Crying

yup, they can not possibly
yup, they can not possibly know and don't want too. best bet is with those who understand what you are going through. so sorry, don't be embarrassed of your tears, they are important, share them with your wife and loved ones, it is important for them to know how much you care. did that with my husband who is suffering from parkinson's and stabilized brain cancer and it touched him deeply.

Little Things
My husband has been fighting colon cancer for 6 years and is now on hospice. I find that it's the little things that set me off. I think I am handling things really well. Then wam I'm fighting tears and anger over some silly thing. The stress just has to come out sometimes. Many have never had to deal with cancer on a 24/7 basis. They don't understand. Tears are a good release at times. Don't feel that it's a sign of weakness. Those of us who have been in this fight for a time are stronger than we we ever thought we could be. Fay

you got that right
people have no idea what you're going thru unless they've been there too. My s---head brother thought there was humor in a colostomy while I was abed with incredible post-op pain last month. You might find this web site encouraging, as I do, since its so hard to get by each minute of each hour of each day. All I have is my girlfriend--could not survive this on my own.Too bad you still need/have to work.No way Icould have put up with my job during the chemo/rad/surgery/ I've been thru and the chemo yet to come...

david54 said:

Thanks
Thank you all for your kind and honest responses.

I forget how tired I am. I was exhausted that day. For some reason when this person got in my face, it took me back to 3rd grade and a teacher doing that to me, way back in 1963! I could have complained about the boundary issue but at this point I choose to pick my battles so to speak.

I feel better today. Ran 4 miles yesterday! Felt great!

One carer to another
yes we have all been then as carers. Pushed ourselves too far. I used to be so proud of the fact that I am good in a crisis, one everyone could depend on to be there and to keep going whilst there were things to be done. Last week I had a mini meltdown. I sat at my desk at work and realised I had nothing left in the tank. Since hubby was diagnosed in Mar 09 with GBM IV, I have continued working full time, fitting in all his appointments as well and when he has been in hospital, other than the days he was in the emergency dept or the ICU, I was back at work. I would go to the hospital in the morning and have breakfast with him, then go to work and then be back by his side after work, spend 2 hours with him and then head home to our 2 little girls. Anyway, I saw my GP and she gave me a week off work. My first day off I crashed (quite royally as well ). For the next 4 days just the thought of having to get dressed and get out of the house had me in tears. I did get out of the house but I was a mess. I saw my counsellor and it became obvious that I had (again) forgotten all about my welfare. Its going to be hard but I have told my family that I will be allocating 3 hours every week just to me. They can have the other 165

coloCan said:

you got that right
people have no idea what you're going thru unless they've been there too. My s---head brother thought there was humor in a colostomy while I was abed with incredible post-op pain last month. You might find this web site encouraging, as I do, since its so hard to get by each minute of each hour of each day. All I have is my girlfriend--could not survive this on my own.Too bad you still need/have to work.No way Icould have put up with my job during the chemo/rad/surgery/ I've been thru and the chemo yet to come...

i think people in general....
are sometimes not aware that bigger and more important things matter in life. For that coworker of yours, i can completely relate but not the extent that I was yelled at or anything. I remember when my mom was undergoing chemo..i sometimes stay a little later to help and come to work the next day...other people are totally unaware and they only sometimes see the good for "them"..hopefully your coworker realizes that it is JUST AN EXCEL...i am an accountant so now if i have problems, i still deal with them but i'm like u, i try to really put it in perspective that its JUST WORK...have a great xmss and hope the best for you and your wife...and next time just go CTRL + A, DEL, CTRL S on his spreadsheet..:-)

Holding in emotions will come out sooner or later ....
... as you just experienced at work. So many caregivers take on so much when their spouse or partner and often forget themselves - hold it all in so as not to upset their mate with cancer or their family but in so doing they forget that they have needs too, the biggest need is to get it all out. I am very glad you found this site as you will see that many on here have had the same thing happen to them. My marriage after cancer, many years after, ended in divorce but during my treatment years my spouse did the same thing as you did - tried to do too much and when I was recouperating, just starting to, he saw I was getting a bit better and that is when he fell totally apart. Was diagnosed with clinical depression and had a nervous breakdown for holding it all in.

