Today I made good on a promise

grandmafay said:

Great work
Congratulations on your achievement! It is things like this that help us move forward. I keep reminding myself that I need to face life without Doug as bravely as he faced his death. It is not easy, but it is great when we can achieve things that are somewhat outside our comfort zone. Driving the motorhome to Relay for Life was one of those things for me. Our sons and families go RVing regularly and we got the motorhome so we could go with them. Now I know that I can do that. I had driven it before but not by myself. We are strong women. I kept telling Doug that when he worried about me. Now I just have to keep telling myself that. I know you are going to find continuing comfort in your garden. Take care, Fay

Good Job!
Hi Pat,
So glad to read that you kept that promise! He is proud of you, and so are we. Making the garden a tribute to him is wonderful. You might want to get a stepping stone with his name on it to place in the garden, or give the garden a name in his honor. Everytime you look out at the garden, you will think of him. That is great! Also glad to hear you joined a berevement group. That should be helpful. I have not gone to one, but I know it is there if need be. Coming to this discussion board has proven to be most helpful to me. Hugs to you and keep in touch.
Tina

bingles said:

Hello Tina...went to the
Hello Tina...went to the first support group meeting....have to say while I am not giving up on the idea...most of the folks there have lost their spouses more than a year or more ago and with me being only two weeks into the process....well maybe its just too soon..and more to the point maybe I was expecting too much....I tend to be that way...least thats what Bill used to say...anyway we shall see...I did come away with a few positive thoughts and ideas.
All I know for sure and for certain is that I am way too young to be a widow and this whole thing really stinks....I think someone is testing me....
The garden totally rocks and I have amazed even myself....if...oh I mean when it grows in it will really be gorgeous.
I do have a special stepping stone out there that we brought awhile back...it meant alot to us both when we picked it up...even more now.
Thanks again for the kindness...
Blessings..
Pat

Support group
Don't give up on a support group. Maybe the one you went to was not the right fit. I haven't tried a grief group yet, but I still go to the cancer support group Doug and I attended together. It has been really helpful. Take care, fay

grandmafay said:

Group
Our cancer support group is sponsored by the hospital and anyone who has been touched by cancer is welcome. We try to support those who currently are in treatment, who have lost someone to cancer, caregivers and those who have survived cancer. We are small with only about 7 to 10 people at each meeting. Our hospice has invited me to a grief group, but it is about 20 miles away. I live in a rural area. (yes, there are still some of those in California.) Most things are a ways away. We had to travel 60+ miles each way for Doug's infusions and over three hours for his surgeries. I just decided that I didn't want to travel for the grief group. Also, I have a lot of support from our church. I guess I feel like I am doing ok without the grief group. This board also helps. Fay

rural area
I also live in somewhat of a rural area of California. Where are you located? I live in Ramona. It use to be very rural but it is now getting bigger. Yes this board is helping me also. I look foreward to signing on in the evenings. Haley

halsons said:

rural area
I also live in somewhat of a rural area of California. Where are you located? I live in Ramona. It use to be very rural but it is now getting bigger. Yes this board is helping me also. I look foreward to signing on in the evenings. Haley

Murphys
I live in Murphys in the foothills of the Sierra. It's one of the original gold miner towns. We are about sixty miles east of Stockton. Our little town only has about 3000 people. Doug got his chemo in Stockton. It sounds like you are really doing a good job with your children. Sometimes parents don't realize how traumatic losing a parent can be. They think that children just bounce back. Did you check with hospice or the ACS? I know we had a family in our area that lost a son to cancer, and his brother has been going to a summer camp for children who have lost family members. I think they found about it from a hospital social worker. It might be worth checking it out in your area. Fay

halsons said:

summer camp
Yes I did check and I found out our hospice counselor signed my daughter up for a weekend camp not far from where I live. I also have some leads on a possible grief meeting for kids but I have to check up on that. My oldest son who is 22 and lives on our property went down to look at some puppies for my daughter. We raise and show big dogs so we wanted a small dog so she could cuddle with. We went down to look at one and ended up with two puppies. They are italian greyhounds and pretty funny looking but are show quality and we are going to show them later. Well my daughter sleeps with one and I have started sleeping with the other. A friend of mine who lost her husband about 14 years ago keeps telling me I need to take one of my 20 dogs to bed with me to keep me company. And I think she was right. The past three nights have been a little better to deal with. My daughter is smiling a little more but still is having problems eating and keeping things down. I finally have an appointment to have both my 17 year old son and 10 year old daughter seeing the same counselor. It is not until June 2 for my daughter but at least I have an appointment. I will check with a longer summer camp I think that would be great for her and me.

