad....just another speed bump I think.
Ok..on with my day..back to work and all the craziness of that.
Take care..
Pat

First day back at work
Went pretty good. I worked a half day which was just about right- and I have been encouraged to do only 1/2 each day next week. I anticipated how I would react when people offered my condolences and that really helped. I met privately with a member of my husband's neuro oncologist team today while I was at work- we talked about my husband and cried together. I told her I can't imagine how hard it must be to take care of people with a diagnosis for which very very few people survive for any length of time. She said they feel that when one of their pt's dies they know they did all that they can do to treat the pt but at the same time it is never enough- they wish that they could do more.I was so grateful to have such a compassionate team taking care of my husband. I had sent a thank you note to the medical team earlier this week to thank them for the care they gave my husband - and she said they were moved by my comments. She said that the team would like me to let them know any suggestions I may have to better care for their patients- how often does that happen when a medical team wants the caregiver's feedback? She told me that it was an honor and privilege taking care of my husband and supporting me though the process.
I felt a peace that I haven't felt in a longtime after my meeting. Thank you for letting me share.
mary

bingles

Caregiver1963 said:

First day back at work
Went pretty good. I worked a half day which was just about right- and I have been encouraged to do only 1/2 each day next week. I anticipated how I would react when people offered my condolences and that really helped. I met privately with a member of my husband's neuro oncologist team today while I was at work- we talked about my husband and cried together. I told her I can't imagine how hard it must be to take care of people with a diagnosis for which very very few people survive for any length of time. She said they feel that when one of their pt's dies they know they did all that they can do to treat the pt but at the same time it is never enough- they wish that they could do more.I was so grateful to have such a compassionate team taking care of my husband. I had sent a thank you note to the medical team earlier this week to thank them for the care they gave my husband - and she said they were moved by my comments. She said that the team would like me to let them know any suggestions I may have to better care for their patients- how often does that happen when a medical team wants the caregiver's feedback? She told me that it was an honor and privilege taking care of my husband and supporting me though the process.
I felt a peace that I haven't felt in a longtime after my meeting. Thank you for letting me share.
mary

Hi Mary
It sounds like you had a really good start in your recovery..and your oncologist sounds like a kind and warm practioner...the oncologist Bill and I had the displeasure of meeting..after his diagnosis was totally opposite from your experience..she was cold and distant...we felt that she was that way because he flatly refused her offer of pallitive treatment..so we sort of dismissed her and she didn't take kindly to that...I guess she wanted us to hang on her every word in hopes of finding a cure or at least more time....we both knew that was not to be...his PCP had given us the honest truth about the situation and prognosis and that is what gave us the strenght to do what we did.
Its great that your facility is working with you by allowing flexible scheduling...your really lucky in that regard...seems like your going in the right direction.
It is important for practioners to get feedback from patients and family...and by giving it your sort of paying if forward for those to come along behind you...its a wonderful thing.
Each thing we do during this process is beneficial to us....each step chips away at the pain and helps us find our new normal.
Feel free to share anything here...it too is helpfull.
have you gotten anywhere with the hospice berevement follow-up?
Take Care..
Pat

Caregiver1963

bingles said:

Hi Mary
It sounds like you had a really good start in your recovery..and your oncologist sounds like a kind and warm practioner...the oncologist Bill and I had the displeasure of meeting..after his diagnosis was totally opposite from your experience..she was cold and distant...we felt that she was that way because he flatly refused her offer of pallitive treatment..so we sort of dismissed her and she didn't take kindly to that...I guess she wanted us to hang on her every word in hopes of finding a cure or at least more time....we both knew that was not to be...his PCP had given us the honest truth about the situation and prognosis and that is what gave us the strenght to do what we did.
Its great that your facility is working with you by allowing flexible scheduling...your really lucky in that regard...seems like your going in the right direction.
It is important for practioners to get feedback from patients and family...and by giving it your sort of paying if forward for those to come along behind you...its a wonderful thing.
Each thing we do during this process is beneficial to us....each step chips away at the pain and helps us find our new normal.
Feel free to share anything here...it too is helpfull.
have you gotten anywhere with the hospice berevement follow-up?
Take Care..
Pat

Hi Pat
I left a message at Hospice but still haven't heard back from them. I was never that thrilled with the hospice we had and I was planning to switch to another hospice the day before my husband died. So my plan is to call this other hospice and access the bereavement services they offer. It sounds like your experience with your husband's oncologist was like mine with hospice- I found the nurses cold and I felt I had a better grasp on hospice philosophy than they did! Probably not the right folks to be working in cancer and hospice care. Anyway, I have decided that I need to focus each day on things that I am grateful for- and today those things are having all you nice people here to communicate with and with having the time I did have with my husband!
Mary

bingles

Caregiver1963 said:

Hi Pat
I left a message at Hospice but still haven't heard back from them. I was never that thrilled with the hospice we had and I was planning to switch to another hospice the day before my husband died. So my plan is to call this other hospice and access the bereavement services they offer. It sounds like your experience with your husband's oncologist was like mine with hospice- I found the nurses cold and I felt I had a better grasp on hospice philosophy than they did! Probably not the right folks to be working in cancer and hospice care. Anyway, I have decided that I need to focus each day on things that I am grateful for- and today those things are having all you nice people here to communicate with and with having the time I did have with my husband!
Mary

not all hospices are the same....
I came to find this out and was amazed with the difference's...you would think there would be continuity...scary...we were so lucky..Bill's primary nurse...was an angel...she was also a real "in your face"type...with me...I tended to try to wear my "nurse" hat way too often and often times I was making medical decisions from emotional feelings...Ruth had no problems setting me straight and she was 100% right...and Bill loved her...they used to sit and drink iced tea after the official visit duties were done...she was a real hoot...I still see her when I go to my meetings.
I had 31 fabulous years with Bill....I miss him something awful...but he taught me to stand on my own...that is priceless now.
I like this board too...lots of caring and exchange of ideas...
Take Care
Pat