Caregivers as many on here well know are like angels but we are human angels and need the rest and help as well and I hope that maybe this incident at work might alert you to that fact. Grief therapy is very helpful to many on here, grief therapy isn't only for losing a loved one but for grieving over the loss of many things including a partner's health and how that affects the whole family including the caretaker.

I hope you take care of yourself now so that this doesn't go to far as it did for my ex. You will be better able to help your spouse if you are strong yourself and that means taking care of you too.

Hope 2010 brings better health for your spouse and for you too. Blessings, Blue

david54 said:

Thanks
Thank you all for your kind and honest responses.

I forget how tired I am. I was exhausted that day. For some reason when this person got in my face, it took me back to 3rd grade and a teacher doing that to me, way back in 1963! I could have complained about the boundary issue but at this point I choose to pick my battles so to speak.

I feel better today. Ran 4 miles yesterday! Felt great!

Good to hear you are doing better David but ....
while you are feeling better I would look around for someone to talk to professionally about the stress of the situation with your wife's illness. Now don't run away because I am suggesting seeing someone like a grief counsellor, sometimes men especially have a hard time with this kind of help, but grief counsellors are wonderful and can really help you through the process. Also just in general seeing that an episode in 1963 brought back feelings that resulted in you breaking down I am thinking you may have other issues stored up that you might just want to unload. Burying things for years and years will build up and blow at some point if you don't address them earlier, especially in times of extreme stress in the future as you are going through now.

Think seriously about looking for someone to talk with on a regular basis, plus this board as well of course, but professional guidance included may be just what makes all the difference in the world for you and yours.

Take care David.

Blessings, Bluerose

i see what you're saying.
It's tough to go about "business as usual" when someone you love is experiencing something so serious.

I wish strength for you in these difficult times.

we all feel this pain..
you are so right no one knows what we go through on a daily basis..when i was caring for my mom before she passed...it was the worst thing to see someone you love so much suffering...i cried every night when i would put my mom to sleep so she wouldn't see me cry...i wanted to be so strong for her..but inside i was dieing along with her...and when she passed i feel like my heart and soul went with her....its an indescribable pain when someone has cancer especially the kind my mom had which was GBM brain cancer...it affects not just your body but also your neurological functions....just know that you are not the only one feeling this way...everyone on this site is going through similar situations you are not alone....i hope things get better for you..

slevyallen said:

Hi, David
First of all, let me just say that your co-worker is a complete jacka** for screaming at you. God forbid he/she ever has to deal with this curse himself/herself one day. You are 100% correct when you say people don't have a clue unless they experience it, but even that is no reason for what your co-worker did. You have every right to cry, cry all you want, whenever you want. You have to allow yourself to grieve, it's not like a light switch you turn on & off. It's with you always, every day. If you need to get psychological help, but don't feel guilty. All the best to you & your wife.

Hi David and All,
Yes, I have experienced the same thing! I am a remote employee and work from home. I avoid crying at all costs as I am afraid I will start and not be able to stop.

The last couple of months my husband has been on a new chemo regimen that he is not tolerating very well. In an effort to try and manage the nausea/vomiting issue I set an alarm every 3 hours so I will not forget to give him one of 4 alternating anti-nausea medications and try to coax him to eat/drink something. This can go on 24/7 for days between chemo cycles. In the meantime I am working 65 to 70 hour weeks. Last week, during a meeting that I was running several of my co-workers were rather rude. I would have normally been polite about it, but I just could not take it anymore and was not very polite or professional. When I hung up the phone I was angry until I rcvd an email from my son in Afghanistan.....and that is when the tears started.

Yep, angry because I am a nurse and not able to fix my husband or at least make him more comfortable and then the tears start. I am still working these crazy hours so we can cover all the co-pays and bills instead of spending time with him. I feel like a 2 year old about to have a temper tantrum. Life is just not fair!