Puppies are good therapy
Haley--
Am glad to hear that things are starting to work better towards healing. I should think a summer camp would be great for your daughter, and look forward to hearing of her progress in healing, as well as your 3 sons. It's great your 17yr old is willing to help around the house, maybe keeping up on the cleaning is a way for him to exercise through his grief and work it out in a physical way that's helpful to his mom too. I think it's sweet that your 22yr old thought of puppy therapy...hopefully they won't be too much of a handful for you on top of everything else, and remain a joy. Do you really have 20 dogs? Are they all show dogs? Do the kids help show them, or train them? Anyway, just thought I'd add my 2 cents in. Prayers to you and your family, and hugs.

halsons said:

summer camp
Yes I did check and I found out our hospice counselor signed my daughter up for a weekend camp not far from where I live. I also have some leads on a possible grief meeting for kids but I have to check up on that. My oldest son who is 22 and lives on our property went down to look at some puppies for my daughter. We raise and show big dogs so we wanted a small dog so she could cuddle with. We went down to look at one and ended up with two puppies. They are italian greyhounds and pretty funny looking but are show quality and we are going to show them later. Well my daughter sleeps with one and I have started sleeping with the other. A friend of mine who lost her husband about 14 years ago keeps telling me I need to take one of my 20 dogs to bed with me to keep me company. And I think she was right. The past three nights have been a little better to deal with. My daughter is smiling a little more but still is having problems eating and keeping things down. I finally have an appointment to have both my 17 year old son and 10 year old daughter seeing the same counselor. It is not until June 2 for my daughter but at least I have an appointment. I will check with a longer summer camp I think that would be great for her and me.

Dogs
What kind of dogs do your raise? As you can see, I have a 2 year old black lab. He is pretty much my constant companion. When I changed out my queen sized bed for twin daybed I thought it would be too small for both of us. However, he has discovered that he can sneak up un the left hand corner after I have gone to sleep. So I wake up to him every morning. I do think they help us. I got moose for my husband and it was wonderful to see how much love he brought Doug during his last difficult months. I have many pictures of the two of them together. I'm sure your daughter and you will both benefit from your dogs' love. They really are therapeutic. Besides you can talk to them. They don't talk back, know how to keep a secret, and are not judgmental. You can tell them anything! Take care, Fay

grandmafay said:

Dogs
What kind of dogs do your raise? As you can see, I have a 2 year old black lab. He is pretty much my constant companion. When I changed out my queen sized bed for twin daybed I thought it would be too small for both of us. However, he has discovered that he can sneak up un the left hand corner after I have gone to sleep. So I wake up to him every morning. I do think they help us. I got moose for my husband and it was wonderful to see how much love he brought Doug during his last difficult months. I have many pictures of the two of them together. I'm sure your daughter and you will both benefit from your dogs' love. They really are therapeutic. Besides you can talk to them. They don't talk back, know how to keep a secret, and are not judgmental. You can tell them anything! Take care, Fay

What kind of dogs
I started with Dobermans when I was 14 but moved to mostly Rhodesian Ridgebacks at 18 and have been breeding and showing them except still having one doberman. My sons sleep with a couple each and we are starting to have the kids friends when they come over grab and dog and work with it. This means I can work 6 to 7 dogs at a time and they get more attention more frequently than it I do it by myself. I know Doug really enjoyed the company of moose. We got my husband a parrot a week before Sonny passed away and it was so funny to watch the two of them. Now Ringo is in the living room and a part of every conversation we have. It is nice to have some loudness in our house. When Sonny was alive the house was never quiet and even my mom would say she didn't like to come over because it was way to loud and stimulating for her. I love it and with four kids and step kids and their friends the house was always a zoo. I always thought it was more the kids that were loud but now the Sonny is nolonger with us it is so different and way to quiet. It is so lonely sometimes I have to turn the music on just to get some of that noise back in the house. The boys are coming around more and even my 19 who moved out when Sonny got sick because he couldn't handle seeing his dad sick and die has finally started coming around more. We have talked about that dad would have wanted him to help me and his little sister and we still are a family even if dad isn't here. I think he is starting to finally get that. Kids drive you crazy and dogs and other animals are therapeutic. I have come to that conclusion. Faye I can't believe you went to a smaller bed with Moose. I have a california king waterbed and couldn't see myself going back to a smaller bed. Be careful moose doesn't push you off the bed. Haley

grandmafay said:

Noise
I often just leave the tv on for noise. Since our children are grown, things are pretty quiet around here except when granddaughters visit. Doug's number one rule to them was no loud noises. It was more of a joke than a rule. Moose is very good about not crowding me. If I push him he just gets down on the floor. I have a small bedroom and don't move around much when I'm sleeping. I was getting up and looking at the queen bed in the morning. Doug's side of the bed looked like it had just been made. I decided it didn't make sense to let the bed take up so much of the room when I was obviously not using much of it. It was a good move for me. Since it is a daybed it works really well for reading in the evening. Then I am usually joined by both Moose and our big yellow cat, Trouble. A parrot sounds like fun. I understand that they can have a lot of personality. I am glad you are surrounded by family and animals. I agree that animals are very therapeutic. Take care, Fay

Noise and Dogs
Hi
I am happy to hear that your daughter is going for counseling, my grandson is starting to act out since my husbands death, they may have to have him talk to someone, each child is different and handles things differently.
I went to one grief group, and wasen't to happy with the group, but I will not give up, I have a different group coming up in June, I think it will help me, I don't know how, but I think talking with others who understand will help.
I have also had dogs my whole life, I love all animals, my husband was also an animal lover, and tried to help any animal that he came across that needed help. I have 2 dogs now a french bulldog and a boston terrier, they are my company, they keep me going, you have to feed them and walk them no matter how bad you feel, they are snugglers, and they give you unconditional love. I could never be without an animal.
As for the noise, my house is also silent, my sons are married, so I put the news on the radio on as soon as I get up, and the TV on at night, even if I am not watching, just for the noise. I hate the silence.
Well Good Night All
Karen

closs86 said:

Noise and Dogs
Hi
I am happy to hear that your daughter is going for counseling, my grandson is starting to act out since my husbands death, they may have to have him talk to someone, each child is different and handles things differently.
I went to one grief group, and wasen't to happy with the group, but I will not give up, I have a different group coming up in June, I think it will help me, I don't know how, but I think talking with others who understand will help.
I have also had dogs my whole life, I love all animals, my husband was also an animal lover, and tried to help any animal that he came across that needed help. I have 2 dogs now a french bulldog and a boston terrier, they are my company, they keep me going, you have to feed them and walk them no matter how bad you feel, they are snugglers, and they give you unconditional love. I could never be without an animal.
As for the noise, my house is also silent, my sons are married, so I put the news on the radio on as soon as I get up, and the TV on at night, even if I am not watching, just for the noise. I hate the silence.
Well Good Night All
Karen

each is different
Karen you are right about each being different and grieving different as well. I was talking to the hospice counselor today and she has suggested that I take some of the pictures down of my husband. My daughter is saying that all the pics make her sad. The big problem is it is very soothing to me. So I am going to take the big pic of me and my husband I just had done for our 24th anniversay going to move it in to my bedroom so I can still look at it. I also was doing pretty good for the first couple months but this past couple of weeks has been really bad. I am also grieving different than other people which after talking with the hospice counselor I think I need more counseling and possible some anti depressants. I was fighting the meds since he died but now I think I have got to have something so I can hopefully cope better and give my kids more attention. You also have a great Mothers Day. Good night Haley